sILMil20 rush story

[KDMater]

silmikek20: your story is identical to my daughter's, who went through rush last spring. (they have 2nd semester rush). She started with 7 sororities, after first round she was cut by 3. Of the 4 left, she liked 2 and was so-so about 2. After attending the 2nd round of parties, she felt really good about 2, pretty good about 1 and did not feel comfortable at all with 1. She was cut from 3 of the 4 and only left with the one she did not like.

After many, many tears, she decided not to attend the 1 pref party because she never felt like she connected with those girls and couldn't see herself in that sorority. (There are only 3 rounds at her school, the 3rd round being pref). She didn't sign a bid card but that sorority offered her a bid anyway, which she declined.

It was a really tough situation, very similar to yours (and many others experience as well, I guess). In the end, she made her own - agonized - decision. She didn't want to join a sorority for the sake of just joining anyone and she never felt the connection with that 1 that gave her a bid. She never regretted her decision but I will warn you that the rest of the semester was a little tough as all her close friends did the fun, crazy sorority thing as she watched from the outside. It took till the end of the semester for her to re-connect with her friends. And I will also say that she has a much clearer idea now of the "personality" of each sorority as she's done stuff with her friends and their groups. It validated her original gut reaction that the 1 sorority was the wrong one for her. She also plans on re-rushing (with probably a clearer head this time).

I have a question about my daughter's situation: she didn't go to a pref party, she didn't sign a bid card but a sorority offered her one anyway which she declined. Does this mean she can't COB this fall? I'm a little confused based on some of the posts. Can anyone tell me?

[jwright25]

I hate that it worked out this way for you. You do have some options - some are more final and binding, so you need to feel confident about your choice. Also keep in mind that I HAVE NO IDEA about the sororities on your campus beyond what you have posted. Therefore it is hard for me or anyone else to give you good solid advice on what you should do. Only you know yourself and these chapters. Regardless of what you choose, I think you should attend Doug's preference before making a final decision. Your options that I am aware of:

1 - Attend Doug's preference. Based on what they've told you, they like you and there's a good chance they will offer you a bid. Still no guarantee though. Perhaps after attending you will find the connection you've been missing. If so, rank them and see if you get the bid. If you do rank them, you are saying you will accept the bid and won't decline it.

2 - Attend Doug's preference. Then if you still aren't feeling it and are comfortable with not receiving a bid at all, you can do one of two things: A - on your ranking card, list only chapters you would accept a bid from, and don't list Doug. B - Withdraw, but tell your recruitment counselor or greek advisor that you are doing so. With option A, there is a VERY VERY SLIGHT chance that you receive a bid from one of these chapters, but it is miniscule. If you aren't on their preference list, you probably aren't on their bid list. But as others have mentioned, it is still possible. Most likely, you will wind up as a mis-match and could possibly be offered a snap bid from a chapter you didn't list if they don't match to quota. Snap bids are not binding as long as you don't list them on your Memebership Acceptance Agreement.

3 - Withdraw before preference. I wouldn't recommend this, as it can't hurt you to go. Just attending doesn't bind you to anyone, and as long as you don't go in saying you are dying to be a Doug then cut them, you aren't hurting anyone in the Doug chapter.

Basically, we can't tell you how to rank or how to feel or what you should be feeling right now. We can only hope that your recruitment counselors advise you properly on binding agreements. You might think, ok, I'll give Doug a try. And that is admirable. It just depends on how important being Greek is to you. If that is the ultimate goal, go for it. If the ultimate goal is to be a PepperAnn, you should consider other options. Just make sure you know FOR SURE that if you list a chapter on your MAA and get matched to it, you have a chance of receiving a bid and you are saying you will take it and will not COR for a year.

You can never count on COR. Some chapters do it, some don't. For the first time ever, all four chapters on my campus did it, just because we raised total high enough so that we could. But that might not happen on your campus, and you should NOT count on being able to do it. Even if all the chapters DO COR, you still have to go through a process and might not get the bid.

I wish you the best in your decision. You have to do what's right for YOU. That might be withdrawing, that might be trying out Doug - no one knows but you.

[jwright25]

Originally posted by KDMater
I have a question about my daughter's situation: she didn't go to a pref party, she didn't sign a bid card but a sorority offered her one anyway which she declined. Does this mean she can't COB this fall? I'm a little confused based on some of the posts. Can anyone tell me?

As long as she did NOT sign a bid card, she is eligible for COB by anyone!

[Lindz928]

Originally posted by jwright25
As long as she did NOT sign a bid card, she is eligible for COB by anyone!

'

I agree! It sounds to me like the chapter offered her a snap bid.

Also, VERY good comments on what silmilek20 could do. I do think that if you KNOW that you do not want to be a Doug, DO NOT put them on your pref card!!! Because from what you have said, it sounds like you can be pretty sure of getting a bid from them if you do.

[silmilek20]

I don't know. I am going to do a lot of soul searching. I did like some of the girls in that sorority. And that is the only bid my roommate got as well. When I think about it like that it wouldn't be so bad if we both got bids, because I do feel a connection with her, and she's real cool. I am just going to go to Pref to see all of the diff. types of girls who could get bids. But now I am going to go reflect. I am really in a sticky situation. I don't want to spend that much money if it's not right for me. ALso I am a sophmore, but this is my 3rd year. So next year I think would be too late. I tried to go talk to my rho gamma, but she's not in her room.

[AXO Alum]

Originally posted by silmilek20
I don't know. I am going to do a lot of soul searching. I did like some of the girls in that sorority. And that is the only bid my roommate got as well. When I think about it like that it wouldn't be so bad if we both got bids, because I do feel a connection with her, and she's real cool. I am just going to go to Pref to see all of the diff. types of girls who could get bids. But now I am going to go reflect. I am really in a sticky situation. I don't want to spend that much money if it's not right for me. ALso I am a sophmore, but this is my 3rd year. So next year I think would be too late. I tried to go talk to my rho gamma, but she's not in her room.

Okay - so chin up, girlie! You have already learned more in a few days than most people do for a whole term AFTER they joined a group. You have been very level headed about the rounds, and you seem to have a grasp about who you are & what you are looking for.

I will encourage you to GO to the pref - if you still don't "feel" it after, then DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT put them on your pref card. BUT - based on this post, you seem to already be connecting on some level to some girls. Just remember that no matter what group it is, not everyone is BFF with everyone else. There will always be the few that you really connect with, and these are your friends no matter what.

After you go to Pref, then ask your Greek Life Advisor (remember - a Rho Gamma may not fully understand the system) if you can list a sorority that released you. If so, and you still feel strongly for them, LIST THEM (you should be able to do this). It can't hurt - you never know where the chips will fall.

Good luck to you

[ilovemyglo]

I concur on the at least attend the pref ceremony...
One thing that stuck with me is how special pref is...

While sitting in that room do what many of us did-
Look around decide if you can see yourself being a part of that ceremony next year.
If you can really think about that... but if you can't you may want to withdraw from recruitment and try COB.

Best of luck to you.

[epchick]

SilMil20...I am also a 3rd year who is still considered a sophomore...don't let that be a hinderance.

Also, even though you dont want Doug (or you dont think you want Doug), go into it with an OPEN mind!

Your making your race a bigger issue than it is. They are not going to give you a bid only because your black, and they are not gonna deny you a bid because your black. Yes, it might make you more desirable, but the fact that Doug is inviting you back is because they FEEL a connection with you...not only because of your race.

Go to Pref, if you don't feel that Doug is the place you want to be, then don't do it. Don't pref just because your friend/roomate might. Remember this is a LIFELONG commitment, and if a year or 2 down the road, you don't feel this is your home, you can't go to another group.

Besides, who knows...you might go into pref thinking Doug is not the right one, and then after pref you think WOW, this IS the place i want to be. (its happened before).

Just keep an open mind...like everyone says, there is always COB if you dont find your home! Best of wishes to you!!

[ASUADPi]

Oh sweetie. My heart goes out to you. I concur with what everyone one else is saying. Go to the Preference party and if you still don't feel they are the right ones for you then don't put anything on your bid card (b/c then you will be eligible for COR/COB).

One thing to remember is that many girls realize that this is the house they should be in at the Pref party. The pref ceremonies are the "clincher" in getting a girl to pick you (and obviously them picking her). The ADPi pref ceremony for me sealed the deal.

Another thing to remember is that rush is so formal, many rules that have to be followed, much stricter guidelines, but COR/COB is much more informal, much more laid back.

Question for all, since I'm not sure, could she be snap bidded? I'm not sure if the school does snap bidding, but even though she was dropped could she be. Not knowing the circumstances of being dropped they might not have really wanted to drop her but needed to drop a certain amount.

It really is a catch 22. If you can be snapped bid that is a possibility (but you might have to fill out the bid card) but if you fill out the bid card and Doug offers you a bid and you don't take it than you can't COR.

Good luck sweetie. I don't know you but I wish I could give you a hug.

[silmilek20]

Well after a lot of thinking and talking with an impartial person who is in no way related to the greek community I have a better grasp of the situation. Now that I think about it I can't remember that much about that house except some of the undesirable aspects. Today I will go and look around at everyone and how they act. I just really didn't connect with the girl I talked to yesterday, and I had to talk to her the whole time, so it felt kind of like a chore. It was like they were trying to throw the minority at me. But I guess if I look past that, then it's not so bad. I just hate stereotypes and it kind of offended me the way they came to me "whats up" and all. I simple how are u doing would have been better. I have class so I like being talked to like i have class. Nothing really big. But they were the only sorority were I actually felt like a minority, because they kind of focused on that. But yeah I have reflected alot and feel a lot better about recruitment as of now. Who knows, maybe I could be happy as a Doug.

[ASUADPi]

Originally posted by silmilek20
Well after a lot of thinking and talking with an impartial person who is in no way related to the greek community I have a better grasp of the situation. Now that I think about it I can't remember that much about that house except some of the undesirable aspects. Today I will go and look around at everyone and how they act. I just really didn't connect with the girl I talked to yesterday, and I had to talk to her the whole time, so it felt kind of like a chore. It was like they were trying to throw the minority at me. But I guess if I look past that, then it's not so bad. I just hate stereotypes and it kind of offended me the way they came to me "whats up" and all. I simple how are u doing would have been better. I have class so I like being talked to like i have class. Nothing really big. But they were the only sorority were I actually felt like a minority, because they kind of focused on that. But yeah I have reflected alot and feel a lot better about recruitment as of now. Who knows, maybe I could be happy as a Doug.

Thats the spirit.

Remember, even if you realize that you do want to join Doug, you aren't going to like everyone or get along with everyone. Some people just don't mesh, but even if you don't mesh you will respect them because they are your sister. It doesn't mean you have to have them be your bridesmaid.

I can understand not feeling comfortable talking to one person the entire time. That seems like a bad tactic on their part (personal opinion there). They should have rotated for you to get to know some more girls and for them to get to know you. But I don't know their situation.

Have fun at Doug tonight!!!!!

[amanda6035]

Originally posted by silmilek20
Well after a lot of thinking and talking with an impartial person who is in no way related to the greek community I have a better grasp of the situation. Now that I think about it I can't remember that much about that house except some of the undesirable aspects. Today I will go and look around at everyone and how they act. I just really didn't connect with the girl I talked to yesterday, and I had to talk to her the whole time, so it felt kind of like a chore. It was like they were trying to throw the minority at me. But I guess if I look past that, then it's not so bad. I just hate stereotypes and it kind of offended me the way they came to me "whats up" and all. I simple how are u doing would have been better. I have class so I like being talked to like i have class. Nothing really big. But they were the only sorority were I actually felt like a minority, because they kind of focused on that. But yeah I have reflected alot and feel a lot better about recruitment as of now. Who knows, maybe I could be happy as a Doug.

This post really got me. It was good. You made me learn somethign from it, and I hope you can learn a little from what i am about to say.

My chapter has no minority girls. (Not a shock, theres a whole five of us.) Not because we dont want any or dont accept any, but because it is HARD trying to get them interested in us.

I'm an IT major. Last year, I met a group of 3 black girls, and I HONESTLY felt like I really connected with one who was also an IT major. I HOPED that she had felt the same way, and that possibly, if we could get her interested, she would invite her friends along with her. Did it happen? No. Why? To this day I dont know.

We honestly dont know how to appeal to the minority crowd. Sometimes when i'm having a selfish moment, I get defensive myself and think "Well the only reason they wont join us is because we dont already have minorities..."even though I know thats not necessarily true...but how do we step over that hurdle? how do we get the first one, so that future girls wont be so shy?

While what you have said has helped me not FOCUS on the fact that a person is a minority so much - you know, so we dont make the same mistakes that you described above - also try to look at it from their point of view. it's hard to read a person sometimes, and as bad as it sounds, sometimes people are just ignorant. They try to do what they think is right, without realizing that you're offended by it. I'll admit, I probably could have been one of those girls who made the mistakes. Keep an open mind with them - they arent intentionally trying to single you out cause youre a minority, they are just trying to do what they feel is the right thing.

Thanks for the insight.

[PKTKKG]

Originally posted by silmilek20
Well after a lot of thinking and talking with an impartial person who is in no way related to the greek community I have a better grasp of the situation. Now that I think about it I can't remember that much about that house except some of the undesirable aspects. Today I will go and look around at everyone and how they act. I just really didn't connect with the girl I talked to yesterday, and I had to talk to her the whole time, so it felt kind of like a chore. It was like they were trying to throw the minority at me. But I guess if I look past that, then it's not so bad. I just hate stereotypes and it kind of offended me the way they came to me "whats up" and all. I simple how are u doing would have been better. I have class so I like being talked to like i have class. Nothing really big. But they were the only sorority were I actually felt like a minority, because they kind of focused on that. But yeah I have reflected alot and feel a lot better about recruitment as of now. Who knows, maybe I could be happy as a Doug.

Good for you for going and seeing how it goes! I am crossing my fingers that it is a good pref for you. Let us know how things turn out, we care.

[Taualumna]

To be perfectly honest, it becomes harder to "appeal" to a minority group or groups if there is a large population of said group/groups at your school. Generally, people tend to "stick to their own kind", especially if the groups' parents are immigrants or if they are immigrants themselves. This is from PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. My family already thinks I'm "odd" because I like small town, North America/nostalgic-esque prints/paintings that have NOTHING to do with my background!

[AXOhottie]

Definitely attend Doug's pref party and keep an open mind. I didn't really know that I wanted to join Alpha Chi until pref night. My campus has 3 Panhellenic chapters, and there have been many girls who didn't match at their first choice (or even second choice for that matter) who have ended up loving their experience at that chapter. My chapter advisor told me she isn't in her bid day pictures because she was in the other room crying because she didn't get her first choice. Now she wouldn't change her affiliation for the world. There are women who end up with their first choice and resign because they weren't honest with themselves and the fit wasn't right.

Things--good or bad-- happen for a reason. Continue to be open-minded tonight at your pref ceremony. Be honest with yourself. Are these the women you could sit up with at 3am because something bad happened? Are these the women you could pour your soul to? Are these the women you could hang out with, without the glitz and glamour of recruitment, while in your pajamas, eating popcorn, and watching tv? Do you feel like you can be yourself there? If you think the answer might be yes, then maybe you should consider giving Doug a shot. Being a sister isn't just during recruitment, or at meetings, or in ritual. You will be a sister to these women for the rest of your life. If you campus has houses, these are the women you will most likely live with. Attending recruitment parties won't make the women in these chapters your best friends. The new member period will be the time to really get to know the sisters. You could think of this as a sort of test-drive... There are always pluses and minuses. If it feels like a good fit, and you are willing to try, you may grow to love it.

Good luck tonight!