D&R Random

[AlphaFrog]

Best night with the husband last night just relaxing and watching tv together. We don't get to do that much.

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by I2K Beta Mu

I know it's been discussed on here because I participated in the discussions. I remember seeing my pops do that shit to my mom shortly before he bounced and never came back. I have witnessed it. You don't know me like that to tell me what I've witnessed and what I haven't witnessed. And because I've witnessed it also doesn't mean I'm going to practice it. Getting your ass whooped in a relationship is like sitting in shit, sleeping in it, smelling it, eating it, and just plain living in it, and doing nothing to get out of it. I personally really don't give a fuck about the reasons, because whatever the reasons are, I'm not buying it.

I did not tell you what you have or haven’t experienced. You said you don’t get why she’s continuing to stay and I observed that given that you’ve never been an abused woman, it’s not surprising (and totally normal) that you don’t understand her reasons. No one said anything about your practicing it with your girlfriend so I'm not sure why you brought that up.

I posted the link because the end of the scene was a reflection of the piece of your post that I quoted. I’ve never seen the movie but it’s on my to-do list.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by I2K Beta Mu

That's good shit. But just because you haven't witnessed the shit doesn't mean you don't know why folks stay or why you shouldn't have any input.

I don't "input" because it's their relationship, and they are the ones who are in it, not me. If they want to stay in it and continue to be disrespected and abused, -okay.

Originally Posted by I2K Beta Mu

I feel you on all this. I think this is part of my own problem in regards to other shit that's going on in my life, including my relationship with my girl. I feel you, but sometimes it's hard for some folks to see if a dude or female is the right person. If it wasn't, you wouldn't see as many break-ups and divorces. You feel me?

I don't know all the reasons for why other couples split up. I can only speak on my views, and what marriage/relationships mean to me. I think it's perfectly normal for feelings of love to fluctuate. I mean, your emotions on any given day are not an accurate gauge for deciding whether you should keep or discard the relationship. I just believe it's important to hold yourself accountable to something higher than your wishy-washy feelings, the effects of outward stimuli, or restlessness. Trouble free relationships only exist in the movies. I think it's about aligning yourself with the right person who values what you value, and doing the work it takes to keep it new. I hate exercise, but I want to stay fit and trim. My ego, looking good, feeling good, and my need to be in good health override my disdain for physical exertion. So I make the decision to do the work it will take to look and feel good. The same holds true if you want your relationship with your partner to look and feel good. Your relationship isn't going to function at its own discretion. It has to be maintained and run by you and your partner, by continuing to work at keeping it healthy. It will only output what you input. Period. I'm not married yet, but to me marriage is a covenant, not a contract. And to me, a covenant is more substantial than a contract. A contract has conditions that can expire if terms are not kept, but a covenant has no expiration date and is binding for life. But that's just my thoughts about it. Not everyone is going to have the same view.

[I2K Beta Mu]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

I did not tell you what you have or haven’t experienced. You said you don’t get why she’s continuing to stay and I observed that given that you’ve never been an abused woman, it’s not surprising (and totally normal) that you don’t understand her reasons. No one said anything about your practicing it with your girlfriend so I'm not sure why you brought that up.

I don't have to be an abused female to not understand why she stays. I posted what I said about my situation as an example of some other shit. When my girl got the call when it happened, I said the same shit to her, and she said she's in it because she chooses to be in it. I asked why...she said it could be based on a number of reasons, but whatever it is, there is no good reason behind it, she can make the decision to leave if she wants to leave. She doesn't have to stay. That's why I said whatever the reason, I'm not buying it.

Originally Posted by christiangirl

I posted the link because the end of the scene was a reflection of the piece of your post that I quoted. I’ve never seen the movie but it’s on my to-do list.

You haven't seen Baby Boy? LOL damn, you're late as hell. It was alright. The ending was phony as hell, though. Do you have netflix? If you do, check it out.

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

I'm not married yet, but to me marriage is a covenant, not a contract. And to me, a covenant is more substantial than a contract. A contract has conditions that can expire if terms are not kept, but a covenant has no expiration date and is binding for life. But that's just my thoughts about it. Not everyone is going to have the same view.

CTFU! Okay, I feel you with doing the work to make it last, but LOL @ you throwing around shit not having "conditions". As much shit as you post about how a mofo has to be... dude gotta have a tight job, dude gotta love God, dude gotta look good, dude gotta treat his mamma right, all the way down to dude not coming from a fucked up family. That's what you said, then turn around and post some ol "conditions" shit goddamn! LOL! What if dude cheated on you, would you stay married to dude? You said no conditions. Right? Dude might come home from work, stress is fuckin with him, then he decides to whoop your ass. Are you going to stay married to dude? I'm just throwing shit out there based on the other shit you posted as of why you wouldn't fuck with certain dudes.

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by I2K Beta Mu

I don't have to be an abused female to not understand why she stays. I posted what I said about my situation as an example of some other shit. When my girl got the call when it happened, I said the same shit to her, and she said she's in it because she chooses to be in it. I asked why...she said it could be based on a number of reasons, but whatever it is, there is no good reason behind it, she can make the decision to leave if she wants to leave. She doesn't have to stay. That's why I said whatever the reason, I'm not buying it.


You haven't seen Baby Boy? LOL damn, you're late as hell. It was alright. The ending was phony as hell, though. Do you have netflix? If you do, check it out.

Lol All I said was that reasons for staying in that exist, not that they were "good," whatever that word is supposed to mean in this context.

People are always so surprised that I've never seen it. It came out when I was in high school and I wasn't watching rated-R movies when I was underage. But I really like Taraji so I added this one to my Netflix queue. It's next in line. From the YT clips, it looks like a bunch of foolishness but I remember the hype around it when it came out.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by I2K Beta Mu

As much shit as you post about how a mofo has to be... dude gotta have a tight job, dude gotta love God, dude gotta look good, dude gotta treat his mamma right, all the way down to dude not coming from a fucked up family.

Yep. And that was just a short list.

Originally Posted by I2K Beta Mu

What if dude cheated on you, would you stay married to dude? You said no conditions. Right? Dude might come home from work, stress is fuckin with him, then he decides to whoop your ass. Are you going to stay married to dude? I'm just throwing shit out there based on the other shit you posted as of why you wouldn't fuck with certain dudes.

Did you read all of my post? I said that it's about aligning yourself with someone who values what you value. I've been with him long enough to know what he values, and to see that his actions match his words, so what you've posted doesn't apply to him. The man I chose to commit to adds a dimension to my life that did not exist previously. If he is not adding to me, then he is taking away from me. I make it clear what I want, need, and expect out of a relationship and I'm not going to settle for less, and I do this in the beginning. Patience does the rest. How he begins is a good indication of how he will finish. I've done my homework -almost four years of it, so what you posted vs. the kind of man he is and has proven to be doesn't match. No one is perfect, but should I have standards? Yes, because these standards affect my compatibility and my ability to sustain a long-term relationship. It's about operating from the same platform. There are always non-negotiables in any relationship, and I determine what those are long before I decide to spend the rest of my life with someone.

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by I2K Beta Mu

That's good shit that you let ol girl know your position. That way nobody can say they didn't know. That's foul as hell. I'll admit, I used to kick it with a lot of females, but I wouldn't fuck around on them if we were exclusive. To them they saw it as being fucked around on, but it wasn't a relationship, in my mind I was just kickin it with them LOL. Did you and your boy both know that y'all were exclusive? I've had females get the shit turned around. If I never told them that I wanted to be exclusive, then that means that other females are open game. Now that I'm exclusive with my girl, I wouldn't fuck around on her. I'd bounce before I did that shit.

We had been together for well over a year, had discussed moving in together, and about two months before "it just happened" that they both had exposed genitals and fell into each other he had talked to my then best friend about meeting me at the airport with a proposal. We had met the families of the other, he had spent more than one set of holidays with my family, we'd gone on vacation together, and adopted two cats.

The core issue was I was dealing with grief and bereavement that affected our relationship, and he chose to talk to everyone but me about the issues in our relationship. We hadn't officially both agreed it was over, if we had it would have hurt, but wouldn't have been the betrayal of my boyfriend hooking up with her the day my aunt died when I really needed him. I'm the type of person who has no problem directly telling someone if I have an issue or problem, but I also know when something else is affecting me and recognizing it has nothing to do with someone, then giving myself a day or two. My aunt died from the same disease as my father, she was my only biological aunt, I couldn't be there at the end, and since I knew that I was emotionally taxed there was no way I could talk to him about us in a healthy or productive manner. I blamed myself for months that if I had only talked to him he wouldn't have cheated on me, but the reality is he made his decision and it is his choice to live with.

I also really have enjoyed the schadenfreude that she cheated on him and their relationship ended as I predicted. I'm sure there are some relationships out there where one or both parties are cheaters and it lasts, but in my anecdotal world they are far and few between. Those that last for awhile usually are full of suspicion and issues from past relationships that were never handled. I'm a firm believer that after a breakup, even the most amicable one, mentally and emotionally healthy people take some time to process the situation, reflect upon that relationship and do a little self inventory before jumping into another one. Obviously that varies for each individual, but as RuPaul says "If you don't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?"

[KSig RC]

[Rare serious RC post in this thread]

Look, most of us can't fathom being in an abusive relationship, and most of us want the serious feel-goods of "I WOULD NEVER ALLOW _______" ... but that's part of the problem of spousal (mostly male-on-female) abuse: a person doesn't want to be there, doesn't even know they are there, until it's far too late.

I'll judge all of you for nearly everything, but it's very difficult - if not impossible - to judge a person for being battered in a relationship. It's just so hard, and it's never the victim's fault.

[/serious]

[I2K Beta Mu]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

People are always so surprised that I've never seen it. It came out when I was in high school and I wasn't watching rated-R movies when I was underage. But I really like Taraji so I added this one to my Netflix queue. It's next in line. From the YT clips, it looks like a bunch of foolishness but I remember the hype around it when it came out.

You don't have streaming?

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Did you read all of my post? I said that it's about aligning yourself with someone who values what you value. I've been with him long enough to know what he values, and to see that his actions match his words, so what you've posted doesn't apply to him. The man I chose to commit to adds a dimension to my life that did not exist previously. If he is not adding to me, then he is taking away from me. I make it clear what I want, need, and expect out of a relationship and I'm not going to settle for less, and I do this in the beginning. Patience does the rest. How he begins is a good indication of how he will finish. I've done my homework -almost four years of it, so what you posted vs. the kind of man he is and has proven to be doesn't match. No one is perfect, but should I have standards? Yes, because these standards affect my compatibility and my ability to sustain a long-term relationship. It's about operating from the same platform. There are always non-negotiables in any relationship, and I determine what those are long before I decide to spend the rest of my life with someone.

I was fuckin with you.

Originally Posted by VandalSquirrel

We had been together for well over a year, had discussed moving in together, and about two months before "it just happened" that they both had exposed genitals and fell into each other he had talked to my then best friend about meeting me at the airport with a proposal. We had met the families of the other, he had spent more than one set of holidays with my family, we'd gone on vacation together, and adopted two cats.

The core issue was I was dealing with grief and bereavement that affected our relationship, and he chose to talk to everyone but me about the issues in our relationship. We hadn't officially both agreed it was over, if we had it would have hurt, but wouldn't have been the betrayal of my boyfriend hooking up with her the day my aunt died when I really needed him. I'm the type of person who has no problem directly telling someone if I have an issue or problem, but I also know when something else is affecting me and recognizing it has nothing to do with someone, then giving myself a day or two. My aunt died from the same disease as my father, she was my only biological aunt, I couldn't be there at the end, and since I knew that I was emotionally taxed there was no way I could talk to him about us in a healthy or productive manner. I blamed myself for months that if I had only talked to him he wouldn't have cheated on me, but the reality is he made his decision and it is his choice to live with.

I also really have enjoyed the schadenfreude that she cheated on him and their relationship ended as I predicted. I'm sure there are some relationships out there where one or both parties are cheaters and it lasts, but in my anecdotal world they are far and few between. Those that last for awhile usually are full of suspicion and issues from past relationships that were never handled. I'm a firm believer that after a breakup, even the most amicable one, mentally and emotionally healthy people take some time to process the situation, reflect upon that relationship and do a little self inventory before jumping into another one. Obviously that varies for each individual, but as RuPaul says "If you don't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?"

Dude was foul as hell. Sorry to hear about your pops, and aunt. Is dude still with ol girl? LOL @ "exchanging genitals". Foul as hell, but the wording had me CTFU! Did dude do some foul shit before he fucked around?

Originally Posted by KSig RC

I'll judge all of you for nearly everything, but it's very difficult - if not impossible - to judge a person for being battered in a relationship. It's just so hard, and it's never the victim's fault.

It's not the victim's fault for getting abused, but it is if the victim chooses to stay in the shit. I don't think anybody on here is "judging" the victim for the ass kicking, but moreso continuing to allow the ass kicking and putting up with the shit. You can call the shots how you see them, or how you see fit, but any time somebody is getting their ass kicked, and still stays, then whose fault is that? The dude who's kicking her ass? -or vice versa? Don't say it's "never" the victim's fault, dude, because sometimes it is.

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by I2K Beta Mu

You don't have streaming?

It's not available on instant stream.

ETA: We had an interesting discussion about expectations in relationships after Bible study today. Well, the women did. The men were all huddled in the corner watching Youtube videos of Mustang convertibles.

[I2K Beta Mu]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

ETA: We had an interesting discussion about expectations in relationships after Bible study today. Well, the women did. The men were all huddled in the corner watching Youtube videos of Mustang convertibles.

CTFU!!

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by I2K Beta Mu

It's not the victim's fault for getting abused, but it is if the victim chooses to stay in the shit. I don't think anybody on here is "judging" the victim for the ass kicking, but moreso continuing to allow the ass kicking and putting up with the shit. You can call the shots how you see them, or how you see fit, but any time somebody is getting their ass kicked, and still stays, then whose fault is that? The dude who's kicking her ass? -or vice versa? Don't say it's "never" the victim's fault, dude, because sometimes it is.

NO, IT'S NOT.

[Tulip86]

Originally Posted by I2K Beta Mu

It's not the victim's fault for getting abused, but it is if the victim chooses to stay in the shit. I don't think anybody on here is "judging" the victim for the ass kicking, but moreso continuing to allow the ass kicking and putting up with the shit. You can call the shots how you see them, or how you see fit, but any time somebody is getting their ass kicked, and still stays, then whose fault is that? The dude who's kicking her ass? -or vice versa? Don't say it's "never" the victim's fault, dude, because sometimes it is.

You need to shut the hell up about things you know NOTHING about. You have NO IDEA what it's like, so don't you dare judge.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by Tulip86

You need to shut the hell up about things you know NOTHING about. You have NO IDEA what it's like, so don't you dare judge.

Pretty much. It's not as if someone just decides to hit their partner--it's part of a long process that's often helped along by outside factors.

At this point, I don't have time to explain this to ignorant people, though.

[agzg]

Originally Posted by KSig RC

[Rare serious RC post in this thread]

Look, most of us can't fathom being in an abusive relationship, and most of us want the serious feel-goods of "I WOULD NEVER ALLOW _______" ... but that's part of the problem of spousal (mostly male-on-female) abuse: a person doesn't want to be there, doesn't even know they are there, until it's far too late.

I'll judge all of you for nearly everything, but it's very difficult - if not impossible - to judge a person for being battered in a relationship. It's just so hard, and it's never the victim's fault.

[/serious]

Sometimes I wish you were a real person rather than bits and bytes on a computer screen (all people on the internet are these things) because I would hug you for this.