THE "bottom" sorority

[Sunny3]

Hi everyone,
I have been lurking on here for a while. Most of you seem really nice and knowledgable so I finally decided to ask for advice. My daughter recently finished going through recruitment at a very competitive SEC school. Throughout the week, she was gradually dropped by a couple of sororities each round, but did have two left for pref night. I was very proud of her attitude that week. She kept an open mind, and tried to find things she liked about each chapter. I think what really hurt her was the fact that she knew many girls in four of the chapters from high school, and played on the same high school sports team as many of them. She wasn't best friends with any of them, but they certainly were on friendly terms; and these girls knew my daughter's reputation. I know ya'll are going to say that there are thousands of girls going through recruitment with the same qualifications as my daughter, and I understand that. However, she was just hurt that when it came down to it; the girls from her high school didn't fight for her.
Anyway, after pref night she really liked one house and really disliked the other. Of course she was devastated when she got a bid from the house she didn't like. That house had been at the bottom of her list all week. I think probably because she must have talked with one of the most awkward girls in the whole sorority. This same girl picked her up two nights, and my daughter said that this girl pretty much said nothing. My daughter had to carry the whole conversation and think of things to talk about. She went ahead and accepted the bid, and has gradually started to enjoy this sorority as she has gotten to know more of the girls. The problem is that this house has only been on campus for a couple of years, and it to me it seems like it is the laughingstock of Greek life. My daughter said that during recruitment she heard other girls talking about this house and that they would drop out of recruitment before accepting a bid from them- they had too much self respect to join that house! They are called the "rejects of recruitment" etc. etc... My daughter was actually embarassed to wear her letters the first week! I know many of the other new pledges felt the same way as my daughter because it was obvious on bid day that many of the girls were trying their best to pretend to be happy even though they weren't. I could tell that some of them were holding back tears.
Do any of you have any words of wisdom that I could impart to my daughter? As I said, she is starting to enjoy these girls. It is just difficult for them all to get to know one another because they do not have a house, and there is nowhere for them all to hang out and get to know one another.
Thanks for any advice.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by Sunny3

Hi everyone,
I have been lurking on here for a while. Most of you seem really nice and knowledgable so I finally decided to ask for advice. My daughter recently finished going through recruitment at a very competitive SEC school. Throughout the week, she was gradually dropped by a couple of sororities each round, but did have two left for pref night. I was very proud of her attitude that week. She kept an open mind, and tried to find things she liked about each chapter. I think what really hurt her was the fact that she knew many girls in four of the chapters from high school, and played on the same high school sports team as many of them. She wasn't best friends with any of them, but they certainly were on friendly terms; and these girls knew my daughter's reputation. I know ya'll are going to say that there are thousands of girls going through recruitment with the same qualifications as my daughter, and I understand that. However, she was just hurt that when it came down to it; the girls from her high school didn't fight for her.
Anyway, after pref night she really liked one house and really disliked the other. Of course she was devastated when she got a bid from the house she didn't like. That house had been at the bottom of her list all week. I think probably because she must have talked with one of the most awkward girls in the whole sorority. This same girl picked her up two nights, and my daughter said that this girl pretty much said nothing. My daughter had to carry the whole conversation and think of things to talk about. She went ahead and accepted the bid, and has gradually started to enjoy this sorority as she has gotten to know more of the girls. The problem is that this house has only been on campus for a couple of years, and it to me it seems like it is the laughingstock of Greek life. My daughter said that during recruitment she heard other girls talking about this house and that they would drop out of recruitment before accepting a bid from them- they had too much self respect to join that house! They are called the "rejects of recruitment" etc. etc... My daughter was actually embarassed to wear her letters the first week! I know many of the other new pledges felt the same way as my daughter because it was obvious on bid day that many of the girls were trying their best to pretend to be happy even though they weren't. I could tell that some of them were holding back tears.
Do any of you have any words of wisdom that I could impart to my daughter? As I said, she is starting to enjoy these girls. It is just difficult for them all to get to know one another because they do not have a house, and there is nowhere for them all to hang out and get to know one another.
Thanks for any advice.

So… TO YOU this sorority is the laughingstock of Greek life, and your daughter heard all of the rumors, and she's now starting to like her new sisters. I'm not really seeing a problem here.

My chapter didn't have a house, but we never found it difficult to hang out with one another. Your daughter and the rest of her pledge class will have to make an effort to be friends. Everyone does, whether they're in a sorority or not. A sorority doesn't equal *poof* BFFs forever ever! It takes time.

If your daughter and her pledge class all felt/feel the same way, maybe they should all get together and find a way to turn this chapter around. My best advice for them in this situation is to work their butts off to change their reputation and be the best chapter they can be. But regardless of what anyone else thinks of them, they're sisters. They need to recognize that and just enjoy being with each other.

[pinksequins]

Many thoughts, but here are a couple that may help. First, if it is an SE C university, the chapter WILL be getting a house. (Competitive housing is a must, and often the house will be new, large with ample opportunity for events and living in.). For now, she may have more opportunities to bond with other new members due to their weekly meetings and activities. She can reach out to some of them to see if they want to go for pizza afterwards or to a movie or other activity -- something outside of the planned sorority activities and impromptu or informal. The new member classes at SE C schools are huge. They meet regularly and are full of young women looking to make these new friendships. My hunch is that she can find and quickly make good friends with some new members, which in turn can make her feel good about her chapter.

[Blue Skies]

I don't know the school in question, but for many schools each sorority is only one or two pledge classes away from improving their reputation for the better (or for worse.) A sorority at my school which was not highly regarded in my day is now among the top chapters on my campus. I would tell your daughter to "be the change that she wants to see." Tell her to be highly involved on campus -- student government, Panhellenic, etc., and to get to know and be friendly with as many people as possible. Tell her to help raise her sorority's profile. More than that, tell her to work on opportunities to increase a feeling of sisterhood among the members, because that will serve the members well in a number of ways.

Another thought to share is that her sorority has a long and honorable inter/national history. Her membership will extend long beyond her collegiate years and into alumna status. She is a part of a much larger picture.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by Blue Skies

Another thought to share is that her sorority has a long and honorable inter/national history. Her membership will extend long beyond her collegiate years and into alumna status. She is a part of a much larger picture.

Ding ding ding! This x 10!


By the way, you should read this recruitment story. Seriously. Everyone should. This just happened this semester, and it really puts things in perspective when it comes to having the not-so-perfect recruitment.

http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/sh...d.php?t=143724

[pinksequins]

HQs work hard to have colonies comprised of women who will want to make the chapter a success, but every single one -- due to amassing a very large group in a very short time -- will have some Annie Awkwards. Look past the Annies and focus on her new member sisters with whom she may have more in common (for no other reason than class standing and the common interests that come from that.)

[pinksequins]

Also, the sorority is "new" rather than "bottom". It hasn't been established long enough to develop a specific personality or heritage, so it is conveniently (rather than accurately) tossed by some into the pile of "no". It's a lazy, but sadly typical, response. Groups that were "new" several years ago at Bama and USC (South Carolina) have found their footing and have developed more positive reps as they mature. So another good action is to refer to herself as part of the NEW sorority on its journey, not the bottom sorority.

[amIblue?]

I'd also like to point out that you don't know that the women that she knew from high school didn't fight for her. They just may not have been enough. I fought hard to the point of tears for a friend that I have had for 40 years (I don't remember not knowing her), who is seriously amazing and crazy impressive with her accomplishments. She has been a more true sister to me than anyone in my sorority over the years. My sorority chose to cut her from rush.

I am saying this because you and your daughter should not resent these girls. You just don't know what goes on in membership selection.

[FSUZeta]

Originally Posted by amIblue?

I'd also like to point out that you don't know that the women that she knew from high school didn't fight for her. They just may not have been enough. I fought hard to the point of tears for a friend that I have had for 40 years (I don't remember not knowing her), who is seriously amazing and crazy impressive with her accomplishments. She has been a more true sister to me than anyone in my sorority over the years. My sorority chose to cut her from rush.

I am saying this because you and your daughter should not resent these girls. You just don't know what goes on in membership selection.

Yes, yes, yes!!! They might have been in tears as they went to bat for your daughter-you don't know what happened and neither does your daughter. Nor will you-membership selection is secret.

You should be supportive of your daughter and her sorority. If her chapter has a parents club, join it. Go to Parents weekend. Do what you can to show your daughter how proud you are of her and her chapter. Send her a floral arrangement of the sorority flower (or in the sorority colors if their flower is hard to find) for initiation. Send her cookies in the shape of the chapter mascot.

Any new group has a hard time overcoming the "newness", but as the members get involved in other campus activities and the people who stubbornly cling to the old, established order discover all the smart, cute, sweet girls in the new chapter, things will shift.

If this chapter allows new members to join chapter committees, maybe your daughter can join the sisterhood committee. That committee usually plans activities for the chapter to do that build sisterhood. Things like chapter movie nights (they can probably use a ballroom in the student union), craft nights, potluck suppers, zumba class, salsa dance class, yoga, etc.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by Sunny3

I think what really hurt her was the fact that she knew many girls in four of the chapters from high school, and played on the same high school sports team as many of them. She wasn't best friends with any of them, but they certainly were on friendly terms; and these girls knew my daughter's reputation. I know ya'll are going to say that there are thousands of girls going through recruitment with the same qualifications as my daughter, and I understand that. However, she was just hurt that when it came down to it; the girls from her high school didn't fight for her.

On the other side of amiblue's post, it could have been that once they got to college, they realized many of their high school friendships were those of proximity rather than of true emotional connection. "Friendly terms" isn't the same as being friends, and she simply may not have been someone they cared about enough to fight for or to risk their reputation fighting for. I know that sucks to hear, but it's a good lesson to learn, especially nowadays when "friend" has such a different meaning than it used to and so much fake intimacy exists, especially at that age.

Originally Posted by Sunny3

It is just difficult for them all to get to know one another because they do not have a house, and there is nowhere for them all to hang out and get to know one another.

This is a copout. There's no student center? No cafeteria? No local restaurants that are popular with students? If the colonizing sisters haven't thought of it, it's up to your daughter's pledge class to take the bull by the horns and say "we're all going to Applebee's every Thursday before the mixer" or what have you.

Also, as ASTalumna06 alluded, try not to put whatever you went through as a young adult onto her. This may be a good time to step away from everyone's perfect children becoming homecoming queen on Facebook.

[amIblue?]

Originally Posted by 33girl

On the other side of amiblue's post, it could have been that once they got to college, they realized many of their high school friendships were those of proximity rather than of true emotional connection. "Friendly terms" isn't the same as being friends, and she simply may not have been someone they cared about enough to fight for or to risk their reputation fighting for. I know that sucks to hear, but it's a good lesson to learn, especially nowadays when "friend" has such a different meaning than it used to and so much fake intimacy exists, especially at that age.

This is also possible, but my point is that the OP and her daughter can't and won't know what happened. There's no point in harboring resentment over what may or may not have happened.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by amIblue?

This is also possible, but my point is that the OP and her daughter can't and won't know what happened. There's no point in harboring resentment over what may or may not have happened.

I agree. There's also the possibility that those girls didn't fight for her because they knew she'd be miserable and not fit in. At any rate, what's done is done.

[irishpipes]

For those saying that not having a house is not an obstacle, let me assure you that it is. I can tell which chapter and which school this is. It is NOT easy to find a place to "meet up" when there are over 100 in your new member class alone. I am not saying it means her experience won't be worthwhile, but not having a house makes it very difficult to have a "home base."

To the OP, maybe it would help for her to look at websites/Facebook pages of other chapters of her sorority. That could help her realize that it is more than just the microcosm of her University. There are places where girls would kill to wear her letters. Every single NPC has strong and weak chapters. At least she is enjoying her chapter sisters and hopefully her new member class can get involved on campus and with each other and make a dent in that tough "new sorority" label. In the end, your sorority doesn't make you top tier or bottom tier. Be a top tier person. Make people say, "she's an XYZ?"

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by irishpipes

For those saying that not having a house is not an obstacle, let me assure you that it is. I can tell which chapter and which school this is. It is NOT easy to find a place to "meet up" when there are over 100 in your new member class alone. I am not saying it means her experience won't be worthwhile, but not having a house makes it very difficult to have a "home base."

Can you really truly get to know 100 girls even if you do have a house?

I don't think anyone is suggesting that it's not an obstacle, but getting to know your sisters without a house is entirely possible if you work at it.

Perhaps a private Facebook group for the pledge class would give them all a way to communicate and plan social events, study groups, etc.

[carnation]

ASTAlum, it is tantamount to social suicide on that particular campus not to have a house. It's part of the culture.