Monday's Clean Slate
OK, so this type of thread has been done before... and I remember it being pretty cathartic for those involved. I just have to let this stuff out (yes I'm posting under an alias, this stuff's 'out there'). Feel free to join in.
"Be thine own palace, or else the world shall be thy jail." -John Donne
So, this was the "qoute of the day" from my little calendar today and immediately I thought of how you described the way you feel sometimes. I wonder if any of us make much of an effort 'inside' to create such a place where we can reside with(in) ourselves. I am, with each breath I take, realizing that I am in the midst of, what I confess with some apprehension (it sounds strange and silly when I let it out of my head/heart & into the spoken-world), an overwhelming spiritual evolution. I have NEVER felt more
alive... and frightened to death of it. I can't stop it. And embarassingly, I did try to. I constantly have to take a minute to catch my breath and hit that mental-replay button to make sure that what I just heard, or felt, or did was really what was. Often, the most amazing thing is that I'll see, or hear myself doing something that is completely not me.... anymore. That is
when it gets scary. When I can see what I've been, & don't want to be ever, knowing all the while that I never did. So, when I use spiritual as a descriptor it's been wonderful to realize that it's MY *spirit* that's at work. I didn't know that that's what my soul wanted. (I know that's vague, but I can't find the words to make that statement make much more sense right now) Really, I now know that I must've always seen myself as sort of 'a priorily' (an obscure phil term that I just learned last year that means always-already, & I love to use it whenever possible) downtrodden, victimized, & stuck in a certain role. But, that's not where I want to live. A person can't live that. That's just waiting to die with every passing moment. I haven't said any of this to ANYONE... Not even myself until now. I've felt this since a week or two after I met you. Not a coincidence. I'd gotten myself to a place where my soul was wandering... finally free of being tethered... no, chained to the heaviest of heart-weights...wandering, not dazed and confused, but with eyes open and sort of looking at the world like a newborn... an open soul. Wanting to be filled,
not from a tributary, but from springs within.... I knew that other people had these wells of feeling that just came to them from somewhere 'inside' and was always jealous.... and angry for feeling so empty. And, recently started to unchain myself and wonder how & why & where this 'inside' business came
from and happened. And I realize that I can only find this by watching, and dialoging(sp) and letting new thoughts & experiences mingle with the space 'inside'... sometimes they fit like a piece of a missing puzzle and they stay.. those are the easy ones... others have to battle with what's been there before - because it's shocking to unlearn & relearn & really just to find out what an awfully pathetic attempt at living I've made.. and sad
that I didn't know the difference, or that it's ok to want something different than just what I've been given. What I'm trying to say, is that knowing you, our souls being *beside* each other, has let me see world I didn't know existed, were possible, were real, were ATTAINABLE... And so, damned easy!! That, has NOT been easy. Nor, necessarily pleasant....(I hate to do it because I'm sure I'm 'getting it wrong': but isn't that the dying
ego from Jung? I think it must be) But damn, I feel alive and
wonderful and just...... good. Man, I'm shaking so hard just trying to write this and filled with sobs that won't come out and shivering like there's no tomorrow. And it's GREAT. I'm alive, and when I'm near you my soul, spirit, mind, body.... ALL of me, just *breathes* such *feeling* and just...goodness. And, sometimes I feel bad for it. I can't help but feel (especially when you let me know what's going on 'inside' of you) that I'm just taking & not
giving enough.. because, man, nothing could ever really be *enough* for what I'm gaining every minute that passes with me knowing you... that *you're* alive, another beautiful soul---absolutely gorgeous soul-- that is out there fighting the good fight... just to BE... but really to BE, like Heidegger (damn the man)'s Dasein (it means, "being there"--- I think that translation
does enough of a job on its own, I'm not going to explain it anymore & really screw it up) I want to be able to show you that I AM.... I really don't think I ever *was* ... and that I'm moving, growing, living... better each day. And, I'm scared that what you've seen previously--- what I've let out--
unleashed-- in your presence has jaded you to being able to see ME... because I didn't really get it until *just now* (like, as I'm typing this) that when all of that comes out... THAT is what it is really doing... that's why it comes out with such gale-force & why it's so intense to live it then... because when it does... it's me letting go of what I've been, all I've known and being frightened to not 'know' the other. But I'm loving the living of it. And, I just wanted to say that. In return, I just hope that you can see
that my whole life-force is moving in such a positive direction... that I am so proud, and awed, and truly moved, to be alongside you in all of this. I hope you can feel that energy... I want to share this, and my gratitude, and dare I say it (I'm really hesitant to now, you know) my love, with you. That's all I've got in the way of a 'get out of jail free' card.