Survival Tips For Marriages Gone Wrong...

[delph998]

***Note to the Moderators*** I checked to see if this had been a past thread and I didn't see anything. If so, I apologize in advance.

I know a male that has been married for about fifteen years. He's an older guy and has four children. He has always talked about how bad his marriage is and how he wants out of it. When I spoke to him this past time, he told me that his wife told him that she had fallen out of love with him and wanted out of the marriage. He was really hurt and was willing to do whatever to make it last.

Then I was reading on the AKA's thread that Brandy and her husband had separated. Then, I know many other people who are married and are either sleeping in different rooms of their homes, not happy, etc. This is very disturbing to me. I want to get married one day, and I definitely don't want to go through that! Additionally, I want to get married ONCE and I want us to have unconditional love. A love that is so strong that you can tell me where I fall short and I'll do whatever to make it right.

My question is...how do you make marriages survive?

Firstly, I think you definitely need a spiritual foundation. Secondly, I think communication is important. What are your thoughts?

[Honeykiss1974]

I agree with Delph, that in a marriage, both partners MUST have a foundation rooted in Christ, in order for it to work. And of course love (outlined in I Corinthians 13). With that said, here is my opinion on a few other tidbits.

I believe that when you enter into marriage, you CAN NOT go into it with the expectation that this person is WILL NEVER CHANGE because guess what ...... they will. (I don't want this to come off bitter, so just keep reading and hear me out).

Think about it. Are you the same person that you were 10, 5, 2 years ago? Shoot, maybe even last weekend? Of course not. As we get older, its perfectly natural for us to grow and change as a person. IMHO, one key to loving your husband/wife unconditionally is being able to accept the fact that your partner will grow/change and learn how to respond to it as a couple.

**DISCLAIMER** This does not apply to EXTREME situations (i.e. mid-life crisis type stuff, sudden abusive behavior, drug use, etc. but just in general)

Additionally, I believe that couples can not be afraid of seeking therapy either. I know sometimes, especially in our community, therapy is seen as being as taboo, but we have got to overcome that mind-set. If you need professional help, by all means get it.

[delph998]

Originally posted by Honeykiss1974
I believe that when you enter into marriage, you CAN NOT go into it with the expectation that this person is WILL NEVER CHANGE because guess what ...... they will. (I don't want this to come off bitter, so just keep reading and hear me out).

Honey, I agree with you there! And most of my friends that are married are saying just that. "He/she's changed. The same things he/she did before we got married, he/she should do now to keep me." When they tell me that I ask them if they've verbalized that to their spouses and most times they haven't. That's why I feel communication is a very pertinent component to a successful marriage.



Additionally, I believe that couples can not be afraid of seeking therapy either. I know sometimes, especially in our community, therapy is seen as being as taboo, but we have got to overcome that mind-set. If you need professional help, by all means get it.

This is another big one. A lot of people have problems with this!! I know that marriage counseling was taboo at one point and time, but I think it's a very essential tool to keeping your marriage sane.

Other thoughts?

[Eclipse]

In my seven years of marriage, here's some of the things I've learned

My survival tips.....

One of the reasons many marriages fail in my opinion is selfishness. The "I want what I want when I want it and can't nobody tell me what to do 'cause I'm grown" mentality. If you are spoiled, self centered and selfish, do yourself a favor and don't get married. Selflessness is putting your spouse's needs above your needs--even when they are acting crazy.

1 Corinthians 13 and it's defination of love, as Honeykiss mentioned should be the standard you try to meet everyday.

Truly learn how to FORGET. Your spouse is going to do somethings that truly piss you off. Get over it.

Learn how to say I'm sorry and mean it.

Sometimes--a lotta times--you just gotta pray!

Don't sweat the small stuff. He won't put the seat down in the bathroom? Learn to look before you sit. She leaves long hairs in the bathroom sink? Take a towel and wipe them out.

While I agree that you should not expect a person to stay the same, be prepared if they do. What's cute in college and at 22, may not be so cute when you are 42 . You fell in love because he was "spontaneous and a free spirit". Well, how will you feel about it if this "free spirit" quits his job to open an Art Gallery? Like your girl cause she is super organized and good with money? Well, will it still be cute if she makes you keep track of every penny you spend and puts it in a spreadsheet (down to the 50 cents you spent on a Coke at work. I know someone who does that.) Someone told me to magnify my then boyfriend's best qualities by 1o and see if they are still cute. Then magnify the stuff that irritates the heck out of me by 10 and see if that would be o.k. too If you can deal with the good and the bad.

Be careful of the company you keep. I know that's your boy/girl, but if they ain't nevah in a good relationship and always bad mouthing yours, it may be time to get some new friends, or at least limit the time with that friend. You want to be around folks who will lift you and your relationship up and let you know when you are tripping.

I agree about the therapy thing as well. A lot of us have not seen good role models in marriage, and really don't know how it is supposed to work. Then, if we have had "good" role models some of us expect our marriages to be exactly like them or our husbands to behave like our dads (and know this instinctively) or our wives to behave like our mothers. It doesn't always work that way. My husband and I have gone to see a therapist 2 times. The first time we went for one session. We had come to an empasse about something things and needed an impartial 3rd party. One session was more than enough. The second time we spent a little more time, but it was well worth it. We both needed to get rid of some of the "junk" we had regarding relationships and expectations.

On a related note...As Christians we wanted to go to a Christian Counselor, and as much as I love and respect my pastor did not think he was the best person for a few reasons. We found in our search for a good counselor that everyone who claims to be a Christian counselor does not practice as such, and all counselors are not good counselors. So, if you are looking for someone for individual or couples counseling I encourage you to interview several people, pray about it, and pick the best one for you.

[Honeykiss1974]

Originally posted by Eclipse

While I agree that you should not expect a person to stay the same, be prepared if they do. What's cute in college and at 22, may not be so cute when you are 42 . You fell in love because he was "spontaneous and a free spirit". Well, how will you feel about it if this "free spirit" quits his job to open an Art Gallery? Like your girl cause she is super organized and good with money? Well, will it still be cute if she makes you keep track of every penny you spend and puts it in a spreadsheet (down to the 50 cents you spent on a Coke at work. I know someone who does that.) Someone told me to magnify my then boyfriend's best qualities by 1o and see if they are still cute. Then magnify the stuff that irritates the heck out of me by 10 and see if that would be o.k. too If you can deal with the good and the bad.

Thanks for pointing this out Eclipse. I didn't even consider the other end of the spectrum....no change.

[delph998]

Very well said, Eclipse!

[blackerican]

I'll be married 5 yrs. on July 10!!!

These are a few things that I've learned:

1.Make sure that your spouse is your BEST FRIEND!!!

2.Never go to bed mad.

3.Be willing to see things from your spouse's point of view.

4.Never be too proud to admit you're wrong.

5. Say sorry when you need to.

6.Spend quality time together (w/out the kids!!!!)

7. Always say "I Love You"

8.Pray together

[delph998]

Originally posted by blackerican
I'll be married 5 yrs. on July 10!!!

These are a few things that I've learned:

1.Make sure that your spouse is your BEST FRIEND!!!

2.Never go to bed mad.

3.Be willing to see things from your spouse's point of view.

4.Never be too proud to admit you're wrong.

5. Say sorry when you need to.

6.Spend quality time together (w/out the kids!!!!)

7. Always say "I Love You"

8.Pray together

Thank you blackerican! Those were some very good points. They seem pretty straight forward...I wonder why marriages break up so easily! And what's up with couples breaking up that have been married for 15-20 years? What do you all think go wrong in those cases?

[zetafg]

I want to say THANK YOU to all of your comments. I'm not married or engaged to be married.....YET

But I have had some thoughts about being married and if things will work out. I know of a couple who have been married for 26 years and separated in their 25th year. I just don't understand that! I mean I know what happened in the relationship, but I just don't understand why folks don't want to try to work things out or change for the better.

At any rate, I will keep in mind the comments made here and make a few lists of my own and learn to look at things from his point of view more often.

[snuggles12]

"...I wonder why marriages break up so easily! And what's up with couples breaking up that have been married for 15-20 years? What do you all think go wrong in those cases?"

IMHO, they probably stayed together for the children and now figured that a divorce can't do that much damage now since the children are older and the parents want to live for themselves.


I completely agree with going into a marriage knowing that the things that you admired may become the things that you hate about the person. Also, people go into a marriage that unrealistic expectations (i.e., if your mate wasn't a social butterfly before marriage, don't expect him to be one after marriage).

If divorce was more acceptable 50 years ago, would there been more divorces back then?

[Honeykiss1974]

Originally posted by snuggles12

If divorce was more acceptable 50 years ago, would there been more divorces back then?

I personally think it so. I know a lot of people who's parent, although they stayed together, slept in seperate bedrooms and such.

[Darkcoco]

Eclipse made some wonderful points..

We tend to give up very easily. Its always easier to give up than to stick in there and work it out. Swallow your pride. Get over it.

My advice.

-Pray.
-Talk to your spouse not at him/her
-Don't take each other for granted, no you are not 22 but you don't have to look like 92 either.
- I am a big Dr Phil fan, and he says to keep you self up, in other words if you are a stay at home mom, don't let your spouse see you in rollers and housecoat(yes housecoat), slippers...etc. Because he is going to work and believe me he will see all of the little hotties.


- date each other. We plan everything else in our lives, when to see this show, get your nails done, hang out wit the girls...so do the same for you spouse...treat them like a girlfriend/boyfriend.


---Most importantly keep people, especially family out of your business..everyone doesn't want to see you happy...and you all know that if you tell mom about a bad experience with your spouse, she will never forget about it and may never forgive or forget. Find A trusted friend and/or counselor ( I say counselor, but I was suprised how much my friends were for my keeping my marriage together when things were rocky for me)

[gamma_girl52]

This is a great thread.

I have been in a relationship for almost 6 years, and I got engaged when I was 21 (with the same guy I'm with now, of course). However, I wanted to wait until I was out of college before we got married. We are thinking of eloping after I graduate.

However, I felt compelled to respond after Darkcoco's post about family...it's true. I told my mother and sister about a situation when my fiancee and I were going through a bad time. They have not let up since then...they say they like him but still have little backhanded comments about him sometimes. They tend to worry because while I'm about to be a college graduate, my fiancee hasn't continued his education. They say, "we don't want you to end up taking care of everything". My fiancee has always been there for me financially, contributing to our household (we live together) and has always worked hard. And I do think that when he's ready he'll go on, education wise.

I have always tried too hard about pleasing my family and it was taking a major toll on my relationship. I had to decide, "when is it going to be MY life?" Every little comment bothered me. And then I would mess around and tell him what they said because I was upset. A vicious cycle. I have finally decided to break out of this by distancing myself a little from my family.

I know this is a marriage thread, but since this is on the horizon for me, do you guys think I'm doing the right thing? I still want to have a loving/positive relationship with my family, but at the same time I can't continue to be around people who sometimes support my relationship, and sometimes do not. Opinions please!

[Darkcoco]

Thanks delph998. Just know what you are getting into. It may be that your fiance' will never go back to school. Are you ok with this? I know lots of marriages where the women have better jobs and/or more education, it can work, but you have to have two stronger people and supportive families.

[Eclipse]

QUOTE]Originally posted by gamma_girl52
I have finally decided to break out of this by distancing myself a little from my family.

I know this is a marriage thread, but since this is on the horizon for me, do you guys think I'm doing the right thing? I still want to have a loving/positive relationship with my family, but at the same time I can't continue to be around people who sometimes support my relationship, and sometimes do not. Opinions please! [/QUOTE]

At the risk of sounding like Robin (but I ain't waving my ta-tas at nobody but my hubby! ), the Bible says that we are to "leave and cleave". Leave your family physically (i.e. move out) and, to a certain extent, emotionally. Cleave by binding your self to him. Your first allegiance (sp?) should be to your family which is your husband (to be). My sister in law, who knew what a busy body my MIL could be, told me at my bridesmaids shower, that no one knows what's best for my family (me and hubby) but us--i.e. don't have everyone all up in the business. It's tough if you are close to your family, but they should understand. Doesn't mean you can't still be close, just means you have to pay attention to what you share with them.

There was another marriage related thread sometime ago that was really good. I of course can't remember what it was called, but I'm going to try to look for it. I remember Shalom2U, Now, recently returned Shalom2U08 (I think) had some great points on it. If CT4 doesn't beat me to it, I'll see if I can find it.

ETA: I think I found it and what do you know, I started the dang on thing! LOL

http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/sh...light=Shalom2U