Trying to feel comfortable in new sorority

[HappyMom2]

At her school, if you go to preference and rank all of the sororities you have at preference, you are guaranteed a bid. If that is the only party you have, you are guaranteed a bid to that sorority.

[HappyMom2]

My daughter wouldn't have felt comfortable telling her 2nd and 3rd choice that she wanted to be somewhere else. I just know she's been replaying what she could have, should have, would have done. She also is wondering if maybe she should have put her 3rd choice 2nd. No matter what, it is over and she can't turn back time. The reasons she wasn't high enough on the bid list don't matter anymore and we understand that. But she can't help but wonder what if.

Everyone says that it is easy to get lost in a really big school if you aren't part of Greek life, so maybe she will stay with it. In the meantime, not only is she trying to concentrate on getting to know girls in her sorority, she is looking at other things on campus that she can get involved with. She is used to disappointments and always seems to handle them well. So, hopefully this will end up with a happy ending too!

[33girl]

As I said, someone better versed in QAs than me will explain that. Suffice it to say it's not like a rollercoaster that can only hold x amount of people.

[HappyMom2]

I understand that. But if she had only had that one sorority at preference, she would have been guaranteed a bid. Either way, she didn't get it, but she did get a bid to a sorority that had her higher on their list. And I'll keep my fingers crossed that she feels like she fits in with them soon!

[TXDG]

Originally Posted by HappyMom2

I understand that. But if she had only had that one sorority at preference, she would have been guaranteed a bid. Either way, she didn't get it, but she did get a bid to a sorority that had her higher on their list. And I'll keep my fingers crossed that she feels like she fits in with them soon!

HappyMom2 is correct in her understanding that if her daughter had only only invitation to Pref she would have been guaranteed a bid to that house - either as part of primary Quota or as a Quota Addition.

The flaw in the daughter's thinking is that she could have controlled having house 2 & 3 release her. Unless she was planning on being downright rude about her desire to be elsewhere, hinting that she had found her home elsewhere would not get a pnm released from most chapters. Especially when those chapters saw something in her that made them think she was perfect for their sisterhood.

A lot of new members don't get their first choice and grow to love the sorority that chose them. The year I was President of my collegiate chapter, two of my VP's were girls who were in TEARS on our freshman Bid Day because DG was not their first choice. I vividly remember them on Bid Day. They got over it & bloomed where they were planted

Mom, I would encourage your daughter to put all her effort into immersing herself in the chapter that choose her. If there are not enough sisterhood events going in her opinion, she should round up all the new members who live in her dorm and go to dinner or coffee or whatever together. She is a member of a BIG group now and will need to understand that the sorority's purpose is not to entertain her and fawn all over her...she has to take responsibility for getting involved and putting herself out there to meet people.

If she still isn't feeling it, remind her she has two options: continue with this chapter or not be Greek at all. A bid to any other house - especially the one she didn't get - is not even a remote "guarantee" and may not even be a possibility.

[nydolphin]

I've seen this many times!! People on campus hype up the top chapters and talk down on the "lower tier" houses.. But there are phenomenal women in each house!

I hope she makes an effort to get to know her pledge class and older sisters. When both sides make an effort to get to know each other, she's bound to find her best friends.

Also, she is going to be a collegiate sorority member for 4 years max- and an alumna for so many! I actually had a little more fun as an alumna since I lived in the big cities.

Originally Posted by TXDG

HappyMom2 is correct in her understanding that if her daughter had only only invitation to Pref she would have been guaranteed a bid to that house - either as part of primary Quota or as a Quota Addition.

The flaw in the daughter's thinking is that she could have controlled having house 2 & 3 release her. Unless she was planning on being downright rude about her desire to be elsewhere, hinting that she had found her home elsewhere would not get a pnm released from most chapters. Especially when those chapters saw something in her that made them think she was perfect for their sisterhood.

A lot of new members don't get their first choice and grow to love the sorority that chose them. The year I was President of my collegiate chapter, two of my VP's were girls who were in TEARS on our freshman Bid Day because DG was not their first choice. I vividly remember them on Bid Day. They got over it & bloomed where they were planted

Mom, I would encourage your daughter to put all her effort into immersing herself in the chapter that choose her. If there are not enough sisterhood events going in her opinion, she should round up all the new members who live in her dorm and go to dinner or coffee or whatever together. She is a member of a BIG group now and will need to understand that the sorority's purpose is not to entertain her and fawn all over her...she has to take responsibility for getting involved and putting herself out there to meet people.

If she still isn't feeling it, remind her she has two options: continue with this chapter or not be Greek at all. A bid to any other house - especially the one she didn't get - is not even a remote "guarantee" and may not even be a possibility.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by nydolphin

I've seen this many times!! People on campus hype up the top chapters and talk down on the "lower tier" houses.. But there are phenomenal women in each house!

I hope she makes an effort to get to know her pledge class and older sisters. When both sides make an effort to get to know each other, she's bound to find her best friends.

Also, she is going to be a collegiate sorority member for 4 years max- and an alumna for so many! I actually had a little more fun as an alumna since I lived in the big cities.

This.

Plus, older sisters will graduate and a new class will come in during the next round of recruitment. Chapters turn over and change quickly, and next time, she'll be on the other side of recruitment and will have a say as to who gets to be in the chapter.

And again, nothing says she can't have friends in other sororities! That's one of the other great things after you graduate - I find that I've made so many friends who don't wear my letters. In school, there can be a lot of division, but afterward, you don't really care. You end up meeting sorority women everywhere, and you get excited when you see ANY letters. And even though you're not sisters, you're all sorority women, and you "get it".

In addition to the thread that ComradesTrue already posted...

Originally Posted by ComradesTrue

Read this thread.

I didn't get my first choice. It gets better.

... I would also encourage you and your daughter to read through these threads. We're all sorority women, and all sororities have great things to offer.

http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/sh...ad.php?t=37621

http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/sh...ad.php?t=87973

http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/sh...ad.php?t=21716

[FSUZeta]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

A big hmmmm? to the statement in bold.

As others have said, your daughter needs to dive head first into her sorority. She needs to make an effort. I know she's your daughter and you want her to be happy, but life is going to throw disappointing situations her way, and she won't always get her first choice, but she needs to find a way to make her own happiness. She needs to give her chapter a chance.

Tell her to look at COB as a great opportunity to a) work with her new sisters, b) help grow the sisterhood, and c) find potential members that she likes and wants to be part of her chapter.

Being part of a sorority is hard work, and I don't just mean in terms of building friendships. There are going to be challenges to overcome and disputes to settle. It's not all ice cream cones dancing on rainbows. And I know from her perspective, it looks that way when she sees members of her top choice around campus. But I promise you, they're not perfect. They have their own problems. And on top of that, they didn't pick her to be their sister.

Your daughter needs to try to connect. And if she truly makes an effort and after six weeks, she's still not feeling it, she can drop before initiation. But she should keep in mind that this may be her only opportunity to be a part of an NPC sorority.

Try to get her to look at the positives and make friends with her new sisters.

Good luck to you both!

Please see 3rd paragraph and share with your daughter. She has the opportunity to add girls she might have made friends with during rush to her sisterhood. Great girls who, for what ever reason, did not receive a bid. What a rare gift, as most new members don't have the ability to affect their chapter so early in their membership.

[HappyMom2]

That is a very good way to look at it! I really appreciate everyone's input and advice!

[Titchou]

One of my dear PH friends got her second choice and was not happy about it at first. She eventually came to love her group, was a collegiate consultant for them her year after graduation, was a Greek adviser and eventually served as a national Vice President on her group's Council. It can turn around!

[tcsparky]

Let's say that there were girls there that only had daughter's top choice as their only choice. OK, them being guaranteed a bid to their ONLY pref chapter would not necessarily have edged her out. If they were ahead of her on the bid list, they would have been placed ahead of her regardless of whether or not they only had the one chapter. (The bid list isn't built by the chapter based on the chapter knowing the PNMs only had the one Pref.) The single-Pref girls would not have edged our daughter if they were lower on the bid list, but would possibly have ended up being quota additions themselves.

Bottom line- if quota was 60, and daughter was not in the top 60, then she didn't get a bid (of course, depending on how many of their "first bid list" the chapter took). Other women only having one Pref didn't affect daughter's bid.

Originally Posted by 33girl

First off, not all groups have a legacy guaranteed bid policy - even if they are at pref - so unless you saw that written on a website or policy handbook, I wouldn't assume that was a factor.

As far as girls with only that sorority left "edging out" your daughter because of guaranteed bids, that doesn't sound right either. Someone on here more versed in dealing with guaranteed bids and QAs will be able to explain that far better than I can.

[HappyMom2]

Ok. It doesn't matter either way. Without going into too much detail, she knows without a doubt that the ones she met liked her and knowing that has made her feel better. Now she's just hoping to make friends in her sorority like she has in the other one. I know she's not alone and I will pass all of this on to her when I get to talk to her again. Sounds like getting involved is the key. I hope she will!

[HappyMom2]

I noticed she put her sorority letters at the top of her Instagram bio! That's a sign that she's settling in. I think she's starting to make some friends already!

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by HappyMom2

I noticed she put her sorority letters at the top of her Instagram bio! That's a sign that she's settling in. I think she's starting to make some friends already!

[ladybug12]

Good luck to your daughter. I hope she is meeting more sisters in her new chapter and is feeling more at home.

Honestly, sometimes I feel like we could just draw names out of a hat and match PNMs to any chapter on a campus and things would work out 90+% of the time. All of our NPC groups are so similar in our values and passion for academics and philanthropy.

So called "tiers" and social status with some fraternities are the only things that separate most chapters. And I know that is very important to an 18 year old but not so much for a 60 year old (with much wisdom).