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  #1  
Old 06-17-2012, 01:58 AM
wildcat601 wildcat601 is offline
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Deactivation - please help! :(

Hey everyone,

I’ve visited GreekChat many times over the last two years and finally decided to make an account, because I’m struggling to decide whether or not I want to stay in my sorority and would love to hear your advice . Before I elaborate, I wanted to say that I’ve already read a lot of articles and forum threads before coming here, so hopefully this won’t be too repetitive! From other posts on GreekChat, two common opinions were that the OP needed to spend more time in their sorority, or should try to get more involved (e.g. leadership positions), and I don’t think these suggestions fit my description so I hope you’ll be able to help ☺

I just finished my sophomore year so I’ve been in my sorority for about a year and a half (my school has deferred rush). I was hesitant as a PNM and pledge, loved the beginning of my sophomore year, and am now considering deactivating. During this time I lived in the house, held several positions, and made big improvements for the chapter, so I really did give it my all.

Cons:
- Advisers/Nationals
After working with advisers during my leadership positions, I have no respect for them. As a freshman I was being groomed for president or another big position, but after dealing with these people I just couldn’t apply for the executive board. I feel that these women often lack common sense and don’t have the chapter’s best interests in mind. This year we had some huge issues with Nationals kicking girls out of the house and threatening to take away memberships, which we had to fight because they were completely unreasonable. I find it hard to be in the chapter when these people micromanage and control everything we do. (It’s part of being in a sorority, I know, but it seems like the other chapters at my school don’t have this problem to the same degree.)

- I’m starting to think it’s not worth my time
I spend a lot of time on school, which means things like chapter meetings and formals aren’t my priority so I don’t really like paying for them. Let alone the time recruitment requires. There are also a lot of members I dislike, ranging from fake girls to drama queens to our power-tripping president. I'm involved in many other groups and have leadership positions, so I don't rely on my sorority for extracurriculars or resume building.

Pros:
- Friends
Though I dislike a decent amount of the members, I have made some of my best friends through the sorority and I don’t want to lose those connections. I’m living with two of them next year, and these girls plan on staying in the sorority. I think I’ll be able to make the friendships last if I put in the effort. This especially applies to my "little" – I love her and feel guilty for ditching her, even though I would still be around and actively help with pledge mom week and stuff. In fact, I feel like I would have more time to spend with her and my other friends since I'm not wasting it at these other meetings. If you have experience with this, I’d appreciate your input.

- Network
The sorority is really convenient for selling furniture, sharing apartments and cabs, finding people to hang out with over the summer, and more. People also talk about the benefits of an alumni network, but judging from our advisers I’m pretty sure I would want to get involved in that anyway. Again, any experiences would be greatly appreciated!

- And finally, I have a weird attachment to some of our tshirts that I can’t really describe or understand, so I’m not sure what that’s supposed to tell me. As I was unpacking from the school year there was a lot of stuff I want to donate to my grand-little, but there are some things I can’t part with and would probably still wear. I don’t really know what this means!

Sorry for the long post, and thank you so much for your time. I've talked to my friends in the chapter but haven't been able to make a decision, so I hope I'll find some suggestions here. I feel really torn about this and would love to hear any advice you might have. Thanks again!!

UPDATE:

Thank you all so much for your responses! I appreciate your time.

Last edited by wildcat601; 06-17-2012 at 01:48 PM. Reason: Update
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  #2  
Old 06-17-2012, 07:40 AM
Titchou Titchou is offline
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You use the term "deactivate." Not all groups have that classification and it's not permanent with those who do. Do you actually mean resign your membership? That's a different thing that being inactive. It will mean you never can come back and your daughters would not be legacies as well. Perhaps you could just be one of those members who never run for office and never attend non required events like formals, etc?
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  #3  
Old 06-17-2012, 08:01 AM
ramsey ramsey is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wildcat601 View Post
As a freshman I was being groomed for president or another big position, but after dealing with these people I just couldnít apply for the executive board. I feel that these women often lack common sense and donít have the chapterís best interests in mind.
Quit whining. You had an opportunity to be the change, and you flaked out.



Quote:
Originally Posted by wildcat601 View Post
Iím starting to think itís not worth my time
Time management is an important skill that will do you well to learn it now.


Quote:
Originally Posted by wildcat601 View Post
Though I dislike a decent amount of the members, I have made some of my best friends through the sorority and I donít want to lose those connections.
Guess What? That's easier said than done. While, yes, it's possible to remain friends with some girls once you "quit," (regardless of any lame excuses) some members may take it as a slap in the face and you may end up with a situation where you DO lose those connections. I cannot think of a single former member of my chapter that I'm still in touch with today. Maybe that's just me, maybe I'm a witch like that, but my viewpoint on it is that if she flaked out and left us high and dry then obviously she didn't value my friendship that much, so I wasn't really going to put that much effort into trying to maintain it. I essentially viewed it as her "breaking up" with us. Again, maybe I'm an oddity around here, but I know I wasn't the only one in my chapter who felt that way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by wildcat601 View Post
People also talk about the benefits of an alumni network, but judging from our advisers Iím pretty sure I would want to get involved in that anyway.
I'm not sure if there was a typo here or not, but if you're planning to quit, then you cannot be involved as an alumna advisor. Additionally, even if your advisors are as crappy as you say yours are, that doesn't mean you have to be like them. Some of my very best friends who are sorority sisters are those that I met at conventions, and in my alumnae associations. If you quit, you will be losing out on this networking, and trust me, alumnae networking is worth it. Finding housing, finding jobs, meeting new people in general, recommendations for places of worship, finding social activities in a new town you may move to, etc etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by wildcat601 View Post
And finally, I have a weird attachment to some of our tshirts that I canít really describe or understand, so Iím not sure what thatís supposed to tell me. As I was unpacking from the school year there was a lot of stuff I want to donate to my grand-little, but there are some things I canít part with and would probably still wear. I donít really know what this means!
Typical. You want your cake and eat it too. Sorry sweetheart, it doesn't work that way.

Suck it up. Either cut ties and don't look back, or put your big girl panties on and be an asset to your chapter. Quit being a whiney ass.
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  #4  
Old 06-17-2012, 08:35 AM
sigmadiva sigmadiva is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ramsey View Post
Quit whining. You had an opportunity to be the change, and you flaked out.



Time management is an important skill that will do you well to learn it now.



......
Suck it up. Either cut ties and don't look back, or put your big girl panties on and be an asset to your chapter. Quit being a whiney ass.

LIKE !!!!
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  #5  
Old 06-17-2012, 08:50 AM
HQWest HQWest is offline
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Not sure I would have said it like that -

Sounds like you just bit off more than you can chew as a sophomore.
The pros still outweigh the cons.

I would recommend trying to just back off for a semester - dont be an officer or a big. If the drama that is recruitment stresses you out - apply to be a recruitment counselor or in the back of the house.

Key thing to remember - deactivating is permanent! You have to give back your letters - your pin, all of them. Also, helping with the new member is a big fat no-no. If I was a member educator, I would only want shiny happy members around, not grumbly, its-not-worth-putting-any-work-into-it, quitters.
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  #6  
Old 06-17-2012, 09:01 AM
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AOII Angel AOII Angel is offline
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Wow, ramsey! Where did you come from? I nominate you for best newbie!
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  #7  
Old 06-17-2012, 09:25 AM
DGTess DGTess is offline
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The two women I know who resigned membership while I was in college regret it to this day - 35 years later. Another, who never resigned but who dropped out of school and didn't rejoin the chapter when she returned, doesn't feel anyone would want to get back in touch with her.

Now, that's minor anecdotal information, but it highlights the fact there is absolutely no going back.

There is no way you can know what the future will bring. Four years of collegiate membership cannot prepare you for alumnae membership, where you have support and connections wherever life takes you. Not all alumnae groups are micromanaging, and not all alumnae are involved in advisory groups.

Not knowing any more about you (including whether your chapter is 35 and you'd really be missed, or 250 and others pull your weight), I'd recommend resignation as a very, very last resort -- if you cannot imagine ever wearing your letters or symbols again.
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  #8  
Old 06-17-2012, 09:59 AM
AXOrushadvisor AXOrushadvisor is offline
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I just read a really interesting article about advisors through a tweet. I just found it here http://tjsullivan.com/sorority-chapt...ut-of-control/ Some of us are nutty but we are there to help. If you don't want to work with us don't. There are other girls who will. If your National organization came in and released girls there was probably a good reason for it. Most general members wont know the "true" story just the "story" the disgruntled girls are telling you. There are ALWAYS 2 sides to every story. I'm pretty sure you are just hearing 1.

I'm sorry you don't think belonging to a group that has been around for 100 years is not worth your time. I'm here to tell you it is you just don't know it yet because your only 19 and your brain is not fully developed (not being mean it is the truth)

You have 3 pros and 2 cons. I think maybe your looking for a reason. It is summer time. Enjoy your summer and go back to school and have fun. When you get out into the real world you will thank all these women on here who gave you sage advice. Cause you'll get that first job because of your sorority affiliation. If you happen to find yourself in a new state with no friends working that new job, guess what? You'll have an instant connection with that sorority alumni group and make friends with people you don't know but whom you share a common bond with. TRUST ME on this.
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  #9  
Old 06-17-2012, 10:48 AM
MaryPoppins MaryPoppins is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AXOrushadvisor View Post
I just read a really interesting article about advisors through a tweet. I just found it here http://tjsullivan.com/sorority-chapt...ut-of-control/ Some of us are nutty but we are there to help. If you don't want to work with us don't. There are other girls who will. If your National organization came in and released girls there was probably a good reason for it. Most general members wont know the "true" story just the "story" the disgruntled girls are telling you. There are ALWAYS 2 sides to every story. I'm pretty sure you are just hearing 1.

I'm sorry you don't think belonging to a group that has been around for 100 years is not worth your time. I'm here to tell you it is you just don't know it yet because your only 19 and your brain is not fully developed (not being mean it is the truth)

You have 3 pros and 2 cons. I think maybe your looking for a reason. It is summer time. Enjoy your summer and go back to school and have fun. When you get out into the real world you will thank all these women on here who gave you sage advice. Cause you'll get that first job because of your sorority affiliation. If you happen to find yourself in a new state with no friends working that new job, guess what? You'll have an instant connection with that sorority alumni group and make friends with people you don't know but whom you share a common bond with. TRUST ME on this.
This is ABSOLUTELY the truth.
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  #10  
Old 06-17-2012, 10:54 AM
DrPhil DrPhil is offline
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Originally Posted by AOII Angel View Post
Wow, ramsey! Where did you come from? I nominate you for best newbie!
Indeed!

People who need to seek GC counsel (from people who are not in their GLO, nonetheless) on such matters would be doing their GLOs a favor by deactivating/depledging.
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  #11  
Old 06-17-2012, 10:59 AM
33girl 33girl is offline
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Lots of people have issues with Nationals micromanaging or, to put it plainly, wanting the chapter to be something different than the actual members want it to be. Trust me you are NOT a unique snowflake on this. If your advisors aren't being helpful, the chapter needs to tell your national council that their actions are harming the reputation of the chapter on campus and that membership numbers are going down because of it. Some advisors and national volunteers are not well prepared and don't know what they're doing. Unfortunately, they are often the ones who end up consulting chapters who need advisory and volunteer help the most. I'll probably get raked over the coals for that statement but it's the truth.

That being said, it sounds like you joined the sorority more for a quickie resume builder than for true sisterly relationships. You hate meetings, you hate formals, you hate rush, you hate most of the members, and you appear to think the main positive of membership is that the sorority serves as a mini Craigslist. Pack up your t-shirts and donate them to the little and grandlittle you claim to love so much (although methinks the work of the relationship has mostly been done on their ends) and submit your resignation.
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Last edited by 33girl; 06-17-2012 at 11:08 AM.
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  #12  
Old 06-17-2012, 11:02 AM
KDCat KDCat is offline
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Don't. Just don't.

You have friends in your sorority. It will affect your friendship if you quit. Stay for the sake of those friendships. You can't take it back once you quit. These friendships have the potential to be lifetime friendships. When I look at my FB feed, it's full of my sisters from when I was a collegian. We've been in each other's weddings. We are god mothers to each other's kids. We loved and supported one of our own while she had breast cancer. We grieved with another one of our own when her twin was killed in a car wreck. We've celebrated promotions and passing our professional licensing exams and lots of other stuff. We've been closer and farther apart at different times, but they are a constant in my life over the last 25 years. They know me and they know my history and they're the ones who have been there for the whole story of my life.

Right now, it is a huge time commitment. It's going to continue to be a huge time commitment. However, the mandatory part of this is experience is going to be over in 24 months or so. You have 2 more recruitment seasons and you're done. I know college seems like it's forever, but it's really over very quickly. Just do what you have to do and graduate. Once you have graduated, you can decide how much time to spend on your alumnae experience. You can decide how involved to be. If you want to walk away and not be involved, you can do that pretty much without penalty. If you want to stay very involved, you can do that. If you want to advise a chapter, you can. If you want to join an alumnae group, you can. Being an alum is a much less stressful experience.

24 months of hassle is worth it for a life time of sisterhood.
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  #13  
Old 06-17-2012, 11:14 AM
AZTheta AZTheta is offline
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My $.02:

this is pretty much what I have witnessed over the years in terms of cognitive development. The OP is acting pretty much like I have seen other 19 year olds act. Me-me-me-me-me, and lots of finger pointing, and lots of focus on the superficial.

A year from now, when those frontal lobes have matured some more, and you've gotten some more life experience under your belt, you're going to see things in a completely different light. Don't make any rash decisions that hold the potential for massive regret.

There's some most excellent advice provided to you in the replies above. Give time time; let yourself grow up a little. And, as an advisor, come and sit with me and look at yourself through MY eyes. I'm willing to wait you out until you grow into the woman I believe you are capable of becoming; that's why you were selected for LIFETIME membership, right?
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  #14  
Old 06-17-2012, 11:15 AM
DeltaBetaBaby DeltaBetaBaby is online now
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I think that a lot of posters are being really harsh on the OP, and I really don't believe not one of you ever had a time when you were so frustrated that you seriously considered leaving.

I don't have much to say that KDCat hasn't already said. Step back a bit, don't take on a leadership position, and just have fun with your sisters this coming semester.
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  #15  
Old 06-17-2012, 11:24 AM
FSUZeta FSUZeta is offline
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OP, I can promise you that if your nationals recently held a membership review, that there are serious problems nationals felt needed to be addressed. National officers don't sit around at headquarters throwing darts at a map and then say, "Oh, the dart landed on Problem University. Let's book our flights, go down there and make their lives a living hell"- they don't just swoop down on a chapter without good cause. Most often before the situation becomes one that warrants a membership review national office has tried to work with the chapter to solve the problems while they are still manageable. Your national officers could have pulled your charter and shut down the chapter-consider yourselves lucky.

You may be stuck with the advisors you have because they are the only ones who will give up their personal time to your chapter. There is a lesson to be learned in every situation. Working with these alums., who you say are difficult, may help you gain insight and skills that you will be able to use if you ever encounter a difficult superior when you join the work force. Plus, your advisors may be coming down hard due to the problems the sorority is experiencing right now. It may not seem like it, but those ladies do have the good of the sorority at heart. It is just that they are probably looking at the big picture, while the collegians are more concentrated on their chapter.
Did you know that advisors are not paid? They volunteer their time to serve their sororities. Just telling you this because sometimes collegians have the misconception that alumnae advise because of the pay!
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Last edited by FSUZeta; 06-17-2012 at 11:37 AM.
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