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  #1  
Old 12-31-2003, 02:21 AM
AlphaFrog AlphaFrog is offline
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Another Stupid Boy Question

Ok....all of you are going to think that I'm absolutly nuts....but I need some input anyway....

My boyfriend and I are discussing getting married and moving back to his hometown....in Mexico. I'm not discussing how long we've been together and blah, blah, blah...because no matter how long you've dated, you can't truely know what they are going to be like living with (and I won't move in with a guy until I'm married.....although we do live down the hall in the same apartment building). You just need to know that I love him very much.

Ok, so here's the rest of the info you need to know...I am a Junior in college with no hope of finishing anytime soon because I am in the process of changing my major (and my current major would take at least 2 more years to finish anyway). Ok...so most of my friends here say I should finish up school before heading to Mexico (but alot of them are actually in favor of me going. as long as I do finish school). Problem with that is, he hates it here in the USA. His (Our-we both work at a restaraunt) boss is a compleate asshole and he only has a few family members (2 cousins, 2 brothers) and no other friends really. I have no family here...my parents moved to North Carolina when I was a freshman in college. Also, the chapter of my soroity closed so I'm feeling really alone here (I've got lots of friends, but I don't feel like I belong anymore).

Ok, now...when...His mom wants him back in Mexico in February, but he wants to wait until May until I finish this semester of school. Like I said, almost everyone I've talked to about this says finish school first, but I really don't care to. Besides, a US degree would be almost worthless in Mexico. And, most married women in Mexico do not work...and I would love to do voulenteer work in hospitals and stuff like that. Our current plan is to get married in April and move in May.

More roadblocks...both of our families are racist...my dad sees him as just an uneducated kid...his mom told him before he left for the US NOT to come home with a "gringo". Also, my Spanish is not so good. It's easy enough when it's just the two of us to communicate...either with language that isn't quite grammtically correct (his English isn't so good) or with a sort of sign language (and the help of a dictionary).

Ok...this post has been pretty schyzo...it's late, and I'm emotional.....I love him and I don't know what to do....please give me input....
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  #2  
Old 12-31-2003, 04:31 AM
G8Ralphaxi G8Ralphaxi is offline
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Oh wow. I do not envy you. What a difficult situation.

The main thing I would say is this: Don't even THINK about doing this until you visit his hometown with him for an extended period of time (i.e., not just a weekend) and see how you would live. Walk around the town, imagine yourself there and see if it would work.

Will you live on your own? Where? How will you pay for a house? Or will you live with his mother? If not with her, then nearby? It's a lot of pressure on any new bride to live so close to the in-laws, not to mention being in a new country.

What will he do to financially support you, since you probably won't be working? Will that be sufficient to keep you happy? I will admit that I am a spoiled American, and I like it. I don't want to give up my pretty car, and nice clothes and big apartment. I worked my butt off in law school to afford these things. I know the stereotype of Mexicans and Latin Americans as dirt poor isn't true, but the standard of living is very different.

What are your plans for a family? It's my understanding that birth control is harder to obtain in Mexico. Do you mind having a large family?

Will you be happy not working? I might get bored. This is going to sound bad, but do you have "domestic" skills - i.e., can you handle cooking, cleaning, running a household? (I'm sorry if that sounds rude, but I know a lot of college students, heck even 30 year olds, that have trouble with this)

I am not as worried about the language issue. When you are immersed in the language like you would be, it becomes easier. But I would definitely start taking some classes now - if not at your college, then night classes. I took an adult education Italian course once - it was a lot of fun, and pretty cheap.

I wish you the best of luck. It must be so hard to love someone but have to change your whole life around to be with them.
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  #3  
Old 12-31-2003, 11:51 AM
AlphaFrog AlphaFrog is offline
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Ok, now that I've gotten some sleep maybe this will be more coherant.

Quote:
Originally posted by G8Ralphaxi
The main thing I would say is this: Don't even THINK about doing this until you visit his hometown with him for an extended period of time (i.e., not just a weekend) and see how you would live. Walk around the town, imagine yourself there and see if it would work.
I wish I had this luxury, but it is simply impossible. Remember the asshole bosses...well, according to them we're not even allowed to be friends outside of work, so we've kind of been sneaking around for awhile now...(although they own the apartment building where we both live, which is above the restaraunt wee work at, so they must know we at least see eachother outside of work.) Anyway....the restaraunt functions in a tight manner....I had to pull lots of strings to be able to visit my parents next week for a week, and him leaving work for more then about 2 days is impossible. We only have 6 waitresses and 4 cooks to run 5am-8pm Mon-Sun (yes, there are some illegal operations going on.).


Quote:

Will you live on your own? Where? How will you pay for a house? Or will you live with his mother? If not with her, then nearby? It's a lot of pressure on any new bride to live so close to the in-laws, not to mention being in a new country.
He already has a house there that he bought from his uncle. And I've never met his mother or father, but I really like those of the family I have met (his 2 cousins and 2 brothers).

Quote:

What will he do to financially support you, since you probably won't be working? Will that be sufficient to keep you happy? I will admit that I am a spoiled American, and I like it. I don't want to give up my pretty car, and nice clothes and big apartment. I worked my butt off in law school to afford these things. I know the stereotype of Mexicans and Latin Americans as dirt poor isn't true, but the standard of living is very different.


He has saved up quite a bit of money being here in the USA. And he says it's not common for married women to work, but if I wanted to to have spending money, it would be ok. And about the community...I've heard many things about Veracruz and I'm not sure what to believe...I've heard some say it's dirt poor and others say it's fine....but everyone says it's beautiful, right on the beach.

Quote:

What are your plans for a family? It's my understanding that birth control is harder to obtain in Mexico. Do you mind having a large family?

I wouldn't mind a big family (I'm an only child, and I missed not having brothers and sisters), but he's got 11 brothers and sisters and he decided that he only wants 2-3 kids (which is compleatly fine with me). With the internet, it should be possible for me to order birth control online, and I believe the reason it's hard to get is because Mexico is a strongly Catholic country.

Quote:

Will you be happy not working? I might get bored. This is going to sound bad, but do you have "domestic" skills - i.e., can you handle cooking, cleaning, running a household? (I'm sorry if that sounds rude, but I know a lot of college students, heck even 30 year olds, that have trouble with this)



I have already decided that if I don't work, I'd like to do voulenteer work. My major in college is Music Therapy and I love it. (the only reason I'm switching is because of the politics and bullsh!t of the music dept.). And I would love to do Music Therapy voulenteer work at a hospital or something like that. As for my domestic skills...I just moved out compleatly on my own and am learning. I've learned that I'm a pretty decent cook. As for other domestic skills...I can clean and things like that, but right now, I'm so busy with work and school, I don't get around to it as often as I'd like. If I don't have to worry about working, I'll be fine.

Quote:

I am not as worried about the language issue. When you are immersed in the language like you would be, it becomes easier. But I would definitely start taking some classes now - if not at your college, then night classes. I took an adult education Italian course once - it was a lot of fun, and pretty cheap.
I'm taking Elementary Spanish II, which is supposed to be for those who've had Elem Span I, or 1 year in highschool (I took French, stupid me), but Elem Span I was full, and I think I have enough practical training to surpass 1 year in highschool.

Quote:

I wish you the best of luck. It must be so hard to love someone but have to change your whole life around to be with them.
Thanks for the advice and not just telling me I'm stupid for even thinking of this! It means alot, and you've given me more to consiter.
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  #4  
Old 12-31-2003, 12:12 PM
Munchkin03 Munchkin03 is offline
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You say a US degree is worthless in Mexico, but what if something happens that necessitates your return to the United States? Things happen all the time--and even though you might not "care" to complete an official field of study here, it may be in your best interest to do so--just in case something happens.

I know that no matter what happens in my family or my relationship, I always have my education to fall back on--and I live in the US, where I could fall back on my family's connections. In another country, I would try to make myself as marketable as possible in the event that my support of a family was needed.
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  #5  
Old 12-31-2003, 01:10 PM
SmartBlondeGPhB SmartBlondeGPhB is offline
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I would second the advice of going to visit for an extended period of time. No matter what you think it will be like, or what he says it will be like, you really have NO idea until you're there.

I'd finish your education too. Unfortunately, marriages come and go, you may find yourself with nothing else.

You're moving to a strange country, where you will not know many people, and you speak only a little of the language. If it were me, I'd take a litte time to finish my degree and get myself a little more prepared for the change. If he really loves you, he'll wait even if he does move home in the meantime.

I'd be concerned about mom's comment to not bring home a "gringo" too. That is an attitude that is highly unlikely to change even once she meets you and gets to know you. You'll always be a "gringo" and she'll always resent that he didn't marry a local girl. You (and him) need to be ready to deal with it.

There's a saying I'm sure we've all heard. "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

I'm in no waying don't do it, it's not my place to say that. You may find it to be the biggest learning experience you've ever had. Just be prepared.
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  #6  
Old 12-31-2003, 01:17 PM
AchtungBaby80 AchtungBaby80 is offline
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Munchkin has some good points. Even if it doesn't seem like you have family, you really do...and they're closer here than they would be if you were living in Mexico. What if something happened and you needed help?

If I were you, I would finish next semester and spend the summer in Mexico in your boyfriend's hometown. You need to see what the place is like, how you fit in, etc. before you move down there sight unseen. I was sort of in your position once, and I'm glad I saw my SO's town that we'd be living in before I decided because it can get pretty dangerous there and seeing it firsthand made me wary of going there permanently. It sounds awful, but you need to take care of yourself first and do what's best for you. If you end up loving Mexico, then hey, go right ahead! If you don't, at least you'll know before all your stuff is down there and you're stuck. Everybody's made some very good points; this is a big decision, so don't rush into anything.
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  #7  
Old 12-31-2003, 02:07 PM
texas*princess texas*princess is offline
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I would agree w/ SmartBlondeGPhB & Munchkin 150% with every point they made.
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  #8  
Old 12-31-2003, 02:30 PM
valkyrie valkyrie is offline
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If you can't take time off from work to go visit Mexico before moving there, I think the smartest thing for you to do would be find a new job. It sounds like your bosses are assholes, and there is no reason for you to feel that you're in the position to move to a country you've never even visited because the boss of your restaurant job wouldn't let you take off work.

Seriously, that's a big deal. I have a friend who just got married to a guy she hadn't known very long (I'm not saying that's your situation). He's in the Navy stationed in Hawaii, and she moved from Illinois to be with him there, not knowing anyone but him. Now, that's not even another country and she knows the language, but it's been very difficult for her. She doesn't come out and say it, but I can tell that she is lonely because he works all the time, and it's hard for her to not be working. It's hard for her to connect with most of the other Navy wives. I think she and her husband have a good relationship, but I wouldn't want to be in that situation for anything -- in a faraway place and completely financially dependent upon someone else, with no friends or family. You say he's saved up money, but have you? Before moving to another country, I would want to have an "escape fund" if I needed it -- and I'm a very impulsive person.

I'm not saying that this would ever happen in a million years, but what if something went wrong while you were there? I always think of that when I get myself into a situation -- what if, for example, my fiance cheated on me or hit me? Believe me, I don't think that would ever happen in a million years, but nobody ever expects that. I need to know that no matter where I am, if things go bad in my relationship I can get the hell out. How would you get out if it became necessary?

In terms of moving into a house that you've not seen -- I really say don't do it. When my fiance and I just moved to Colorado out of the blue, we almost rented an apartment without coming to look at them first. Let me tell you, I'm so glad we didn't do that. Things that sounded good were awful, horrible places where I would be absolutely miserable. I can't stress enough that you really, REALLY should go visit first, no matter what you have to do to make that happen. Losing your job or taking on some debt to visit Mexico is absolutely nothing compared to being stuck there and miserable -- and I'm not saying you would be miserable, but you're going to be far better off if you educate yourself before going there.
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Old 01-01-2004, 12:17 AM
PiEp299 PiEp299 is offline
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First of all, why did he move here in the first place? Was it for a better life? If so, that tells you what kind of area he is from. Also, why is he running home to mommy(her suggestion of when is a red flag for that one)? If that's any indication, then he's a momma's boy which doesn't bode well for you with the whole "don't bring a gringo home" thing, you will be around his fam alot regardless of what he says or you think.
My suggestion is to find a real man who doesn't run when things get tough. It's time he grew a pair and stopped being a selfish prick who wants you to do what he wants instead of what's best for you (the sign of a REAL gentleman).
Also, jealousy could become a HUGE problem since you don't seem to spend too much time away from each other...can he not get another job there without the jackass boss? Can you say red flag...I can. He also lives down the hall from you, I doubt he has any trust whatsoever.
The friend thing is just an excuse, if you find a real reason, move...otherwise, don't waste your time.

Last edited by PiEp299; 01-01-2004 at 12:19 AM.
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  #10  
Old 01-01-2004, 01:53 AM
Munchkin03 Munchkin03 is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by valkyrie
I'm not saying that this would ever happen in a million years, but what if something went wrong while you were there?
There are stories all the time of women who follow their husbands to their home countries without seeing hide nor hair of their new homes or new families and are unhappy--and that's saying nothing of the marriage. The language barrier alone is daunting, but what about the cultural ramifications of being in a place where, as a woman, you do not have the same rights and priveleges you have here in the States? It's also very important to have an outside support system--which may not be as accessible in another nation that does not have the same conveniences as readily as we have them in the US.

You simply owe it to yourself to educate yourself as much as possible about the environment from which your boyfriend comes.
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Old 01-01-2004, 02:10 AM
James James is offline
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I am reminded of that movie with Sally Fields: Not without my daughter. . .

Go rent it. She follows her Doctor husband home to his country and has an awful time lol . ..

There are considerations . . . like if you had a child and wanted to divorce him and move back . . well you could kiss custody good bye.

Look . . . Everyone gave great advice. Have enough money to leave if you had to and go spend the summer down there in your own room. . . get to know them and all . . .

Now, I am impulsive enough to just marry and just gallavant off like that for love . .. but I am also strong willed enough to cut my losses if something went even a little wrong.

If you are not the type of person that easily escpaes bad relationships or situations you do not just want to pop off to Mexico and be at the mercy of people you don't know.
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Old 01-01-2004, 12:37 PM
AlphaFrog AlphaFrog is offline
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He's not running from anything here. He came here because he has 11 brothers and sisters and he wanted to help out the family. The plan was always for him to return to Mexico when enough of his siblings were old enough to work for themselves, and he'd saved up enough money for himself and his own family. The reason he puts up with the asshole boss is because although they treat him like less then a human, they pay him outstandingly well-Plus give him very cheap rent right above the restaraunt, and let him eat whatever he wants for free while at work (which is most of the time). He has 1 bill to take care of every month, $100 for rent, and other then that it's incidental expensis like laundry, entertaintment and food for the 3 meals a week he isn't at the restaraunt. He's willing to put up with the asshole boss for that whole package.

And yes, mommy wants him home-in February...and he told her no and he's waiting till May, which is huge because for one he's very close to his family, and two in Mexico you are taught to respect your elders and especially parents wishes, no matter how old you are. He did tell me he'd wait longer but I love him too much to make him put up with the asshole boss for that much longer. Plus, I know he's not happy here and the only reason he hasn't gone back already is because of me. He reats me like a princess and I want to treat him with the same respect.
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  #13  
Old 01-01-2004, 08:52 PM
James James is offline
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You seemed so sensisble when I first spoke to you on GC lol . .

Where is your intellegent detachment?

You are talking like a love sick puppy. You can be a love sick puppy and still have your brain connected.

The most important thing is to balance your personal security with your love affair.

If he is willing to stay until May then its perfect. You can finish out your semester and then go spend the summer with him in Mexico.

Where is the problem? It allows you to hedge your bet. If things are wonderful you can think about not coming baclk next Fall.

If you want to marry after th summer . . well its up to you. But I would rcomend making damn sure you don't have any kids until you settle in for a few years.

Look, even Valkyrie is urging caution and she is competent and confident example of the female species.

Also, be detached enough to realize that being in a socially isolated situtation and in a hateful job like you are is likely to color your prceptions of him leaving and create a sense of urgency as well as feelings of being trapped that may not really exist.

Good luck

PS. In the end, even if it doesn't work out its not amajor deal unless you have kids. So be a several years into it before you start having them.
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Old 01-01-2004, 09:45 PM
texas*princess texas*princess is offline
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I definitely agree with James here.... you really should proceed with caution. Please don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like your mind was already made up that you were moving to Mexico, but asked the question on GC anyway.

Everyone here has presented some very true-to-life examples of what could go wrong, and ways you need to protect yourself, and you really need to think about it before making a decision that huge.. and it really seems like you don't want to hear it because it's not what you want to hear.

What about you and your family? I don't know if you don't mind that you will be living hundreds if not thousands miles away from them?

Also, valkyrie presented some very real concerns that she had when she moved with her finacee', so you really should consider that b/c she knows what she's talking about

Please don't take this as a personal attack, because that was certainly not my intention. I just really think you sound a little starry-eyed and need a reality check because life isn't always a fairytale unfortunately
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Old 01-01-2004, 10:19 PM
AchtungBaby80 AchtungBaby80 is offline
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I really think you ought to listen to what everyone's saying...some of it's harsh, but I was thinking about your situation just today because it's so similar to the one I was in. My ex had a horrible job where he had to work weird hours and his bosses were complete maniacs (they ended up fleeing the country because they got in some kind of trouble), but he was getting free lodging by living in their basement so he stayed. His mother was much like you describe your boyfriend's mother--she made it clear that she thought her son should be back home (with her) and not gallivanting around America. Never mind the fact that his own country is a mess and he had a much better chance for a future over here. He moved home "temporarily" last February to get a job in order to earn enough to finish school, and he asked me to come. I didn't, because I knew he wouldn't come back here. And I am so glad. I miss him, but anyone who would want to go back to that is a raving lunatic.

The part I'm really worried about is his mother. When you marry a guy, you marry his family, too. Some may disagree with me, but if his mother is really like you say she is, you've got a problem. She'll be sticking her nose into everything, and try to tell you what to do...can you live with that? I don't want to sound cruel, but I really don't want to see anyone get caught in that situation--I know people who have, and it's been a disaster. Just be very careful.
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