What could I have done differently?

[Sen's Revenge]

In one of my organizations, I was on an awards committee.

A person from my chapter was nominated for an award by a past national officer, who was also a member of my chapter.

I had personal knowledge of an incident which occurred between the nominee and another member of the chapter. I did not have express permission from the alleged victim to discuss the incident with the awards committee, but I did have their permission to state why I was voting against the nominee.

I told the awards committee that I would not be voting favorably because of character issues with the nominee.

The chair dug for information, but I refused to provide details to respect the privacy of the alleged victim. The chair dug further and I told him what details he needed were outside of the scope of the awards committee. I reiterated that I was voting no based on character.

I know for a fact that one other committee member voted no, but I just found out that the nominee would be receiving the award.

I resigned from the committee in protest and I will not be attending the ceremony.

In the background of all of this, I sought advice from various people, each of which saying the same thing: there was really no more that I could say and that I'd just have to hope that the other committee members trust my word. If I had divulged more details, the alleged victim would have been put "on trial" if you will, and the nominee STILL could have received the award anyway.

It was really the nominee's words against the alleged victim the whole time.

That made me think about rape culture more acutely. I was sympathetic before, but now being put in a position of.... not really defending the victim, but to make sure people understood I was not in favor of rewarding this guy... like, people were either going to think I was being coy and petty, or they would just believe me that the guy didn't deserve the award.

The alleged victim was aware of the proceedings and did not want to be named, and she told me even MORE details that make me want to punch the guy. (I won't, of course.)

Anyway.... it's over now, and I feel decent about sticking to my principles, but I was wondering if anyone else might have done anything differently in this situation.

[als463]

Originally Posted by Sen's Revenge

In one of my organizations, I was on an awards committee.

A person from my chapter was nominated for an award by a past national officer, who was also a member of my chapter.

I had personal knowledge of an incident which occurred between the nominee and another member of the chapter. I did not have express permission from the alleged victim to discuss the incident with the awards committee, but I did have their permission to state why I was voting against the nominee.

I told the awards committee that I would not be voting favorably because of character issues with the nominee.

The chair dug for information, but I refused to provide details to respect the privacy of the alleged victim. The chair dug further and I told him what details he needed were outside of the scope of the awards committee. I reiterated that I was voting no based on character.

I know for a fact that one other committee member voted no, but I just found out that the nominee would be receiving the award.

I resigned from the committee in protest and I will not be attending the ceremony.

In the background of all of this, I sought advice from various people, each of which saying the same thing: there was really no more that I could say and that I'd just have to hope that the other committee members trust my word. If I had divulged more details, the alleged victim would have been put "on trial" if you will, and the nominee STILL could have received the award anyway.

It was really the nominee's words against the alleged victim the whole time.

That made me think about rape culture more acutely. I was sympathetic before, but now being put in a position of.... not really defending the victim, but to make sure people understood I was not in favor of rewarding this guy... like, people were either going to think I was being coy and petty, or they would just believe me that the guy didn't deserve the award.

The alleged victim was aware of the proceedings and did not want to be named, and she told me even MORE details that make me want to punch the guy. (I won't, of course.)

Anyway.... it's over now, and I feel decent about sticking to my principles, but I was wondering if anyone else might have done anything differently in this situation.

I'm not sure I would have resigned. First, I think it's admirable that you stuck to your principles and stood up for the victim. That proves your true character. Unfortunately, without going into specifics, which I respect you not doing and agree with your choice, I can see how the committee may have felt conflicted. Think about it. For all they knew, you were jealous of the success of the perpetrator. I recognize you were not but, can see how others may have assumed that. This is such a tough and unsettling situation but, I think you dealt with it in the best possible way. Hopefully you feel that way.

[Titchou]

I don't know that I would have resigned either. Sounds like they need a voice of reason on the committee. But it is understandable that you would want to do so...and that they would go ahead and vote to give him the award. A real conundrum that's difficult to navigate.

[Kevin]

You always have to balance the rights of the victim against the rights of the accused. Swinging too far to the side of the victim means you're going to weaponize such allegations and that has its own set of unhappy consequences.

I'm not sure you should have resigned. Sounds like you are a credit to the organization. It sounds like there are some issues on that committee with members not being willing to take your personal experience and knowledge into consideration and trust in your good character that if you made such a recommendation, you made it for a valid reason. It doesn't sound like they valued your voice and maybe you felt you were wasting your time with them? I might agree with that.

[andthen]

Sen, I feel like you were really between a rock and a hard place and it was really a no-win situation for you. Certainly you maintained the confidentiality of the victim which I have to say is commendable considering the alternative to act on emotion and divulge more than you were authorized to do.

The two individuals involved truly know what happened and it sounds like a pretty awful thing. I do wonder if the second person who voted no had knowledge of the incident but at this point its probably neither here nor there, with regard to the award.

Resigning from your position, I get it on some level. I'd be pretty upset if I was in your situation and felt like my opinion wasn't valued, so if that played into your decision I understand. I'm not sure if you expressed that to the other committee members but if you haven't it might be helpful to at least follow up and provide insight on why you resigned the position. If anything although it may not change the situation it might give them food for thought should there be another character issue that comes up with a subsequent nominee.

[Sen's Revenge]

Originally Posted by Kevin

You always have to balance the rights of the victim against the rights of the accused. Swinging too far to the side of the victim means you're going to weaponize such allegations and that has its own set of unhappy consequences.

I'm not sure you should have resigned. Sounds like you are a credit to the organization. It sounds like there are some issues on that committee with members not being willing to take your personal experience and knowledge into consideration and trust in your good character that if you made such a recommendation, you made it for a valid reason. It doesn't sound like they valued your voice and maybe you felt you were wasting your time with them? I might agree with that.

I hear your thoughts and appreciate them.

For what it's worth, my term expired this month anyway, so it was more of a symbolic gesture anyway. Had it been in the middle of a term, I might have stayed to fight and/or make a larger point.

A large reason that I didn't divulge more information was because I understand how quickly these things can turn into gossip, rumor, etc -- things we wouldn't say to the person's face.

For me, I would absolutely say to him what I said to the committee. But I was measured the whole time and didn't want to blow it up in a way where none of us could recover.

Thank you for your feedback.

Originally Posted by andthen

Sen, I feel like you were really between a rock and a hard place and it was really a no-win situation for you. Certainly you maintained the confidentiality of the victim which I have to say is commendable considering the alternative to act on emotion and divulge more than you were authorized to do.

The two individuals involved truly know what happened and it sounds like a pretty awful thing. I do wonder if the second person who voted no had knowledge of the incident but at this point its probably neither here nor there, with regard to the award.

Resigning from your position, I get it on some level. I'd be pretty upset if I was in your situation and felt like my opinion wasn't valued, so if that played into your decision I understand. I'm not sure if you expressed that to the other committee members but if you haven't it might be helpful to at least follow up and provide insight on why you resigned the position. If anything although it may not change the situation it might give them food for thought should there be another character issue that comes up with a subsequent nominee.

Thank you.

The other no vote was not affiliated and is highly unlikely to have had knowledge of it. That is an interesting theory, though.

If I cared a little more, I might make it a point to explain why (although the email chain perhaps makes it clear). I did reach out to the other no vote to thank him for taking me at my word.

To all reading: This pretty much marks the end of my run with this organization--not for this reason--so I am not very inclined to make this issue a cause, but I have definitely learned a lot because of this particular incident.

Thank you, for real.

[Sen's Revenge]

Originally Posted by als463

I'm not sure I would have resigned. First, I think it's admirable that you stuck to your principles and stood up for the victim. That proves your true character. Unfortunately, without going into specifics, which I respect you not doing and agree with your choice, I can see how the committee may have felt conflicted. Think about it. For all they knew, you were jealous of the success of the perpetrator. I recognize you were not but, can see how others may have assumed that. This is such a tough and unsettling situation but, I think you dealt with it in the best possible way. Hopefully you feel that way.

Originally Posted by Titchou

I don't know that I would have resigned either. Sounds like they need a voice of reason on the committee. But it is understandable that you would want to do so...and that they would go ahead and vote to give him the award. A real conundrum that's difficult to navigate.

I hear you both.

For me, staying on the committee means that I have to walk lock-step with them, and I do not. Now that I am not, I am absolved from having to support the winner.

I really wish I could share more details. I WILL say that what he was nominated for was not impressive on its own, or against the other winners this biennium. He just doesn't fit, and it's almost like somebody owed him a favor lol

I appreciate you taking the time to respond and helping me think through this.