Boyfriend and Sororities

[Kevin]

I practice family law. This is exactly how stories of severe domestic abuse typically begin. He will not be happy until he has you isolated and completely under his control.

[tcsparky]

Yes- you need to listen to those of us who have been there. This relationship is not headed in a good direction.

Originally Posted by Kevin

I practice family law. This is exactly how stories of severe domestic abuse typically begin. He will not be happy until he has you isolated and completely under his control.

[Kevin]

He's a toxic person. He doesn't understand how relationships work. The red flags I'm seeing here are the description of his ex--this is a manipulation ploy. And even if she went Greek and was just as sexually active as she wanted to be, what's the issue with that?

He believes that sororities bring out the worst in girls. He thinks it’s fake, for girls who want attention, and for basically girls who want to sleep with a bunch of dudes. He had a perfect relationship before me and broke up with the girl just because she joined a sorority too. She ended up becoming a groupie and has been passed around by a bunch of dudes.

This is manipulation on is part. His opinion on what sororities are is wrong, and has nothing to do with what he actually thinks--it's all about what he wants you to think. He doesn't want you to join because if you are part of a strong sisterhood, it becomes much more difficult for him to exert power and control over you. He may not be thinking of this exactly in those terms, it's more about him feeling entitled to you--and completely on his own terms. Outside influences interfere with that.

He found out when he saw my location on pref night at the house I was in love with all week. He was mad, I tried to hold back tears waiting outside of the house I really wanted and I was nervous that my mind would be distracted when speaking to the girls. Luckily, I ran home to them and had such an amazing experience and the only person I wanted to tell about it was my boyfriend. He’s the person I wanted to support me, be there for me and be proud that I went through hell weak and made it out on top. He didn’t care. He was angry. He pushed me out. I cried for days trying to get him to talk to me again. He wouldn’t. I finally left him alone, and tried to be at peace with his decision. He came back to me and said he rather be with me than lose me to something so dumb.

The first red flag I see here is that he's using your GPS locator as a weapon against you. My wife and I share our location, but it's not about checking up on one another or any kind of jealousy. It's more like a "It's 6PM and you're still at the office, should dinner go in the fridge?" sort of thing. If he's insecure and has trust issues, that's on him. If after two years, this is still a thing, 1) it won't get better, and 2) it's on him.

The next red flag I see here is the emotional manipulation. You want to share something great in your life, but because this interferes with having you the way he wants you and his jealousy/lack of trust, he made a power play to emotionally guilt you into quitting. When that didn't work, he came back.. oh well.. no matter that he put you through the emotional ringer, making you question your own actions and values. He's not over it, he's just moved on to Plan B.

he’s tolerant of me being a sorority but never wants me to talk about it. He shuts me out the second I mention any of my new friends or talk about my day. He’s not interested at all. I understand that he is at home, bored out of his mind, it it most likely makes him feel sad, so I try not to rub it in his face. He’s now at the point where if I bring up any socials or events, he’s instantly fighting me. It’s driving me insane.

This is called gaslighting. This is his Plan B. Again, this isn't something he's really planning, this is just a natural pattern of behavior, which is surprisingly common. Look--he even has you now saying that talking about your experiences in Greek Life is rubbing something in his face. You're not rubbing it in his face, you are sharing a part of your life and he's getting you to question your own sanity.

He lacks trust in me as a girlfriend, he’s scared I’ll hurt him.

I know you provided some context here, but I want to break this down. When you were questioning the relationship early on, compare and contrast the tactics you used to prove the relationship was viable. Now compare what he is doing to you. See the difference? What he's doing is abusive. It may not be physical. It may never be physical. These things do have a pattern of increasing in intensity.

I wish I could prove to him that he’s seeing the stereotype of Greek life and not what it really means to me. It’s amazing.

It's not about Greek Life for him. It's about power and control over you. So long as you're involved in things outside of the relationship, that's a threat to him.

Want a second opinion? If your school offers access to counselors, go book a session and discuss this with them. Watch them instantly pick up on the same things I am.

I predict that ending this relationship will be a nightmare. These guys don't typically go peacefully. The physical distance between you can be a blessing. You probably can't be friends. He will likely start blowing up your phone with text messages and calls. Be prepared to block him. If he continues to stalk, intimidate, or harass you, there are resources like the YWCA or women's shelters which can point you in the direction you need to go in order to get a restraining order. A lot of victims of abuse find it easier to go back to their abuser than to separate. I would advise you to do this now. Once you're living together and he has power and control over your finances, living space, children, it becomes much more difficult.

[tcsparky]

Kevin, you have said this perfectly. I was afraid that I was letting my own past color what I was telling her, but you are spot on.

This man is using coercive control to manipulate her and to have power over her. This is mentally and emotionally unhealthy for her. She will try to do everything in her power to make him happy, and he will always have another thing to hold over her.

I hope she gets out. He could very easily become dangerous. She need sot get out now while she is away at University.

[Kevin]

Originally Posted by tcsparky

Kevin, you have said this perfectly. I was afraid that I was letting my own past color what I was telling her, but you are spot on.

This man is using coercive control to manipulate her and to have power over her. This is mentally and emotionally unhealthy for her. She will try to do everything in her power to make him happy, and he will always have another thing to hold over her.

I hope she gets out. He could very easily become dangerous. She need sot get out now while she is away at University.

I've had to undergo domestic violence training to be allowed to serve as Guardian ad Litem in cases involving domestic violence. And domestic violence isn't just physical. It's also emotional, verbal.

I would also advise OP to get some domestic violence counseling. If she's in a city of any size, there's a YWCA which will have a class for victims of domestic abuse. It'd be smart to learn about the signs and symptoms of an abuser are and what a healthy relationship looks like. Otherwise, statistically, she's likely to end up in another abusive relationship.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by Kevin

The next red flag I see here is the emotional manipulation. You want to share something great in your life, but because this interferes with having you the way he wants you and his jealousy/lack of trust, he made a power play to emotionally guilt you into quitting. When that didn't work, he came back.. oh well.. no matter that he put you through the emotional ringer, making you question your own actions and values. He's not over it, he's just moved on to Plan B.

Kevin, you just made me flash back to when I thought First Boyfriend and I had had a very rational and peaceful discussion and decided to date other people because I’d be in college for 3 more years and had never seriously dated anyone else. The next time I called him he was sulky, withdrawn etc etc... I asked what was wrong and he said he didn’t really like the decision we made. I said “OKAY, FINE, I won’t date anyone else.” Immediately he was happy because he got his way. Even though I’d agreed through clenched teeth and basically in the tone in which a child agrees to clean their room after being nagged for hours. So from then on I started doing things trying to make him break up with me, which of course had a worse effect on me than him, but that’s another tale.

I just want to once more thank Mom and Dad 33 for holding their tongues about what they really thought of him, because had they not, I probably would have rebelled and married the jerk. OP, that’s another question- what do your parents/family think about this guy?

[SydneyK]

OP:
Please go back and read everything Kevin wrote in his "He's a toxic person" post. Even if you've already read it, read it again. There is a lot of truth and insight there, and you'd be wise to study it. There are clear patterns when it comes to abusive behavior. IMO, it's actually a good thing that such patterns exist - it allows folks to put together training seminars/recognize potential abusers/etc... Please consider the fact that strangers in this forum (who have nothing to gain from encouraging you to make certain choices) are alarmed by his behavior because they recognize the patterns he's displaying.

I wish you the best of luck, OP. Go hang out and have fun with your new sisters!

[Kevin]

Originally Posted by 33girl

what do your parents/family think about this guy?

Do not count on your friends or family to catch on to this stuff. In the case of many abusers, the folks who think they know him best think he's a great guy who wouldn't hurt a fly. They can be charming, but ultimately toxic in terms of being able to be in a relationship. Many are borderline or narcissistic personality disorder, so their affliction can be described as them being potential monsters without any ability whatsoever to admit they have a problem.

Maybe years of therapy could help them cope, but good luck getting them to therapy and good luck getting them to buy in. It's possible, I guess, but probably never worth it.

[Tom Earp]

Just maybe, the poor slob figures the woman he loves will be lost to him? He basically is scared to death he will lose her!

What I am seeing on here is the same thing I am seeing all across our Country, Hate and Miss Direction.

[33girl]

Slob is the operative word. From her post, he’s still in their hometown and doing nothing. He needs to make something of his life, not make her his life or make her feel guilty about her choices.

[Kevin]

Originally Posted by Tom Earp

Just maybe, the poor slob figures the woman he loves will be lost to him? He basically is scared to death he will lose her!

What I am seeing on here is the same thing I am seeing all across our Country, Hate and Miss Direction.

I'm sure he feels bad here, but this guy doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship is not built around getting your way by making the other party feel ashamed and guilty or withholding your affection if the other party doesn't do what you want.

[OldFLDDD]

I predict that ending this relationship will be a nightmare. These guys don't typically go peacefully. The physical distance between you can be a blessing. You probably can't be friends. He will likely start blowing up your phone with text messages and calls. Be prepared to block him. If he continues to stalk, intimidate, or harass you, there are resources like the YWCA or women's shelters which can point you in the direction you need to go in order to get a restraining order. A lot of victims of abuse find it easier to go back to their abuser than to separate. I would advise you to do this now. Once you're living together and he has power and control over your finances, living space, children, it becomes much more difficult.[/QUOTE]

Not sure if I'm doing this quote thing right but Kevin says exactly what I was mentioning in another post--when my daughter realized it was time to break up with her boyfriend, it was UGLY, and thank goodness he was six hours away. Even so, she turned off his ability to see her location. We NEVER would have seen this coming, as we all loved him and knew he loved her. But the more distance she had, the more she could see the controlling/manipulating behaviors and those REALLY became apparent when she decided to leave him.

[IrishLake]

Back in the day when I was young, I'm not a kid anymore.... (It's an old song, sorry )

I went to college. I joined Theta. I met a guy. He hated I was in a sorority. We were serious for almost 2 years anyway. My mom hated him. She could see him for what he was. I hated her for hating him. He hated I went to parties. He picked fights over the fact that he couldn't come to a "closed" party with a frat. So I started not going. Then he moved away, I moved off campus with a group of very empowering supportive women. And then, breaking up with him was easy.

I was still a Theta and still in college. I met another guy. Our Sweetheart threw us a party and invited his best friend from home. Best friend was hot and we hit it off and started dating. BF wasn't bothered too much by me being in a sorority at first. It boosted his ego that he was in a long distance relationship with a "hot sorority chick." He didn't always like it that I couldn't come see him some weekends due to sorority obligations. We dated, got engaged, got married, had 3 kids, oh and he had at least 5 affairs. In 2009, when the recession hit and I was laid off, I volunteered to become a Theta chapter advisor. My husband now HATED the fact that I'd spend maybe 2 hours a month in a remote volunteer role. If I was on a conference call, he'd yell at me loud enough for my sisters and fellow advisory board members to hear. He HATED it when I had to leave him home with the kids and drive 3 hours to campus for a meeting (like once or twice a year). He now HATED my best friends from college (who were in our wedding) and HATED it when we wanted to meet up for drinks or spend time together. And because I hated fighting over it, I stopped putting forth the effort to see my friends and I began hiding my involvement with Theta. It was all about control and manipulation. And at this point, I felt very stuck because of marriage, finances, and children.

Fast forward. Divorced. Happiest I've ever been in my life! And now with a man who supports me and ALL my interests. A man who says "are you going to campus at all this semester? Just let me know what weekend, I'll come with you if we don't have the kids. Or if we do have them, I can take care of them for the day so you can go. Or, we can all go, and I'll take the kids out for pizza while you do your thing." He's not threatened. He doesn't want to control or manipulate.

Don't be like me from back in the day. Be like the me now. Your life isn't defined by the man you choose to be with. College is for finding yourself, embracing your personal growth, and establishing the foundations for lifelong friendships. He's not the one for you because he wants you to be who HE wants you to be. He doesn't want you to grow or change. He is not the one for you.

[*winter*]

OP, I hope you come back. We want what is best for you.

I worked in a domestic violence shelter. Everyone here is right in the money. If you give in and quit the sorority tomorrow (DONT!)- it will be something else. He will ultimately ruin your college experience and possibly cause you to drop out of college altogether. I've seen it happen. I was just discussing this with my niece tonight, because her BF (a great kid) isn't going to college and I was concerned he would do this sort of thing with her. But, fortunately, he isn't. Point: not all guys are like this. Have fun. Move on.