Depledging and rerushing: advice

taylor1234 · #1 06-30-2013, 12:43 AM

I went through formal recruitment in Fall 2012 at a school that isn't a very competitive school. Most girls that go through get bids, and many go through as sophomores or even juniors.

The only houses I was cut from during recruitment were the ones that I really didn't click with anyway. I was very focused on one house throughout recruitment but once I got to pref night I felt slightly more connected with the other house I saw that night. When it was time for me to make my choice I was really confused and talked to a rho gam who I happened to be friends with. I didn't know it at the time but she was in one of the houses I prefed and sort of helped me decide on that house over the one I had really loved throughout the rest of recruitment.

I got a bid from the house and was really excited until I started to get to know the girls more. I hadn't talked to as many of them in recruitment so I barely knew anyone when I got in the house and I just really wasn't able to put in the time it deserved so I had trouble clicking with the girls when I couldn't be there as much. It didn't help that at the time I was having a lot of problems with choosing a major, I was working for the first time, and I started to have a lot of health issues. I was really afraid that I either made the wrong choice in sorority or going greek. In short I really feel like I tried to go greek too soon so I depledged a little bit before I was to be initiated.

Now that I am more settled in my school I really do want the opportunity to put the time and effort into greek life that I just couldn't give my freshman year. I really want to go through fall recruitment again and I have been encouraged by friends of mine in greek life. I don't know how I should broach this topic during recruitment because I still see some of the girls that talked to me during recruitment so I know a few will remember me. I don't want to sound like I dropped my house because I wanted a "top house" because that wasn't the reason. I was just overwhelmed with the whole being a freshman thing, but I don't know how to put that in a positive way.

Thanks for any help in advance, and I'm sorry my post was so long.

DubaiSis · #2 06-30-2013, 03:37 AM

It happens. They've dealt with it before. But I wouldn't expect ANY chapters to be knocking each other over to get at you. You may still have a successful rush, but you may be seen as used goods AND as someone who can't hold to a commitment.

What you were really suffering from is Unicorns Pooping Rainbows syndrome. Everything was supposed to be awesome and every one of your new sisters was supposed to be your new best friend (you didn't meet any fewer girls at your house than you did at the others) and they were supposed to break into song every time you approached them. Also, freshman year was supposed to be awesome and fun and EASY. Well guess what? It wasn't. College is hard for a multitude of reasons, including all of the reasons you gave and more.

So how is this year going to be different? If you are able to successfully complete rush, what will be different this time? This is not only important for you to think about before you go through rush again, but I'd be prepared with some answers on this subject. Also, are you opposed to re-pledging your old chapter? How do you intend to deal with them? I would address that head on.

And to be clear, one of the biggest problems with the rush process, IMO, is that for a week you feel like you are the center of the universe, and after pledging, you are just another sister going about your life. You expected too much of them. Sorority membership is like an arranged marriage. You can make it work, you may even be a great match for each other, but you have to grow the love after the fact. And he's not going to bring you flowers every day just because you're married.

taylor1234 · #3 06-30-2013, 05:17 AM

I did meet way fewer girls at the house I ended up in than the others. They did barely any bumping compared to the other houses so I ended up there on bid day only "knowing" maybe 3 people in the chapter. In the other chapter I preffed I knew more, but I took the risk with the house.

I did not expect everyone in the chapter to talk to me and I did not expect everything to be wonderful. But I did feel like the other girls in my pledge class "fit" with the sorority way more than myself.

I also had no clue that most people did not love their sororities the first semester because absolutely no one in my family has been in greek life and even though I tried to talk about it with my big about it and I was pretty much shut down. My spring semester some of my friends that joined at other schools mentioned it.

I don't need chapters falling all over themselves to recruit me if I go through next fall. I do feel like if I went through again I would be able to make more intelligent decisions on how I ranked rather than more emotional decisions like I did last time. I put too much emphasis on things that I shouldn't have.

As for repledging my old chapter, it's an idea that has crossed my mind. That's what my former big really wants me to do, but I feel like there's a large chance that they would cut me right away even though I didn't burn any bridges. If I was asked back I would go and give it a thorough second look though.

As for how I would mention this in recruitment is why I posted this. I don't know what the PC way of talking about it is.

KDCat · #4 06-30-2013, 07:05 AM

You should go into the process hoping for the best and expecting the worst. It is entirely likely that every single chapter will cut you. In their eyes you have demonstrated that you are not certain that being in a GLO is for you. They aren't wrong. You still sound very uncertain. They have no way to know that another group will make you happier and that you will stick with it on the second round.

If you need to say something about it, you should focus on being overwhelmed by all of your commitments as a freshman and how you have a much better handle on everything now. The emphasis should be on YOU -- what was wrong with YOU last year and how YOU have changed for the better. You can't badmouth your former chapter during rush.

You need to decide before rush whether you want a bid from your former chapter or not. If you want to go back to that chapter, you need to tell them straight up that they are your first choice. Your big needs to know whether she should be pulling for you or not. If you don't want them, then tell them so they can cut you early and you focus on the chapters that you do want. You owe it to them to be very clear about your intentions. Don't play them by keeping them in your back pocket while you look for a group that you like better. You should assume that you aren't going to get a better match with any other group.

AGD1978 · #5 06-30-2013, 10:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DubaiSis

...And to be clear, one of the biggest problems with the rush process, IMO, is that for a week you feel like you are the center of the universe, and after pledging, you are just another sister going about your life. You expected too much of them. Sorority membership is like an arranged marriage. You can make it work, you may even be a great match for each other, but you have to grow the love after the fact. And he's not going to bring you flowers every day just because you're married.

DubaiSis, I think you've just explained life.

DGTess · #6 06-30-2013, 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by taylor1234

As for repledging my old chapter, it's an idea that has crossed my mind. That's what my former big really wants me to do, but I feel like there's a large chance that they would cut me right away even though I didn't burn any bridges. If I was asked back I would go and give it a thorough second look though.

I obviously don't know what the timing might be, but isn't it possible to re-pledge the chapter you initially pledged prior to rush? Your bid was good for one school year; I thought (if the chapter is amenable) you could re-pledge that chapter without going through again. If it's what you want, you should investigate that avenue.

taylor1234 · #7 06-30-2013, 01:10 PM

That's what I thought too, because I initially asked my chapter if I could just do initiation in the spring when I was more settled in and the person I talked to said I couldn't do that. I thought that was weird because another girl in my pledge class pledged in the spring, but she dropped a class so she couldn't pledge in fall at all. The person I talked to was the new member chair not the president but she made it seem like it was impossible.

KDCat · #8 06-30-2013, 03:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by taylor1234

That's what I thought too, because I initially asked my chapter if I could just do initiation in the spring when I was more settled in and the person I talked to said I couldn't do that. I thought that was weird because another girl in my pledge class pledged in the spring, but she dropped a class so she couldn't pledge in fall at all. The person I talked to was the new member chair not the president but she made it seem like it was impossible.

That's not what she meant. She was asking if you could join the next pledge class without going through recruitment again. You would go through the NM period again.

You asked if you could stay a pledge and delay initiation past your NM period. The answer was "No." I believe that some groups have pretty strict rules on how long someone can stay a NM. Ie. you can't stay a NM past 8 weeks or whatever, if you are qualified for initiation. It's a RM issue.

taylor1234 · #9 06-30-2013, 03:26 PM

Ohh okay. I'm not sure if I could join the next pledge class without recruitment. I will probably ask someone. On the other hand though, I'd rather them take me back because they want me to be there, not because they have too. I'm pretty sure there aren't any/many hard feelings left, but with a group that's pretty big who knows.

DubaiSis · #10 06-30-2013, 04:03 PM

It most definitely wouldn't be HAVE to. They don't have to do anything on your behalf. But they MIGHT be able to give you a spot without having to go through the motions of rush. But you definitely don't want to even ask for this unless you are 100% committed to this chapter.

That "not fitting in like the other girls" thing is mostly fiction. I heard an interview with Paul McCartney once where he was saying he was going to quit the Beatles because the other 3 got along so much better with each other than with him. When asked, all 4 of them felt the same way about themselves. Other people's friendships always seem so much more REAL than our own.

Here's a suggestion. It sounds like you are still friendly with your Big. Have a big talk with her about all of this. If she shuts you down again, tell her she's shutting you down. A lot of people will just deflect an uncomfortable conversation, but if she really wants you back, you have to work out some of these issues. It's hard to tell what part of this was you being overwhelmed by freshman life with inflated expectations of sorority life and how much of it was them actually not holding up their part of the bargain. But if you can't talk to anybody there, then that is a problem.

And for collegiate chapters out there, there's a sweet spot of not bumping so much that nobody has a decent conversation, and bumping so seldom that you pledge a girl who suddenly realizes she doesn't know anyone in the chapter and vice versa.

Titchou · #11 06-30-2013, 04:03 PM

What we are trying to say is that your tie to a group which you pledge is from formal recruitment until formal recruitment. So, if they have space, want to and it's within their group's rules, they can take you back and repledge you. If you know who the chapter adviser is at this point, I would suggest you contact her and explain your situation and take whatever advice she has to offer.

taylor1234 · #12 06-30-2013, 05:25 PM

I didn't know how common that feeling was until I was out and other girls were talking about feeling the same way about "not fitting in." I also do plan to do a lot of heavy thinking on whether it was just me being an overwhelmed freshman that jumped the gun for greek life or if it was something within the chapter that made me uncomfortable. Lately I've been starting to feel like it was more of a case of really bad timing for me rather than the chapter itself.

I am actually seeing the girl that was my Big in the next few days. We've talked about me trying to come back before and it is something she supports. But I'll probably be more serious about it this time about who I should talk to and such.

33girl · #13 06-30-2013, 05:55 PM

Honestly, it sounds like your life was just a mess at the time and ANY sorority would have been the same experience. If you've kept in touch with your big, that is a good sign for this group. There was SOMETHING about this chapter that made you pick them rather than the one that seemed "perfect on paper" during rush.

DeltaBetaBaby · #14 06-30-2013, 07:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DubaiSis

That "not fitting in like the other girls" thing is mostly fiction. I heard an interview with Paul McCartney once where he was saying he was going to quit the Beatles because the other 3 got along so much better with each other than with him. When asked, all 4 of them felt the same way about themselves. Other people's friendships always seem so much more REAL than our own.

This is an awesome anecdote. I saw something recently about how Facebook amplifies this effect, too.