advice needed

chideltjen · #1 11-14-2002, 01:19 AM

ok so i have another dating problem for you to read. it's more of a vent but any advice would be greatly appreciated too.

So way back in august I met this guy. Awesome person to talk to, respectful, funny, talented, has similar interests, same major, musician, and of course... HOT! We dated casually for about a month. I thought this guy was too good to be true and thought things were gonna get serious. However in September, he told me he had started dating someone else and gave me the 'lets just be friends' speech. I was hurt of course.
Now days I am still very good friends with him but still have a large crush on him. He never mentions that he is dating someone else or that he has a girlfriend so i began to wonder if he still had one. And I can't imagine when he would have the time for one in his busy schedule. He does a lot of favors for me and even things that I wouldn't expect him to do. (Like completely edit a scholarship essay and then sit down and talk to me about it.)

My problem is since he is a musician, he is playing a show in about 2 weeks. He invited me to go along with some of my other graphic design friends and told me to bring lots of people. I really love his music and want to go and support him. However, if he has a girlfriend, she is bound to be there too. And hopefully others can agree, if you see your crush/guy you dated/ex/whatever with another person, you get jealous. And knowing how I am, I usually either get really emotional, won't stop staring, or will just start talking trash.
I would like to bring up my problem to him but I don't know how without making things weird between us. My assumption is that he thinks that I am over him and to go and tell him that I would be jealous of him and his gf because I still like him might throw an unwanted curve. And the real problem is that I don't even know if he is dating another girl. So I may be just freaking out for nothing.

What's a girl to do?

SATX*APhi · #2 11-14-2002, 01:34 AM

If you went and he had a girlfriend, most likely she'd be there. You could then find out for sure if he does or doesn't have a girlfriend. If he does have a girlfriend and she's there, and that makes you feel uncomfortable, you could always leave. Just make sure to tell the friends you are going with about the situation before you all go.

Best of luck!

Rudey · #3 11-14-2002, 01:40 AM

I actually don't know too many guys that talk about having a girlfriend to another girl. If I called up the bagillion girls I've been interested in and told them I was taken, there would be a whole new set of rules to deal with.

Either way he wanted to end the relationship. Does it matter if he did it because of another girl or not?

Now I don't think you should analyze what he does for you to see if he's interested in you. I think you should take it for face value and realize a friend does those things. If, however, your feelings make it difficult to have a friendship you should just let him know and then move on.

-Rudey
--And by moving on, I mean appearing in a Girls Gone Wild video tape or something perhaps...mmm wild girls.

Hootie · #4 11-14-2002, 01:53 AM

Yeah, I agree! Friends are friends and if he gave that speech and he does have a girlfriend then what more is there to do? It's obvious there is something between them if he chose to be with her. The best way you can come out on top in this situation is to act like it doesn't bother you at all and that his happiness is great (hopefully that's true regardless).
I know that here in two weeks I'll be confessing my adoration for my guy friend that I dated four years ago but the timing was off. We flirt like mad but I'm not sure how the boundaries are...like if it's okay to start up a relationship.
Friends often do things and we recognize them as "more" because we have crushes on them...when in fact they may not be "more". Hope you follow me!

Best thing to do is go with idea of having a good time and supporting a friend. If you can't handle it when you get there then leave...but don't be telling your mutual friends why. That'll only make it worse!

SATX*APhi · #5 11-14-2002, 05:21 AM

When I said, "Just make sure to tell the friends you are going with about the situation before you all go," I didn't mean give them the history of what's going on. I meant that you should let them know that you may decide to not stay for the entire show. Some friends may want to stay for the full show and decide to go in a separate vehicle.

Hope I am making sense.

chideltjen · #6 12-01-2002, 01:42 PM

Alright so my friend's/man of my dreams show was last night. It was AWESOME! He had about a half hour set and it was amazing to hear him sing live.

And good news... no girlfriend present.

In fact, I was one of 4 people there to support him, that he actually knew. (I brought friends along in case.) But it was a bit of a sigh of relief when the girl he was sitting with when i walked in was just a friend of his.

So now that I know he is single... should I talk to him about things?

SATX... IM me sometime!...

Optimist Prime · #7 12-01-2002, 11:45 PM

Chi DeltJen, I say go for it, connect four. It might work out.

chopper816 · #8 12-01-2002, 11:51 PM

im sure youve heard the saying youll never know unless you try. go for it! if it doesnt work out then at least youll know, itll suck if it doesnt work, but its better to know than to torment yourself for a long time wondering whats going to happen or if he likes you and so on!

James · #9 12-02-2002, 12:21 AM

I wouldn't talk to him about it at all. Talk confuses us guys. Just set out to seduce him.

Look good, be in a situation where you both have had a couple drinks and just kiss him a few times and see where it leads.

If he is responsive you win. If he is freaked you can blame it on the alcohol so you can both save face.

Quote:

Originally posted by chideltjen
Alright so my friend's/man of my dreams show was last night. It was AWESOME! He had about a half hour set and it was amazing to hear him sing live.

And good news... no girlfriend present. In fact, I was one of 4 people there to support him, that he actually knew. (I brought friends along in case.) But it was a bit of a sigh of relief when the girl he was sitting with when i walked in was just a friend of his.

So now that I know he is single... should I talk to him about things?

SATX... IM me sometime!...

chideltjen · #10 12-02-2002, 12:31 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by James
I wouldn't talk to him about it at all. Talk confuses us guys. Just set out to seduce him.

Look good, be in a situation where you both have had a couple drinks and just kiss him a few times and see where it leads.

If he is responsive you win. If he is freaked you can blame it on the alcohol so you can both save face.

LOL... i might just do that... thanks james!

AXOLiz · #11 12-02-2002, 12:14 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by James
I wouldn't talk to him about it at all. Talk confuses us guys. Just set out to seduce him.

Look good, be in a situation where you both have had a couple drinks and just kiss him a few times and see where it leads.

If he is responsive you win. If he is freaked you can blame it on the alcohol so you can both save face.

You might want to be careful though...a friend of mine is in a similar situation except flip-flopped. I think her ex is semi-interested in starting a relationship up again (he's been calling her to hang out, he told a mutual friend how gorgeous she is, invited her to his holiday party, etc.). She's sort of planning on hooking up with him - "sort of" as in it'll definitely happen if he's up for a one time, no strings attached thing - problem is, there's a pretty good chance he's looking for more than just a, "Let's hook up tonight and limit all contact afterwards unless I call you first" type of deal. It's probably more of the, "Wow, now that we've hooked up again, I'm so glad we're back together" thing, which would probably get a, "Yeah, that's great, gotta go!" out of my friend.

The point of all this random dialogue is that if you want an actual relationship with this guy, as much as talking can confuse things, you might want to make it clear you're interested in more than just a hook-up from the beginning (which it seems like you are). Otherwise he may just think that's all it is, and I'm assuming you don't want to turn into his booty call.

Unless that's what you want, then go for the alcohol-induced seduction!