My boyfriend joined a frat and has become so mean; help!!!

[MaryPoppins]

Originally Posted by DZGA

ouch. kinda hurts to be labeled as that...

No, we're not labeling you that, just warning you that's how you might appear to others if you don't watch out. You don't want to be THAT girl which everyone uses as a cautionary tale. Sending you our Panellenicc advice and love!

[greekdee]

I know it's hurtful and confusing when someone turns a personality/behavior flip, but you need to take care not to dwell on the guy he was instead of the one he has become. Clearly, the new him is unacceptable to you or you wouldn't be reaching out for advice and insight.

I also know that letting go can be hard when what you used to have was good. Just because someone has changed towards you does not mean you can automatically shut your feelings off like a faucet. But -- if you continue interacting with this guy and hoping he will switch back to Mr. Nice, your self-esteem and self-respect could take a major hit. His hot/cold behavior will drive you crazy, distract you and steal your peace of mind. Don't allow this jerk to have such power in your life.

Best friend? No, best friends don't treat you this way. He doesn't want to date you right now, but doesn't want you to see others while you wait for him to get over this desire to be independent? Wow, what convenient, self-serving terms he wants you to accept. Never agree to them, and the next time he wants you to attend this or that or whatever, tell him you enjoy smart, sexy men-- not silly middle school boys. Wish him well and walk away with your head held high like a confident woman who knows what she wants -- and what she doesn't want, which is him in the form of the loser-jerk he has become.

Don't cast your pearls before swine, darlin'. You are worth so much more...guys like this can cause you not to believe that about yourself, though. Refuse him that opportunity by moving on. It may not be easy at first -- one day at a time -- but you will get there and you just don't know who might come around the corner three months from now. Don't miss seeing a prince because you still have eyes for a jester who is too blind to recognize and appreciate a great thing when she's standing right in front of him.

Take care of yourself. You'll be fine, you really will.

[FSUZeta]

Didn't like you going to socials and swaps.....spent all your time with each other.....doesn't want to be your boyfriend, but wants you to wait for him and not date other guys.....

He sounds like he is trying to control you. Don't let him!

Turn to your sisters and your sorority. They may be a little hesitant at first(because it sounds like your relationship with your boyfriend was a higher priority than your sorority) so cut your sisters some slack. Volunteer to be on a committee. Help plan a sisterhood event. Look at it this way.....if you put into your sorority the time and effort you devoted to your boyfriend, WOW! You are going to have one heck of a sorority experience...and it's not too late. Be strong. We are pulling for you!

[33girl]

Originally Posted by DZGA

he started smoking cigs

Oh, Heavens To Mergetroid!! Sorry, but I just find it amusing that this is something so horrid that she has to mention it.

As for the rest of it, this sounds like an a-hole boy spin on "it isn't something you become, it's something you've always been." He probably wanted to break up with you before but didn't feel strong enough to do it. Now that he has a support system, he can. Just let him go and hang on to your pride. Don't make it rougher for him or for you.

[thetalady]

Originally Posted by GammaGirl1908

I would say DTMFA, but he's already broken up with you. Take him at his word and do not expect him to come back.

May I edit this to say "...do not ALLOW him to come back." It is like taking that sour milk out of the fridge, hoping that it tastes good again.

We know how this feels... I bet most of us have been through it. Turn to your sisters for your next pep talk, when Loser Boy gets lonely and tries to turn you into his "late date."

[KillarneyRose]

Sweetie, you are too good for him. Someone who embraces every bad stereotype of fraternity life PLUS wants to control you? No thank you!

Be happy that he's not your boyfriend any longer and cut all ties with him. It'll be hard at first, but I think you'll be happy to be rid of him

[AlphaFrog]

If this were YA lit, I'd say he was turning into a vamp/werewolf/whatever's hot right now and he's going through his moody "I'm staying away for her own good phase".

But it's not. It's real life, and you can't play the stupid girl that makes all the wrong choices, yet everyone loves her and she wins at life in the end. You need to make smart choices for yourself, and take to heart what the women here have been saying.

And I obviously need to quit reading so much YA lit. After I finish this book....

[AnchorAlumna]

Originally Posted by thetalady

Move on. There really are better men out there. This one is not finished cooking.

I'm going to cross-stitch this and hang it on the wall. Kudos, thetalady!

[maconmagnolia]

Originally Posted by KillarneyRose

Sweetie, you are too good for him. Someone who embraces every bad stereotype of fraternity life PLUS wants to control you? No thank you!

Be happy that he's not your boyfriend any longer and cut all ties with him. It'll be hard at first, but I think you'll be happy to be rid of him

Amen!

This is what you have your sorority sisters for, support!

[DubaiSis]

I've heard that all women want at the end of a relationship is closure and all men want is NOT closure. If you understand this "men are from mars" difference, it will explain a lot and help you to move on. He needs to know he has a back up. You need to know it either is or is not on. It's not on. Have a ceremonial burning of his stuff, removal from the phone, deletion of friend from Facebook, all surrounded by good friends and sisters, and they'll be there to help when you want to back-slide.

[lovespink88]

Originally Posted by DZGA

I mean he said he wanted space but then said he wants us to date again, he doesn't want to do anything with anyone else and he expects the same from me.

Oh Lord, this hits home.

My HS boyfriend broke up with me right before college. He initiated it, thought it was for the best since we were going to different schools. So we broke up, but he continued to text/call, etc.

Come Thanksgiving he wants me back. Well...by then I had met my now husband. He knew this new guy was in my life and starting pitching fits that I shouldn't date him because I met him so quickly, and didn't give him (the ex) a second chance.

Long story short...after a painful (emotionally), dramatic freshman year full of arguments, control and intimidation, I FINALLY worked up the nerve to tell him I was going to be with my new boyfriend--he would have to accept that.

He bitched me out and stopped talking to me for months, but facing that conflict was worth very much worth it. I don't know why I let him dictate my life for so long.

This guy has absolutely no right to have a say in what you do from here on out (not that he should have been controlling your choices when you were together, either). He broke up with you. You are (and never were) his property. It is too damn bad he can't make up his mind, but he officially ended it and he now must live with that choice.

Move on. It will be very hard but you will be better off.

[Kelsium]

oh dear.
look, this is a good thing that happened to you. You never want to be in a relationship where you spend all your time together and put each other above all else (for the record, your boyfriend shouldn't be your best friend. Your best friend helps you deal with your boyfriend.) Space in a relationship is important. Having a life outside of the boyfriend is important. Use this time to develop a self so you never lose yourself in a relationship again.

[Kevin]

I just reread the OP. I'm concerned that some of your behavior, i.e., being exposed to abusive behavior and wanting to come back for more could lead to some very negative relationships in the future. I'm an attorney who often represents folks in domestic violence situations, so I'm somewhat familiar with the characteristics of women who might someday be victims of domestic violence and involved in a cycle of abuse. It may sound like I'm making mountains out of molehills, and maybe I'm off the mark, but consider this.

In addition to what the other posters are saying re: cutting the cord, I would also recommend some counseling for victims of domestic violence. The YWCA (probably in your area) should offer something like a 16-week course on this subject, or you might have something available through your university. You need to be able to recognize the warning signs of abuse and not fall into the cycle many folks find themselves in.

[ADPiEE]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

Buy the book 'He's Just Not that into You.' Seriously.. it will change your life.

That was my first thought too when I ready this post! I LOVE that book--it should be required reading in high school. I wish it would have been around when I was in college.

Think of this as a time to get more involved in your Sorority. Throw yourself into sorority life. If you've spent most of your time with you ex, you probably didn't spend that much time with your sisters. Now is your opportunity to make closer sorority friends.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by Kevin

I just reread the OP. I'm concerned that some of your behavior, i.e., being exposed to abusive behavior and wanting to come back for more could lead to some very negative relationships in the future.

To be fair, I think every girl has experienced this at some point. Being young and in love is hard, and many times, we don't realize that the great, warm, fuzzy feelings that we once got with our boyfriend could potentially be shared with someone else. We want to think that he can change.. and that it's just a phase.. and that we can fix him. Eventually you move on and come to understand that there are better guys out there and that it's worth it to start over with someone else.

Of course, some women don't come to those same conclusions, however, I wouldn't peg the OP as being one of them based simply on what she's posted... as a young woman who desperately wants things to work out with this guy when most likely they won't.

Again, I'm sure we've all been there, done that.