bad friend?

[AlethiaSi]

ok.. this might be a bit long.... i met my friend nicole in high school- and we really weren't friends at all until my freshman year of college and we became friends through a mutual friend.... we stayed close- going on trips and stuff like that- but she was always drama though- she was that girl that was alwyqas getting into fights- and causing problems- she didn't get along with her parents- and liked to drink a lot- plus she had major problems with her crazy ex-boyfriend (so she said) but we always got along- and we respected each other....
she had just graduated from the culinary institute near me- and had spent her externship in las vegas- she had met a guy out there- and he was offering to fly both of us out there to visit- so we went- and we were having a great time- until a friend of aarons came aorund and though she was supposed to be with aaron- she got really wasted and accused me of trying to get with the friend.. long story short- she went completely crazy- stole aarons car- and he had to call the cops on her.... she has a history of anger problems and mental disease in her family- the cops made her get a plane and leave- she threatened me and was just horrible- she also cancelled my plane ticket to get home... then she called me a few days later and was like- this is your fault- and blamed the whole thing on me... luckily my mom bought my ticket home- and i talked to her a few times-

but nicole couldn't understand why i was being so cold to her... hmm takes a genius doesn't it? so i went back to school- and didn't really talk to her that much- one day she called me and she had gotten kicked out of her house- and was like i need a place to stay..... against the wishes of my mom and all my friends... i let her stay with me for like 5 days while at school.... i had a lot of stuff going on... it was homecoming weekend and i had a lot of rush stuff going on sicne i was rush chair and we had pledging starting soon- i was really busy- and i told her that i had commitments and i couldn't just blow them off to be with her all the time.... so one night we had a party at my house (not my sorority house- i lived with 7 guys and another girl) and she got reallllyyyy wasted and locked the guy that i was completely in love with in MY bathroom and tried to make out with him (yes she knew that i really liked this guy)....

i walked in on them kissing- and i freaked out- i was like i can't bleiev eyou would do this- i open up my house to you and this is how you repay me- so she created a massive scene in front of all my friends who were trying to get her to leave- luckily one of my best friends was there- and she tried to calm me down.... all the sudden we realize that nicki isn't there- she walked out and she didn't know my neighborhood at all- so we all walked over the neighborhood looking for her b/c it was like 2 am....

i stayed at my best friends house- and i came back in the morning b/c we had sorority stuff going on- and she was sleeping in my bed- i couldn't even deal with her then- so i left and came back a few hours latre- i found her on my computer writing me an letter- and i had like 4 of my girls with me and all my boys were there-i told her that she had to leave- and i said that i never wanted to talk to her again.... so like 20 mins later she left (she had her car there)... i read the email and it basically told me that i had a guy problems and that it was my fault that this stuff happened....i was just appalled... but of course- i felt guilty- my friends said htat this wasn't the case and told me to forget about her

i couldn't just forget about her though- i felt awful about the whole thing and i am still really upset by it- and its almost a year later.....

then my mom called me and told me that nicole called my house and said that her mom had passed away... i was pretty good friends of the family... so i was shocked- she wasn't sick or anything..... i checked the obituaries... and its true- but it doesn't say what happened.... i am going to send a card... but i feel terrible- i would never wish this upon anyone.....

i guess what i'm trying to ask is... should i feel this guilty about no tbeing there for her..? im not going to be back in the states for another month- so i obviously missed the funeral and stuff.... am i in the wrong..? should i call her..??

thanks everyone.... sorry this was so long...

[Lady Pi Phi]

It doesn't hurt to call and give her your condolences, but I would leave it at that. Don't talk about the past, don't chat like you're friends.

[ShootingStar]

you shouldn't feel guilty, i've kinda been in the same situation and yes its hard especially when they put a guilt trip on you but just remember that your better off without that person...if your really feel the need then yeah call her, but as Lady Pi Phi said don't talk about the past, or chat like friends.

[BobbyTheDon]

oh crap.

hey, i am sorry. after re-reading your post for a 3rd time, I realized my post was totally immature and uncalled for.

I will try to get my post removed...but if it can't I hope you guys just ignore it!

this time around, i read that her mom had died. man that sucks. yes, like lady pi phi said, send your condolences. but just leave it at that.

[Kevin]

Friendship should be a give/take relationship.

If someone's doing all the giving and the other's doing all the taking, that's not friendship.

Sounds like this girl's behavior has cost her all of her friends and now she's lonely. Hate to sound callous, but she is reaping what she has sewn. I'd send a card about the mother, for old time's sake.

As far as the guilt, if anyone should feel guilt, it's her. She sounds like she may be suffering from some kind of chemical imbalance, maybe she needs psychological help. If you want to be her friend, the best thing for her is a little tough love. Make her go get help.

If you don't want any contact with her, I wouldn't blame you at all. It's her that should feel guilty for the way she's treated you, not the other way around.

[valkyrie]

Ohhhh giiiirl, I understand your situation!

My best friend from college was also high drama all the time and I finally cut her off after being physically threatened by her then boyfriend who is now her husband. She sent me an email about a year or two after that, and I never responded. It's been about seven years since I spoke to her, and it was difficult but I realized that a friendship, as ktsnake said, is supposed to be a give and take relationship, and this wasn't and never would be.

No, you should absolutely not feel guilty.

[wishinhopin]

I've been in a similar, but not nearly as bad, situation. A friend of mine (one of my absolute best friends) just dropped me out of the blue. Wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't explain what happened to make her not like me anymore, no nothing. So I had to move on, but it was so frustrating to just let go. Anyway, about six months after all of that, I found out that her father had passed away. It was a totally unexpected car accident, and I can't imagine the grief she was dealing with. So I ended up dropping off a card for her, along with her favorite candy. In the card, I told her that I didn't presume that she would want to talk to me right now, but if she needed a shoulder to cry on, I would be there. For me, knowing how close we once were meant that I had to do something for my own peace of mind. That being said...this girl is a shitty friend. Maybe it's because she has severe problems and needs extensive counseling (which I think is a definite yes), but that doesn't give her the right to so take advantage of your kindness. If the situation is really bugging you, then send her a card. Do it because you have compassion and you're a good person, do it because you need the closure or peace of mind yourself, do it for whatever if you feel like it needs to be done. But if not, then don't trip on it at all. You've put in so many hours trying to help this girl already, that you're totally justified in keeping your distance. I don't know if that helped, but I hope it was at least a little useful.

[AlethiaSi]

thank you guys so much.... i've definately been feeling conflicted about the situation... so even though i know that i shouldn't feel so guilty- its just in my nature i suppose to do so anyway. I found out that she passed away from a sudden heart attack... which is pretty crazy... but it does happen... hits too close to home too.

i'm having a friend of mine from high school get her address for me so I can send a card... I think its the right thing to do...

wishinhopin- i know waht you mean about a friend dropping you out of the blue too- one of my best friends for like 6 years called me up last spring and said that she didn't want to be friends with me anymore... it was pretty devastating and i really haven't gotten over it. In some ways I felt like a "break up" you know- i shared my life with her for so long... and then she didn't want to be around anymore? it was just bizarre... and mean too... i'm sorry that happened to you though- its pretty difficult...