"Marriage Prepartion Classes" - What exactly do they cover?

[CutiePie2000]

To all the married peeps (divorced can respond, too):
Did any of you go through these and if so, what did they cover?

Sexuality issues? Money / Financial? Communication Issues?

And do just churches/temples/synagogues offer them, or can you take secular ones too?

Are they worthwhile or kind of a waste of time?
I was just wondering (I'm not getting married anytime soon).

Sidebar: A friend of mine who is now married had to take them in order to be permitted to get married in this Catholic church that they'd picked. Yes, she and the fiance were sexually active before marriage. Anyhow, they pretty much had to lie that they were both virgins or they wouldn't have been allowed to marry in that specific church, or something like that.

[Speechpath]

Ours was a "requirement" of the church but we only met with him 3 times. He knew us fairly well through my parents, but we did do some counseling on communication and personality types. I never had to go through the whole sexuality thing although I know many people who had to. Anyway, I didn't think it was bad but didn't feel like I learned a whole lot from it. Seems like we spent the whole third meeting discussing the specifics on the ceremony.

[chideltjen]

I know at the church I attend, there is some sort of "marriage support group." I guess all the engaged couples of the church all hang out and chat with each other in some sort of group counseling session.

I don't know the specifics though.

I did speak to one of my bf's engaged co-workers. She and her fiance had to take this massive questionaire provided by the church and then they would discuss the answers with the priest... or something like that.

[honeychile]

Most of the churches in my area require premarital counseling before the pastor will marry a couple, more importantly if one of the two has been divorced. Most cover all of what you mentioned, and more (respect issues, for example).

The bottom line is, you get out of it what you put into it.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally posted by CutiePie2000
[B]To all the married peeps (divorced can respond, too):
Did any of you go through these and if so, what did they cover?

Sexuality issues? Money / Financial? Communication Issues?

My husband AND I attended a Marriage Enrichment class. It covered communication techniques, because most of the issues that couples have are communicating, verbally or nonverbally... And it has nothing to do with talking to each other about feelings, ours was more about arguing fairly where there is collaboration, rather than compromise...

Originally posted by CutiePie2000
And do just churches/temples/synagogues offer them, or can you take secular ones too?

Many faith based organizations offer the classes for either already married couples or pre-marriage couples. But the classes are not for marriages in crisis--brink of divorce--like there are divorce papers, they just need a judge's signature... I think most of them follow the "Smartmarriages.com" information... There are many faith-based psychologists/social workers that are involved... And many of the offerings are in states that have "covenent marriage licenses".

Their are two secular ones I have found:

The Gottman Institute and the Beyond Marriages that offer similar courses without involving faiths.

Originally posted by CutiePie2000
Are they worthwhile or kind of a waste of time?
I was just wondering (I'm not getting married anytime soon).

The one my husband and I attend was very good and alot more beneficial than marriage counseling. That was because we saw folks from all walks of life with varying years of marriage: from like 2 weeks to 40 years that were having difficulty... So, for me, I saw that my husband and I weren't alone in our difficulties... We paid $50 for a 2 day course...

Now there are over weekend courses and there are cruises... And there are a whole bunch of stuff out there for couples--already married... There are several books that are written that can be used for study... So it's all a matter of what folks desire, need or are asked to do...

But if there is domestic violence or infidelity going on, these classes will not work... Couples need to attend these courses either right after they are married or a the inkling or spark of a difficulty...

That's my opinion...

[JennRN]

Arrrgghh, the awful marriage prep weekend....yes, our was a weekend-no other choice-and it was in a secluded retreat in a part of NC, and we weren't allowed to leave!! It was awful. Day 1 consisted of, describe your feelings as a color. Or food. They told us, that instead of saying, I am angry-you're supposed to say, I feel red/I feel apple/ I feel whatever. It was hell!!
It got worse from there. I actually cried on Day 2 because we couldn't leave and it was so miserable there. We did discuss valid issues on Day 2: sex, kids, finances, arguing styles, blah blah blah. In my opinion, you should be discussing these things already!! If you can't talk about these things without a weekend to get you to do it, you might want to think twice about running down the aisle.
We had no choice in doing this though, it was required by my church.

[LeslieAGD]

I am in the beginning stage of our "marriage preparation" (read: jumping through hoops for the church). We are meeting with the Deacon next week for the first time.

This is what they require of us during this process:
* Initial meeting with the Deacon
* 3 sessions with marriage counselor (compability testing & discussion)
* 3 post-wedding marriage sessions (6 topics in all...love, finances, communication, etc.)
* 2-3 "afternoons for engaged couples" (meeting w/ others from parrish, etc)
* 1 family planning session
* 1 betrothal mass

[valkyrie]

Originally posted by JennRN
We did discuss valid issues on Day 2: sex, kids, finances, arguing styles, blah blah blah. In my opinion, you should be discussing these things already!! If you can't talk about these things without a weekend to get you to do it, you might want to think twice about running down the aisle.
We had no choice in doing this though, it was required by my church.

OH MAN. Are there people out there who plan to get married and don't discuss things like sex, finance and kids?

[aephi alum]

My husband and I didn't have to take a formal class, but we did meet a few times with the rabbi who officiated at our wedding.

I lurked on alt.wedding when we were planning our wedding, and this question came up every once in a while. A few people had good experiences with Pre-Cana and similar programs, but a lot of people considered it a waste of time that they would never have done if their church hadn't required it.

The "family planning" part of the program, at least for Pre-Cana, is very much the Catholic party line of "sex is only for procreation, the only acceptable form of birth control is abstinence, and since you're not married yet, you shouldn't be having sex." (If it's a weekend retreat, don't even think about sharing a room with your fiance!)

In defense of these programs... sometimes there are couples who haven't really fully discussed important matters like finances, kids, etc. These programs force those couples to take a good long look at those issues and think about whether they really are in agreement. One of the stories I read on alt.wedding was about a couple that attended a marriage prep class and concluded that they actually weren't compatible and called off the wedding. But, for those couples that have already discussed these issues and decided that they are on the same page, I can see where it would be boring/frustrating to have to rehash them again.

[XOMichelle]

Wow. I didn't even know people had to do this. Compatibility testing??? What if the tests come out that you aren't compatible? What kids of tests do they use?

[honeychile]

Originally posted by XOMichelle
Wow. I didn't even know people had to do this. Compatibility testing??? What if the tests come out that you aren't compatible? What kids of tests do they use?

When I got married, we didn't have to do the tests, but I've since taken them twice (one broken engagement, one current). The one test is on the personalities of both you & your fiance. The other is VERY interesting: you take the test, answering the questions as you would do, THEN you answer the same questions, answering how you feel your fiance would answer. It is incredible how much these tests will tell you!!

Oh, valkyrie? You would be shocked at how many people get this tunnel vision concerning marriage, and never even start to look at the REAL issues!

[BirthaBlue4]

I once saw this book in the Christian bookstore that was for those planning to get married, written by a psychologist, that went through the whole spiel, and included tests and such, that you could do at any time. I remember EDr. Phil/Oprah talking about some book that was full of those questions that people never think to talk about, like, What do you feel about spanking? Schooling? Banking accounts? Sex, as in how often, expectations, etc. Really in depth stuff that you really might not consciously think of to discuss or that may not come up in general conversation.

So many people get so caught up in planning their wedding, that they don't take any time to plan their MARRIAGE!!!!!

[ISUKappa]

Our pre-marital counseling was done by the Pastor marrying us (from the huzbin's home town, so he knew him very well). We had a lovely book ca. 1972 with issues and questions to read and think about.

In our three sessions, we mostly talked about our varying communication styles, how we can communicate better with each other and how we can communicate with God to help us resolve any differences that may arise. We touched lightly on children--just that we both wanted them sometime; finances--we were going to combine accounts; and religion--how it was important to both of us. No talk of sex and some of learning to live with each other and new habits (we were technically living apart, but were together more often than not).

I think he was pretty easy on us as he knew huzbin so well.

I don't think the point is to specifically find out if you're a perfect match or not; it's to help determine how you will act/react in certain situations, to help you understand how your partner may react differently in the same situation and how to work with each other if those reactions are completely different.

[Xylochick216]

We're getting married by my university's Chaplain, and he doesn't know my fiance well since he didn't go there or have him for class. The chaplain requires that everyone he marries come for 3 sessions. It's really informal. The first is just basically getting to know the couple better, even if he already knows them well. The second is a discussion of a really good book we had to read called The Good Marriage . It was boring at first, but very helpful. The third is just to go over ceremony details, etc. It's been good so far