Informing Alums their legacy was released

[PeppyGPhiB]

Gamma Phi Beta's policy is to leave the informing up to the PNMs, to protect their privacy. It is their recruitment, not the relation's.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by AOpilicious

I'm afraid that Legacy/Phone Calls is not something that is touchy everywhere, it doesn't matter the chapter. One of my BFs is a Kappa and she's shared stories of phone calls about their legacies. (anonymous of course!)

Yes, there are sometimes chapters who have collegians call who still need some maturity when it comes to handling delicate news and phone calls.

But I think the biggest problem is setting expectations with the alum who think that either a) the adviser calling was personally responsible in voting or b) place WAY too much pressure on their legacy.

I was a rush/recruitment adviser for several years at a JWH chapter and thankfully only on two occasions did a phone call take a turn for the worse. and I consider myself tactful and professional.

On both occasions the mom/alumna just could not wait for their legacies to rush and they contacted us in the months leading up to it, etc. etc..

I couldn't get these particular alumnae to understand that it wasn't MY choice, it's just how the cards fell. I wasn't a horrible person that schemed to release their daughters and be unceremonious or undignified about it. All of you should know how little say alumnae have in how collegians vote. You're just there to manage the process.

The first mother was absolutely insisting to know why. I should have said that it was just how the processed worked and let it be.

The daughter was miserable at our functions and actually told the girls she didn't want to be there, and so I made the mistake of saying "She says she is more comfortable with some of the other sororities. She will probably be happier with another group of girls, it will work out for the best."

Terrible mistake. That created such a firestorm, I should not have said that. The mom called the poor daughter to dress her down for having told the girls how she felt. Then GA's are getting phone calls. We're trying to get our lists in to the office on time. It was such a disruption that consumed more time than it should have.

This mom continued to call me personally, months later to continue to rant and say that the sorority her daughter pledged is far superior and wonderful and that she's glad she didn't pledge us, etc. etc. and for YEARS she would talk about me badly to anybody who would listen.

And the second occasion was a recent alumna and was so upset about her legacy being released and I just dreaded making that phone call because I knew it was going to end up being trouble no matter what I said.

Sure enough recent alumna blew her top and even went so far as to threaten to "go find me" which thankfully did not happen.

At the end of the day, I think that this tradition of calling shows that we care about our sisters and their feelings enough to reach out to them.

Sister stalkers are never fun.

[gee_ess]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

Gamma Phi Beta's policy is to leave the informing up to the PNMs, to protect their privacy. It is their recruitment, not the relation's.

You know, that is a really good way to look at it. The courtesy that is extended to the alum is that of considering her daughter as a unique pnm due to her background with XYZ group, nothing more.

[CougarGrad]

The chapter where I advise has a procedure put in place when legacies get released. We've had our share of angry phone calls to the house that have been answered by poor random sisters who've gotten really griped at. The easiest part of the procedure is that only particular people are allowed to answer the house phone during and right after formal recruitment.

[OPhiAGinger]

AOPilicious, I think you must be a very strong sister to have volunteered to deliver those painful phone calls. I'm sorry two of them took such a horrible and unexpected turn.

Although it's easier not to call the alumna sister at all and cite privacy concerns of the PNM, the reality is that the alumna is your sister and the PNM is not. You have a stronger obligation to your sister than to the PNM.

I have two little girls, whose college experiences are many years in the future. When I read the recruitment threads on GC, I sometimes fast-forward to when my daughter might be that tearful PNM who was cut from her favorite house. I can't change the outcome and I can't take her pain away, but if I have a little advance warning I can be prepared to help her cope like only a mother can.

Occasionally, you may encounter a psycho mom like the two AOPilicious had to deal with. But overall, your sister will appreciate you helping her help her daughter through a painful experience.

[BraveMaroon]

In my chapter, legacies got an auto pass to Round 2. If we released a legacy, we had to do it after 2nd round. If she made it through our doors for 3rd round, she had a bid. Period.

If we released a legacy, one of our Alumni Advisors would call the mom, etc. In my four years, we released only one legacy...

Sad story. We once had a legacy whose grandmother was a sister. She wrote a three page letter, sent a half dozen photos. This was the youngest granddaughter and the only one who had ever gone to a school with our house on campus.

So, we had this girl on lockdown, and when she came in the door, one of the sweetest South Georgia girls started telling her that we'd heard so much about her from her grandmother. And the girl said, "My grandmother is crazy, and I have no intention of pledging this house".

That was the only time we ever released a legacy before second round, and as it turns out, she cut us too.

Go fig.

[bostongreek]

poor grandma!

[AlphaFrog]

I wonder if, while more impersonal than a phone call, an well-written (form) email might be the way to go on this nowadays. Something along the lines of:



Dear Sister,

This message is to inform you that we are releasing Patty PNM from our next round of Formal Recruitment Parties. Please know that we did not come to this decision lightly, and that details of this decision cannot be discussed. We are informing you out of respect to you as our sister. We wish you and Patty PNM luck in the future, and hope you will continue to support Alpha Beta Gamma.

You may contact us at 555-555-5555, but once again, details regarding why your legacy was released cannot be discussed.

Respectfully,
Sarah Sister
Formal Recruitment Chair (Advisor, VP, whatever)



Like I said, it's not as personal as a phone call, but I think it would be a solution that is respectful on all ends. If the mom/sister/grandmom ends up crying/raging, she can do so in private, without saying something she doesn't mean, and active sisters/advisors are spared from that (and accidentally revealing TMI). The letter might also state when Patty PNM will be receiving her invite list, so the relative can make the decision whether to call the legacy before or after getting the list.

[nittanygirl]

awww. i feel like that would break her poor grandmother's heart!

[Zillini]

I have to say I appreciate the fact that my GLO no longer requires us to make those unpleasant phone calls.

As a mom, I can understand another mom's desire to get a heads up that her daughter has been released. But the typical response is always "Why?" No mom I've ever encountered accepts that membership selection is confidential and we can't tell you. That's when things almost always get ugly. So my best advice is to prepare your daughter (or granddaughter, or sister) for this potential possibility before Recruitment even starts.

From a logistical point, it would be nearly impossible at many chapters to even consider making those calls during Recruitment. It's not uncommon in the South for chapters that have 75, 100, or more legacies go through Recruitment. Membership selection meetings can run until the wee hours of the morning. Then invitation lists must be turned into Panhellenic by say 5am. PNMs received their invitations at maybe around 9am and parties for the next round could start as early as 10am.

Advisors need sleep too. Hate to admit it, but we're not as young as these collegians. Having a few minutes to say "Good Morning" to your family when you've barely seen them all week is also a good thing. Time for a shower is nice too. I doubt those things would be possible if numerous phone calls needed to be made to moms -- and those calls are never short.

[aephi alum]

Originally Posted by BraveMaroon

Sad story. We once had a legacy whose grandmother was a sister. She wrote a three page letter, sent a half dozen photos. This was the youngest granddaughter and the only one who had ever gone to a school with our house on campus.

So, we had this girl on lockdown, and when she came in the door, one of the sweetest South Georgia girls started telling her that we'd heard so much about her from her grandmother. And the girl said, "My grandmother is crazy, and I have no intention of pledging this house".

That was the only time we ever released a legacy before second round, and as it turns out, she cut us too.

Go fig.

Poor grandma. And what a rude thing for the PNM to say! If she didn't want to pledge her legacy sorority, she could at least have sucked it up for one party and then cut your chapter.

[Titchou]

I've had to make those calls before and it's not fun. But what's even less fun is having the younger sis going thru recriuitment at one school and having her sister at a different school in the chapter you are advising and no one calling the older sis when she requested that she be called (place on rec for this). Ouch! And right in the middle of me trying to get the chapter for an already contentious recruitment! I think you owe your sister the courtesy of a phone call...esp if she's asked for it.

[KSUViolet06]

Really good thread to read about legacies and moms: How moms should treat their legacy daughters.

There is a lot of discussion about parents, making "that phone call" and how you should (and shouldn't) handle it.

My best piece of advice for any mom/sister/grandma who finds themselves on the receiving end of such a call is to remember that the person on the other end of line is your SISTER.

This means that when you get the news, do not rip that poor girl a new one.

The active/advisor/whoever is just the messenger.

[Sciencewoman]

Gamma Phi Beta's official rec. form specifically states that the sorority relative/recommending member will not be notified if a legacy is released, in order to protect the privacy of the PNM.

[SthrnZeta]

I spoke with a sister in my alumnae chapter last night about this. She had sent in a rec for her niece who had been released and she wasn't notified and felt she should have been. Just food for thought.

As a recruitment advisor, I wouldn't want to make that call but having been a rho gamma as an undergrad, I'd be prepared to do so if need be.