cleaning out my facebook and wanted to pass this along. get a laugh and keep it moving.
1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary
to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up
because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is
your job. I suggest you figure it out.
2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all
the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth
while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.
3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you
off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing
and you're all wound up.
4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex
makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes
men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop
holding it over his head, it's not his fault.
5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is
uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable,
but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should
suffice.
6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes,
that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and
candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar
all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to
switch for you.
7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces
down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.
8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half
that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.
9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of
stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you
aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues
he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.
10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.
11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's
about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all
the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.
12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you
want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.
13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the
amazon. Yes, waxing hurts.
Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like
bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for
you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to
spend any time down there.
14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship
you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha.
That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.
15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do
it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal,
I suggest you get some kneepads.
16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you
make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound
like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and
someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that
noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my
toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".
17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist
that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your
bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your
responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you
shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.
18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little
fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you
shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When
he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing
that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.
19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but
sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.
20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex
is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have
20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half
clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.
21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't
acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if
he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an
invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his
cock in your butt.
22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I
know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a
brother out.
23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give
the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving
under the covers, either.
24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do
all the work.
25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than
women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back
a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not
dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to
move.
26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him.
It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your
clit, do something to make his job easier.
27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when hes touching
you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show
him how you like it.
28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then
deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he
doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking
surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what
else did you think was going to happen?
29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big
fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less
of one.
30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on
all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his
responsibility to start things all the time.
31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men
have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts
that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by
concentrating solely on his penis.
32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick
them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore
them.
33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who
gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want
to deal with the mess.
34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex
when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them
together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.
35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to
be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So
doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look
at it later and giggle at the memory.
36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not
making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange
faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.
37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's
hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of
a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a
midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really
matters.
38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American
dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick
interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not
so much. Know the difference).
39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton
mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.
40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners
back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.
41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will
happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and
cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.
42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something
so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.
43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he
thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not
working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of
unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.
44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is
more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and
things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a
little ridiculous of you.
45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he
has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo
says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.
46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things
because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were
made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that
pattern. They'll wash.
47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping
with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do
that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty
scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to
be.
48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But
changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the
washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have
possibly passed by is not the way to do it.
49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not
an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably
mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases
like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until
it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him.
He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and
rolling over are not ok.
50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was
it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means".
Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a
nap, perhaps not in that order
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