Need advice for fitting into chapter

FirePaint · #1 12-17-2012, 11:03 PM

Hey everyone! I'm stuck in a bit of a dilemma and just can't figure out what to do. I was initiated into my sorority (I don't want any bad reputations to get out, so I'll leave it anonymous) last December, so including my new member period, I've been a part of this sorority for a year and a half.

When I was joining a sorority, I knew I wanted to get lifelong friendships out of it. And when I found the sorority I felt most at home with, I hoped I would be able to develop those lifelong friendships.

But there isn't a single girl in the chapter that I even text. I occasionally go out to dinner with my roommate (we live in the house), but that's really it.

My big transferred to another school out of state at the end of last school year, and she only spoke to me once on my birthday since. Even before then, we were never really close. I made the mistake of taking a little this semester. Don't get me wrong, she's a great girl, but I feel like I've screwed up her chances in the sorority, like I'm a failure of a big sister.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to drop, but I don't feel welcome or at home in this chapter anymore. I live in the house, which is a complete and utter nightmare, and I go to events when I can, but I've had a lot of family issues the past two semesters, and I have to go home an hour and a half every weekend to work, so I can't go to anything on weekends.

I'm staying with the chapter at least next semester, since I live in the house and there's no way out of the least. And honestly, I'd rather not drop. But I don't know how to associate with any of my sisters. All I've ever heard them talk about is parties and alcohol (I have never been to a party, and I do not drink alcohol). I don't feel like I have anything in common with them and don't know how to associate with them.

I see the friendships girls in my pledge class have formed, but I just can't seem to form them myself, and I'm out of ideas on what to do. Does anyone have any suggestions of what to try, or if I should really begin to consider dropping after next semester...?

Thanks everyone,
Jo

33girl · #2 12-18-2012, 12:02 AM

If you go home every single weekend, you are going to miss out on a LOT of the informal bonding that goes on.

Don't the house sisters sit around and watch Gossip Girl or whatever together? It's hard for me to believe that ALL they do is drink and party.

Have people asked you to go to parties with them? You don't have to drink. (Most college students who do choose to drink have figured out that if someone else doesn't drink, there is more for them, so they could care less if someone doesn't drink.) When you invite someone to go out with you out of wanting to make friends and they flat turn you down, it isn't going to help you like the person.

If you aren't there on weekends, and you don't associate with anyone except at required events, it's going to be hard for you. You have to make more of an effort when you are there, if the weekend thing is something you absolutely can't alter.

Of course, if you don't want to try or change in the least, you should probably drop now and see if someone who would like to live in the house can sublet from you.

FirePaint · #3 12-18-2012, 12:10 AM

I'm not sure if anyone sits around and watches TV - I never really hear anybody, since I'm on the top floor, so I'm honestly not sure. I know some of them have jobs, so they do more than just drink and party, but all I ever hear them talk about is what happened at parties or what guys they saw last or whatever.

No, I've never been asked to go to a party. I've been invited out to dinner with some of my sisters a couple of times, but it's been really awkward every time. I have a hard time being able to make small talk with them.

I've looked into a sublease, but our house isn't full, and the only way to get a sublease is for it to be full.

Next semester I'll be required to stay on campus an extra day, since I'm taking a Friday class, but it depends on how my finances work out if I have to go home or not every weekend. It doesn't help that I want to go home more than I want to be at school, since my fiance is at home.

preciousjeni · #4 12-18-2012, 12:45 AM

With a fiance drawing your attention, it sounds like you may be halfway checked out to begin with. Are you making the sorority a priority in your life? If not, you're not going to get as much out of the experience.

It also sounds like you're staying holed up in your room if you don't know what folks are watching on tv. If you spend more time socializing, you'll find yourself with more opportunities to get out of the house with the group.

If you're an introvert, don't worry. A lot of us are. It just means you have to try a little harder to put yourself out there.

If it's not worth it to put forth the effort, get out sooner than later.

FirePaint · #5 12-18-2012, 12:50 AM

No, it's not really a priority in my life at this point, what with my fiance, family issues, and me trying to focus on my academics.

I'm not really sure how to start socializing. I'd like to, I don't like being so lonely here, but I'm not sure how to go about initiating conversations.

33girl · #6 12-18-2012, 01:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FirePaint

I'm not really sure how to start socializing. I'd like to, I don't like being so lonely here, but I'm not sure how to go about initiating conversations.

"How was class?"

"I like those shoes, where'd you get them?"

Umm....just anything random. The fact that you have to ask us kind of says it all. Unless you've done something to really tick your sisters off or unless you were accidentally given a bid for the wrong group, I have trouble envisioning an entire houseful of women who won't engage in a conversation with you. Are they aware that you have family issues and have to work, or do you just scurry out of the house the minute the weekend begins? I assure you that some of them have SOME similiar situations.

But at any rate...I don't think that is going to help at this point. I agree with pj that between fiance, job at home and everything else that you could or couldn't control, it seems like you didn't ever put very much into the sorority...and as we all know, what you put in is what you get out. There are plenty of girls who have jobs at home, boyfriends at home and still manage to have a good sorority experience. It just doesn't sound like you are able to put forth the effort to do so at this time.

Even if you do terminate from the sorority, it sounds like you need to work on your socialization skills. Unless you're going to be a stonecutter or something where ability trumps personality every time, you're probably going to be in situations where you're going to have to attend parties that might not be your cup of tea, talk to people you have nothing in common with, and not rely on your fiance/husband.

FirePaint · #7 12-18-2012, 01:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

"How was class?"

"I like those shoes, where'd you get them?"

Umm....just anything random. The fact that you have to ask us kind of says it all. Unless you've done something to really tick your sisters off or unless you were accidentally given a bid for the wrong group, I have trouble envisioning an entire houseful of women who won't engage in a conversation with you. Are they aware that you have family issues and have to work, or do you just scurry out of the house the minute the weekend begins? I assure you that some of them have SOME similiar situations.

But at any rate...I don't think that is going to help at this point. I agree with pj that between fiance, job at home and everything else that you could or couldn't control, it seems like you didn't ever put very much into the sorority...and as we all know, what you put in is what you get out. There are plenty of girls who have jobs at home, boyfriends at home and still manage to have a good sorority experience. It just doesn't sound like you are able to put forth the effort to do so at this time.

Even if you do terminate from the sorority, it sounds like you need to work on your socialization skills. Unless you're going to be a stonecutter or something where ability trumps personality every time, you're probably going to be in situations where you're going to have to attend parties that might not be your cup of tea, talk to people you have nothing in common with, and not rely on your fiance/husband.

No, they are aware that I have to work, and they are all aware of my family issues as well. And I have said little things like that here and there, but all I get is, "Class was good," or, "Thanks."

On top of this, they rarely initiate any conversations with me either.

I do have friends, he's not the only person I talk to, and I have socialization skills. My problem is, I don't feel a connection with these girls that I used to.

And one thing I forgot to mention - I've also mentally limited myself from going to certain events. Whenever my sorority has a mixer/social with a fraternity, I make sure to come up with a reason for not going. I know this hinders my ability to bond with my sisters, but I was raped by a guy who is in a fraternity my first semester of college, and I'm terrified of running into him. There are other events that I do go to, but I only go to events where it's either Greek-wide or just my sorority because of this.

33girl · #8 12-18-2012, 02:13 AM

That is ONE fraternity. No one would blame you for skipping that mixer. But all of them? (I assume you do know the name of the actual fraternity that he was/is in.) Fraternities don't go to each other's mixers, that's the whole point. If he was in XYZ fraternity, he's not going to show up at the ABC mixer. If just the thought of men in ANY fraternity makes you that scared, you definitely should look into some counseling.

You've closed yourself off in so many ways, it's no wonder that you have a problem connecting with people.

FirePaint · #9 12-18-2012, 02:16 AM

I am in counseling.

And that's the thing - I know I've closed myself off, but I don't know how to give my sisters a chance before I drop. I don't want to drop and regret it later. I want to really give it a genuine chance, but I just don't know how to go about it.

33girl · #10 12-18-2012, 02:50 AM

That's one of the things your counselor should be addressing with you.

FirePaint · #11 12-18-2012, 02:52 AM

Well, she's not. Which is why I came here, just looking for some suggestions on how to open up to my sisters.

FSUZeta · #12 12-18-2012, 08:07 AM

How terrible that you were raped. I am so sorry that happened.

It is good that you are working with a counselor. Be persistant if you feel there is an issue that she/he is not addressing-like the fact that you have closed yourself off from your sorority sisters. Do you have any close female friends on campus?

AOII Angel · #13 12-18-2012, 08:46 AM

Im sorry that you were raped. Greekchat isn't a place for you to come for counseling, though. We can't advise you on this stuff because you have mixed all of it up with the incident your freshman year. Bring your lack of relationships with your sisters and inability to attend mixers up with your counselor and see what she advises. We don't want to give you bad advise that conflicts with what you are being advised by professionals. Good luck. I know it is hard to open up after such a big trauma.

AZTheta · #14 12-18-2012, 09:16 AM

You've gotten excellent advice from my (and your) Panhellenic sisters. You may not get many responses on this thread, because the advice thus far is so spot-on, and we do not want to interfere with the professional with whom you're working.

Please know this: we do care, and we are here, waiting and wishing you well.

DeltaBetaBaby · #15 12-18-2012, 12:17 PM

Are meals served in the house? Who do you eat lunch/dinner with? Do you have a sisterhood chairman or something? I know that we had someone who actually planned events like "watch Dawson's Creek" (showing my age on that one?) or "paint our nails".