Is it normal to regret which sorority you joined?

[FirePaint]

I have been in therapy for some time, and I am well aware that people my age are not equipped to handle such problems. But, when I do go to them with problems, it would be nice to actually be listened to, rather than blown off. Even just a "I can't really help, but if you need to talk, I'll listen," would be nice to hear. And, to an extent I agree that a lot of these problems are my own.

However, I stand by what I said about this chapter's sisterhood in particular, and not only because of what I've experienced personally. My roommate went into the chapter room and asked if anyone had seen me - everyone shrugged and responded, "Nope." She asked, "Well, did anyone text her?" All they said was, "Nope." So she said, "Okay, well I'll text her. I'll let you know what she says." Their response: "Who cares?" On top of that, my roommate has been in the kitchen and she hears some of the sisters gossiping about her from the other room. She's on our executive council, and even she's considered dropping because of the way we treat each other. Everyone, and I'm including myself, is so unapproachable that it just makes for a miserable sisterhood.

To *winter* - I've never heard of residential programs for depression? What are those? Do you have any more information about them?

[princessamy]

Residential Programs for depression are treatment centers where you stay at a facility for an extended period of time. Some may require you to stay a minimum of 30days but can recommend you to stay longer to get the proper help you need. During these programs you use different forms of therapy such as art, muisc and group (for example) to help teach you how to cope with your depression. Also most of these facilities are private so some insurances might work and some might be self pay.

[thetalady]

Originally Posted by FirePaint

I have been in therapy for some time, and I am well aware that people my age are not equipped to handle such problems. But, when I do go to them with problems, it would be nice to actually be listened to, rather than blown off. Even just a "I can't really help, but if you need to talk, I'll listen," would be nice to hear. And, to an extent I agree that a lot of these problems are my own.

However, I stand by what I said about this chapter's sisterhood in particular, and not only because of what I've experienced personally. My roommate went into the chapter room and asked if anyone had seen me - everyone shrugged and responded, "Nope." She asked, "Well, did anyone text her?" All they said was, "Nope." So she said, "Okay, well I'll text her. I'll let you know what she says." Their response: "Who cares?" On top of that, my roommate has been in the kitchen and she hears some of the sisters gossiping about her from the other room. She's on our executive council, and even she's considered dropping because of the way we treat each other. Everyone, and I'm including myself, is so unapproachable that it just makes for a miserable sisterhood.

OK, you win. We agree. They are bitches & a terrible sisterhood. It was a mistake to join. Quit now. Go get help for yourself without this weighing you down.

[DubaiSis]

What thetalady said sounds really harsh, but guess what? It's probably what your sisters are saying as well. They aren't equipped to help you and you talking about it at them instead of with someone who can actually help you might have caused them to succumb to the same attitude. Step 1 is acknowledgement. Great, you're there. But step 2 is doing something about it, and it doesn't sound like you're there yet. And if you've been in therapy for some time now and are still this depressed, it's time to find a new therapist.

I've known more than my share (IMO) of people with pretty serious mental health issues. I've seen people come out of really severe problems (the aliens snipping pieces of her vagina) and I've seen people wallow in misery and self-destruction year after year after year. You can choose to be either one. But "no seriously, my problem is really really bad and nobody appreciates how hard it is" is not getting you anywhere. The fact that you've worn us out and we don't even know you is pretty indicative of how your sisters must feel.

[FirePaint]

I'm sorry but if I've "worn" you out, you're free to leave. And you should also keep in mind that you all know more about me than my sisters do, since they only care about some good gossip, and I've been too terrified of their reaction to talk about things such as my miscarriage, which I NEVER asked anyone to understand. But when I told my roommate, she just hugged me and listened. That's all I want from the rest of my chapter.

I've acknowledged where I've had fault in this chapter and in my situation. But I'm sorry, it is not entirely my own fault. I have tried to reach out to sisters, and not just for serious conversations, but just to chat, and I have always been turned down. And it gets so exhausting to keep trying to reach out, when I'm the only one doing so. Someone should be trying to reach out to me, too. It's a two-way street.

As far as finding a new therapist - I really can't, since I'm using one of the school's free therapists. I have never said, "my problem is really really bad and nobody appreciates how hard it is." The fact that I'm even in therapy should show that I'm TRYING to get better, but I don't have a support system, which only makes the process more difficult.

[adpiucf]

You DO have a support system of family and friends. Again, sorority sisters and house mates are not instant best friends. They're members in the same organization as you are. It takes a lot of time to cultivate relationships. You are resentful of these women, and it seems like they don't care for you either. No one owes you friendship, but you all owe one another respect. You're not respecting them and they aren't respecting you, and if you genuinely want them to care about you then you need to step it up and show them some respect and friendship to get things started. What you have done is not enough. And it doesn't seem like you have an interest in being the bigger person. So, cut your losses and cancel your membership at the end of the semester. You're living in the house, so you're stuck there until your lease ends or you pay to break it (which is foolish, seeing as the semester is 1/2-way over). At the very least, you could petition in the fall for inactivity due to medical reasons if your sorority allows it.

This message board is populated by Greeks who live and die by their organizations. When the going gets tough, we step it up in our chapters, knowing problems aren't solved overnight and we are both part of the problem and the solution. We're naturally inclined to tell people to stick it out for the good of the organization because that is what we would do. Your circumstances are very unique, and I don't think Greek Life is right for you at this point. It takes a lot of effort and energy to turn a chapter around, and your priority needs to be getting yourself better right now.

Your dismissive "if you don't like what I am saying, then leave" comment is not appreciated. You came on this board seeking advice. I'm sorry that you don't like the advice given. But what did you expect? We love Greek Life. That's why this is Greek Chat. I truly wish you the best, but stop blaming your sorority for your unhappiness. Just leave the sorority. You will still feel upset and angry, but at least you can channel the anger away from the sorority and work on your own problems. Leave them to work on theirs as an organization.

Yes, it is normal to feel buyers' remorse. And every sorority and every sorority member goes through issues where people feel the membership is being disrespectful or incohesive at some point. That's what happens in any large group, Greek or not. It's human nature and group dynamics. But what you are experiencing goes beyond that and has less to do with the sorority and more to do with that unfortunate chain of events you've experienced. So go work on yourself and leave the sorority to work on itself.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by adpiucf

You DO have a support system of family and friends. Again, sorority sisters and house mates are not instant best friends. They're members in the same organization as you are. It takes a lot of time to cultivate relationships. You are resentful of these women, and it seems like they don't care for you either. No one owes you friendship, but you all owe one another respect. You're not respecting them and they aren't respecting you, and if you genuinely want them to care about you then you need to step it up and show them some respect and friendship to get things started. What you have done is not enough. And it doesn't seem like you have an interest in being the bigger person. So, cut your losses and cancel your membership at the end of the semester. You're living in the house, so you're stuck there until your lease ends or you pay to break it (which is foolish, seeing as the semester is 1/2-way over). At the very least, you could petition in the fall for inactivity due to medical reasons if your sorority allows it.

This message board is populated by Greeks who live and die by their organizations. When the going gets tough, we step it up in our chapters, knowing problems aren't solved overnight and we are both part of the problem and the solution. We're naturally inclined to tell people to stick it out for the good of the organization because that is what we would do. Your circumstances are very unique, and I don't think Greek Life is right for you at this point. It takes a lot of effort and energy to turn a chapter around, and your priority needs to be getting yourself better right now.

Your dismissive "if you don't like what I am saying, then leave" comment is not appreciated. You came on this board seeking advice. I'm sorry that you don't like the advice given. But what did you expect? We love Greek Life. That's why this is Greek Chat. I truly wish you the best, but stop blaming your sorority for your unhappiness. Just leave the sorority. You will still feel upset and angry, but at least you can channel the anger away from the sorority and work on your own problems. Leave them to work on theirs as an organization.

Yes, it is normal to feel buyers' remorse. And every sorority and every sorority member goes through issues where people feel the membership is being disrespectful or incohesive at some point. That's what happens in any large group, Greek or not. It's human nature and group dynamics. But what you are experiencing goes beyond that and has less to do with the sorority and more to do with that unfortunate chain of events you've experienced. So go work on yourself and leave the sorority to work on itself.

Excellent post. A lot of water has flowed under this bridge, and we aren't privy to both sides of this story to assess what is going on in your chapter. If everything is EXACTLY as you describe (which it never is when the other side of the story comes into play) this chapter has sisterhood issues and needs guidance, but they are still people that may have issues just like you. You haven't interacted meaningfully with them in anyway to know why the chapter's sisterhood may be lacking. Sisterhood means being there in the good times and the bad INCLUDING when people aren't getting along. It happens to real sisters. You have to work at relationships. I agree with adpiucf. This isn't your struggle. Leave the chapter to deal with their sisterhood issues, and you worry about yourself. Stop blaming everyone else for your unhappiness and focus on how YOU can make yourself happy.

[KDCat]

Originally Posted by FirePaint

And it gets so exhausting to keep trying to reach out, when I'm the only one doing so. Someone should be trying to reach out to me, too. It's a two-way street.

You can't change your chapter sisters' behavior. You don't have control over it. The only thing you can do is continue to work to make friends in the chapter. You can continue to reach out to people and put in the face time to make friends. Find the people who respond to your friendly overtures and follow up with them. Let the rest go. Don't focus on the people who are bitchy. Focus on the people who are friendly.

You're the only one who can decide if it's worth it to continue to make the effort. It's your decision. If it's not worth it to you, then it's not worth it.

[*winter*]

Originally Posted by princessamy

Residential Programs for depression are treatment centers where you stay at a facility for an extended period of time. Some may require you to stay a minimum of 30days but can recommend you to stay longer to get the proper help you need. During these programs you use different forms of therapy such as art, muisc and group (for example) to help teach you how to cope with your depression. Also most of these facilities are private so some insurances might work and some might be self pay.

This... In addition, if you are a true threat to yourself or others, you can go inpatient to any hospital with a psychiatric unit for a week or so. Usually until you get properly medicated and are no longer a threat to yourself.

These hospitals usually continue the level of care in IOP- intensive outpatient programs. Basically, you are not "sick" enough to be IN the hospital, but you need the support of a program several days a week. They do everything from teach about what depression, addiction, etc is (obviously depending on the program you are here for). They also teach coping skills, life management and provide an outlet for you to get past the early stages of recovery from depression. The IOPs usually last 2-5 weeks, 2-4 days a week, 3-5 hours a day. You can interview at the hospital for a spot in IOP without being IN the hospital. Most insurances cover IOP since it's way cheaper than, and can prevent hospital stays.

If you have problems with eating disorders, there are programs specifically for those- in patient to IOP (in most major cities.). This may be something you need to look into specifically, depending on how much of a problem an eating disorder is for you.

Basically, you are cutting and using disordered eating to deal with your feelings and issues, and you need to take some steps towards learning different coping skills. preferably in the summer, so you are in a better frame of mind to return to school next fall. Eventually, these issues may consume your life to the point where you cannot continue to function as a student.

As for the sorority, honestly- if it is that "bad" then you are better off without it. It's causing undue stress in your life and that is the last thing you need right now. Focus on you and getting things together, and you'll be in a better place to make friends.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by FirePaint

As far as finding a new therapist - I really can't, since I'm using one of the school's free therapists.

Unless the school only HAS one therapist, yes, you can find another one. You are paying their salary. Squeaky wheel gets the greasin'. Sometimes a therapist (at ANY point of life) is great for person A and awful for person B. Like any other objective service, you need to find the one you like and that fits you. Go to the head of student services and say "My therapist isn't making me feel like I'm getting anywhere. I want to be reassigned."

You've said previously that you go home every weekend, don't participate in social events, don't hang out even casually with other sisters (eating in the student center alone all the time doesn't help) and have a fiance who takes up what seems like your remaining free time. If this has been your m.o. for a year and a half, your sisters don't KNOW you, and by this point just don't see your friendship - even if you're offering it - as a value-add.

[greekdee]

Wow, I just had a flashback after reading 33girl's comment about your sisters not KNOWING you. This is a valid point you might want to give some honest thought to. I remember a sister who pledged and initiated, but was rarely around the sorority her first year of school. If it wasn't mandatory, she opted to opt out. The reason? A boyfriend who she was completely wrapped up in. As I recall, our general perception was that she definitely saw her sisters as a lessor priority and as people she would only be around if she HAD to be in order to avoid a fine. She could have been going through a terrible personal crisis, but none of us would have known her well enough to pick up on clues or feel comfortable approaching her.

Well, she and the boyfriend broke up over the summer and she returned to school -- and fall recruitment -- with an entirely different attitude. I remember my roommate saying, "I think she's realized how important her sisters are." She may have initially thrown herself into recruitment and sorority life to help fill her time and recover from the break up, but you know what? She found her place, her close friends and a true love for the sorority. I graduated a year ahead of her, but she stayed involved in the sorority even when a new boyfriend came into the picture. (She later married him, so it got serious, but she kept things better balanced the second time around.)

Also, you said you go home every weekend to work. I understand needing to work, and don't know how far home is, but packing up and traveling every weekend sounds like one more stress-inducer. Have you considered finding a job on or near campus? I also understand wanting to see your family and boyfriend...but hitting the road every single weekend? That is a lot for anyone, and Greek or not, you do miss out on some of the college experience when you head out-of-town a lot.

Just a few thoughts...

[FirePaint]

I have tried to look for jobs on or near campus, but all on-campus jobs are work-study (which I don't have) and I don't have a car to get anywhere off-campus. Everyone seems to be putting a lot of emphasis on how I shouldn't be engaged or whatnot - we have postponed all wedding planning for the time being, for various reasons, though we still are technically engaged, we are not planning a wedding. Hence why I sometimes refer to him as a boyfriend, and sometimes as a fiance.

Over the past week or so, I have tried to put myself out there a little more - I had a conversation with my suitemate the other day, that elicited mixed responses.

As far as "the college experience" goes... Well, at my school, I have no desire to be a part of that. All anybody is drink and party, because there's simply nothing else to do - we don't have very many campus events. That makes things very difficult, because that's when many people get to know each other, but I don't have that in common with anybody (not just in the sorority, but all around campus). One of the reasons I was drawn to this sorority was because of the alcohol policy, but it never occurred to me that everybody drank in their spare time when there wasn't an event.

There are just so many little things that keep getting in the way, ranging from personal issues of my own (such as being a bit socially inept) to things that are completely out of my control (such as how others act). It's hard, and I really just wish it could have been different. At this point, it feels that there are just so many different reasons why things at this school and sorority were not meant to work out, and that's alright. I suppose it's just a sign that I'm not where I'm supposed to be.

[Cheerio]

Originally Posted by FirePaint

I suppose it's just a sign that I'm not where I'm supposed to be.

Let there be light.

[*winter*]

Are you transferring schools eventually?

I can relate to the socially inept part. I thought joining a sorority would suddenly just create that college experience for me- an automatic social and philanthropic schedule and tons of new sisters/friends! But like everyone e else has said, it does take work and effort to find your friends in the sorority. Me, I just threw myself at them, I went to basically any event they had for the first 6 months- parties, meetings, dinners, homecoming stuff, volunteer stuff.

As a person who has this social inept-ness thing going on, I can say that residential college life just wasn't for me. I tried it, left...went back and tried again and left again. It's not for everyone. I eventually graduated from a private university in my city by working and attending classes part-time. I do find the "adult" world easier to deal with than the 24/7 forced interactions of residential college life.

I am very close to two of the girls from my sorority- my Big and a pledge sister. Some others, I've grown very close to via Facebook/online over the years. So, you never know. Sometimes people who have nothing in common at one stage of life move on and come together later on in life as friends.

[FirePaint]

Yes, mainly due to financials and my therapist's recommendation, I'll be going to community college for a semester or two starting this fall. I'm not sure yet if I'll transfer back to my current school or not after community college, but I don't want to go back to the school just because it's what I'm familiar with - I want to fully explore my options, which I didn't do when applying to colleges in high school. I feel like I can finally start fresh, and maybe it'll be like you said - I can get closer to my sisters later in life, when we have more in common.

I would also like to apologize for any immaturity in any of my posts. I have been forced to mature very quickly in the past couple of years, and I often help friends and family with their personal issues, being forced to stay strong and mature the entire time. When I get upset, as I have been while posting here, I lose that, and have some immature tendencies, and I know those can be difficult to deal with sometimes. When I'm upset, acting a little immature is the only way I can really act my age, rather than acting more mature. So I would just like to apologize for that.