"the one chapter for me"

[h2oot]

Cougar wrote.... In a way I would like to go into it without all of the recommendations because I found out later by reading posts on here about some of the specific organizations that I was a legacy to and the individual chapters handled things all wrong.


I do not believe that the posts on Greekchat regarding a specific rush situation accurately reflects the reality of what happend. Generally, you get a one-sided opinion in the fog of the rush process, that is unsubstantiated and without insight into what is actually occuring within the sorority. Also, the PNM at the time is frequently under a lot of emotional stress.

[FuzzieAlum]

h200t, I have to say, that's why it makes me nervous when I read, "Oh, you'll be a wonderful addition to any chapter," or, "they're the ones missing out." People can represent themselves as anything on the Internet, and if even if they're not lying their self-perception may be very different than what others see in them. It happens in rush all the time that a rushee thinks she totally fits in with chapter XYZ, and the sisters don't feel that way at all and never will. Or she has this great background and happens to sleep with half the men on campus - which isn't the sort of thing a PNM would volunteer on GC.

I don't want to imply that everyone who posts here is lying or deluded, just that the possibility is there! There are of course plenty of wonderful people who for whatever reason don't get a bid, and without knowing someone personally, I don't want to be the one to judge. But I sometimes think that we ought to give the chapters a bit more credit. I'm sure if we think back to rushing we can all recall girls who wanted our chapter badly and who felt they were a natural for us, but who we turned down, and not because they were just too #11 on our bid list when quota was 10.

[justamom]

Well h2oot, since my daughter goes to the same school you do-
And I posted about her rush and I'm a Mom-
Are you refering to me? If so, I can't imagine what I wrote that fits your post.

Not angry or defensive, just wondering.

[33girl]

Cougar might also have been referring to Panhellenic messups (like CutiePie 2000's icky bad experience) in which case, the chapter is only doing what its school panhellenic tells them to do. Whether it is the right thing may not always be the case.

I see what you are saying about not getting someone's hopes up - not to mention the "sorority rushees" could be 58 year old men for all we know. But I really don't think someone is going to say "I know I will get a bid because 33girl said I had a cool signature!" We're showing a big part of Greek life which is being supportive of other Greeks and prospective Greeks.

[h2oot]

JAM, I love your message posts. Keep 'em coming.

[justamom]

I will keep my "gloves" on!

[kristiAZD]

In the past, my school tried to keep girls from suiciding. My school is small, with 4 sororities, and they all appeal to different people. In my mind, you should go where you fel comfortable. Don't put a name on your bid card if you just want to be greek but don't quite feel the most comfortable there. This year we adoptd to let girls suicide if they feel that's the ONLY place they would accept a bid from. Being a Rho Chi, I was asked by girls what they should put down on their card. I told them to only put down the sororities that they would accept bids from. If it was all 4, fine. If it was 1, that's fine too. If they had put down a sorority that they didn't want to pledge and turned down that bid, they wouldn't be able to rush again for a year.

I do know the flip side to this though.....I had to go visit 2 girls in my group and tell them they did not recieve bids because they weren't high enough on the list. One ended up getting a snap bid to her second choice.....unfortunately her first choice was my chapter. Let me tell you I felt like crap.

[carnation]

Originally posted by justamom
FuzzieAlum, I can only speak about my daughter's experience and I think a lot of it boils down to the individual. Most of the girls were fresh out of HS and approached rush with expectations that a similar "reward" system to existed in college. Remember, all it took was a pleasant personality, good grades and attractveness on some level to be a part of the social scene. Someone pointed out that almost every girl going though rush had these qualities to some degree. I know most of her friends expected to be sought after by ALL the sororities unaware that so many variables like the number of girls/legacies/friends/quota etc. would have a major impact on the outcome. GC helped her (and me) come to terms with the competitive nature of rush. She was prepared for the very real possibility of NOT getting a bid from any of the sororities. I don't think enough rushees realize this. How do you inform them without breaking their confidence? (Which I believe is a VERY important quality to have during rush)

I just had lunch with one of the mothers of a girl who was a legacy and CUT. It was the first time we have "talked" since it happened. I think she was more devistated than her daughter. To be honest, I STILL can't figure out the WHY when I see who they did pledge from our area... ANYWAY-not only did she think/know she would be an XYZ, she felt certain she would have her choice of the "top" sororities because a "friend" all but told her she was in. She ended up droping out after the second round.

Now compare that to my daughter. She went in with NO expectation, only hopes. Yes, she was cut by one she REALLY liked, but was more like, "Oh, well" when others cut her. She did have the "luxuary" of cutting as well. She was carried farther by all the sororities than her friends-and I believe this too helped on the confidence level. So, since this really was a saga, let me just say for months, I stressed "GREEK" as opposessed to "a" sorority and gently tried to inform her she could get cut across the board. Did being prepared for the worst and happy with what she found make a difference? I tend to think so. She is one of those lucky ones who honestly CAN'T see herself anywhere else.

As more of my daughters begin to rush, I hope I can gently but honestly get this across to them. I think much of the heartbreak of rush in the South is caused by unrealistic expectations which are sometimes, unfortunately, exacerbated by rush booklets that give PNMs the idea rush will be this happy time of choosing where you fit in best.

The older I get, the more honesty I want in life. I think that all Panhellenics need to lay their cards out on the table in the pre-rush meetings and let the girls know that they very well may get a bid from their dream chapter, from some other one--or none.

[FuzzieAlum]

I guess I agree that after going through rush with an open mind, if a girl only really wants one house, that's the only place she should put down. I was thinking more about girls who go into rush insisting they want XYZ (or who feel that way after one party). Like a chapter puts on a killer, dazzling party that makes the girl think - "I'd like to be a part of that" - not, "Would I find my true friends there?"

There were girls at my school whose rush thinking went like, "Well, I don't want to live on south side, so I won't rush Sigma Psi. And Alpha Xi Delta doesn't have a house. I don't like the Phi Mu house, so it's only AChiO or A Phi ... and the A Phis are bigger, so they must be better. That's the only chapter I really want." (Or some other variation thereof.) And this was before they went to a single rush party.

[Tom Earp]

AHA the total rub of of the Question!

While all Internationals are Great, Each individual Chapter is Totally Different!

I have repeated this so many times!

[justamom]

FuzzieAlum-I think there are TONS of PNMs who are EXACTLY the way you describe. I don't think their minds are open to all the sororities. Nothing I can think of would change that. I agree with Carnation-honesty is the best policy. GC is really carrying out that responsibility when people state the "truths" we all are too familiar with...great girls get cut or end up in houses they initially didn't want sometimes they just drop out. It's just sad that unless these young girls stumble on to a site like this, they go into recruitment with "rose colored glasses". I think it hurts WORSE when reality blindsides you.

[mmcat]

You go....JAM
mmcat

[KDHoney]

When I joined my sorority, we were a local organization and there was no real formal recruitment. I did, however, look at all the groups on campus and decided that this group was the only one for me. If I had had to fill out a bid card, it would have been my first and only choice. Suiciding is a good option for those people who are looking for not just a Greek life experience, but an experience in a place where they feel they truly fit. If that's only one group, that's only one group. We talk a lot about feeling "at home" in our respective groups...by taking away the option of suiciding, you may force someone into a situation where they don't really feel at home.
Jen Gardner
Kappa Delta
Eta Gamma Chapter, John Carroll University

[carnation]

JAM--you're so right about the rose-colored glasses. I waltzed into rush totally unaware of how selective it is in the SEC. I had no clue that 75% of the other rushees had tons of friends in the sororities already or that juniors, no matter how fabulous their grades and activities might be, were not what most of the sororities wanted. I saw so many girls get cut who would've been very desirable at smaller schools.

How I wish I'd had a Greekchat to come to before I rushed--because it's rougher when you go in unaware and full of excitement and innocent confidence!

[justamom]

I find this thread so facinating and the exchange is terrific-

One thing that occured to me is the role some parents play in all of this. I myself had a similar attitude until I learned my daughter's university did not have a chapter representing my soro.

A lot of Moms assume because their daughter is a legacy she is "in". I see it on these boards when parents refer to their little XYZ legcies.(I DID THE SAME THING but am very careful now since my son IS a legacy to a fraternity on campus) I keep coming back to the example of the girls who were cut because they exemplify this situation. Hubby was talking to the parents of one and asked if their daughter was excited and nervous about rush. The response was..."Well, she IS a legacy." So from day one, this child was "assured" of a spot because the parents fed this to her. I too told my daughter when she was young..."You're a legacy to AXO" I may be wrong, but seems to me each year the number of "legacies" must be increasing. It also seems like these would be the very girls with a stronger interest in recruitment. Parents, kids, all need to know there is no guarantee...it would be illogical-unless you want to end up with sororities that are comprised of NOTHING but legacies. It's a very hard pill to swollow when you get cut under these circumstances and chances are, these are the girls that become the stongest detractors, NOT the girls who had zero expectations.(Carnation, you triggered this thought!) I don't have an answer...maybe in the intro meeting (but that seems way to late) or the original sign up for recruitment, perhaps the booklet. I really believe it is imperative ESPECIALLY in the larger,more competative Greek systems. I really beleive these girls have not only th need, bt the RIGHT to know.

Carnation wrote-I think much of the heartbreak of rush in the South is caused by unrealistic expectations which are sometimes, unfortunately, exacerbated by rush booklets that give PNMs the idea rush will be this happy time of choosing where you fit in best.
I would add "parents' misconceptions" as well. For this particular rant. LOL! (Joke to KilarneyRose)

When I did my searches this summer, I came across very few university sites that strongly worded the legacy policy. More Greek sites should follow suit.