Dealing with jealousy

texasprincess · #1 10-14-2014, 03:51 AM

Hi y'all

I go to a small school with less than 10 sororities, and went through recruitment last year. Now on our campus there's a really weird and unfair thing where not all the chapters have houses - and it's not because they're just in the process of building new ones or anything, it's literally that the school will only allow a few of the chapters to have houses (it's less than 50% of them). I got a bid to an organization that I love and fit in with so well, but we do not have a house.

I am having a lot of jealousy this year seeing my friends in housed chapters living in their beautiful houses while I am in a normal dorm. I really wanted that house experience, and while I love my sorority so much, I feel like I am missing out a lot of the time. I keep reminding myself how wonderful my sorority is, but every time I see an Instagram of the girls in housed sororities baking cookies together at 2AM, or decorating together, or really anything my heart hurts a little. How do I deal with the jealousy of seeing these girls have the quintessential sorority experience, even though I know my chapter is right for me?

Blessings,
Carly

HQWest · #2 10-14-2014, 06:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by texasprincess

Hi y'all

I go to a small school with less than 10 sororities, and went through recruitment last year. Now on our campus there's a really weird and unfair thing where not all the chapters have houses - and it's not because they're just in the process of building new ones or anything, it's literally that the school will only allow a few of the chapters to have houses (it's less than 50% of them). I got a bid to an organization that I love and fit in with so well, but we do not have a house.

I am having a lot of jealousy this year seeing my friends in housed chapters living in their beautiful houses while I am in a normal dorm. I really wanted that house experience, and while I love my sorority so much, I feel like I am missing out a lot of the time. I keep reminding myself how wonderful my sorority is, but every time I see an Instagram of the girls in housed sororities baking cookies together at 2AM, or decorating together, or really anything my heart hurts a little. How do I deal with the jealousy of seeing these girls have the quintessential sorority experience, even though I know my chapter is right for me?

Blessings,
Carly

First, I think it is good you recognize that this is something that bothers you. I don't know why your campus is allowing an unequal housing situation, but three things are often mentioned in a university discussion of this - safety, enough space, and maintenance costs.

I have been around a while and in housed chapters we still have lots of
Complaints that there is either not room for everyone that wants to live in the house that the house is too expensive or that there are too many rules living in the house. It is a key thing cited when women resign as upperclassmen. The one chapter I advised where everyone liked living in, we had frequent maintenance issues because it was an old house.

Your friends in the housed chapter very likely deal with higher dues, girls who don't clean up after themselves, overcrowding, sharing, drama, noise, and it can all be crazy fun - or sometimes too much. We used to have a friend that lived in a frat house that would come to our dorm to use the bathtub and get away from his brothers every once in a while.

There is one NPC group that holds that large structures make it harder for the university to keep women safe from outsiders. I have had many discussions with girls that did not think it was a big deal to have friends over to the house and give them the combination to the door.

If you really love your sisters - think about things you can do with your limited space if that's what makes you feel left out. Have a grab a date party, midnight library run, have everyone go to the same place one day for a "Lunch spot"- ask your RA if you can decorate the hall or lobby for Halloween or Christmas?
Enjoy your college years while you can. Don't worry about the other groups
- and when your friends in the house are stressed out - share your bathtub, let them crash on your couch when they are sick, or let them study at your place when there is too much going on at the house

AZTheta · #3 10-14-2014, 08:59 AM

There is a story they tell of two dogs. Both at separate times walk into the same room. One comes out wagging his tail while the other comes out growling. A women watching this goes into the room to see what could possibly make one dog so happy and the other so sad. To her surprise, she find a room filled with mirrors. The happy dog found a thousand happy dogs looking back at him while the angry dog saw only angry dogs growling back to him.

What you see in the world around you is a reflection of who you are.

Do a search on Stanford University housed and unhoused Greek groups. Should give you a very different perspective.

thetalady · #4 10-14-2014, 12:37 PM

You can have a "housed" experience without a house, or at least very close to it.

1. Start working with University housing now to get a block of rooms in a dorm that your sorority sisters commit to living in. Get a floor or part of a floor in a dorm where you can all live together. My sorority did that before our house was built aand it worked out really well.

2. If the dorm floor is not an option, then maybe 10 or 12 of your sisters all get together and look for several apartments off campus to rent together. That is a great combination of privacy and togetherness.

3. Maybe even a rental house with 3-4 bedrooms could work. Just be sure to be GOOD neighbors, if you do this!

THINK OUTSIDE THE SORORITY HOUSE BOX!

Titchou · #5 10-14-2014, 02:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thetalady

You can have a "housed" experience without a house, or at least very close to it.

1. Start working with University housing now to get a block of rooms in a dorm that your sorority sisters commit to living in. Get a floor or part of a floor in a dorm where you can all live together. My sorority did that before our house was built aand it worked out really well.

2. If the dorm floor is not an option, then maybe 10 or 12 of your sisters all get together and look for several apartments off campus to rent together. That is a great combination of privacy and togetherness.

3. Maybe even a rental house with 3-4 bedrooms could work. Just be sure to be GOOD neighbors, if you do this!

THINK OUTSIDE THE SORORITY HOUSE BOX!

Be sure and check with your house corporation before you look into these. There may be rules you have to adhere to or house corporation may have to take the lead. Anything with your letters on it - if you are on NPC group - has to have its "blessing" these days.

AnchorAlumna · #6 10-14-2014, 03:02 PM

Every time you open your chapter bill, take a look.
Do you have a line for parlor fees? Room? Board (food)? Security? Utilities?

Is your chapter writing checks for house insurance, roof repair, replacing plumbing, landscaping, replacing rusted-out walk-in refrigerators, heating and air conditioning units that have to lifted to the roof with a rented crane?
Are sisters paying for housemother, cooks, maids, plus associated payroll taxes?

No?

Then thank your lucky stars you're in an unhoused chapter!

thetalady · #7 10-14-2014, 04:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Titchou

Be sure and check with your house corporation before you look into these. There may be rules you have to adhere to or house corporation may have to take the lead. Anything with your letters on it - if you are on NPC group - has to have its "blessing" these days.

I happily defer to others on the topic of possible House Corp and GLO rules about sorority women living together and remove my comment

AZTheta · #8 10-14-2014, 04:16 PM

Re: Titchou's comments. You need to be very very careful, regardless of whether your letters are on a building or not. Check out the Risk Management policies. If the actions of a group are identifiable as belonging to a particular GLO, you can bring down all sorts of headaches and heartaches on yourselves. I'd check with Headquarters.

33girl · #9 10-14-2014, 05:46 PM

Are these houses on campus or off campus?

If they're on, the school can't say 5 can have houses and 5 cannot and be making no moves to change it. That makes no sense and is discriminatory and your national headquarters should be contacted ASAP.

If they're off campus, the school has nothing to do with it. They may tell you they do - they may cite local laws which don't exist - they may spin the rumor mill - but the school has NOTHING to do with it. Ask the other groups who their landlord is and if he/she has any other similar houses available.

WCsweet<3 · #10 10-14-2014, 10:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

Are these houses on campus or off campus?

If they're on, the school can't say 5 can have houses and 5 cannot and be making no moves to change it. That makes no sense and is discriminatory and your national headquarters should be contacted ASAP.

If they're off campus, the school has nothing to do with it. They may tell you they do - they may cite local laws which don't exist - they may spin the rumor mill - but the school has NOTHING to do with it. Ask the other groups who their landlord is and if he/she has any other similar houses available.

This was my exact thought.

texasprincess · #11 10-15-2014, 01:49 AM

Thanks for the replies y'all. To those who were asking about on/off campus - the handful of sorority houses are on campus and university owned. The school is NOT supportive of Greek Life at all and has made it clear that they do not want to add more houses. I don't know anything about what our Nationals thinks of the situation though.

Living together in a dorm is something we're working on I just worry that it's not the same

pinksequins · #12 10-15-2014, 07:26 AM

I have experience with dorm floors, but before I write, I am paging Clemsongirl. Clemson has floors for its chapters, and Clemsongirl is also an RA, so she can speak to both the dorm floor issue and how it may be perceived by other students and through a university residence life office.

pinksequins · #13 10-15-2014, 07:45 AM

This post is limited to whether the living experience on a dorm floor is the "same" from a live-on's perspective. (There are still risk management and other compliance issues from an alumnae/House Corp perspextive.)

Living in a dorm is pretty much the same as your current situation (I am imagining that you live in a dorm now), except that you know these women (versus a random group). This can make for close friendships and also for all of the drama that goes along with knowing some folks a bit too well. I don't know if the other houses at your school serve meals, which could be a differentiator. Otherwise, it is the same tight quarters, rule-bound, love it/hate it that other posters described with a house. Most do not have chapter rooms, but some have TV lounges or kitchenettes for cookie baking. The women who did not live on the floor noticed a closeness among those who could banter about everyday happenings, but that is the case with any living arrangement where not everyone lives in.

At a Greek unfriendly school, you may have non-members on your floor. That can pose challenges (dealt with that set-up too). Your group will be "unofficial" when it suits the U (such as non-members living with you) but "official" when it suits the U to lay down the law. Titchou's points are spot-on: check with your Inter/nationonal HQ for guidance. But with a friendly, consciencious group, it can work.