Dealing With Hurt Men

Conskeeted19 · #1 03-04-2002, 11:37 AM

how does a girl get a guy who has been seriously hurt, betrayed etc.. in a previous relationship to trust someone again? why is it so hard for men to start over? how does a woman deal with a man in this situation? how does a girl know if it is a rebound type of thang or not? HEY GUYS--FIRE AWAY!

PKTSU01 · #2 03-04-2002, 12:18 PM

Well, I'm unfortunately speaking from experience here and the main point is this.

With a guy, at least with me, actually caring for someone, or god forbid, loving someone takes time. And if we are sure we do love that girl, and we know she loves us, its all good, and she can have our trust. When that is broken however, ANY girl that comes after that is going to come with serious doubts, and any and all defense mechanisms come out, and all the emotional walls go up.

The only way a girl is going to be able to earn the trust of a guy like that is to make yourself such a part of his life that he becomes sick of you, cause only then can he love you.

Sounds stupid, I know, but the point is this, a guy will let down walls if he is comfortable and whatnot, and tust can develop with time, but it will take time, because any smart guy won't let himself get into a situation where there are tell tale signs that something is likely to go wrong in the future. (Its amazing how adept people become at this after they've been in bad relationships before) But, if you're persistent, and let him know you care, he'll come around. If not, he won't ever, no matter how much you show you care.

Conskeeted19 · #3 03-04-2002, 12:30 PM

the thing that gets me is that women have pasts as well- usually filled with buckets of pain. it is just as scary for us as it is for men. why is it that we can press through doubt, fear, and unbelief, and men can't? if we continue to look at our past, our future is dead. it is not fair to penalize one for another's mistakes. talking about feelings appears to strain the atmosphere? why? do you think that emotional topics should be avoided?

Dexter · #4 03-04-2002, 02:37 PM

Let's get one thing straight, Both men and women experience some sort of devastation of the heart in life. Society has instilled in us that women are more sensitive than men. Men aren't supposed to show their despair or weaknesses. So because of this silly tendency, When a man gets hurt, he tends to hold in this emotion and has a harder time getting past it. We dwell on the situation and are weary of making the same mistake so we don't appear or feel vulnerable again. The only thing that you can do is give it time.

The Original Ape · #5 03-04-2002, 04:21 PM

Skeeted,

When it comes to affairs of heart, we aint much different than yall. Pain hurts, no matter what you are. Nobody(that really lived) said life is easy; and this part is one of the most intriguing parts to it.

I would suggest that you and any other woman facing this situation remember to keep your word to the man. If you tell him you're gonna do something, do it. Only tell him what YOU REALLY FEEL; and don't put flowers around it. Allow him(no matter how hard it is for you) to talk about his pain, and how it came about. When he mentions the things the other woman did that hurt him, and looks at you, he'll thank God for bringing you into his life.

Professor · #6 03-04-2002, 04:25 PM

I suggest that you try to be a friend before you venture to the next step. Knowing that this guy has some issues why set yourself up when you know he is not emotionally ready. The same thing applies for women. Give the guy a break and try being frinds.

Also, have you thought that maybe this guy is not for you.

tickledpink · #7 03-04-2002, 06:05 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Professor
I suggest that you try to be a friend before you venture to the next step. Knowing that this guy has some issues why set yourself up when you know he is not emotionally ready. The same thing applies for women. Give the guy a break and try being frinds.

Also, have you thought that maybe this guy is not for you.

I was thinking the same thing. I know you asked the fellas, but if he still has wounds that need to heal, then it doesn't sound like he's ready for a relationship (and possibly isn't a good candidate). He has to get past the hurt and learn how to trust again. Just make sure you're not putting more effort into his healing than he actually is...

Rain Man · #8 03-04-2002, 06:58 PM

....I felt compelled to respond.

Over the years, time and time again, I have been rejected from women, in dating relationships, courtships, and marriages.

As a result, according to my pastor, I have a stronghold spirit of rejection that I cannot shake, and as of recently, has intensified.

Part of the reason for this stronghold was due to my inability to discern spirits from women, i.e. I could not distinguish a woman who truly wanted to be my friend from one who had a hidden agenda on why they wanted to get with me. As a result, I have been tolerated but never really loved. To this day, I don't make attempts to meet women or to ask them out, b/c I think of the consequences and remain silent. The problem is that too many women wanted to be my lover and mate before they wanted to be my friend. When they discover my true self and character, they get disgusted, repulsed, and "run away". In my defense, they set themselves up for it in the process.

So, to answer your question, how does a girl get a guy to trust,

1. BE GENUINE! Come to a guy with no hidden agendas and no "plans". Reach out to him as much as you can without being overbearing.

2. BE PATIENT! After all, you are dealing with someone who has repressed a lot of emotional baggage. It will not dissolve overnight. If you sense that he doesn't trust you at times, don't take it personal--it is just a purging of that rejection spirit. The more you reach to the core of his heart, the more he will trust you--and reach out to you too.

3. BE WILLING! Meaning: learn the good AND the bad things about him. Too many romantically charged people overlook the bad things about their significant other, and don't really know the full impact about such until it's too late.

4. BE A (PLATONIC) FRIEND! If you are down for him in any situation, he will recognize that and probably feel a conviction to reciprocate towards you in such a fashion. If nothing else comes of your friendship, you will have given him the much-needed confidence and self-esteem necessary to initiate friendships with other women. At best, once the two of you make it over some rough times, you are well on the road to experiencing true love.

Hope this helps you.

RM

Blue_Passion_01 · #9 03-06-2002, 11:20 AM

I hope that you do not mind a woman answering this question.

You cannot make a man do anything. You have to let them come around at their own terms. The worst thing that you can do is rush a man into anything........

That is what I think....

Conskeeted19 · #10 03-06-2002, 11:42 AM

i welcome reponses from male or female.

lovelyivy84 · #11 03-08-2002, 11:37 AM

I don't think that you can make a man get over anything. He has to be ready to let go of his pain, just like any individual who has been through a traumatic experience.

All you can do is give him the space to do it, and let him know that at this moment you are there for him (I was going to say something along the lines of you waiting til he's ready, but I think that is asking a LOT of you- I have no idea how long it make take for dude to be ready).

And I have seen women who completely shut men out too. I know a NUMBER of females who treat men like toys because of how thy have been treated in the past. It's just a sad situation any way you slice it.

arRHOgance4 · #12 03-08-2002, 02:12 PM

JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I FEEL ALL THE SISTAS WITH THIS PROBLEM. MY GUY IS THE SAME WAY. WE HAVE BEEN KICKING IT EXCLUSIVELY FOR OVER A YEAR, BUT IT HAS BEEN A HARD ROAD DUE TO WOMEN THAT HAVE HURT HIM IN THE PAST. IT TOOK SO LONG TO EARN HIS TRUST, AND IM STILL IN THE PROCESS OF EARNING IT. ALL I CAN SAY IS IF U REALLY CARE FOR HIM, THEN BE PATIENT ! IT'S TRYING, BELIEVE ME I KNOW, BUT THE RESULT IS SOOOO WORTH IT.

TOTAL ARRHOGANCE #4
WIN 01
IOTA PSI "COVERGIRL CHAPTER"

BigBoy · #13 04-08-2002, 02:27 AM

Soror, you have everything in your power to help this man. I once heard a preacher say "plug into the power source." Start with God and everything else will flow freely.

Zetaphied · #14 05-05-2002, 05:52 PM

Personally if a person has been hurt in previous relationships and they want to carry that baggage with them through life than that's on them. I don't think its my or anyone else's responsiblity to get a man to trust me or see that i'm not like anyone else. If he can't see me for me and seperate me from the other women he's dealt with in the past, than oh well his loss. Everyone is an individual and while I don't recommend walking around with your heart on your sleeve, I would recommend that you take your time to know someone and build a friendship with them before you determine whether you can go further with them. The problem with folks is that they are always walking around looking for MR and Mrs Right and looking for relationships. Whatever happened to taking your time and being friends. For you guys who are or have been hurt, get over it, and don't go around making all women pay for your bad judgement. Until you do get over it fully, don't put yourself out there on the market. Ladies when a man says he's not looking for a relationship, believe him! Don't try and convince him otherwise cause you'll soon end up with baggage of your own.

SweetestDiva · #15 05-08-2002, 07:55 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Zetaphied
Ladies when a man says he's not looking for a relationship, believe him!

This is where so many females mess up... appreciate the fact that he was honest with you, suck it up, cut your losses and move on. Probably not much convincing you could do if he's not ready.