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  #1  
Old 09-18-2011, 12:06 AM
Ferendial Ferendial is offline
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Having trouble fitting in with my brothers

Hey everyone,

I'm new to the forums (long time lurker, first time poster). I just recently started pledging a fraternity; it's been about a week now and I'm just not feeling like I fit in with anyone. It's not that there's anything wrong with the guys, but I don't feel like I belong there. I rushed 3 fraternities, and I got bids to two of them- the one I'm in now, and another one that's a colony. The way we do bids here though is that you'll get a phone call from a brother telling you to meet somewhere at a certain time, and there's a small ceremony and you get your bid card then, and they ask if you accept. I got a call from the fraternity I'm in now telling me to meet them somewhere at 10:00, and I didn't get a call from the other fraternity until around 10:15, at which point I had my cell phone turned off because of the ceremony that was going on. I definitely felt more comfortable in the other fraternity at rush, and I honestly only accepted the bid to my current fraternity because I thought it was the only one I got accepted to.

So I guess my question is, should I stick with this one and just try to make the most of it, or should I pursue the other fraternity? I talked to a friend who's in the other fraternity (he has an important position in it, but I forget what it is specifically), and he said they do open bids throughout the semester, and that he'd let me know when they're doing events that are open to brothers and people who aren't brothers so I can check them out more that way.

Thanks in advance for your advice
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  #2  
Old 09-18-2011, 05:10 PM
etadrisophila etadrisophila is offline
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Hi-
Sorry things are not turning out the way you had hoped.

There are lots of ways to handle this- one, as you suggested - is to stick it out and make the most of it. From a philosophical standpoint, if you believe that there is a reason for everything- then you are in the right place and may not know it yet.

You need to find out what the long term ramifications of staying vs. leaving would be- these are things to discuss with the rush coordinator an appropriate person who is designated to manage rush related issues.

Best wishes and good luck!
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  #3  
Old 09-18-2011, 06:45 PM
33girl 33girl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ferendial View Post
Hey everyone,

I'm new to the forums (long time lurker, first time poster). I just recently started pledging a fraternity; it's been about a week now
It's been a WEEK. You're not going to be BFFs with everyone immediately just because they gave you a bid. Give it a little more time, with a truly open mind, and if you still don't feel comfortable, drop out before initiation.

There's also the chance that the colony may not charter (they're not really making friends poaching other groups' pledges, IMO) and then you'd be doubly shit outta luck. You'd be "that hoser who dumped XYZ to pledge those lameasses that tried to charter ABC."

Stay put.
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  #4  
Old 09-18-2011, 07:11 PM
Ferendial Ferendial is offline
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Thanks a lot for your response

I'd like to talk to the rush chair in my fraternity (he's the brother I feel most comfortable talking to as of now) but I'm a little scared of sounding like I'm saying they're not good enough for me.
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  #5  
Old 09-18-2011, 07:16 PM
IrishLake IrishLake is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 33girl View Post
It's been a WEEK. You're not going to be BFFs with everyone immediately just because they gave you a bid. Give it a little more time, with a truly open mind, and if you still don't feel comfortable, drop out before initiation.

There's also the chance that the colony may not charter (they're not really making friends poaching other groups' pledges, IMO) and then you'd be doubly shit outta luck. You'd be "that hoser who dumped XYZ to pledge those lameasses that tried to charter ABC."

Stay put.
iLaughed. You said "hoser." I bet the kids Ferendial's age don't even know where hoser comes from.
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  #6  
Old 09-18-2011, 07:21 PM
33girl 33girl is offline
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iLaughed. You said "hoser." I bet the kids Ferendial's age don't even know where hoser comes from.
Take off!!! LOL
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  #7  
Old 09-18-2011, 07:23 PM
33girl 33girl is offline
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Originally Posted by Ferendial View Post
Thanks a lot for your response

I'd like to talk to the rush chair in my fraternity (he's the brother I feel most comfortable talking to as of now) but I'm a little scared of sounding like I'm saying they're not good enough for me.
How'd you get from "I'm not fitting in" to that?? You won't sound like that unless, well, you sound like that.
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  #8  
Old 09-18-2011, 07:27 PM
Ferendial Ferendial is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 33girl View Post
It's been a WEEK. You're not going to be BFFs with everyone immediately just because they gave you a bid. Give it a little more time, with a truly open mind, and if you still don't feel comfortable, drop out before initiation.

There's also the chance that the colony may not charter (they're not really making friends poaching other groups' pledges, IMO) and then you'd be doubly shit outta luck. You'd be "that hoser who dumped XYZ to pledge those lameasses that tried to charter ABC."

Stay put.
Thanks for the response,

I realize it's only been a week, but surprisingly it was one of the guys in the fraternity that I'm in now who told me "the house that you go to and feel comfortable in within the first 10 minutes of rush is the one you're probably best suited in." I felt totally comfortable when I rushed at the colony, and ironically I felt really out of place in the fraternity I'm in now. Also, the colony I'm thinking about joining is supposed to be getting their charter this spring. I'm not sure what you mean by 'they're not really making friends poaching other groups' pledges.' They had plenty of people rush there and accept their bid, and they've grown a lot in numbers in the fairly short time that they've been around. As a matter of fact I'm pretty sure they have more members than the fraternity that I'm currently in (I realize quantity isn't everything, but I thought it was worth noting).

Also, I'm not expecting to be anyone's "BFF" after a week, but the people that are in the fraternity aren't people I could ever see myself hanging out with. I WANT to put myself out there more and get closer with them, but at the same time it's like I can't because I just have nothing in common with anyone. I honestly have no idea how I even got a bid there. In the end, I just don't feel comfortable around the guys and I can't really picture myself calling them my brothers.

One last note; I was thinking about sticking out until initiation to decide, but we have to pay a portion of our dues fairly soon and I doubt I'll get that money back if I decide not to go through with it. The first payment is around $200.00, and that's basically all of the money I have now to last me the month. Also, if I do go through with moving over to the colony, I'd really like to be a part of the current pledge class; both the fraternity I'm in now and the colony have 8 week long pledge periods (I'm assuming that's standard among other fraternities as well?) and if I waited the 8 weeks I wouldn't be a part of the current pledge class.
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  #9  
Old 09-18-2011, 07:30 PM
sigmagirl2000 sigmagirl2000 is offline
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you hoser, take off!
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  #10  
Old 09-18-2011, 07:31 PM
Ferendial Ferendial is offline
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Originally Posted by 33girl View Post
How'd you get from "I'm not fitting in" to that?? You won't sound like that unless, well, you sound like that.
That's true, but I've seen how hostile people can get on these boards when someone brings up wanting to leave their fraternity/sorority haha. I just don't want the rush chair to take it the wrong way, that's all.
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  #11  
Old 09-18-2011, 07:37 PM
33girl 33girl is offline
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Dumb question. If you felt that comfortable at the colony and that UNcomfortable at the group you signed a bid for, why didn't you wait for the colony to contact you? Are you saying the group you're in now just said "meet us at so and so" and when you got there, it was a bid signing/pledging ceremony???

This is one of those times when I'm glad I'm a girl and we do everything in rush like the happy well-organized Communists we are.
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  #12  
Old 09-18-2011, 07:45 PM
Ferendial Ferendial is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 33girl View Post
Dumb question. If you felt that comfortable at the colony and that UNcomfortable at the group you signed a bid for, why didn't you wait for the colony to contact you? Are you saying the group you're in now just said "meet us at so and so" and when you got there, it was a bid signing/pledging ceremony???

This is one of those times when I'm glad I'm a girl and we do everything in rush like the happy well-organized Communists we are.
Yeah, rush is very unorganized here and I wasn't too familiar with the process.

I got a call from the fraternity I'm in now at 8:30 saying to meet them at 10:00. 10:00 was the official time for bids to be handed out. 10:00 rolled around and I hadn't been contacted by anyone else. I assumed that if I were given a bid from anywhere else, they would have called prior to 10:00 to tell me to meet them at 10:00 (the way that the other fraternity had done), and since no one else had called me at that point, I went to where I was told to meet them. When I got there, there was a small ceremony thing and we were all given our bid cards and asked if we accept or decline. I know I want to be a part of a Greek organization, so I accepted under the impression that no other fraternities gave me a bid, with the hopes that I'd get comfortable with the fraternity that did give me a bid.

After the ceremony it turned out I had gotten a call around 10:20 (at which point my phone was turned off because of the ceremony going on), but by then I felt it was too late and I'd be better off sticking with where I accepted my bid and trying to make the most of it. But like I said, it's been a week and I'm still not really happy here; it wouldn't be as big of a deal for me had I not been given a bid from the colony, because then I can say "well this is what it is." But since I found out I was given that other bid, I feel like I'll be missing out on something really great if I don't pursue it.
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  #13  
Old 09-18-2011, 08:13 PM
greekdee greekdee is offline
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Your post immediately made me think about how your generation wants instant gratification! This isn't an attack on you or your peers -- it is not your faults that you've grown up in a world of "I Want It NOW," where so much happens quickly.

Seriously, though, one week is a drop of sand in the hour glass of life! You've barely gotten your toes wet; my advice is to give your fraternity more time before concluding that pledging is a mistake. As 33girl said, be sure to keep an open mind. Be willing to see it work out -- I say that because sometimes people really don't want something to work out, and it causes them to put forth less effort. Be involved with your fraternity and create and accept opportunities to get to know your brothers better.

If after all this, it's still not happening, you can choose not initiate and walk away knowing you gave it your best. Leave now and you may be looking wistfully over your shoulder and you are also risking regret. The fact that you came on this board seeking advice shows that you know you might regret leaving. You are wise to think this through and try to make an informed decision.

I'm a sorority member, so as for speaking with your rush chair, I'm going to step back and let fraternity men advise you on that.

Last edited by greekdee; 09-18-2011 at 08:16 PM. Reason: misspelled word
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  #14  
Old 09-18-2011, 10:12 PM
greekdee greekdee is offline
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Ferendial -- a few other posts were added while I was writing my first response to this thread, so I've read a little more about how your circumstances came about. If bids were to be given out at 10 pm, I too would have expected a phone call before 10, not after. It sounds like the colony chapter dropped the ball on that.

It does sound like you accepted the bid with good intentions, and your reasons for preferring to depledge sooner instead of later are understandable. The fact that you are seeking guidance and still considering remaining in your fraternity --rather than just up and pulling out -- indicates to me that you do want to manage this in the best way possible.

I don't know what the policies of IFC and most fraternities are on this, but there are Greek Chat members who are very knowledgeable about it. They should be able to offer you wise counsel. I feel like you will probably be advised to remain in your fraternity and there are many at GC who can give you solid advice on how to go forward.

Whichever road you take, I wish you the very best!
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  #15  
Old 09-18-2011, 10:40 PM
voLTAgeDEuce voLTAgeDEuce is offline
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I am wondering, after reading that any bids given should have been given before ten so that you can meet your new chapter at ten, if the colony only offered you a bid after they realized someone else was not going to show/accept their bid. Or, like the OP said, they dropped the ball.
I understand your wanting to be Greek, but I do not understand accepting a bid from a chapter of men who you feel you could never really consider your brothers. One week is very early in any relationship and I think you should give it more time and weigh your options. I hope everything works out for you!
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