When your parents DON'T want you to move out

Dionysus · #1 10-28-2004, 08:51 PM

I’m always hearing of parents wanting their college age or post college age kids to move out. I wonder how many parents want the opposite. I know mine are. Since I turned 18 my parents REFUSED to let me move out. They aren’t lighting up any more, despite I’m in my early 20’s. Their two main concerns are….1. Me and my roommate(s) will not get along with each other. 2. Me and my roommate(s) will get along TOO WELL

. Hmmmm….

I admit that the first concern can be a legitimate one. I AM kind of hard to live with. I’m a total neat freak in the kitchen and a total slob elsewhere. Now if my future roomie(s) are neatfreaks all over the house, we will DEFINITELY butt heads. Well, I will trust judgment enough to figure out if someone is a neat freak or not. If they are, I will NOT move in with them!!! If they are completely messy, I will not move in with them either! Any person I move in with must have a very mellow/passive personality in order for us to get along. Simple as that. I’m very perceptive about this kind of stuff. I predicted many fights between people who moved in with each other, I’ve also predicted many “peaces”. I wish my folks would trust my judgment also.

About their second concern…..I think its WAY OUT THERE! My parents are jealous parents. They have some strange fear if I move in with someone as friends/roommates or a boyfriend and we get along…I will stop communicating with them (my folks) period. There is a grain of truth to this…as of right now I can’t stand my father and my mother is getting on my nerves. They (especially my dad) must dictate everything including who I can be friends with and what kind of job I should work at. My mother is an instructor at a nearby college; she has some of her students calling me so we can hang out!

I’ve turned down all of them but one. This is because she doesn’t trust ANY of the people I choose to hang out with. They have actually run away a few of my friends and maybe potential boyfriends. Now, I make sure that they never meet anyone I hang out with. My father tells me how I need to be more religious….he hasn’t been to church in almost a year. When I was a freshman, my dad gave me the choice of transferring schools or cutting my hair for the first time. He didn’t want me to do either. I can see how he could’ve been against me transferring to another school, but being THAT against me getting a hair cut?

Shit like that is very annoying. I seriously need a break from them. I want my independence, both emotional and financial. But of course, I don’t plan on cutting them out of my life!

Everytime I talk about getting a job and moving out they will say that my boss, co-workers, and roommates will hate me and I will get fired or kicked out. This will be because of bad karma because I reject some of the things they tell me. And….my favorite one…I will miss them if they die.

In other words my world will end if I don’t depend on them! What's funny is that there's even more too this situation...I haven't even included my maternal grandmother and her role in this problem.

How do I get out of this mess?

valkyrie · #2 10-28-2004, 09:04 PM

My parents are kind of the same way (well, my mom moreso than my dad). My mom was THRILLED when I had to move back home after college. THRILLED. Seriously, I felt like I was dumping her when I moved out about a year and a half after that. The day I moved, we had a big fight and she didn't even come to my apartment with me and my dad. She wasn't as manipulative as it sounds like your mom is being, though -- it sounds like your parents are so afraid of losing touch with you they're trying to destroy your confidence in yourself so you'll stay put. Don't let them!

The only thing I can really tell you is that I think you need to establish complete financial independence and get the hell out as soon as you can. I'm not saying that you should blow them off or not talk to them, but as long as you're paying your own bills and living on your own, they don't have any power over you, which is good because I think they're trying to misuse it. After the initial fuss died down, my relationship with my parents has been much better since I haven't lived with them because we don't have to deal with the stress of seeing each other every single day (lol, although now we see each other rarely since I moved 1000 miles away).

_Lisa_ · #3 10-28-2004, 10:57 PM

My parents were also very concerned about me moving out for the exact same reasons! I'd either not get along with my roommate or I'd have a roommate I got along with way too well. After I lived in the dorms for a year with a roommate I didn't always get along with they started to get a lot more nervous about me moving out with people I thought were my friends. So I just moved out on my own & don't have a roommate & its been better than ever. Both my parents & I are more comfortable with me living by myself as opposed to having a nightmare roommate or uncomfortable situation!

astroAPhi · #4 10-28-2004, 11:00 PM

Your parents sound like they want to you live with them so that they can continue to control you. Choosing your job, friends... they will continue to do so as long as you let them.

I'd move out if you ever want to be your own person.

Taualumna · #5 10-28-2004, 11:22 PM

My parents want me to live at home until I'm married (unless I get a job out of town), but I'm pretty much allowed to come and go as I please....except I must inform them when I'm going out. I don't really have a curfew, but if I'm going to be out past 1, then I have to tell them that I'm going to be home later. They're okay with it, as long as they know about it.

AznSAE · #6 10-28-2004, 11:25 PM

my parents want me to live with them only because it will benefit me. they say it will save me money on rent, and i get free home cooked meals. they would NEVER ask me to pay rent while living with them. right now i live an hour away because of graduate school, but if i have to move back after i finish then i will. also, i dont plan on staying FOREVER especially when i get married, but i wont mind sending their grandkids to stay forever

.

Jill1228 · #7 10-29-2004, 04:47 AM

What she said! Save money (do it on the sly if you have to). Get your own crib and move out. I moved out later than most people (and let me tell you my mom was NOT happy, but she had to get over it). She really was ticked when I moved 3000 miles away!

DO NOT let them kill the confidence. It might be tough in the beginning but you can do it! You have to take control and take the power back

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie
My parents are kind of the same way (well, my mom moreso than my dad). My mom was THRILLED when I had to move back home after college. THRILLED. Seriously, I felt like I was dumping her when I moved out about a year and a half after that. The day I moved, we had a big fight and she didn't even come to my apartment with me and my dad. She wasn't as manipulative as it sounds like your mom is being, though -- it sounds like your parents are so afraid of losing touch with you they're trying to destroy your confidence in yourself so you'll stay put. Don't let them!

The only thing I can really tell you is that I think you need to establish complete financial independence and get the hell out as soon as you can. I'm not saying that you should blow them off or not talk to them, but as long as you're paying your own bills and living on your own, they don't have any power over you, which is good because I think they're trying to misuse it. After the initial fuss died down, my relationship with my parents has been much better since I haven't lived with them because we don't have to deal with the stress of seeing each other every single day (lol, although now we see each other rarely since I moved 1000 miles away).

HotDamnImAPhiMu · #8 10-29-2004, 02:20 PM

You'll probably get along better with your parents after you move out.

XOMichelle · #9 10-29-2004, 05:22 PM

I was going to move home after graduation, and my mother was very sad when I decided to stay in California.

Now, I have always been a very independent person. When I was deciding where to go to school, I drew this imaginary circle around the middle of the country and said to myself, "if they can drive there in a day, I don't want to go there." My parents liked all the schools I chose, and were very proud to send me off to California. Getting my bachelor's degree was the passage into adulthood, and although my parents would help me if I needed it, and they offer unsolicted input all the time, they recognize that I make my own decisions.

DGqueen17 · #10 10-29-2004, 09:22 PM

My parents can't stand it since I've been back home. My dad is like you are so messy. Everytime I've had roommates I'm never home so I don't feel I should have to clean the kitchen if I don't cook. Apparently they don't feel the same. Also I hate when my roommate would pay the bills like 2 weeks early and then bitch when I couldnt give her money until I got paid.

AchtungBaby80 · #11 10-31-2004, 02:49 PM

The problem with your parents acting this way is that they don't realize that by holding you back, which is what they're doing, you might start doubting yourself and become afraid to take risks...not just moving out, but going after a new job you want, etc. Most of my friends' parents expected them to move out after college, or at the very least, establish themselves as independent before they hit 30.

My parents, especially my mom, were kind of anxious about seeing me move out, but they've been very supportive and I don't know what I would have done without them. I understand it might be hard for them to let go, but really, your parents seem to have crossed the line between normal-ness and, well, controlling. Unfortunately, I have no idea what to tell you...but I think the advice others has given has been on the mark.

Munchkin03 · #12 10-31-2004, 04:06 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by AchtungBaby80
The problem with your parents acting this way is that they don't realize that by holding you back, which is what they're doing, you might start doubting yourself and become afraid to take risks...not just moving out, but going after a new job you want, etc.

I understand it might be hard for them to let go, but really, your parents seem to have crossed the line between normal-ness and, well, controlling.

I agree.

Part of getting older is sometimes, making mistakes. I'm sure they don't want to see you fail at anything--but the more they coddle you, the harder it will be for you to develop as an adult. I've seen this happen...where 23 and 25 year olds are essentially sabotaged by their parents.