Cashmoney's Dating Advice

[cashmoney]

Originally posted by Peaches-n-Cream
Not my problem, but I discussed it in AIM chats so here goes..

My friend had a boyfriend whom she loved for about 4 or 5 years. They broke up a few years ago, but they still date and see each other socially. She still loves him and wants a future with him. He said to her that he couldn't handle the pressure of a commitment right now. Anyway, they have been off and on for a couple of years now. All of their friends know how she feels about him.

The problem is a few weeks ago one of her friends asked him to be her date to a wedding. She never discussed it with my friend. She did discuss it with some of their friends. Quite a few of their friends knew about the date. My friend was hurt, upset, and shocked that her friend asked him out. Moreover, she is hurt that their friends knew about this, and never told her. There was a lot of secrecy and deception about this date. I feel really bad for her. She was, and still is, really devastated. I am not sure what to say or do to help her deal with this. This really isn't about dating per se as much as it is about respecting a friend's feelings. Meanwhile, the guy thinks that he was doing her friend a favor. He didn't think of it as a date. What do you suggest?

Cream-

This is a lot of drama, glad I'm not in your circle.


I understand that your freind wants a future with this guy, but apparently he doesn't want to be tied down right now. Are they currently dating? From what you said it doesnt seem like they are officially together right now. If thats the case, I think there's something going on that your freind doesnt know. From what you said about him going on a date with her, it sounds like there might be some sort of a flame between the guy and the girl he went to the wedding with. I don't know any guy who went to a wedding with a girl as just a date and there was nothing going on between them. That just doesnt happen. If the guy doesnt like the girl he went to the wedding with, I think maybe she likes him and he doesnt realize it. Now, to help your friend.....You need to talk to your friend and help her in this time. I'm sure she's really depressed right now. Maybe its time for your friend to move on, maybe you should help her in that arena. Explain to her that she'll always love him and have a place in her heart for him, everyone has that person who they arent dating anymore but still have feelings for them in their heart. I think whats going on with the off and on couple is that they dated for so long they are still comfotable wiht each other and find it hard to get on that same level with other people. Trust me, I've went through that. I'm trying not to go through it right now. You freind is gonna be hurt regradless when she sees him with another girl, but it being a friend is only worse. And I think thats the reason for all the secrecy, everyone knows your friend will be hurt.....personally I think that guy and the girl from the wedding have something going on and very few people know about it, not including you. Still, it wasnt right for that girl to ask her freinds ex-boyfriend of a # of yrs to go on a date to a wedding. Unless those two are REALLY REALLY good friends, there should no reason for him and her to go to a wedding together unless they have something going on that most people don't know about.

You just need to comfort your friend and help her through this time. Its pretty rough when you see someone you were in love with and spent yrs together be with another person...regardless whether or not you see them walking together on campus or at a bar having drinks. It just hurts period. Help her move on and find the greener pastures. Her going through this will only make her stronger and more independent. For some reason I get this feeling like she is not very independent, like maybe she's the type of girl who latches on to a guy and is always by his side. Am I right? I also have a feeling she can bent out of shape over a guy pretty easy, am I right? If I am, just do what I said and help her find better things.


Craig

[cashmoney]

Originally posted by Lady Pi Phi
Ok, here's another one for you...


How do you tell a guy you want more than a sexual relationship without him getting all defensive and blowing you off?

I've tried before, but he gets all weird, then stops talking to me for days, sometimes weeks and when he does start to talk to me it just starts the whole cycle all over again.
I'm not asking him to make a commitment, unless of course it's something he wants too. But how do I tell him how I feel without him freaking out?

L.P.P.-


Your situation has a easy remedy. You just need to stop having sex with this guy if you want a relationship. A lot of peopel don't realise that you can get your point across without actually saying it. I'm really good at that. Obviously he doesnt want to date you. If he's having sex with you and the two of you arent dating he's using you for sex. Now thats fine if you're using him for sex as well. But, just talk to him and tell him that you want more than just sex. And if he can't deal with that, tell him you guys can't have sex anymore. believe me, when a girl says that to me I think she's a good girl deep donw and respects herself. The whole "I can't make a commitment" or the not calling you by being wierded out can be translated into " I don't want to date you, but we can have sex." The reason why he doenst call for a couple of days or weeks is because he feels shitty about not dating you and having sex while you're hoping for something more. He knows you want more. And the reason why he does call you back is because he hasnt had any since the last time you two had sex. Are you seeing the pattern? Plain and simple, if you want a relationship you need to stop giving it up to him all the time and tell him no more unless you guys start dating. Keep in mind, this is based on the assumption that you two have been doing your thing for a little while now. I'm assuming he's not some new guy that you've been talking for 2 or 3 weeks. Even so, you need to lay the issue on the line and see where he's gonna take it. Tell him the balls in his court, he needs to decide what he's gonna do. And if you don't hear from him after that, then you know you did yourself a favor. The longer you stay with someone who doesnt want to date you.....you're only hurting yourself all the more. You'll be much happier finding someone who really likes you rather than someone whos just having sex with you. For a lot of people sex is just that, sex. It doesnt mean they have feelings for you. Do you understand the point that I'm trying to get across to you? Then again I do know girls that just like having sex with someone and are cool with just having sex. The problem is, whether you realise it or not, sex is an intimate deal. If you keep doing it with the same person all the time you'll soon have feelings for them. You can't help it.


Hope I helped.


Cashmoney-

[HotDamnImAPhiMu]

oooh I wanna play too.

so I went to this church service which is geared towards the college/just out crowd. I went by myself and ended up sitting with a 22 yr old guy, out of school, real job, seems sweet. One of the first things he said to me, though, was, "The Washington Post rated this the Best Place to Meet Your Mate." This was Wed... Thurs night he called to ask if I wanted to go bowling (bowling, I hate bowling) with his friends. I went and had an OK time. He didn't make any effort to overtly flirt, but asked if I wanted to go to church wtih him next week.

He also made an offhanded comment about the reason he works such long hours is he'd rather do that than be idle -- he doesn't have anything else to fill his time with.

I'm starting to get suspicious this guy is just shopping for a girlfriend, NOT for me. Do guys DO that?

[Peaches-n-Cream]

Wow, you are good, really good. Thanks a lot for your suggestions.

I also think that the other girl has feelings for my friend's ex. I am certain that he doesn't like her, but I might be wrong. There is a lot of drama in this circle which makes me glad that I only hang with my friend. I know her friends, but they aren't my friends.

Everything you wrote is on target except this part:

For some reason I get this feeling like she is not very independent, like maybe she's the type of girl who latches on to a guy and is always by his side. Am I right? I also have a feeling she can bent out of shape over a guy pretty easy, am I right? If I am, just do what I said and help her find better things.

She is really independent, and he is the first real relationship that she has had in a long time. Plus she loves him and had hoped that they would settle down. I think that is why it has been so hard for her to let him go.

I have tried to be there for her which I will continue to do. She has been focusing on other things like work and decorating her home which is occupying her time and taking her mind off this. I guess that it will just take time. Thanks again.

[SmartBlondeGPhB]

Ok, I have something for you.

Why do guys claim that they want a woman who "knows what she wants" but when said woman goes after what she wants (usually the guy) they totally FREAK out and run away?

[mu_agd]

Originally posted by SmartBlondeGPhB
Ok, I have something for you.

Why do guys claim that they want a woman who "knows what she wants" but when said woman goes after what she wants (usually the guy) they totally FREAK out and run away?

i would also like to know why guys freak out and run away!!

[SmartBlondeGPhB]

Originally posted by mu_agd
i would also like to know why guys freak out and run away!!

And for those of you still in college, they don't get better as they age.

[mu_agd]

Originally posted by SmartBlondeGPhB
And for those of you still in college, they don't get better as they age.

i agree! considering the one i'm referring to is out of school with a masters degree...

[smiley21]

Originally posted by SmartBlondeGPhB
Ok, I have something for you.

Why do guys claim that they want a woman who "knows what she wants" but when said woman goes after what she wants (usually the guy) they totally FREAK out and run away?

the christina aguilera song 'cant hold us down' comes to mind

[valkyrie]

Originally posted by SmartBlondeGPhB
Ok, I have something for you.

Why do guys claim that they want a woman who "knows what she wants" but when said woman goes after what she wants (usually the guy) they totally FREAK out and run away?

I'm not cashmoney, but I'd say this happens because the guy knows what he wants and it's not that particular woman. When a guy freaks out and runs away, 95% of the time it's because he's not into the woman.

[SmartBlondeGPhB]

Originally posted by valkyrie
I'm not cashmoney, but I'd say this happens because the guy knows what he wants and it's not that particular woman. When a guy freaks out and runs away, 95% of the time it's because he's not into the woman.

Then why'd he come back after I left him alone for about a week? lol And no, it wasn't sex.........

[valkyrie]

Originally posted by SmartBlondeGPhB
Then why'd he come back after I left him alone for about a week? lol And no, it wasn't sex.........

Well, if it wasn't the sex I'd say that he was part of the 5% that gets freaked out for a second but then realizes how awesome you are.

[Lady Pi Phi]

Cashmoney,

Thanks!

That was really great advice, and you're absoloutely right.
I've even tried some of the things you have suggested (obviously not hard enough).
So I have another question, why am I having such a hard time letting go? If it was any other guy I know I would have dumped his a$$ a long time ago. I can't seem to figure it out. Maybe you can shed some light onto it.
Having a neutral persepctive is good. You don't know me, so you're not afraid to be honest.

[James]

This is true usually. Or he could be insecure or you caught him really off guard. I don't know the situation.

Coming back isn't abnormal at all. Lets just see if he stays.

Originally posted by valkyrie
I'm not cashmoney, but I'd say this happens because the guy knows what he wants and it's not that particular woman. When a guy freaks out and runs away, 95% of the time it's because he's not into the woman.

[FAB*SpiceySpice]

Ok so I feel like a loser asking for advice, but yea, I really need some so here goes.

Since my freshman year I have had a crush on this one guy, S. We've hooked up on and off for the last two years but this semester it's become like a regular thing. He doesn't want a relationship and I don't want one with HIM but I do want a relationship. However something about him to me is just really like hard to let go of and I don't know why. He is an asshole a lot of the time, but the times when he's sweet seem to make up for it. Now I know the smart thing is to say, I'm too good for him blah blah just move on but I am trying so hard and I feel like I can't b/c I want him to be in my life in at least some little way. The thought of like never kissing him ever again though scares me b/c I just can't fathom that.

So now enter my ex boyfriend, D. He and I broke up b/c of a lot of reasons but mainly b/c it was moving too fast and neither of us was ready for that at the time. Now we both are and we want to be together but he has a HUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGEEEE dillema going on right now. I want to be there for him and help him through it, but it's a seriously complicated scary situation. I'm the only person he has told outside of his fraternity and he expected me to freak out and like run away I guess, and no part of me wants to do that, I just don't know how we're going to get through this.

So what do I do? I want to be with both guys. S doesn't want a relationship but as soon as I mention anything about any other guy he becomes so jealous and possessive. And I know I'm dumb for thinking this, but I see that as his way of showing me that he cares. STUPID I know.

Ok so yea, advice...please.

I can't believe I just typed all this out on here. Sorry guys.