When family members lie

Geauxme · #1 02-25-2010, 02:12 PM

I wish there was an anonymous button on this web site as this is not a comfortable story for me to tell...

The short version is this; I have a family member who promised to help me acquire a couple of recs for my rush in the fall. I ran around like a crazy putting together a nice resume, making sure to send some nice photos, gathered my grades and the US equivalences of these, and had a very nice presentation of myself if I do say so myself. I sent them to said family member, all the while believing it was going to be passed along to her friends in various sororities which would have gotten me about 5 of the required 10 recs I need.

Family member tells me that this is taken care of... low and behold I have found out (don't ask how... LOL) that my information has not been sent/forwarded to anyone.. I have not told this family member that I know the truth... I asked if she needed anything else to which she replied "God no, it's all been sent to my friends already".

I can't believe she would lie and deceive me like this! She knows how competitive the school I'm rushing at is, and I worked so hard asking people to help me with recs (which is not easy being halfway across the globe) and TRUSTED her to help me get those 5 out of the way. Now I feel like time is running out and I need to find new people I can trust to send some recs for me. I mean what if I had not found out the truth? Then what? I would have gone through rush thinking I had some wonderful heartfelt and genuine recs, and probably been cut for not having recs at those 5 sororities!

I cannot believe my own family would do that to me?! I am so furious and have no idea what to do now, because if I try to ask around amongst people we know she will most likely hear about it, and get mad at me for not "trusting" her!

Sorry if this is so long, I just need help in figuring out my next step, and how to deal with this backstabbing!

knight_shadow · #2 02-25-2010, 02:19 PM

Completely out of my lane here, but...

Why not tell her that you checked with a friend/contact at one of the 5 sororities to see if there was any additional information needed and, in the course of your conversation, it was brought up that they're still waiting on your recs? You could ask her if there were any issues sending things out and hopefully, that'll prompt her to get on the ball.

ThetaDancer · #3 02-25-2010, 02:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geauxme

I wish there was an anonymous button on this web site as this is not a comfortable story for me to tell...

The short version is this; I have a family member who promised to help me acquire a couple of recs for my rush in the fall. I ran around like a crazy putting together a nice resume, making sure to send some nice photos, gathered my grades and the US equivalences of these, and had a very nice presentation of myself if I do say so myself. I sent them to said family member, all the while believing it was going to be passed along to her friends in various sororities which would have gotten me about 5 of the required 10 recs I need.

Family member tells me that this is taken care of... low and behold I have found out (don't ask how... LOL) that my information has not been sent/forwarded to anyone.. I have not told this family member that I know the truth... I asked if she needed anything else to which she replied "God no, it's all been sent to my friends already".

I can't believe she would lie and deceive me like this! She knows how competitive the school I'm rushing at is, and I worked so hard asking people to help me with recs (which is not easy being halfway across the globe) and TRUSTED her to help me get those 5 out of the way. Now I feel like time is running out and I need to find new people I can trust to send some recs for me. I mean what if I had not found out the truth? Then what? I would have gone through rush thinking I had some wonderful heartfelt and genuine recs, and probably been cut for not having recs at those 5 sororities!

I cannot believe my own family would do that to me?! I am so furious and have no idea what to do now, because if I try to ask around amongst people we know she will most likely hear about it, and get mad at me for not "trusting" her!
Sorry if this is so long, I just need help in figuring out my next step, and how to deal with this backstabbing!

That would really be the least of my worries right now, if I were you. If she gets mad about you not trusting her, she'll have to come clean about the fact she was unreliable and dishonest. Ask anyone and everyone you know, regardless of if they know this family member.

On the bright side, you've probably already done a lot of the leg work by preparing your resume, photos, grades, etc.

ETA: I also agree with knightshadow's approach.

Geauxme · #4 02-25-2010, 02:28 PM

@ Knightshadow: The thing is, I don't know those girls personally, and she never really mentioned names apart from one girl that is in the same sorority as she is, so I cannot approach it like you suggested.. But I am open to other ways of bringing it up

@ ThetaDancer - I don't know a whole lotta people so I guess I'm going to have to branch out a bit, and see what I can come up with!

knight_shadow · #5 02-25-2010, 02:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geauxme

The thing is, I don't know those girls personally, and she never really mentioned names apart from one girl that is in the same sorority as she is, so I cannot approach it like you suggested.. But I am open to other ways of bringing it up

Have you contacted the Greek Life office at the university?

(Correct me if I'm wrong, NPCers) Could you say that you e-mailed an executive officer of one of the chapters and got the information that way?

33girl · #6 02-25-2010, 02:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by knight_shadow

Have you contacted the Greek Life office at the university?

(Correct me if I'm wrong, NPCers) Could you say that you e-mailed an executive officer of one of the chapters and got the information that way?

Recs don't go to the Greek Life office so that won't work. Also, it's really not kosher for the PNMs to be emailing the chapters.

Geauxme - there could be ALL kinds of reasons this family member didn't follow through, and some of them could open HUGE cans of worms, so I honestly would just let. it. go. Contact the Alumnae Panhellenic nearest the school you're going to be attending, explain your situation, and see if they can help you. You could also see if the school has an alumni association in your neck of the woods.

ETA: I checked. They (kind of) do.

aopirose · #7 02-25-2010, 02:47 PM

When all else fails, try the direct approach. Contact the sororities yourself. You already have your packet together.

Excerpts from the LSU 2010 Recruitment FAQ Sheet:

How to Obtain Recommendations:

"2. Women who may not know of anyone in the area who is an alumnae member of a particular sorority should contact the national headquarters to inquire about a local person from their organization who coordinates their recommendations/references.
See national organization website addresses.

Website Addresses
www.chiomega.org www.kappadelta.org
www.deltagamma.org www.phimu.org
www.deltazeta.org www.pibetaphi.org
www.kappa.org www.tridelta.org
www.kappaalphatheta.org www.zetataualpha.org "

"4. What if I still don’t have a rec for all 10 sororities? Send enough copies of [your resume and 2 pictures] along with a note saying which sororities you need recs for to our address (472 LSU Student Union, 70803) and we will share your information with the sororities. It is ultimately the sororities’ responsibility to get recommendations for you, but it makes it easier on them if you do as much as possible to obtain them."

"The responsibility for providing letters of recommendation for potential members rests with the chapters (NPC Guidelines). In the interest of time, it is helpful to be proactive in this process.

Again, although not required, it is highly recommended to secure recommendations/references for the sororities."

Geauxme · #8 02-25-2010, 02:59 PM

@ 33girl... do they have something way up here? If so, send me a pm or post a link so I can check it out

@Aopirose: Thanks for the links, I'll see if I can figure something out.. it's just an overwhelming amount of information

lol

I am going to let it go in regards to her not following through, as for the reasons? I know exactly why she hasn't followed through, and it turns out there has been a lot more things going on with this person than the rest of the family ever imagined! It's just so sad when no one knows how to handle it, and it just keeps escalating.. I can live with what she's done to me.. I mean, I still have time to fix it, but other things that have come out are just downright appalling!

ree-Xi · #9 02-25-2010, 04:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geauxme

@ 33girl... do they have something way up here? If so, send me a pm or post a link so I can check it out

@Aopirose: Thanks for the links, I'll see if I can figure something out.. it's just an overwhelming amount of information

lol

I am going to let it go in regards to her not following through, as for the reasons? I know exactly why she hasn't followed through, and it turns out there has been a lot more things going on with this person than the rest of the family ever imagined! It's just so sad when no one knows how to handle it, and it just keeps escalating.. I can live with what she's done to me.. I mean, I still have time to fix it, but other things that have come out are just downright appalling!

So are you looking for help on how to acquire recs or how to deal with a family member lying?

In pursuing recs from people not associated with your family member, I highly suggest not bringing up the family drama. In other words, don't say "I'm writing to you because my family member was supposed to get me all these recs and she lied to me, so now I am stuck".

If do you know any of the people personally, just ask them directly.

I guess at this point, in terms of recruitment, pretend it never happened and do it all yourself anyway. AOPIROSE had great advice (directly from the school itself). Just let the drama go, and move on. Quickly. And good luck.

tootiepie · #10 02-25-2010, 06:52 PM

I know that you are upset and I don't know the whole story but talk to her again. My daughter just did LSU recruitment last year and I know that they do not want your resumes until after graduation. I believe that I remember you saying you would be a sophmore but you still have time. And although it was not right to tell you she had done them, maybe she really does mean to but just has been to busy and doesn't want you to worry. And if she hears about you asking someone else for recs, Just tell her you wanted to make sure you had more than one rec for eaach sorority. Most like to have two anyway.

gee_ess · #11 02-25-2010, 08:50 PM

Another thing you could do is tell your family member that you would like to write a thank you note to your rec writers (something I highly encourage everyone to do) and ask if she could pass along their contact info to you.

Also, do you really trust the source that told you the recs are not being taken care of? It is highly possible that the recs are not written yet because it is actually kind of early for them. Maybe there is just a breakdown in communication.

Regarding contacting the sorority directly, I think we need to hear from someone familiar with LSU before you do that. At some schools this would be a 'no no' despite what the Pan rules say.

Follow 33girl's advice and get in touch with an alum panhellenic association either in your area (if there is one up there!) OR in your most recent US city you lived in OR you could contact the alumnae association right there in Baton Rouge to let them know your situation (not the family situation but the overseas situation) and ask for help.

annabella · #12 02-25-2010, 10:14 PM

I like gee_ess's way of reminding her about it by asking for thank you note contact.

Also, do you go to an American or British school? Oftentimes these schools have alumni groups stateside, and you may be able to network that way.

Geauxme · #13 02-26-2010, 05:24 AM

The source is myself.. I found out by my own accord.. what irritatwes me is that she has said and I quote "oh god yes, I e-mailed that in to them weeks ago". This family member stayed in my apartment for free for 3,5 months, and then this is how I get repaid? UGH! Sorry I am just really angry about being lied to.. I would have understood if there was a miscommunication, but I did ask directly.. *vents*

I don't go to an american or british school, but have someone that might be able to help me so I will look into it, and as I am going to the states in exactly ONE week and will be both in BR and other cities I will try to schedule some meetings with people that might be able to help... I just hope that they have time to meet me

aopirose · #14 02-26-2010, 09:38 AM

Quote:

Regarding contacting the sorority directly, I think we need to hear from someone familiar with LSU before you do that. At some schools this would be a 'no no' despite what the Pan rules say.

It's OK to contact the sororities' inter/national HQs not the individual collegiate chapters.

Sending a cover letter and resume' to the Greek Affairs for distribution should be Plan E.

33girl · #15 02-26-2010, 10:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aopirose

Sending a cover letter and resume' to the Greek Affairs for distribution should be Plan E.

As in E for EEEEEEEEK HOLY CRAP IT'S 2.5 SECONDS BEFORE RUSH AND NO ONE HAS GOTTEN MY RECS!!