Advice needed

[Gdimom1]

My daughter has gone thru recruitment and it was about as good an experience as one could have. ( my older daughter had a much more difficult experience) She was open to several options. In the end She got her first choice but she said after pref night she'd be happy enough with any of them. She's certainly very happy though that she got her first choice. The problem is that her roommate wanted that one also and didn't get it. She got what is considered a lower ranked sorority ( the one my daughter prefffed second but still liked. She wasn't focused on the rankings. She preffed last the one considered the very top sorority )The roommate is very unhappy and while she hasn't dropped she's crying about it constantly. She's makes my daughter feel bad. Like when an older girl in my daughters sorority dropped off a new sorority t shirt the roommate burst into tears. My daughter still likes the girl but having many sorority events make it more difficult to socialize with her. Any advice about how to best handle this situation would be appreciated.

[Gdimom1]

The situation I'm asking about is her roommate being so unhappy and being set off by little references to the fact that she didn't get into the sorority she wanted. Like the t shirt delivered. Should my daughter ask the older girls not to do that or is that unnecessary or just plain wrong. What is appropriate to be sensitive to how the roomate is feeling without going overboard to avoid any hurt feeling?

[Cheerio]

It's just my opinion, but roomie needs to focus on her own sorority world and stop living vicariously into the sorority world of your daughter.

In a less harsh vein, your daughter might step forward and discuss on-campus counseling availabilities with her roommate. Success in college sometimes requires the assistance of professionals, and crying jags at the sight and sound of your daughter's sorority are no laughing matter.

[Titchou]

The roommate needs to focus on the fact that she got the one that wanted HER. That 's what's important. She's being very self centered and unsisterly to her sisters. She needs to grow up but that's not something your daughter can do for her. And no,your daughter does not need to ask that her sisters not come to her room/etc.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Obviously, your daughter can try to avoid sorority talk for the time being. If she runs into the room all excited that Alpha Beta Popular and Xi Psi Hotties serenaded her pledge class every night, it's going to make her roommate feel like she is missing out on things because she pledged a less popular group.

I wouldn't tell her to avoid displaying her letters, like if everyone has a door dec, she should get to have hers too, but maybe she and the roommate can try to connect on more neutral topics for the time being. If they could check out a non-sorority activity together, that would be good, too. Sometimes it's easy to feel like Greek life is everything, but it's not, even on a campus where it seems like it is. Going to the freshman bowling night at the union or something can be a good reminder that tons of students don't know an alpha from a lambda.

I think timeframe matters here, too. Are we talking like, bid day was Friday, or are we talking like it's been six weeks and roomie is still beside herself?

[Sciencewoman]

The RA should be good resource, too. They have training in helping new students adjust and helping roommates get along. I agree the time frame matters -- if this has been going on for a while, she could be having some deeper freshman adjustment issues.

[Gdimom1]

Thanks everyone. It hasn't been very long since Rush. That's very good specific advice @deltabetababy!

[DubaiSis]

I would make absolutely clear to your daughter that she should not feel bad and she should not have to go to extreme lengths to hide her happiness at her situation. She can make attempts to not go overboard, but she is absolutely allowed to be happy, display her letters, all that. The roommate will either come around or not and your daughter is not going to be able to help that. I'm sorry the roommate is raining on your daughter's parade.

[Hartofsec]

My daughter had a somewhat similar situation. Her roommate was a strong legacy to a chapter that released her mid-week, and roomie was just absolutely heart-broken.

My dd pledged the chapter that released her roommate, and aside from some awkwardness during the remainder of recruitment, my daughter became worried that the post-recruitment flurry of sorority-branded goodies and activities was a reminder of hurt and disappointment for her roomie.

It didn’t help that my daughter heard after bid day that her roomie was released because of a COMPUTER ERROR.

I feel like the most important thing any new member can do is actively seek opportunities to get to know her sisters, so I advised my dd to give her roomie an encouraging nudge (or push) to get involved with her chapter. I couldn’t think of anything that could be done about the hurt feelings other than the passage of time – so I advised daughter not to feel guilty about her own excitement, activities, and paraphernalia while being sensitive to the rawness of her roommate’s feelings.

A lot of this they probably would have done anyway, but daughter asked her roomie to take her as a guest to some meals at roomie’s chapter house so she could meet her roomie’s new sisters. She invited her roomie to go places with her own new sisters as well – many (of both chapters) lived in their dorm. She encouraged her to stop by her (roomie’s) chapter house between classes instead of always returning to the dorm room. As DBB suggested, they went on outings that were sorority-neutral, which included girls from a number of chapters. She also convinced roomie to sign up with her for a committee that included freshman from probably every chapter as well as freshman who were not Greek.

I hope it helped somewhat, though one way or another, her roommate eventually found her niche in her chapter – even amid some back-home bf drama and probably a few too many trips home. It all worked out – she was happy in her sisterhood (and probably stronger and wiser too).

It’s easy from our adult perspective to say “bloom where you are planted,” since we know there will be plenty of life situations where happiness is something we decide to choose in whatever circumstance we find ourselves, rather than a state controlled by the circumstance. An 18-year-old college freshman is still learning and may need a little time for feelings of rejection and disappointment to fade before realizing their power to shape their circumstance.

[BlueCarnation]

We had a similar situation on my hall freshman year. Quite a few girls, including my best friend who lived 10 feet across from me, either didn't get bids or got bids to houses that weren't their favorites. They were devastated and those of us who did get bids often felt bad showing how excited we were about our sororities. Eventually, they got over it. One hallmate went on to be the president of her sorority--she had been very close to dropping because it wasn't her first choice--and is a very active alumna. It worked out very well for her.

I'm concerned about the roommate and the whole "ranking" thing. She needs to get over that. The roommate should get involved with her sorority and meet her sisters and focus on that. If she's only concerned about supposed rankings, then she's got the wrong attitude.

Your daughter should not let this roommate ruin her excitement about her own sorority experience. If the roommate chooses to be miserable and sad, well, then, unfortunately she's missing out on a lot of great opportunities and time with friends she won't get back. Hopefully your daughter won't get sucked in.

[Bamamom16]

Please keep in mind that freshman year is very trying for everyone. You have gotten some great advice here, but honestly, it is to be expected there will be some let down in life. Your daughter's roommate got her during rush. Many times, in today's world, it is their first taste of disappointment. She will need to learn to cope and be stronger. Getting involved and getting to know her sisters will be a huge part of that. Your daughter needs to do the same, so she should not miss out to spare her roommate's feelings.

[KSUViolet06]

Situations like these can feel like Eggshell City.

Nothing your kid does (or doesn't do) is going to make her feel better. Whether she talks about it, or never says a word about it in her presence, roommate is still going to be upset.

I would not go out of my way to rub it in her face or gloat.

However, I also don't recommend censoring your every conversation and leaving out something fun that happened in a conversation because you think your roommate will have a meltdown.

Ex: If asked what I'm doing this weekend, I would not leave out "Well we get initiated this weekend and we have a sleepover!" because I was asked what I was doing and I am telling you what's going on.

I didn't say "OMG WE GET INITIATED THIS WEEKEND AND YOU WON'T BE THERE!!!!!" If someone is going to get upset about simple conversation, nothing you can do is going to change it.

See also: I am not sure about going out of your way to do a non-Greek thing (that you would not otherwise do) just to make someone happy.