How Moms Should Treat Their Legacy Daughters

[KSUViolet06]

^^^That's sad.

Your daughter is your daughter for the rest of your life and hers. Why damage that relationship over sorority recruitment? It has to feel awful when your mom refuses to attend those things.

What does all of this solve really? I mean, you could make her so miserable that she decides to just quit her chapter. But she's still not an XYZ AND she is resentful of you for making her feel so terribly. Not worth it.

[Happy Mom]

Originally Posted by Barbie's_Rush

I don't mean this to delve into ms territory and I also understand that things would vary with different groups, but was there ever a time in relatively recent history (eg: when the current moms and grams were in school) where a legacy was guaranteed a bid if she wanted it? I can't even imagine this ever being the case, even at schools with a non-competitive Greek life or in struggling chapters. Certainly there had to be room for cutting Sally Slorepants even if she was a quadruple legacy? But obviously these moms are getting this concept of a guaranteed bid from somewhere?

We were told in the 70's (by National) that unless a legacy had something horribly wrong with them, we had to take them. Until last year, none of My Sisters (who have been meeting for reunions for years) had any idea that the policy had changed. 20 to 30 recommendations were sent from all My Sisters who had watched my daughter grow up, I drove across Country to be there when my daughter got her bid and she was released by receiving a voicemail that morning. I don't think I have ever been so shocked or devastated in my life. If I had received any warning at all, I could have prepared both of us. I never even received a call from the Chapter to tell me she was being released. The pain and hurt I felt is indescribable. I have three sons and she was my only daughter. There were only 8 Legacies going through RUSH and only one other direct Chapter legacy. She is a very resilient young lady and bounced back by getting involved and running for office at the University. She harbors no ill will toward the girls in the Chapter and has become friends with many. I would have loved for her to pledge any of the Sororities. I just wish I had been on this Website and read these forums before she went through Recruitment. My fault that I was blindsided. I am volunteering to help with RUSH this year at the Chapter and love all the girls so everything is fine now but even now, I still get physically sick when I think of the disappointment.

[honeychile]

Originally Posted by atrianglepi

I am a newby to Greek Chat, but this thread is right up my alley. I have a daughter who will be going through recruitment at an SEC school in a few weeks. She is a multi-generational legacy. That being said, I have NO pre-conceived notions that she will join the atrianglepi's. I remember seeing something in my Adelphean a few years back about legacies not being guaranteed a bid due to numbers. I have explained this to my daughter and have told her that if she gets a bid to any chapter, I will be happy for her and that I hope she has the same wonderful experience I had/have with my chapter. I saw the facebook thing and laughed. People read your Alumni Magazine!

Best of luck to little atrianglepi! Please keep us posted!

FWIW, I've told the story often, but in the late 70's, my chapter was forced to bid a five-generation legacy. She really didn't want to go greek at all, and did the very least she could, including getting inititated at Convention and then changing schools.

I would be willing to bet that is one of the reasons some legacies are being ignored; they don't want to be there. Rather than mandate that all legacies must be on the Bid List, it's better to bid a woman with a great background and is happy to accept that bid!

[Nanners52674]

Originally Posted by Happy Mom

We were told in the 70's (by National) that unless a legacy had something horribly wrong with them, we had to take them. Until last year, none of My Sisters (who have been meeting for reunions for years) had any idea that the policy had changed. 20 to 30 recommendations were sent from all My Sisters who had watched my daughter grow up, I drove across Country to be there when my daughter got her bid and she was released by receiving a voicemail that morning. I don't think I have ever been so shocked or devastated in my life. If I had received any warning at all, I could have prepared both of us. I never even received a call from the Chapter to tell me she was being released. The pain and hurt I felt is indescribable. I have three sons and she was my only daughter. There were only 8 Legacies going through RUSH and only one other direct Chapter legacy. She is a very resilient young lady and bounced back by getting involved and running for office at the University. She harbors no ill will toward the girls in the Chapter and has become friends with many. I would have loved for her to pledge any of the Sororities. I just wish I had been on this Website and read these forums before she went through Recruitment. My fault that I was blindsided. I am volunteering to help with RUSH this year at the Chapter and love all the girls so everything is fine now but even now, I still get physically sick when I think of the disappointment.

Wow, 20 to 30 letters of rec. Is that considered a lot? (my chapter doesn't get recs)

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by honeychile

I would be willing to bet that is one of the reasons some legacies are being ignored; they don't want to be there.

This happens too.

Now i'm not saying that EVERY legacy acts this way, but I think sometimes parents don't get that they weren't THERE to see how their child acted at their legacy houses' party.

Sometimes, legacies don't WANT an invite. So they act accordingly.

Not saying they are outright bitchy, but some of them have at look of "don't want to be here" going on, and they're just obviously uninterested.

So they get cut, and mom is wondering how on Earth it happened, not realizing that her kid didn't want to go XYZ in the first place.

She obviously doesn't want to cut XYZ (mom would be upset) so she just gets cut herself. She'd also rather be cut than tell mom she's not interested.

I think our policies are in place so that we don't have to bid THAT legacy and she can seek out opportunities elsewhere.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

This happens too.

Now i'm not saying that EVERY legacy acts this way, but I think sometimes parents don't get that they weren't THERE to see how their child acted at their legacy houses' party.

Sometimes, legacies don't WANT an invite. So they act accordingly.

Not saying they are outright bitchy, but some of them have at look of "don't want to be here" going on, and they're just obviously uninterested.

So they get cut, and mom is wondering how on Earth it happened, not realizing that her kid didn't want to go XYZ in the first place.

She obviously doesn't want to cut XYZ (mom would be upset) so she just gets cut herself. She'd also rather be cut than tell mom she's not interested.

I think our policies are in place so that we don't have to bid THAT legacy and she can seek out opportunities elsewhere.

You know, I had a legacy sit down with me a pref one year and ask my, "Why should I pledge AOII? Just because my mom was an AOII?" She said it with such an attitude that it really put me off. At that point I told her, "Look, if you don't want to be here, don't put us on your bid list, because if I see you coming down my hallway tomorrow, it better be because you want to be there." By the time pref came around, I wasn't going to play that game.

[SWTXBelle]

I guess I'm lucky - my youngest will be going through recruitment in a year, but at a campus which doesn't have my sorority. It doesn't have her paternal grandmother's (Pi Phi), but it does have Chi Omega, her step-grandmother's. I really, really just want her to pledge any of the fine groups on the campus. My only inclination towards Chi Omega is because I would love for my mother-in-law's beautiful 70 year old badge to be worn! Honestly, I am so active in my alumnae panhellenic that I will welcome the opportunity to share sorority membership with her with ANY group.

[Happy Mom]

Originally Posted by Nanners52674

Wow, 20 to 30 letters of rec. Is that considered a lot? (my chapter doesn't get recs)

All my Sisters who went to School with me in the 70's and who I still keep in close contact with sent them in. It was not required, they just did it because they were so excited to have a Legacy from our 'group.' When she was rejected, they all felt insulted and rejected as Alumnae because they had no idea the policy had been changed. Many were so outraged that they said they were not supporting the Chapter anymore, either financially or physically. I had to call and e-mail and explain that evidently things had changed and Legacies could be rejected, my daughter was fine and I would survive. I had made the best friends in life while in College and had hoped my daughter had the same experience. She has and is making her own memories and friendships.

[Alumiyum]

Originally Posted by Happy Mom

We were told in the 70's (by National) that unless a legacy had something horribly wrong with them, we had to take them. Until last year, none of My Sisters (who have been meeting for reunions for years) had any idea that the policy had changed. 20 to 30 recommendations were sent from all My Sisters who had watched my daughter grow up, I drove across Country to be there when my daughter got her bid and she was released by receiving a voicemail that morning. I don't think I have ever been so shocked or devastated in my life. If I had received any warning at all, I could have prepared both of us. I never even received a call from the Chapter to tell me she was being released. The pain and hurt I felt is indescribable. I have three sons and she was my only daughter. There were only 8 Legacies going through RUSH and only one other direct Chapter legacy. She is a very resilient young lady and bounced back by getting involved and running for office at the University. She harbors no ill will toward the girls in the Chapter and has become friends with many. I would have loved for her to pledge any of the Sororities. I just wish I had been on this Website and read these forums before she went through Recruitment. My fault that I was blindsided. I am volunteering to help with RUSH this year at the Chapter and love all the girls so everything is fine now but even now, I still get physically sick when I think of the disappointment.

That's really unfortunate that you two didn't know beforehand...I'm sure it would've been a softer experience if you had. . I understand that larger chapters can't spend a lot of time on personal contact when they release a legacy because they probably release tons of them, but I remember that when we dropped a legacy (which I believe only happened twice incidentally) the mother was called. One apparently went ballistic because she was under the impression that her daughter would get an automatic bid because she was a legacy and was incredibly rude to anyone and everyone she could get in contact with. Headcase. The other was far more reasonable. Her daughter didn't seem to want to be there and was dropped. I think she must have known her daughter really wanted to be in a different chapter on campus and I honestly think the girl was revealed when we dropped her because she could accept a bid from the chapter she really wanted without feeling guilty...so in that instance, it ended up being a good situation all around.

[Alumiyum]

Originally Posted by Happy Mom

All my Sisters who went to School with me in the 70's and who I still keep in close contact with sent them in. It was not required, they just did it because they were so excited to have a Legacy from our 'group.' When she was rejected, they all felt insulted and rejected as Alumnae because they had no idea the policy had been changed. Many were so outraged that they said they were not supporting the Chapter anymore, either financially or physically. I had to call and e-mail and explain that evidently things had changed and Legacies could be rejected, my daughter was fine and I would survive. I had made the best friends in life while in College and had hoped my daughter had the same experience. She has and is making her own memories and friendships.

It's great that you're a mother who is supportive no matter what. I'm glad your daughter is having a great college experience, because that's what it's about!

[honeychile]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

You know, I had a legacy sit down with me a pref one year and ask my, "Why should I pledge AOII? Just because my mom was an AOII?" She said it with such an attitude that it really put me off. At that point I told her, "Look, if you don't want to be here, don't put us on your bid list, because if I see you coming down my hallway tomorrow, it better be because you want to be there." By the time pref came around, I wasn't going to play that game.

Good for you!

[gee_ess]

Originally Posted by Happy Mom

All my Sisters who went to School with me in the 70's and who I still keep in close contact with sent them in. It was not required, they just did it because they were so excited to have a Legacy from our 'group.' When she was rejected, they all felt insulted and rejected as Alumnae because they had no idea the policy had been changed. Many were so outraged that they said they were not supporting the Chapter anymore, either financially or physically. I had to call and e-mail and explain that evidently things had changed and Legacies could be rejected, my daughter was fine and I would survive. I had made the best friends in life while in College and had hoped my daughter had the same experience. She has and is making her own memories and friendships.

I can only imagine how upset your whole group was. I had the same kind of support when my daughter went through. A group of us had been getting together once a year since graduation, traveling all across the country to get to each other, and they were so excited to have one of our group going through rush. And, yes, they rolled out the recs! I am so sorry that it didn't turn out as you hoped, and yet, it has still been positive. Hats off to you for your ability to handle the situation gracefully.

Also, sidenote, I cannot speak for other groups, but there is no provision within KKG to notify alums when a legacy is cut. Maybe that is the case with your group?

[33girl]

Originally Posted by FleurGirl

This is the biggest thing to me. If the chapter doesn't fit her, why on earth would you want her there? If I were a mom, I'd much rather see my daughter find HER home. Would I love it if she were a Kappa? Of course. But I'd rather her be truly happy somewhere else than stuck in a chapter she doesn't love. At the end of the day, these moms need to figure out what's more important: having her daughter in her house, or having her daughter be happy?

Or worse yet, to have her be stuck in a chapter that doesn't love her, and that refers to her behind her back as "the girl we HAD to take because she's a legacy."

Originally Posted by Happy Mom

We were told in the 70's (by National) that unless a legacy had something horribly wrong with them, we had to take them. Until last year, none of my sisters (who have been meeting for reunions for years) had any idea that the policy had changed.

I'm guessing you're from the South and so this really didn't apply in your neck of the woods, but in the 1970s chapters (of ALL Greek groups) were dropping like flies in the rest of the country. National HQs were not about to tick off alums and lose $$ when they were already hemorrhaging it - so if there was a 2 headed legacy who wanted in, here's the welcome mat.

A moral of this story is that it's great to keep in contact with your chapter sisters, but you need to keep up to date on national policies as well. That doesn't just apply to legacies but also to alumnae status and other things.

[aephi alum]

Originally Posted by Happy Mom

she was released by receiving a voicemail that morning

No one should be released by voicemail.

[CutiePie2000]

Originally Posted by dgdramadawg

I spoke to alumnae from a couple of other sororities who know the PNM (and now know the crazy situation), and we are all planning on writing recs for the girl without the girl or mom knowing. Hopefully this will at least prevent a total disaster in August, and she won't get in trouble for seeking recs when her mom told her not to.

From one DG to another, if you feel comfortable endorsing this girl for DG, then I think you should go ahead and write the rec form, but not divulge this to the PNM nor her mother. You don't need anyone's "permission" to write a sponsor form and the intention of sponsorship is to keep the Fraternity strong with good, capable, sustaining candidates for membership.

Another DG that I know (who is a former CDC) once said to me that in many ways, it's actually preferable that the PNM not be aware that you are writing a Rec for them, in the event that their Recruitment outcome is not what they wanted.