another wedding thread...bridesmaids questions

[KSUViolet06]

I've been a bridesmaid in quite a few weddings, some with 12 girls some with just 2 or 3.

Just curious, is there a standard/traditional number of bridesmaids that one should have? How many is too many?

If you're married, how many did you have? If you're engaged, how many are you planning on having? Or are you not having any at all?

Also I've been in some weddings where I had to buy my dress/shoes/etc (which is the norm). I've also been in some where the bride paid for everything.

For those of you that are married, how did you handle your bridesmaid's expenses?

I know this is alot of questions but I just wanted to see what some of you girls think.

I think the "standard" is not to have more than 2 bridesmaids per 50 people at the wedding. For example, if you have 200 guests, than 4-8 bridesmaids. I don't know if that's always been the case, but that's what I've read.

I'm engaged now (see my new thread comming). I'm narrowing down from 7. 2 from when I was a little girl; 2 from my first college; 2 from my second; and my fiance's sister.

My girls will definately be paying their own ways because I'm in grad school and am not rich yet. When I was a bridesmaid for my roomie's wedding, her gift to us was to give $100 towards all of our dresses instead of a traditional gift. Since we were all undergrads it was much better for us.

[AGDee]

I've been married twice and just kind of worked it out on how many I'd have. First wedding: My 3 best friends from childhood, my best friend from college(MOH... also my sister-daughter), my closest cousin and my groom's sister. We had 350 guests so I guess it did fit that ratio, but it wasn't intentional. This is really awful, but I can't, for the life of me, remember who all the guys were in the bridal party for the first wedding. I remember we had my brother, his brother, and his best friend (who was our best man) but I can't remember the rest.

Second wedding: best friend from college again (MOH), new very close who I'd become friends with at work during my first marriage, my groom's best friend's wife (so they could stand up together.. plus, I really liked her a lot.. still do in fact!) Oh, we also had 2 junior bridesmaids and 2 junior ushers who were all his nieces and nephews. It was definitely "his" wedding and "his" bridal party. The friend from work that stood up for me was with me when I met him. He had his best friend as his best man, one other childhood friend and his best friend from college (whose wife stood up with him). One of his best friends from childhood did the catering for us and gave us a very very good deal (pretty much his cost) and another of his childhood friends was a DJ and did the wedding as his gift to us.

I was pretty much having the second wedding because my second husband hadn't been married before and really really really wanted a wedding after being in all his friends' weddings. It was less expensive, less formal and much smaller. I only had my immediate family and closest friends there.. and a few "newer" friends who hadn't been around the first time I got married. I had two tables of guests (about 24 people). He had about 120 people there. I had a long talk with the gal who had been my MOH the first time about doing it again and offered to pay for her dress the second time, but she declined the offer. And, I have to say, it is a rare friend who is your MOH twice! She's still my closest friend.

Both times, the only expense I paid was giving them their jewelry. That was tradition around here and ensured that they all matched perfectly. I didn't choose outrageously priced dresses either, but the new tradition of dictating the color but allowing the bridesmaids to get what they look good in (and can afford) is a good one, I think.

I think you should just balance who you really want to have and who he wants to have for his half of the bridal party. Hopefully, you're close enough to the bridesmaids that if it's going to be a financial hardship for one of them and they aren't going to stand up only because of that, then you could help that one out if you can afford it. If you aren't close enough to openly discuss that, then they probably shouldn't be in your wedding party!

[Xylochick216]

I didn't use a specific ratio, but it does look foolish to have 10 bridesmaids at a wedding with 50 people in attendance. I had 6 bridesmaids... my sister, my best friend from high school, and 4 sorority sisters (2 roommates and my big and first little).

I couldn't afford to pay for their dresses, but I did find dresses that were only $125. Price was a big consideration in what I picked because we were all recent college grads or still in school.

I've been in weddings where people have paid for the dress or alterations, and I've been in weddings where I footed the entire bill. It just depends on the bride and groom's financial situation. Ideally I would have loved to have paid for my bridesmaids' dresses, but it just would have driven up my credit card debt, and I'm sure my friends wouldn't have wanted that.

[LeslieAGD]

I was married in July 2006. My sister was my maid of honor and my sorority sister was my bridesmaid. My husband's best friend was his best man and his brother was his groomsman. The best man's daughter was our flower girl. Two of my other friends were readers; other one of my husband's friends and my sister's now-husband were ushers.

You can have as many people in your wedding party as you want, but they do't all have to be bridesmaids/groomsman...you can have readers, ushers, someone in charge of programs, etc.

[valkyrie]

I think having bridesmaids is another outdated wedding tradition and I don't see the point of it.

[guardedbystars]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

I've been a bridesmaid in quite a few weddings, some with 12 girls some with just 2 or 3.

Just curious, is there a standard/traditional number of bridesmaids that one should have? How many is too many?

If you're married, how many did you have? If you're engaged, how many are you planning on having? Or are you not having any at all?

Also I've been in some weddings where I had to buy my dress/shoes/etc (which is the norm). I've also been in some where the bride paid for everything.

For those of you that are married, how did you handle your bridesmaid's expenses?

I know this is alot of questions but I just wanted to see what some of you girls think.

I was a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding this summer. It was in a historical hotel/inn/house thing. It had a couple of acres and the wedding was outside overlooking a river kind of near the woods at sunset. It was absolutely gorgeous.

I had to buy dress/shoes in the color that she wanted. We could pick the dress style, but the color was set, so we all had to get the dress at the same place. I also had to pay for getting my makeup done. She paid for getting my nails done. Her mom paid for all of us to get our hair done. I think there were five of us for about 120 people--I was the only friend from where she lives now, one was her sister, one was her [now] husband's sister, and the other two were her two best friends from home.

I also paid for a hotel room. Honestly, I could have driven home because I was close enough, but decided against it since alcohol and driving DO NOT mix.

Two of my best friends are going to be in weddings this summer. One's bridesmaid's dress is 250, plus 50 for shoes. She also has to throw a luncheon with the other bridesmaids which is about another 60 each [they split the cost]. They are also splitting the cost of the present which is about 300 total. They are throwing a bachelor-ette party for her which is another couple of hundred. She also has to travel for this wedding, although to be fair, it is only a few states away. Nevertheless, she is not happy with how much it is costing her so far.

It isn't cheap to be a bridesmaid, but it is priceless to be honored like that from a great friend. Honored does not equal the bride to be to act like a complete bridezilla.

[ASTalumna06]

A question for those of you who have been bridesmaids, and for those of you who have had bridesmaids at your own wedding:

How much money do you think a bridesmaid should spend on a wedding?

I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding coming up in September. I live in TX, and the bride (and the wedding) are in NH. All of the bridesmaids are out-of-state, and the MOH is the only one who also lives in NH (there are a total of 8 of us). Most of us are far enough away where flights will have to be booked to get there.

The bridal shower/bachelorette party is in July. I will have to fly in for that, as well. We've just been informed that we have to cover the cost of the invitations, cake, and decorations for the shower, which is taking place at a nice country club.

We all have different dresses, but all of them were over $200. They were ordered from a bridal shop that is only in NH and they're being delivered there. So during the shower/party weekend, I have to find time to get to the store and try on my dress, which I'm pretty sure won't fit anyway (they don't design the dress specifically to your measurements). And the store doesn't do alterations, so I'll probably have to drag the dress back to TX, have it altered, then ship it back to NJ where my parents can watch over it until the wedding weekend. We've also been asked to buy a certain color shoe, even though the dresses are floor-length, and no one will probably see our feet anyway.

Also, the wedding is on a Friday, so I'll have to take an extra day off from work.

Between the dress, shoes, bachelorette party, bridal shower, gifts, hotels, rental cars, flights (for both me and my significant other), I figure I'm already in this thing for at least $3,000.

On top of that, I've had to turn down invites to two other weddings this year because I simply can't afford to attend them.

It just seems like the costs keep piling up. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that this is getting outrageous?

Perhaps it's because I can't even see myself spending $3,000 on my own wedding...

[carnation]

One of my daughters has been a bridesmaid in maybe 11 weddings? She's so tired of spending hundreds on other people's weddings. Bridesmaiding has gotten way out of hand.

[OPhiAGinger]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

The bridal shower/bachelorette party is in July. I will have to fly in for that, as well. We've just been informed that we have to cover the cost of the invitations, cake, and decorations for the shower, which is taking place at a nice country club….

Between the dress, shoes, bachelorette party, bridal shower, gifts, hotels, rental cars, flights (for both me and my significant other), I figure I'm already in this thing for at least $3,000….

It just seems like the costs keep piling up. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that this is getting outrageous?

Where I come from, wedding showers are hosted by people who are close to the bride who offer to do so. That's not what you signed up for and you need to make that clear. To manage the bride's (and MOH's) expectations about your shower participation, respond just like any other "guest" -- that you regret that you can't join them for the shower and that it sounds like tons of fun, but that you are looking forward to seeing them at the wedding itself. Then have the horrible BM dress shipped to you in Texas so you can get the alterations done. If they get bitchy, that's a sign to back out of the whole wedding. Instead, go the other weddings you had mentioned you had to pass on because of finances.

Over the years I've been a flower girl, jr BM, BM (several times), and a MOH. But my all-time favorite wedding role has been as the on-site wedding coordinator. I got to teach the ushers how to usher (seriously), help position the BMs and groomsmen during the rehearsal in the church, and then cue each attendant on when to enter during the actual ceremony. It was the perfect role for someone who likes to control things behind the scenes, and I didn't have to buy a fluffy pastel dress! Not surprisingly, that bride (who happens to be an OPA sister) and I are still super close even though we've moved to opposite ends of the country. We're closer to each other than we are to our blood sisters.

[Xidelt]

That's ridiculous that you are expected to foot the cost for the shower and travel for both the wedding and the bachelorette party. Did you agree to host the shower? Were you even asked, or was it just assumed? It's OK to say no to some of this stuff. If you are traveling so far for the wedding, I would say no to hosting the shower and only fly up for the actual wedding. The bride should have known from the outset that having the whole bridal party out of state meant that not everyone could come to all of the pre - wedding festivities.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by Xidelt

That's ridiculous that you are expected to foot the cost for the shower and travel for both the wedding and the bachelorette party. Did you agree to host the shower? Were you even asked, or was it just assumed? It's OK to say no to some of this stuff. If you are traveling so far for the wedding, I would say no to hosting the shower and only fly up for the actual wedding. The bride should have known from the outset that having the whole bridal party out of state meant that not everyone could come to all of the pre - wedding festivities.

No, we were never asked. I just got a message through our bridesmaids Facebook group that said the mother-of-the-bride has offered (yes, the word "offered" was used) to pay for the food for the shower, and she's asking that we cover the cake and decorations. One of the other bridesmaids did their save-the-dates, so she was also asked to do the invites, and the MOH said, "Of course we'll all pitch in for the cost of the invites."

I completely agree that if most of your bridal party is far away, you should take that into consideration when planning things. I think you should have to give a little to take a little (e.g. if you can't afford decorations and a cake, don't have the bridal shower at the nicest country club in town).

My significant other also told me today that I should skip the shower/bachelorette party. One of the other weddings I was invited to this year is for a sorority sister, and I really want to go - the wedding is in PA the weekend before the shower/party, so I'm considering skipping out and attending my sister's wedding instead. But then I don't want to be the only bridesmaid to not show up that weekend.

Not sure what to do!

[ColdInCanada11]

Between all events, the dress, shoes, hair, etc, I spent about $1400 for the wedding I was last in. Considering that I skipped 3 different trips that I was in Ireland to save for it, it bothered me greatly, especially because I'm much closer with the people I would have been traveling with. At least she was happy with it.

[sigmagirl2000]

I had 8 bridesmaids. 2 from NYC came to my shower and bachelorette party. Stepsister in FL, friend in PA, and friend in CA didn't make it to any pre-wedding festivities. The 3 local bridesmaids came to everything. I had 2 showers, husband's family paid for one entirely, my family paid for the other entirely. (1 in CT, 1 in MA). My bridesmaids paid for the dresses ($156), and 4 have already worn the dress again. They could wear any silver flat sandals (I'm not even 5 feet and 2 of my bridesmaids are in the 6 foot range). So, I'd guess their average cost to be in my wedding was about $500.... including travel, 2 nights hotel, and dress. We fed them well.

I was just in a wedding where I thought it was a little extreme to expect us to spend 2 nights in a hotel just under $300 a night.... I'll shut up on that after your $3,000 story!

[agzg]

It can get very expensive. I think I maxed out at about $1,500 though. $3,000 is crazy and far too much.