Serious help needed - Page 2

alphaiota · #16 09-12-2002, 02:23 PM

speaking from both sides, i have to agree with the rest of the posts, don't go based on looks. i consider myself to have a rather good personality and a good sense of humor. that's what my sisters saw in me when i rushed sigma kappa. other chapters didn't necessarily see that. aside from the not so great gpa, they saw someone who was overweight and maybe not always the most fashionable, but what does that have to do with it. the only good thing about my weight issue when it came to rush is that i was a prime candidate for anchor in puddle pull (tug of war, but you sit on the ground with your feet in pits, a miami u oh thing) and actually i was

, sigma kappa won puddle pull when i was their anchor.

shelley j
sigma k

qtbecks · #17 09-12-2002, 02:27 PM

I agree with most of the reply posts that have been made.

Which girl would you rather have in your sorority:
- one that has been super involved all through high school, has a 4.0 gpa, has done 100+ hours of volunteer work, seems to be genuinely interested in your sorority, gets along with everyone, but might not have the "right look", or
- one that was in one organization during her freshman year in high school, has a 2.5 gpa, no volunteer work, seems like she can either take or leave your sorority, isn't liked much by the other girls, but looks like she could be a model.

I know that for most of us, we'd take the first girl over the second in an instant.

kia123 · #18 09-12-2002, 02:35 PM

hey girls(and guys)
I really appreciate the advice, and I applaud members of Greek chat for not jumping down people's throats, even when they may have a different opinion, or what seems superficial. You are all great

With this girl, it's not only her looks, but her personality. I don't know how to describe it I mean she is sooo nice and tried really hard, But, she seems kind of dorky(she admits to having no friends and thats why she wants to join) That is what bothers me the most, Im worried bc I graduate this year about the girls she will give bids to(Im more worried about that than just giving her a bid) Does anyone know what I'm trying to say????I don't want it to have a snowball effect and a few years from now my sorority is full of unattractive people. I know there are soo many more important things in the world, and I upset myself soemtimes for worrying about this but I can't help it seeing how my pledge class turned things sooo around.
Thanks so much everyone this is a great site

alphaiota · #19 09-12-2002, 02:48 PM

question - do you want your sorority to survive. YES! of course you do. just b/c you have some girls who are "unattractiv" doesn't mean the chapter is going to hell in a hand basket. i understand your concerns. no friends now could mean she'll be alienated from the chapter or try to alienate others. but i was in the same boat she was when i joined. i didn't have any real friends at school and i wanted to be able to meet some cool people i could possibly become friends with. give her a chance.

shelley j
sigma k

how unattractive are we talking? is she going to seriously scare people?

sororitygirl2 · #20 09-12-2002, 02:49 PM

Okay, now it sounds like the discussion is not about looks all of a sudden. But to me, this is a pretty cut-and-dry issue... you should give bids to people who you think will fit in and represent your organization well. You have to have faith that the younger members will continue to do so long after you are gone.

If you do not believe that she will contribute to the success of the chapter, and could very possibly hinder it, then you don't bid her. However, if you are just using that as an excuse because she is not the most "cool" girl, then you should give her a bid.

33girl · #21 09-12-2002, 02:53 PM

Do you and the other members of the chapter like her and enjoy her company, even though she isn't the "coolest" person? Bid her.

Do you feel sorry for her? Don't bid her.

There is a big difference between the two. Also, it depends how big your chapter is...if you have 150 people she might not make a dif one way or the other...if you have 25-30 people it might.

Jhawkalum · #22 09-12-2002, 02:57 PM

It really sucks that recruitments forces you to make judgements about people in a half hour, but it does, and I'm sure everyone on this board has shared your concerns at some point.

Regardless of appearance, if a woman is seriously lacking social skills, you really think about it. It's ok to not have friends when you first arrive on campus, but if your behavior is keeping you from having friends, a sorority won't necessarily solve that problem. But this woman does sound very eager to please, perhaps you could be a good influence on her!

It's a tough choice, good luck.

MTSUGURL · #23 09-12-2002, 03:20 PM

Well, at first I was disturbed, but then when I saw everyone's AWESOME advice, I was very impressed. I agree with you guys. Also, I know that when my roommate and her rho sigma group talked about going through recruitment, they were most impressed with the chapters that weren't all beauty queens. They immediately decided to cut XYZ because they were so filled with beauty queens that they were made to feel inferior, and they're all extremely cute girls!
Having all types is a good thing. Of course, if the girl didn't take care of herself or didn't take any pride in her appearance that's a different matter, and certainly I wouldn't take someone that the best feeling I had about them was pity.

AXOLiz · #24 09-12-2002, 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by kia123
hey girls(and guys)
I really appreciate the advice, and I applaud members of Greek chat for not jumping down people's throats, even when they may have a different opinion, or what seems superficial. You are all great
With this girl, it's not only her looks, but her personality. I don't know how to describe it I mean she is sooo nice and tried really hard, But, she seems kind of dorky(she admits to having no friends and thats why she wants to join) That is what bothers me the most, Im worried bc I graduate this year about the girls she will give bids to(Im more worried about that than just giving her a bid) Does anyone know what I'm trying to say????I don't want it to have a snowball effect and a few years from now my sorority is full of unattractive people. I know there are soo many more important things in the world, and I upset myself soemtimes for worrying about this but I can't help it seeing how my pledge class turned things sooo around.
Thanks so much everyone this is a great site

I know the exact issue you're talking about. You could totally be on my campus. I went to an engineering school. If you've heard FuzzieAlum talk about her campus, we went to the same school. It's filled to the brim with, for lack of a nicer term, dorky people. I have embraced my dorkiness, so it's ok.

When I joined, I was pretty dorky, by no definition "cute," I really didn't have many good friends and tried REALLY hard while rushing. The chapter (obviously) gave me a bid after rushing a few times, but by then, they had started to see that there was something worthwhile behind the awkward, super-nice but not cute person standing there. And, with the help of my sisters, I lost about 70 pounds or so, discovered classier clothes, and gained more confidence than I thought I ever could have. So a sorority can be GREAT for a average looking, semi-dorky PNM like myself.

-however-

My chapter, when they gave me a bid, was accepting pretty much anyone who was "nice" and interested in us and wanted to be a part of our chapter because no one wanted to hurt anyone's feelings and felt sorry for some of the girls. I realize this is probably why I got a bid. In the long run, that thinking has caused problems. Because of the girls we were getting, we were having image problems that are still an issue today (thought not as much). Many girls going through rush don't want to join a group that has a rep for taking everyone, or that is dorky, or is the "fat" sorority.

Rush is a quick way of making snap judgments on someone. While you're judging girls on appearance, they're judging *you* as well. It's how it goes. And while some people can look past superficial stuff, and I admire them for it, that's not always the case.

I saw the snowball effect in action. People tend to push for people who are like them, so a lot of the nice, quiet, dorky-type girls who had blossomed in our chapter looked for "project" new members who they wanted to help blossom. And I think it's wonderful that they wanted to help people grow, and I thank them for seeing that I could end up being a great asset. My sorority helped me SO much, and I'm grateful for the opportunity. However, for survival of the chapter as a whole, I'm the first one to stand up and say that "nice" and "trying hard" are not anywhere in our membership criteria, and I got really sick of hearing comments like, "She could grow SOOOO much here." I'm sorry, it's not all about what you can give to the new member, the new member also needs to contribute to the chapter.

Sororities survive because of their members, and each member makes a difference. While one or two less-than-perfect members probably won't make much of a difference, you can never tell who's going to end up doing what for the chapter. Just because a PNM wants you doesn't mean they're a good fit for your chapter. Period. I know now that I definitely would've thought twice before giving myself a bid.

I'm really sorry if I offended anyone, that wasn't my intention. I'm in the process of trying to help my chapter rebuild its image and its membership, so this is a bit of a sore subject with me. I realize when I get worked up, I don't necessarily think of the most tactful way of saying things, so I apologize in advance if I upset anyone.

p.s. alphaiota - I worked with a girl who's a tri-delt at Miami and she was talking about puddle pull. It sounds a lot like our rope pull. Congrats on your win!!

AXOLiz · #25 09-12-2002, 04:35 PM

And I just realized in my rambling that I never said what I set out to say in the first place.

Your sorority can be great for this girl. She could blossom into an outstanding member before your eyes, no matter what she looks like. It can be a great experience like it was for me.

However, you always have to consider with each PNM whether they will be good for the chapter, no matter what they look like, what their personality is, etc. Each member has an effect. While a gorgeous yet heinously bitchy member will make your chapter look bad, so can members on the other extreme. That's why you have to really look at each new member as an individual to see how well they'll fit with your organization and its goals.

- edited because after posting a second time to say what I meant to say, I'm still typing-challenged

-

alphaiota · #26 09-12-2002, 08:09 PM

yeah, we didn't really have girls who really wanted to be in our sorority so if they really showed interest and wanted it, we bid them usually. then again we closed b/c our membership numbers didn't stay up. goes to show you you do need to be careful of who you let in to your chapter. before i joined they did bid the beautiful girls exclusively, but by the time i got there they had lost so many girls to deactivation that they didn't care if they were pretty or not, they just wanted to say afloat.

shelley j
sigma k

justamom · #27 09-12-2002, 08:40 PM

AXOLiz, you, and I am sure others, judge yourself too harshly.
This is why I said what I think is important is "class". The problem with "class" is, it's a very subtle characteristic and doesn't show itself in an obvious way.
You can dress it up, make it up and change it up, but unless there is quality at the heart, nothing else matters.

EDITED-Had to differentiate my thoughts so Liz wouldn't think it was a run on!

Being spiteful and sarcastic and the first one with a commentary isn't personality.
Wearing Bebe and carrying Prada doesn't denote polish.

How you treat others and how you present yourself MENTALLY and hopefully, GRACIOUSLY are more important than all the BMWs or Cosmo nail polish colours in the world. Many have said they aren't a bit familiar with the person in their Freshman photos. You can ALWAYS improve the surface. It's very difficult to change what's inside.

I do sympathize with your dilema. If you are a lone voice, maybe others see wha you can not. If several of you feel the same way, then it would appear your problem is solved. Honestly, from a point of age and experience, I would say don't win the battle just to lose the war. There are more important issues than this girl's appearances that you will face in the future. Save your energy for the bigger battles.

nyrdrms · #28 09-12-2002, 10:13 PM

My best advice would be to sit down and talk to this girl one on one, just you and her. Put aside looks, put aside first impressions, put it all aside. Sometimes people try so hard during rush because they don't know how else to act. If you make the effort to talk to her and get to know beyond what is physically there, perhaps you will see that this girl could be a real asset to your organization.

In all honesty, I know you are worried about the future of your organization, but you don't have that much control over that. Even the girls that seem to be the most like you can have completely different opinions on the growth of the sorority. Think about the here and now. While you are still active, do you think that this girl would be a contribution to your organization and that your organization would be a benefit to her? That's the real issue.

If you start there, then the rest should fall into place. She might not be someone to bid, but you don't know that unless you make that effort.

Shark_in_Skirt · #29 09-12-2002, 11:27 PM

Kia,

Regarding what you said about this girl admitting she had "no friends"? Is she a freshman? If so, isn't it understandable that she's having a somewhat rough time juggling her emotions being away from home, and just needs some time to find her balance and go out and be social?

If she's NOT a freshman, then DISREGARD everything I just said!

XOXO,
Annie.