Thinking about dropping, not sure what to do

[mangokitty]

So I’ve been in my sorority for a little over a year. I’m a founding member. At the beginning, it was really fun. I made so many friends and I was very happy because that’s something I really struggled with in college. It’s been very hard for me to make friends. Well, long story short the majority of initiated members dropped, unfortunately. We went from 126 initiated members to about 50...my entire friend group dropped, aside from one girl, who no longer talks to me after moving in with the cliquiest (and meanest) group of girls in our sorority. She told me I can’t come to her house because her roommates don’t think I’m “cool enough”. Really? Are we in middle school?

Anyway, this semester has just been tough because I’ve been dealing with horrible anxiety and I couldn’t even participate in most of formal recruitment because I kept having panic attacks and being super uncomfortable and obviously didn’t want to reflect badly on our chapter to PNMs. I truly don’t have any friends in my sorority and I’m such an outcast in my mind. It feels like everyone has their own group of friends already and it’s very hard to infiltrate them...like I’ve hung out with a lot of the girls before because they knew I was struggling during recruitment. It feels like they were just trying to be nice (which I appreciate!) but didn’t really wanna actually be friends because no one wanted to hang out again after that. The morale in the whole chapter kinda sucks honestly. I’m one of about 20 initiated members that actually show up to chapter every week.

Idk. I’m just on the fence because it’s not doing anything for me at all right now and I’m not enjoying it. I dread going to chapter. I don’t have any friends. My horrible anxiety keeps me from being able to be outgoing and likable, so no one really wants to talk to me and I just stand around awkwardly by myself. The restaurant I worked at just randomly shut down so I’m finding another job, I truly cannot afford dues I don’t even know what I’m going to do or how I’m going to pay them. They told me even if I drop I still have to pay so I don’t know what to do. It just feels like everything’s falling apart. I had asked about going inactive for a semester just so I can get things together without having to worry about events and dues and chapter etc all the time. But I guess my sorority does not do inactive, so it wasn’t an option.

I just feel like if I drop, I might regret it and I know it might be able to open doors for me in the future. But at the same time I’m so overwhelmed and not enjoying it at all + the fact that I can’t afford it right now. Does anyone have any advice? Thank you.