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  #1  
Old 01-09-2003, 03:24 PM
AOX81 AOX81 is offline
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The following are columns written by one of my friends...

In an age where we’re on the brink of making hydrogen powered cars affordable and available to the public, an age where computers are capable of four gigahertz of processing power, an age where sports cars can make 405 horsepower with a pushrod engine and get 28 miles to a gallon of gasoline on the highway, I’m convinced that as a society, we’ve never been dumber. You wouldn’t think so. You’d think that, as time has passed, overall carnal knowledge would have increased as exponentially as our technical and scientific capabilities. Well, guess what? You’d be wrong. Here’s why: people are more gullible today than they’ve ever been in all the years of there being people.
If, in 1955, you put an advertisement on television, selling a pill that was guaranteed to make you lose 15 pounds in two days, people would laugh uproariously. They would be so dubious as to its potential that you would go out of business in less than six months. Fast-forward 48 years to 2003. Now all you have to do is say that the pills have been used for over 30 years in Europe and that they’re doctor recommended, and you’ll be selling 30 cases an hour for the low, low price of $49.95 plus shipping and handling. Plus, if they call right now, you can even throw in some worthless kitchen gadget that The Sharper Image wouldn’t even touch. “It slices, it dices, it chops, it minces, it covers embarrassing bald spots and it even reminds to you take your diet pills! It’s the new Veggie-Shooter from Cunt-Co!” You get the idea.
The “European Secret” method also works with creams, lotions, and anything else chicks could buy at Bath & Body works. Why? Because chicks are vain and they’re gullible. They want to believe that a cream can remove fat from their thighs faster than them putting down the chips, getting off the couch and going for a fucking walk. Want to know the truth about those creams? They contain the same drugs used to dilate bronchial passages in people who suffer from asthma. For whatever reason, when rubbed on your skin, they just tell the body to put the fat somewhere else. So, while your woman is out dropping your hard-earned dollars on these creams to make her ass look less like cottage cheese and more like two fine hams, be prepared to be kissing an extra chin good night. Again, people are stupid.
My personal favorite advertising scheme that people fall for is the NASA method. This works with everything from sunglasses to mattresses. I saw an advertisement today for “the only mattress officially recognized by NASA.” Wow. When you press your hand on it, and then remove it, your handprint stays there for a second and half. Some genius made a mattress out of foam. Fucking foam, you idiots! And what the fuck does NASA do with foam mattresses? Astronauts sleep in sleeping bags that are strapped into harnesses because there’s no fucking gravity in outer space. But you could sell a chest freezer to an Eskimo by saying that it was made with technology pioneered by NASA on the Apollo missions. “Jim Lovell’s sunglasses were made from this material and it has only recently become available to the buying public. Act now and we’ll throw in amber lenses for night driving, safety-coated clear lenses to block UV rays on cloudy days, and deep tinted lenses for that ‘ultra-cool’ look. But that’s not all; we’ll also throw in a clip for your sun visor, two carrying cases and a shiny black dildo with no lube to stick in your ass once you’re on all of our mailing lists! All for the low, low price of two payments of $19.95 plus shipping and handling. Don’t like the sunglasses? Well you can return them, no questions asked and keep the free black dildo!”
In the end, there will always be stupid people. People will always buy Japanese garbage over safe, high quality, fuel efficient, powerful American cars. People will always buy worthless shit from the Home Shopping Network (my neighbor is a big-time customer, she’s even been on the air over the phone talking about how much she loves their crap). And worst of all, people will always buy stuff because it’s been a European secret or because NASA supposedly endorses it. How can we protect ourselves? Keep your woman away from your money. Most of them don’t know a diet pill from a birth control pill and almost all of them are too lazy to actually get off their asses and workout; they’d rather wait for some miracle pill to save them from cottage cheese come bathing suit season.
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ALPHA THETA CHI - FOUNDED 1989 / BETA NU 1996 letters4life letters4lifetoo
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Old 01-09-2003, 03:25 PM
AOX81 AOX81 is offline
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Holiday breaks are great. What all of this time off has done for me besides keeping me from refilling my bank accounts and giving me a reason to not go to the gym (at all) is that it has allowed me to keep up on current events. Today I got online to check my spam, er, e-mail, and in my AOL welcome window I saw a brief pop-up of something quite disturbing: hippies and the damage they can cause when they get temporarily bored with smoking pot and hugging trees.
Apparently, some members of a loosely organized group that calls themselves the Earth Liberation Front decided to go ahead and torch a pick-up truck and two SUV’s at a Girard, Pennsylvania car dealership. And, in typical hippie fashion, they did a really shitty job. According to FBI reports, jugs of gasoline positioned underneath the trucks caused the fires. Six were supposed to burn and only 3 did, plus a nearby car. This just proves that these rod-munchers could throw a brick at the floor and miss. Not only that, but while they managed to stop a whopping 3 trucks from ever creating damaging green house gases again, they managed to pollute the air just the same by burning several hundred pounds of rubber and plastic. So, how does one become a member of this destructive, retarded orangutan hippie club? Well, that’s the easy part. According to the FBI, all you have to do is commit an act of eco-terrorism and claim it in the name of the Earth Liberation Front. Wow. I think there was more involved when I joined the fucking LEGO Builder’s Club when I was six. Plus LEGO sent me a membership certificate. I’m sure the hippies would do the same except they’d weave your certificate out of hemp, rather than sacrifice a helpless tree.
The essential problem is simple: hippies are dumb. They fail to realize that environment-saving steps have to be implemented slowly and as the public is ready for them. States like California (a true liberal’s playground) are pushing harder and harder for automobile manufacturers to lower emissions and to have a certain percentage of their sales made up of electric and hybrid vehicles. Great idea. Except the majority of the buying public doesn’t want an electric car. I know I sure don’t. Remember the EV1? Yeah, the electric car that GM sold for four years, starting in the mid nineties, and then killed because no one bought them. If manufacturers are forced to reduce emissions from SUV’s and trucks, one of two things will happen. One: the already exorbitant prices of these vehicles will go through the roof. Two: we’ll get to revisit the seventies and drive vehicles that are deprived of power and choked by emissions controls. Hell, both of these events may occur. And as soon as you reduce the power of a truck, or stab an electric engine in it, it loses all usefulness as a truck. Where I grew up, trucks are run harder and put away more wet than a 10-cent hooker. The body panels get scratched and beat in. The beds are full of scars from chains, firewood, rocks and garden tools. They are required to tow and haul more than GM, Ford and Dodge ever even consider safely rating them for. And they are required to put with all of this without a whimper and without fault. With alternatively fueled vehicles still a few years out, the world needs to stick with the gasoline-powered internal combustion engine for its combustion efficiency and for its power.
If states like California are able to pass such strict emissions laws, American auto manufacturers will be hurt worse than a Chinese buffet after a visit from Oprah. People outside of Michigan don’t often realize what a great role the Big Three play in everyone’s lives. General Motors directly employs over 350,000 people. Add to that employees of spin-offs Delphi and EDS and all of its various and sundry suppliers and you’re talking about a lot of jobs in this country. In the words of former GM lobbyist Tom Kay, “General Motors wouldn’t be doing anyone any favors by going out of business.”
Hippies hate capitalism and they hate that people spend large sums of money on lavish sport utility vehicles when they could be driving a little pussy Honda Insight, singing Kum-By-Fucking-Yah, and donating their spare gas money towards saving some spotted, red-breasted, bug-eyed, green-assed bird that lives near the ski-areas in Vail. What their tiny little hippie brains prevent them from realizing is that every time they burn a truck, or burn a ski lodge, or push everyone in the state of California to drive a Prius, they are shooting the country they’re working so hard to save right in the goddamn foot. To all the eco-terrorist, hippie tree-huggers out there, I have this to say: don’t set foot near my truck with a jug of gasoline or you’ll get a chance to personally ask Jesus what he would drive.
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Old 01-09-2003, 05:36 PM
Imthechamp Imthechamp is offline
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You'd have to pay me a few bucks to read all that.
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Old 01-09-2003, 06:43 PM
cuaphi cuaphi is offline
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Honestly, the writer of this strikes me as angry, misogynistic ("Keep your woman away from your money?????" Excuse me, is this the 50's?) and politically along the same lines as Ted Nugent. It was interesting though.
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