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  #1  
Old 12-04-2017, 07:57 PM
rileykae rileykae is offline
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Still looking for a home after the storm

The summer of 2016, I had an experience that would change my life forever - my privacy, wellbeing and sense of identity as a female were taken from me when I was assaulted in June of 2016. Due to that, my gender identity flipped from female to genderfluid, and I wanted nothing to do with the woman that I was because I had been taken advantage of. Being so, I went into Sept 2016 looking at the different Greek orgs - but looking a fraternities that may accept gender fluid individuals.

As luck would have it, one opened their heart and let me in, but things only got worse from there.

I have disaffiliated from them because my wellbeing, mental health and general quality of life were heavily being affected by the organization in a negative way. I was being manipulated and taken advantage of by one of the members of the org and his girlfriend constantly, and when i tried confronting them about it, it was denied and no one would listen to me. It grew to the point where my schooling and participation in other things were being affected due to the anxiety and guilt I felt over things that were happening. And because the organization's alumni were doing nothing to help me in this time or fix the people that were an issue, I feel I had no choice but to leave in order to protect myself.

But that wasn't all, before I left, for a solid three months prior, I hadn't felt like I belonged. My identity was female again by that time, like it is currently and will always stay, and I wanted to find a group of people that I could be myself with - by joining the fraternity under the circumstances I had, I knew I couldn't do that.

In leaving I became my true self again, but due to the abuse I was put through, I feel like I'll never find a home again.

I was wondering if there is a precedent for a person like me looking into a sorority to find a home in greek life after such an experience and if I am even allowed to continue trying to find a home where I truly belong.

If anyone can help me think this through and maybe offer any advice, please let me know.
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  #2  
Old 12-04-2017, 08:17 PM
Cheerio Cheerio is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rileykae View Post
The summer of 2016, I had an experience that would change my life forever - my privacy, wellbeing and sense of identity as a female were taken from me when I was assaulted in June of 2016. Due to that, my gender identity flipped from female to genderfluid, and I wanted nothing to do with the woman that I was because I had been taken advantage of. Being so, I went into Sept 2016 looking at the different Greek orgs - but looking a fraternities that may accept gender fluid individuals.

As luck would have it, one opened their heart and let me in, but things only got worse from there.

I have disaffiliated from them because my wellbeing, mental health and general quality of life were heavily being affected by the organization in a negative way. I was being manipulated and taken advantage of by one of the members of the org and his girlfriend constantly, and when i tried confronting them about it, it was denied and no one would listen to me. It grew to the point where my schooling and participation in other things were being affected due to the anxiety and guilt I felt over things that were happening. And because the organization's alumni were doing nothing to help me in this time or fix the people that were an issue, I feel I had no choice but to leave in order to protect myself.

But that wasn't all, before I left, for a solid three months prior, I hadn't felt like I belonged. My identity was female again by that time, like it is currently and will always stay, and I wanted to find a group of people that I could be myself with - by joining the fraternity under the circumstances I had, I knew I couldn't do that.

In leaving I became my true self again, but due to the abuse I was put through, I feel like I'll never find a home again.

I was wondering if there is a precedent for a person like me looking into a sorority to find a home in greek life after such an experience and if I am even allowed to continue trying to find a home where I truly belong.

If anyone can help me think this through and maybe offer any advice, please let me know.
QFP
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  #3  
Old 12-04-2017, 08:20 PM
clemsongirl clemsongirl is offline
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You've tried multiple sororities at your university's campus, haven't you? You may have to accept that Greek Life is not for you in this place and time. Focus on your own well-being first.
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  #4  
Old 12-04-2017, 10:54 PM
carnation carnation is offline
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  #5  
Old 12-04-2017, 11:15 PM
Xidelt Xidelt is offline
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You've tried multiple orgs and had various conflicts and issues. I think you need to focus on your mental health, academics, and who you feel you are as a person. Greek life isn't for everyone. And it isn't the be-all, end-all.
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  #6  
Old 12-04-2017, 11:17 PM
NinjaPoodle NinjaPoodle is offline
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First, I agree with this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by clemsongirl View Post
..... Focus on your own well-being first.

Second, I found on Wiki 2 orgs that are specific to transgender women:

1. Gamma Rho Lambda (ΓΡΛ) - first LGBTQ sorority for women, transwomen, transmen, and non-binary students of any race or sexual orientation

2. Chi Upsilon Omega - Greek-lettered sorority for transgender women, founded in Atlanta, Georgia, established in 2013

Other orgs listed for LGBTQ sorted by orgs for men, women all, and TransWomen

From the same page:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_o...nsgender_women

"This is a list of LGBT and LGBT-friendly fraternities and sororities. Such groups have existed since the 1980s, with Delta Phi Upsilon being established in 1985 and Delta Lambda Phi in 1986. They are intended to provide members with access to Greek life without fear of homophobic reprisal or behavior by fellow members, resulting from a history of intrafraternal homophobia by longer-established organizations. This is not an exhaustive list and only includes organizations with a current Wikipedia page."



Third, have you considered starting your own org?
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  #7  
Old 12-04-2017, 11:25 PM
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thetalady thetalady is offline
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RileyKae, you have already pledged and quit 2 sororities... at least 2 that I kept up with. Then you looked into starting a local and gave up on that. I think you started a chapter to Beta Sigma Phi next, correct? Then pledged & quit a fraternity.

What happened to the BSP chapter that you started? At this point, that might be an option. You have kind of run the gamut on traditional GLO options. Frankly, you have received more chances than anyone else I have ever heard of.
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  #8  
Old 12-04-2017, 11:28 PM
clemsongirl clemsongirl is offline
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Originally Posted by thetalady View Post
RileyKae, you have already pledged and quit 2 sororities... at least 2 that I kept up with. Then you looked into starting a local and gave up on that. I think you started a chapter to Beta Sigma Phi next, correct? Then pledged & quit a fraternity.

What happened to the BSP chapter that you started? At this point, that might be an option. You have kind of run the gamut on traditional GLO options. Frankly, you have received more chances than anyone else I have ever heard of.
To add to this, regardless of the perceived validity of your own reasons, why would any other org want to take someone who has quit so many groups? Why should they not assume that you will just leave them too?
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  #9  
Old 12-05-2017, 01:03 AM
rileykae rileykae is offline
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In reply

As far as Beta Sigma Phi went I tried to start a chapter at my campus and because of the tax situation that org has, it was not approved by the school as a chapter, thus it went no further. There are also no chapters near me that I could join, so it was a moot point as I felt completely alone.

As far starting a local I wanted to do an online one to widen the scope of members, but my friends are flakely and the ones that were supposed to help me didn't even do that, so that failed as one.

I was only really in one local sorority - the second local one chose to let me go before I was fully initiated, I didn't leave voluntarily and I would gladly go back to them if they would offer me a second chance to show I could be good for them.

as for the two orgs I did have issues with, I left because I felt I was forced and had no other options, as going inactive in either was out of the question due to the size of the groups - alumni of both groups and advising/people at school I could contact regarding the matter said there was nothing I could do besides leaving. I didn't quit because I wanted to.

I'd just hope that any org that would even read my story would consider the chance of offering me that ability to find home - because if I can find it, I can promise I'll stay. Though they may assume I'll leave, I can prove otherwise if given the chance - I just have to hope someone will lend an ear to an honest conversation.

And to the note about the LGBT+ - I am fully female, I am not transgender. Trying to found one of these or a new org at my school is near impossible because a few groups get all of the attention on campus and any smaller group trying to gain members has a very hard time to the point where it's better off if you don't even try.
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  #10  
Old 12-05-2017, 01:27 AM
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thetalady thetalady is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rileykae View Post
As far as Beta Sigma Phi went I tried to start a chapter at my campus and because of the tax situation that org has, it was not approved by the school as a chapter, thus it went no further. There are also no chapters near me that I could join, so it was a moot point as I felt completely alone.

As far starting a local I wanted to do an online one to widen the scope of members, but my friends are flakely and the ones that were supposed to help me didn't even do that, so that failed as one.

I was only really in one local sorority - the second local one chose to let me go before I was fully initiated, I didn't leave voluntarily and I would gladly go back to them if they would offer me a second chance to show I could be good for them.

as for the two orgs I did have issues with, I left because I felt I was forced and had no other options, as going inactive in either was out of the question due to the size of the groups - alumni of both groups and advising/people at school I could contact regarding the matter said there was nothing I could do besides leaving. I didn't quit because I wanted to.

I'd just hope that any org that would even read my story would consider the chance of offering me that ability to find home - because if I can find it, I can promise I'll stay. Though they may assume I'll leave, I can prove otherwise if given the chance - I just have to hope someone will lend an ear to an honest conversation.

And to the note about the LGBT+ - I am fully female, I am not transgender. Trying to found one of these or a new org at my school is near impossible because a few groups get all of the attention on campus and any smaller group trying to gain members has a very hard time to the point where it's better off if you don't even try.
Both of the sororities that you pledged DO "count".

At this point, you need to work on figuring out who YOU are. Considering yourself no longer female and then changing your mind again in a few months shows that you are in desperate need of help. A sorority cannot give you the kind of help that you need. I wish you only the best in getting to a place where you are comfortable.
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  #11  
Old 12-05-2017, 05:59 AM
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AZTheta AZTheta is offline
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Have read through this thread and other threads you've started. In that light, perhaps you could consider the following:

(1) GC is not the place for you to be seeking answers to the questions and issues that are haunting you. That place is a professional's office. Greek life is not a mythical or magical "home" that will heal you. And your posts are concerning.

(2) In all your threads and posts, there is a common element: lack of insight into your own part in all the failed attempts at Greek life. That takes us back to my first point.

To be successful and live a connected, meaningful life, you need to be comfortable in your own skin, and know your place in the universe. It cannot be dependent on what others think of you. Nor can it be found outside yourself. You have to do the hard work on the inside first.
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  #12  
Old 12-05-2017, 06:54 AM
carnation carnation is offline
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Originally Posted by AZTheta View Post
Have read through this thread and other threads you've started. In that light, perhaps you could consider the following:

(1) GC is not the place for you to be seeking answers to the questions and issues that are haunting you. That place is a professional's office. Greek life is not a mythical or magical "home" that will heal you. And your posts are concerning.

(2) In all your threads and posts, there is a common element: lack of insight into your own part in all the failed attempts at Greek life. That takes us back to my first point.

To be successful and live a connected, meaningful life, you need to be comfortable in your own skin, and know your place in the universe. It cannot be dependent on what others think of you. Nor can it be found outside yourself. You have to do the hard work on the inside first.

Perfect!
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  #13  
Old 12-05-2017, 10:19 AM
LaneSig LaneSig is online now
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rileykae- You stated that you have disaffiliated from Triangle. Were you initiated, or did you de-pledge before initiation?
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  #14  
Old 12-05-2017, 11:22 AM
Sororitysock Sororitysock is offline
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You don't need a sorority. You need a psychiatrist.
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  #15  
Old 12-05-2017, 12:18 PM
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AZTheta AZTheta is offline
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rileykae, I had another thought to share with you (and others reading who may have something to add):

Sorority membership is not going to complete you. You join a sorority just as you are. You change during the course of your membership, just as non-members change. It's part of the human journey at that time in life. HOWEVER

being in a sorority can (and often will) magnify all your flaws, and shortcomings, and weaknesses. Trust me. If you're not in a stable place to begin with, being in a group of women who have, on the outside, everything you think you want/need/lack, will only make you feel much worse about yourself. Comparing your insides to everyone else's outsides is a sure-fire recipe for disaster. You bring yourself to the table just as you are. It's not the reverse. The group doesn't "fix" you or anyone else. It goes back to insight, doing the hard work, etc. Seeking validation outwardly is only going to make you feel worse than you already do.

Everyone has that place where they feel "home". While I love my chapter of Kappa Alpha Theta, and all my sisters (not just Theta, but all my Panhellenic sisters), it is not home for me. It is a part of who I am, and I cherish it. Home, the place I feel safe and never want to leave, is actually more than just a geographic location or a group of people. It's much more than that. And it's personal, therefore private.

Please consider options that will change you based on your own efforts directed at yourself. In my opinion, Greek life is not a direction I'd be moving in, in your situation.
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