10 Reasons . . .
With the divorce rate over 50%, too many are apparently making a serious
mistake in deciding whom to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid
becoming a statistic," try to internalize 10 insights.
1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change
after you're married. The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The
golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or
she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put
it, "You actually can expect people to change after their
married...for the worst!" So when it comes to the other person's
spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and
personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than
on character. Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it
burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love often
means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully
checked out this person's character? Here are four characteristics to
definitely check for:
-Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is
more important than personal comfort? Kindness: Does this person
enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people
s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give to
charity?
-Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says
s/he's going to do?
-Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is
s/he emotionally stable? Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this
person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my
child to turn out like him or her?
3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what
a woman needs most. Men and women have unique emotional needs, and
more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't get it. The onus
is on the man to understand the emotional needs of the woman and to
satisfy them. The unique need of a woman is to be loved.-to feel that
she is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband
needs to give her consistent, quality attention.
4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life
goal and priorities. There are three basic ways we connect with
another person:
a) Chemistry and compatibility
b) Share common interests
c) Share common life goal. Make sure you share a deeper level of
connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two
of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing
apart, you must figure out what you're living for while you are
single-and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as
you. This is the true definition of a soul mate. A soul mate is a
goal mate....two people who ultimately share the same understanding
of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and
goals.
5. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too
quickly. Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be
a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration
of important issues. Sexual involvement tends to cloud one's mind.
And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions. It is not
necessary to "test drive" in order to find out if a couple are
sexually compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are
intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry
about sexual compatibility. Of all the studies on divorce, sexual
incompatibility is never cited as a main reason why people divorce.
6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have deeper emotional
connection. To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional
connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?" This
does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a
Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You
should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty,
determination, etc. Also ask: "Do I trust this person?"
7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you
don't feel emotionally safe. Ask yourself the following questions: Do
I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be
myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me
feel good myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you
feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same
way! Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel
you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the
other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings
and opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship. Another
aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is
trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive
person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change
you. There is a big difference between "controlling" and "making
suggestions." A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control
statement is made for their benefit.
8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the
table. Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be
brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the
only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate,
and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will
inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment:
Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for
both of you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you.
This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with
this person. If you can't be vulnerable, you can't be intimate. The
two go hand in hand.
9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to
escape from personal problems and unhappiness. If you are unhappy and
single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does
not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything,
marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and
your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single.
You'll feel better and your future spouse will thank you.
10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a
triangle. To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally
dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop
another relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her
parents is a classic example of triangulation. People can also be
triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet,
hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you and your partner are
free of triangles. The person caught in a triangle cannot be fully
emotionally available to you. You'll not be their number one
priority. And that's not basis for a marriage.
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