Advice Needed

[Mizzou14]

I am a freshman. I grew up around sorority life in an SEC college town and I absolutely knew that greek life was for me. I had this fantasy that I would find my home and have this amazing experience that everyone around me was having.

I went through recruitment with great success. I go to a school where I knew virtually no one. On the first day, I was cut by a few houses, but nothing too upsetting. I went through the next 2 cut days without being cut from any of my favorites. I was so excited, as I had prepared for big disappointment and many of the girls on my floor were not having as positive as an experience. On preference day, I discovered that I had been cut by one of my top three. I was upset, but still positive because I had my two favorites left. I went to my two favorites first, and was struggling to choose my first choice. By the time I went to the third house, a house that I generally liked but didn't compare to my favorites, I just wanted to breeze through the round so I could go preference. The night before bid day, as all the girls around me were rattled with nerves, I was excited and calm. I knew that even if I didn't get my first choice, I would SURELY get my second choice, and all would be right in the world. Everyone told me how lucky I was to be in that situation.

On bid day I was overcome by excitement. I searched the crowd for my top two chapters. I had them mapped out so whenever I opened my card, I knew exactly where to go. The countdown began and I opened my card.

It took a full 15 seconds to fully comprehend what was written on my bid day card. I had received my 3rd choice. I was in completely and utter shock, as I had not even begun to think of getting by my 3rd choice. I had done an awful job of preparing myself for this.

In that moment, I sucked it up and ran to my chapter. I hugged others and braved a happy face, but inside I was upset, confused, and angry. I understand one house not wanting me, but both? It seemed as though I was the only one not having the time of my life on bid day. I just kept telling myself that THESE were the girls who wanted me. But I couldn't help still feeling so bitter.

Time went by and the days of recruitment were over. I got involved in my chapter, tried to make friends, and embraced greek life. I did everything I was supposed to to soak up the experience.

Initiation came 6 weeks after recruitment. It came so fast that I felt like I hadn't gotten a chance to really evaluate my chapter. I was still deciding if I liked it or not. I went ahead and was initiated.

As December rolls around, and months have passed since recruitment and initiation, I still just have this feeling in my stomach when I see the letters of my top two chapters. I have made some friends here, and it just so happens that majority of the girls I genuinely click with are in my #2 preferenced chapter. NOT my own chapter.

I am filled with regret, because I feel as though I should have put #2 as #1. It's possible that I could've gotten into #2 if I had ranked them first. I honestly think about it every day and am just filled with bitterness for the system. My chapter does not feel like home to me. I don't feel as though I mesh well with the dynamics of it, and I do not enjoy it. I know that lookin into the past does no good, but it is hard to control my thoughts.

I have decided to transfer back closer to home because I feel so alone. The chapter I am in does not have a chapter where I'm transferring. I guess this means I will be a GDI for the rest of my college career, something I never thought would happen.

I guess the point of this post is just for advice. Is there anyone else who has been in a similar situation? I feel like the only person who hasn't found success in greek life. I honestly wish so badly that I could go back in time but who knows if I would still be in the same situation. I just can't help but feel bitter about greek life in general, now that I am in a chapter that I do not like. I wish things had worked out for me, but I know everything happens for a reason.

[pinksequins]

Logistics first so that they do not get lost in the various matters you raised. Listing #2 first would NOT change the outcome. From your description of events, you were on their lists (barring a rare exception), but not high enough on either list before their quotas were matched. Others will weigh in on the other topics, but it important to clear the decks first on your ranking misconception.

[IndianaSigKap]

Originally Posted by Mizzou14

I am filled with regret, because I feel as though I should have put #2 as #1. It's possible that I could've gotten into #2 if I had ranked them first. I honestly think about it every day and am just filled with bitterness for the system. My chapter does not feel like home to me. I don't feel as though I mesh well with the dynamics of it, and I do not enjoy it. I know that lookin into the past does no good, but it is hard to control my thoughts.

No, you were not on #2's first list. They filled to quota before your name came up. It would not have mattered where you ranked them, they did not rank you high enough. I hope I do not sound harsh, but the only chapter that had you ranked highly was your #3. I am truly sorry that Greek life did not turn out how as you had hoped. Maybe after some time you will be able to get involved as an alumna and develop an appreciation for your chapter. You spend more time as an alumna, than as an active.

[Sciencewoman]

I wouldn't be too hasty in your decision. This is a time in your life when many changes are occurring...entering adulthood, living away from home, trying to decide a major, etc. Joining a sorority is just one of the many life events that is happening at the same time. Life would probably not be magically better if you had joined a different sorority, or if you transfer to a different college. I would strongly suggest you contact the campus counseling center. Trust me, many college students wonder and worry about the "what ifs?" because there are so many options at this stage in your life, and it's hard to know what to do or what to choose. Transitioning to college usually isn't the magical experience you thought it would be. It's hard, you're away from family, and everyone is busy and dealing with their own life challenges. Adjusting to being away from home is difficult. Talk to your family, and visit your counseling center. You're not alone.

[pbear19]

I'm assuming you go to Mizzou, based on your username. If not, feel free to disregard much of what I'm about to say.

First, recruitment is a very tumultuous process. I applaud you for doing what you did!!! (Listing #3 on your MRABA, giving them a chance, etc. Lots of girls drop altogether and never get to experience all that greek life has.)

Second, first semester is very chaotic and it can be hard to really bond. Most of the women I've spoken with have said that they didn't really bond with the chapter and feel very at home with everyone until sophomore year. I promise you that you are not alone in feeling the way you do right now!!

Third, the beauty of such a large greek system is that you can and should have friends in many other houses. It makes the entire system healthier when women are friends across houses and not just with women in their own house. There are a ton of great PHA opportunities to get involved with too, especially with such a dynamic Circle of Sisterhood program and other greek programming. Some women find that they get more fulfillment out of working with PHA than with their own chapters, and that is totally normal.

Fourth, the chapters are SO big it is easy to feel a little lost and not connect with sisters for a while. It takes time. I know that isn't easy to hear, but sometimes patience and perserverance is the best solution.

If you do end up transferring, I wish you the best and hope that you will consider joining an alumnae chapter some day. But, if you stay, just know that there are three and a half years left of experiences completely different from your first semester. With the stress of Homecoming and new member period, first semester is really, really unique.

Best of luck to you! Feel free to message me if you want to chat.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by pbear19

Second, first semester is very chaotic and it can be hard to really bond. Most of the women I've spoken with have said that they didn't really bond with the chapter and feel very at home with everyone until sophomore year.

Another thing to keep in mind - and part of what makes pbear19's quote here true - is that soon the seniors will be graduating. Next fall, there will be a new pledge class and new sisters to get to know. About a quarter of your chapter will be made up of different members. The new girls will be looking for someone to bond with; you could be that person.

Maybe you'll take a little sister. Maybe you'll take on a leadership position within the chapter.

So much can change in a year.

[thetalady]

Originally Posted by Mizzou14

I have decided to transfer back closer to home because I feel so alone. The chapter I am in does not have a chapter where I'm transferring. I guess this means I will be a GDI for the rest of my college career, something I never thought would happen.

I would also like to correct this.... you will never be a "GDI". You are an initiated sorority member, whether or not you are an ACTIVE member. I hope that one day, you can be proud of your membership. They wanted you, they offered you sisterhood and wanted you to be part of their chapter. How much effort have you put into the relationship with your sisters?

And I SO hate that term, I hate even using it in reply.

Please tell us that you are not transferring to another university just because you are homesick.... sweetie, it is time to grow up! Put on your big girl panties and make your happiness where you are. Running back home is not the answer.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by thetalady

I would also like to correct this.... you will never be a "GDI". You are an initiated sorority member, whether or not you are an ACTIVE member. I hope that one day, you can be proud of your membership. They wanted you, they offered you sisterhood and wanted you to be part of their chapter. How much effort have you put into the relationship with your sisters?

And I SO hate that term, I hate even using it in reply.

Please tell us that you are not transferring to another university just because you are homesick.... sweetie, it is time to grow up! Put on your big girl panties and make your happiness where you are. Running back home is not the answer.

All of this.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

I assure you that being in one of those other two chapters is not that different from being in your own chapter. Every chapter has great times and drama and so on. From the outside, you are only seeing all the good stuff, but that's not reality, especially if you are getting a lot of information from social media. You're comparing your entire life to someone else's highlight reel.

[KDCat]

I was really homesick my first semester of college. It got better.

Here's my advice: Give it a whole year at Mizzou, before you decide to transfer out. Stay in your sorority. Keep taking classes. When you get to the end of spring semester, you'll know more about Mizzou and your sorority and whether you want to stay there. It takes a little bit to get settled and some us (ME!) adjust more slowly than others.

[maconmagnolia]

Originally Posted by KDCat

I was really homesick my first semester of college. It got better.

Here's my advice: Give it a whole year at Mizzou, before you decide to transfer out. Stay in your sorority. Keep taking classes. When you get to the end of spring semester, you'll know more about Mizzou and your sorority and whether you want to stay there. It takes a little bit to get settled and some us (ME!) adjust more slowly than others.

I agree. I remember feeling similar to you the first semester of my freshman year. It seemed like everyone in my chapter had close friends except for me. I didn't make good, solid friends in my chapter until second semester of my freshman year and first semester of my sophomore year. Those girls have stuck with me ever since and we are still the best of friends! In a large chapter, it can take awhile to find your niche. Now, looking back, I am so glad that I stuck with it. I could not be happier with my sorority and my sisters.

I'm a current student at Mizzou, so please feel free to send me a private message if you would like more specific advice. I'd love to talk to you and help you in any way that I can.

[GratefulGramma]

Beloved Granddaughter begged her mother every week, for her first semester; please let me transfer closer to home (she is only two hours away), her mom would tell her she had to last one year, and then she and I would shed tears because we missed her worse than she missed us but we knew she needed to stay where she was. The second semester was better, but there were still episodes of "I want to come home and commute". NO.

She's a junior now, has made so very many friends, is active in her sorority, and can't imagine being anywhere else. She still gets homesick and thinks the breaks aren't quite long enough, but she loves her school and her sisters. Her sorority wasn't really her first choice either, but it is now.

Hang in there. That first semester is like being in a totally different world.

[33girl]

There's a big difference between being friends with someone and being their sister. The women in those chapters might have liked you fine as a person but that unexplainable something that makes you fit with the sorority wasn't there or wasn't in great enough amount. As for "clicking" with members of those groups, if they're recent initiates like yourself, they had no input on membership selection.

I don't want to say something dramatic like those two groups are dead to you, but you can't go through life wanting something you can't have, unless you enjoy being miserable.

Mizzou chapters and the school are huge. Unless it's because of academics or $, give the school and the sorority another semester.

[DubaiSis]

Unicorns pooping rainbows syndrome.

[LAblondeGPhi]

My 2 cents:

1) You've got to find a way to get past any 'regret' or sadness about what might have been. This is an important life skill for everyone to learn, and different people master it in different ways, at different stages in life.

1A) If it helps you at all, most posters have chimed in to help clarify what happened to you. I'll add in from my experience as a recruitment advisor, this is what happened: both Chapter #1 and Chapter #2 really liked you. They wouldn't have invited you to Preference if they didn't really like you. The fact that you are not a member of those chapters now tells us all ONLY ONE THING: that there were other PNMs who they liked just a little bit more, and who were ranked a little higher on their bid lists. Sometimes the margin between who gets a bid and who doesn't is RAZOR THIN in terms of their internal scoring procedures. How these rankings work, much like life, is not perfect. Maybe a different conversation with a different sorority member on a different day could have changed your scores on their end - and your impression of their chapter - just enough to change the outcome. But this is life: it's filled with these millions of tiny "if only" moments.

Know that the the bid matching system tried its best to put you in your first choice chapter, and then tried its best to put you in your second choice chapter before placing you in your third choice chapter. Because of your outcome, we know that Chapter #1 and #2 each reached quota - or a full pledge class - before your name was reached on their respective bid lists. The outcome would have been the exact same if you had reversed your rankings for Chapters #1 and #2. This doesn't necessarily mean that you were really low on their lists and higher on Chapter #3's list: every chapter typically has a different length list and can fill their pledge class at almost any point on their list depending on how they're doing that year.

2) I would recommend that you take a little time to ask yourself what YOU can do to make your life happier at your school WITHOUT transferring or dropping your sorority yet. You're in a mopey, victim-y mind frame, and that's a terrible place to make permanent decisions.

If it's real friendship and connection with others that you feel you are missing out on, then spend more time nurturing your relationships with other people - hallmates, existing friends, classmates, whatever. Again, sometimes when you're in a crappy head space, you tend to be negative about the things that ARE in your life, and you might be downplaying how much you really like the people who are around you. I would encourage you to be a good friend and positive person despite that, and seek opportunities to spend time with others.

Don't underestimate exercise and good diet in contributing to positive mental health. Get involved in activities that you find worthwhile and fulfilling - clubs, a part-time job, studying, etc.

3) Take this opportunity to better understand what makes you tick. It's possible that there are valid reasons why your school is a bad fit for you, but you need to start taking an honest accounting of what it is you need in your life, and how you deal with certain situations. Is the school too big? Are there too many options? Are you feeling overwhelmed and having a hard time adjusting? Are you better in environments where you get to interact with lots of different/new people on a regular basis, or are you better in environments where you know most of the people around you? Are you significantly better in one of those scenarios, or pretty OK in either of them?

There are a lot of things that you're just learning about yourself right now, and it's not always a fun process. In fact, some people would argue that any act of growing and bettering yourself will have a component of discomfort involved.

Do your best to get out of your funk. Give yourself more time with your school and your sorority. Find activities that bring you satisfaction and fulfillment. Reassess your situation when you're in a better mindset.