Big/Little Opinion Please?

[lotsofdots]

Hey yall!

I know that this is the internet and it's a little ridiculous for me to seek out total strangers for help...but I seriously do not know what to do!

I am a first-year student, and so I got my Big in about October. I was so excited because she was my top choice, and we had so much fun together. Unfortunately, around the same time we Big/Little-d, I had a boatload of problems happen with my boyfriend, my family, my grades, my HS friends, etc., and the stress made me a total mess- I stayed pretty much on the down low until I finally got myself together a little while later.

Ever since then, I've been trying to reconnect with my Big, but it hasn't been working. Talking, Facebook, and texting is uncomfortable for both of us, no matter how hard I try to connect to what made us Big/Little in the first place- and I can promise you that I have been trying very very VERY hard-nothing seems to work. It makes me feel like an awful Little that we never talk or hang out, but I'm not sure how to fix it anymore. Her boyfriend lived in town, and mine doesn't; she goes out constantly, and I don't; we're both taking very intense course loads for the semester and are pushed to the limit to get things done. It seems like everything that made us want to hang out together has been worn down by our busy lives. I have been trying really hard- I try to talk to her or text her, I try to meet up and hang out with her, I go to dinner and sit with her to chat- but nothing has come of it but more awkwardness, and she rarely talks to me. It has gotten to the point that we say hello, hug, and then go on to hang out with our friends. Separately.

Today she told me that she's taking a second Little. I'm not upset because she likes a COB girl enough to make them her Little-I really love all of our new girls and having any of them as a twin would be awesome- I'm upset because I feel like she is replacing me with someone she prefers over me, and who she wishes were her only Little. The new girl that she will obviously take as her second Little is more similar to her and spends more time with her...and my Big obviously likes her more. They are so similar it is ridiculous- and while I'm so happy that both my Big and my new sister found each other, I can't help feeling like an outcast in our 'family'.

So what I'm asking is...does anyone have any advice to help improve our relationship? Any comfort or condemnation? Any stories to tell? Or at least any opinion on this? I feel like the world's worst Little- especially because in my chapter Bigs and Littles are best-friend-soulmate-close. So any kind of advice would be extremely appreciated.

Sorry to bug yall with my problems.
Mods, if this is wrong at all, feel free to move or delete.
Thanks yall.

[Preston327]

Sounds like you guys both had and have a lot on your respective plates, and your friendship took a back seat for a bit. Unfortunately, this happens in life sometimes. I'd say the best course of action would be staying cordial with her, and trying to rebuild your friendship slowly. If one-on-one conversations and interactions are awkward or forced, try incorporating a third person that's a mutual friend. Eventually, your friendship will rebound. Maybe not all the way, but at least to being good friends.

[RaggedyAnn]

I'm sorry to hear that you are having a strained relationship with your Big. I hope this comes out right, because I do have sympathy. A Big's primary responsibility is to mentor you and get you ready for initiation. After that, any relationship and friendship is great, but not a necessary part of your sorority life. Trust me when I say you can have a very positive sorority experience without that relationship. I haven't spoken to my Big in sixteen years. It was difficult at first when our relationship parted ways, but in the long run, it didn't make that much of an impact in my life.

If you want to build your relationship, you almost have to start from scratch. Instead of dinners, maybe just get cups of coffee? The time would be shorter and maybe less stressful? You could also try and get to know your twin...but why not work on your other sorority relationships. Not every sister will have a great relationship with their Big/Little. I personally think that sometimes too much stock is put in those relationships.

[AOII Angel]

I completely agree with Raggedy Ann. Instead of obsessing about your relationship with your big, just see where it goes. It may never be much of a relationship. Instead, find your Little and be the best Big you can be. Make relationships with other sisters on a basis you are comfortable with so you don't have to try so hard. Sometimes these Big/Lil relationships are set so quickly that you don't really find out that you aren't a perfect fit. It's not the end of the world. I'm lucky to have a good relationship with my Big, but we don't have that much in common. We just have a respect for each other that comes from shared experiences. That's enough for us.

[chickenoodle]

I appreciate what RaggedyAnn and AOIIAngel are saying but I disagree. I would try a last ditch effort before letting it go.

Grab your Big and ask to get together (lunch, etc.) and talk to her. She may feel as though you blew her off even though it doesn't sound like that is the case.

If it doesn't work out, it would be unfortunate, but it's not the end of the world. Just remember your experiences when the time comes for you to take a Little.

[MaggieXi]

I had a really great time with my Big when I first joined the chapter.

However, the circle of friends within the sorority that she hung out with and the circle of friends that I ended up being with mostly were just very different. She and I didn't have a huge falling out - but by the end of my sophmore year we only saw each other at mandatory events and were cordial - just not close. I often envied the girls who had bigs that they adored and were best friends with.

My junior year, I ended up being close to someone else in my big's pledge class and she kind of became my psuedo-big, because her little had transferred. We were very good friends and she and I fulfilled those rolls for each other.

So what I'm getting at is: your big might be your big on paper, but that doesn't mean she has to be that roll in your life. I would reach out to her and try - but if it doesn't work and you think that you can't handle the fact that she has taken another little (but at least she told you about that, which is good that she respects you enough to be honest) try to work on relationships with others you think can be good friends with.

Also, when you get your little, remember and teach her that this relationship is a 2 way street.

And hey - your getting a twin! You should be excited and do everything you can to develop that friendship!

[KSUViolet06]

Make an effort to talk to her. Alot of times, people expect others to just KNOW how they feel. She won't know unless you tell her.

Also, bigs and littles aren't always BFFs. There are plenty of girls I know who are closer to other sisters than they are to their bigs/littles. So not being close with yours isn't unusual.

[33girl]

It is hard if it seems other b-l relationships in the chapter are "soulmate close" but I assure you, there was a horrific one at some point in the chapter's history. No chapter is that perfect, unless it only has 4 members at a time.

You went through a lot of crap, and are not the same person she took as a little. Everyone grows and changes especially in college. That's life. My big and I were super tight until I moved into the house (she was part of the group who militantly would not live there). We never had a falling out, but...I grew up a little and in a different direction. It sounds like the same kind of thing happened to you and she might feel like you don't "need" her the same way anymore. She has to adjust to that.

Try sending her a letter or a card and letting her know that you want to be part of her life and vice versa. Texts and quick phone messages really don't cut it when you have a lot of feelings you need to get out.

[Penguin08]

Originally Posted by MaggieXi

...So what I'm getting at is: your big might be your big on paper, but that doesn't mean she has to be that roll in your life. I would reach out to her and try - but if it doesn't work and you think that you can't handle the fact that she has taken another little (but at least she told you about that, which is good that she respects you enough to be honest) try to work on relationships with others you think can be good friends with.

...Also, when you get your little, remember and teach her that this relationship is a 2 way street.

Like MaggieXi said, it's a 2 way street. Your big doesn't seem to be making much of an effort to see you. I mean you were a freshman and sometimes it can be a tough transition, plus you had alot of personal problems going on. Your big should have been there for you and helping you get through it instead of just letting your relationship crumble.

Also, I've had an adoptive big from pretty much the beginning of my time in my sorority and she's been amazing.

So, the bright side is you have a bunch of other sisters to be close with and you can build a fabulous relationship with a little of your own

[minDyG]

I hope you've had some success in trying to re-connect with your big! I know how important that relationship is at DI. But don't forget your pledge sisters! In retrospect, I wish I'd kept in better contact through the years with my pledge class than I have. I don't regret staying close with my big, of course, and I wish we were even closer, but my pledge sisters and I share a bond that should render a sustainable relationship but unfortunately hasn't. Just some food for thought.

[BrandNewAdvisor]

As someone who was in your big's position here's my two cents.

When I got my first little I was ecstatic, especially since my big (who I am "soulmate close" to) was going to be graduating. Everything was great until during the end of the new member period she was very busy with her theater group. Her show was the same day as initiation, so she missed out on a lot of stuff and I missed out on doing things as a big. But it wasn't the end of the world, I made the effort to hang out with her once her life quieted down but she never had the time or wanted to. We didn't have a ton in common, but neither do my big and I. I tried to compromise by doing things she liked, she never reciprocated. I figured she didn't like me. We did the same thing you mentioned, chat briefly (and awkwardly) at sorority events and go sit separately.

When I took my second little I took her because I wanted her and I wanted someone to have that mentoring relationship with. I did try to include my first little and had family dinners but she never showed or would eat and leave. They were really different people so I didn't try to get them to hang out often.

Here's where the advice kicks in: I had a very serious illness during my senior year. I wasn't sure if I was going to finish out the year. I called my first little sat down and had a serious talk with her, let her know what was going on with me and that I was sorry we had never gotten close. She had always assumed I was upset with her for not coming to things the week before initiation, never knew how to talk about it and apologized. She had a lot of things going on in her life that she didn't tell me about so it wasn't all rudeness.

Talk with her about how you feel now she could very well feel the same way. It felt horrible to feel like I was rejected by my little (who picked me!) Compromise about stuff to do if you don't have tons of common interests, make an effort to get along with your future twin and if all else fails form that relationship elsewhere. I never begrudge my little's friendship with other members.