Deactivation - please help! :(

[DrPhil]

I forgot that this is in the NPC Sorority Recruitment forum.

Most of the responses would be like ramsey's if this was about the NPHC.

Pardon the lane swerve.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by FSUZeta

It is just that they are probably looking at the big picture, while the collegians be more concentrated on their chapter.

Further, if they've been around for a while, they see things through a historical perspective that collegians don't have if they are only there for four years.

Now, my collegiate chapter had a lot of problems with collegians, alumnae, and HQ not being on the same page, so I would never boil it down to "alumnae are right, collegians are wrong" or vice-versa, rather, I think there can be a lot of talking past one another when trying to explain why and how things are being done.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

I forgot that this is in the NPC Sorority Recruitment forum.

Most of the responses would be like ramsey's if this was about the NPHC.

Pardon the lane swerve.

Yes, it's obviously different. Being in an NPC chapter that is not performing up to the national standards, for whatever reason, can be SO stressful that, I'm sorry to say, there can be a lot of "unsisterly" behavior between the collegians and the alumnae.

[Greek_or_Geek?]

Originally Posted by FSUZeta

OP, I can promise you that if your nationals recently held a membership review, that there are serious problems nationals felt needed to be addressed. National officers don't sit around at headquarters throwing darts at a map and then say, "Oh, the dart landed on Problem University. Let's book our flights, go down there and make their lives a living hell"- they don't just swoop down on a chapter without good cause. Most often before the situation becomes one that warrants a membership review national office has tried to work with the chapter to solve the problems while they are still manageable. Your national officers could have pulled your charter and shut down the chapter-consider yourselves lucky.

You may be stuck with the advisors you have because they are the only ones who will give up their personal time to your chapter. There is a lesson to be learned in every situation. Working with these alums., who you say are difficult, may help you gain insight and skills that you will be able to use if you ever encounter a difficult superior when you join the work force. Plus, your advisors may be coming down hard due to the problems the sorority is experiencing right now. It may not seem like it, but those ladies do have the good of the sorority at heart. It is just that they are probably looking at the big picture, while the collegians be more concentrated on their chapter.
Did you know that advisors are not paid? They volunteer their time to serve their sororities. Just telling you this because sometimes collegians have the misconception that alumnae advise because of the pay!

Exactly. Dealing with a chapter that has issues severe enough to expel members is not a walk in the park. The actives will never know the truth about the situation and the advisors will all look like big meanies. What you call micromanaging is them trying to make sure your chapter doesn't get shut down.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

Yes, it's obviously different. Being in an NPC chapter that is not performing up to the national standards, for whatever reason, can be SO stressful that, I'm sorry to say, there can be a lot of "unsisterly" behavior between the collegians and the alumnae.

Well, that is no different than NPHC GLOs. We also have some underperforming chapters and sometimes have poor relationships within collegiate chapters, between collegiate chapters, and between collegiates and alumnae/alumni/graduate chapters.

How members respond to this (and how other members react to the members' responses) is highly related to GLO culture.

[33girl]

Honestly, y'all?

It sounds less like she is upset that her sisters lost their membership (which is what usually ticks people off the most in situations like this) and more like she can't believe that someone didn't agree with her because she is so incredibly incredible.

The Tracy Flick is strong in this one. It's great to have strong campus leaders around, but not when they martyr themselves over it or think they should get special privileges. Next.

[DrPhil]

/lane swerve

[AOII Angel]

I agree, 33, and as soon as she realizes that she doesn't know the whole story behind the actions of her organization's national body, she can work to move things along. I bet you $1,000 this is about risk management issues.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

I think that a lot of posters are being really harsh on the OP, and I really don't believe not one of you ever had a time when you were so frustrated that you seriously considered leaving.

I thought the same thing. This isn't a new member who just received a bid 2 weeks ago.. She's an involved sister who has serious doubts about sticking it out in a sorority that she's currently not completely happy being a part of.

That being said...

Originally Posted by wildcat601

Hey everyone,

I just finished my sophomore year so I’ve been in my sorority for about a year and a half (my school has deferred rush). I was hesitant as a PNM and pledge, loved the beginning of my sophomore year, and am now considering deactivating. During this time I lived in the house, held several positions, and made big improvements for the chapter, so I really did give it my all.

Why were you hesitant as a PNM and pledge?

What made you love the beginning of your sophomore year? What changed between then and now?

Cons:
- Advisers/Nationals
After working with advisers during my leadership positions, I have no respect for them. As a freshman I was being groomed for president or another big position, but after dealing with these people I just couldn’t apply for the executive board. I feel that these women often lack common sense and don’t have the chapter’s best interests in mind. This year we had some huge issues with Nationals kicking girls out of the house and threatening to take away memberships, which we had to fight because they were completely unreasonable. I find it hard to be in the chapter when these people micromanage and control everything we do. (It’s part of being in a sorority, I know, but it seems like the other chapters at my school don’t have this problem to the same degree.)

You need to be honest with yourself about why the national organization got involved and was threatening to kick members out of the sorority. And remember, you might not know the whole story. You were a new member as a freshman - did something happen with the chapter then, and the national staff dealt with it the following semester? Sisters tend to try and shelter the new members from trouble/difficult situations, and you might have been kept in the dark about these things.

In terms of advisors - what gives you the impression that they don't have the chapter's best interest in mind? Also, how old are they/how far removed from college are they? If they're fairly young, perhaps they're still trying to make decisions for the chapter based on what they would have done as an active, and they're not allowing the current active members to run the chapter? Or if they're much older, maybe they're under the impression that the the chapter members aren't old/mature enough to make rational decisions.

Or maybe they're not as knowledgeable about sorority policies as they should be?

Are you the only member who feels this way?

- I’m starting to think it’s not worth my time
I spend a lot of time on school, which means things like chapter meetings and formals aren’t my priority so I don’t really like paying for them. Let alone the time recruitment requires. There are also a lot of members I dislike, ranging from fake girls to drama queens to our power-tripping president. I'm involved in many other groups and have leadership positions, so I don't rely on my sorority for extracurriculars or resume building.

It sounds to me like youre able to manage your time (contrary to what other posters here have suggested), but you just don't want to attend some of these things.

I agree with those who have suggested stepping back a bit - don't take on any huge positions next semester, and do the minimum. Of course there are certain things you'll still have to go to, but don't throw yourself into everything that's thrown at you.

And I don't know if formal is mandatory for you, but if it isn't, and you truly don't want to go.. Don't.

Pros:
- Friends
Though I dislike a decent amount of the members, I have made some of my best friends through the sorority and I don’t want to lose those connections. I’m living with two of them next year, and these girls plan on staying in the sorority. I think I’ll be able to make the friendships last if I put in the effort. This especially applies to my "little" – I love her and feel guilty for ditching her, even though I would still be around and actively help with pledge mom week and stuff. In fact, I feel like I would have more time to spend with her and my other friends since I'm not wasting it at these other meetings. If you have experience with this, I’d appreciate your input.

You're living with two sisters next semester that you like.. This is a good thing, and I wouldnt suggest dropping out at the start of the school year. This could turn them off from living with you. And living with them might make you realize why you joined in the first place.

However, I have stayed friends with girls who have dropped. One of my pledge sisters dropped a few weeks after initiation, and she ended up being one of my best friends through college. So it's not impossible to keep some connections. It's all in how you carry yourself and handle the situation when you leave, should you choose to do so.

Just keep in mind that your little will still be going to these meetings that you're not going to, and she'll most likely be taking on more responsibility in the chapter as time goes on. So while you might have more time to hang out with her, she might have less time to hang out with you.

- Network
The sorority is really convenient for selling furniture, sharing apartments and cabs, finding people to hang out with over the summer, and more. People also talk about the benefits of an alumni network, but judging from our advisers I’m pretty sure I would want to get involved in that anyway. Again, any experiences would be greatly appreciated!

Don't bash the alumnae experience just because you aren't fond of a handful of sisters. It has many benefits, and you're not dealing with weekly chapter meetings, and recruitment, and homecoming, and mixers. It's a great way to stay active as an adult, meet new people in new cities, and attend social events with adults - an important thing to do occasionally when you have kids at home and spend most of your time at soccer games and PTA meetings.

Not everyone is involved as an alumna, which is fine, but don't judge it based on what little you've seen of it.

- And finally, I have a weird attachment to some of our tshirts that I can’t really describe or understand, so I’m not sure what that’s supposed to tell me. As I was unpacking from the school year there was a lot of stuff I want to donate to my grand-little, but there are some things I can’t part with and would probably still wear. I don’t really know what this means!

If you drop your letters, that means returning every t-shirt. If you want to stay friends with some of the sisters, the last thing you'd want to do is lose them all over a piece of clothing.


Good luck in making the best decision for you.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

And I don't know if formal is mandatory for you, but if it isn't, and you truly don't want to go...Don't.

The issue is that for some groups/chapters, the cost of the formal is included in your dues...so you pay for it whether you go or not. (I only learned about this through GC.)

[wildcat601]

Originally Posted by HQWest

Not sure I would have said it like that -

Haha, thank you.

Originally Posted by HQWest

Key thing to remember - deactivating is permanent! You have to give back your letters - your pin, all of them. Also, helping with the new member is a big fat no-no. If I was a member educator, I would only want shiny happy members around, not grumbly, its-not-worth-putting-any-work-into-it, quitters.

By helping with the new member, do you mean my little? Just wanted to clarify. Thank you for your response!

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by 33girl

The issue is that for some groups/chapters, the cost of the formal is included in your dues...so you pay for it whether you go or not. (I only learned about this through GC.)

Ah, I see. Yes, I learned something new, also.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by wildcat601

By helping with the new member, do you mean my little? Just wanted to clarify. Thank you for your response!

You said:

Originally Posted by wildcat601

This especially applies to my "little" – I love her and feel guilty for ditching her, even though I would still be around and actively help with pledge mom week and stuff.

If you terminate your membership, it would be as inappropriate for you to help her in an active fashion as it would be for you to (example) write a bill for her to submit if she was a student senator. Can you bring her dinner when she's going crazy trying to figure out a schedule for pledge mom week? Yes. Can you go decorate the house with her? No. She should have a committee or at least an assistant pledgemistress to assist her with those things. Even if the two of you are still cool, be aware that if you terminate, there will be some sisters that don't want to see you within a mile of the house - especially if they hold you in the same regard as you appear to hold many of them.

That kind of brings up another question. How DO the majority of the members think of you? Did they just elect you to positions because they thought you would do a good job, or are you genuinely popular in the chapter? I say this because it almost sounds like they have NO CLUE that you regard most of them as drama queens, fake etc. and that you've put forth a very successful "super sister" facade.

[wildcat601]

Originally Posted by DGTess

The two women I know who resigned membership while I was in college regret it to this day - 35 years later. Another, who never resigned but who dropped out of school and didn't rejoin the chapter when she returned, doesn't feel anyone would want to get back in touch with her.

Now, that's minor anecdotal information, but it highlights the fact there is absolutely no going back.
...
There is no way you can know what the future will bring. Four years of collegiate membership cannot prepare you for alumnae membership, where you have support and connections wherever life takes you.

A lot of the posters have highlighted benefits of being an alumnae, which I wasn't very familiar with before reading responses to this thread.
Thank you for your insight!!

[wildcat601]

Originally Posted by AXOrushadvisor

If you don't want to work with us don't. There are other girls who will. If your National organization came in and released girls there was probably a good reason for it. Most general members wont know the "true" story just the "story" the disgruntled girls are telling you. There are ALWAYS 2 sides to every story. I'm pretty sure you are just hearing 1.

This year we had two instances where girls were removed from the house, and releasing a girl was considered but didn't happen. I don't think one of the cases was justified, but the other was reasonable. I recognize I still have some bias, but I didn't mean to imply that every punishment we received was cruel and unusual. Thanks for the article, and I apologize for making a general statement about advisors!

Originally Posted by AXOrushadvisor

You have 3 pros and 2 cons. I think maybe your looking for a reason.

This is a good point, I'll mull it over. Thank you again!