Just spreading a little holiday cheer. More ridiculous stuff that gets forwarded to me, so I figured i'd share. WARNING, it gets little rough!
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through College state
Students were drinking
And staying up late
The beer cups were all set up pyramid style
And everyone there had been drinking a while
The fratwhores were dancing, the frat boys were drunk
And morons by dumpsters were teasing a skunk
Campus security waddled around
Looking for people passed out on the ground
And inside the houses where asshole was played
Guys in AF shirts tried hard to get laid
"No baby I swear it! You're hotter than hot!
Come over here sweet thang, and have one more shot.
My roommates not home, and I am a stud
I'll prove it! Stand back while I funnel this bud.
Don't worry your boyfriend went home with some chick
Come home with me, shorty. Pass out on my dick."
The beer games continued long into the night
While people did keg stands with all of their might.
When up from the crowed there arose such a cheer
I knew in a moment, some guys brought more beer
"Now ICEHOUSE, now KILLIANS, now BUDLIGHT and NATTY
And break out the weed man, roll up a nice fatty"
"On asshole, drunk driver, on up and down rivers
On circle of death and sorosis of livers!"
The kids were a frenzy, the crowd partied on
Now games could continue till well after dawn
Bad music was playing, Nelly, JA Rule
While girls in black sex-pants tried to look cool
"I like to wear makeup, I like to suck dick,
The goop on my face is like 4 inches thick
I know that this guy won't remember my name
Tomorrow ill do what they call "walk of shame"
"I came in a tank top, I don't wear a jacket
It makes me look fat and then no one will Mac it.
I paid for a beer cup and had just 2 beers
I'm only a freshman, unwise for my years."
The parties raged on, no liquor was lacking
Some chick in the bathroom was already yacking
The room I was in had started its spinning
"Damn beer pong, I guess that's what I get for winning"
Around 4am we decided to leave
I walked out the door and I saw some guy heave.
He had a red coat on, a beard of all white
Scotch in his left hand, beer in his right
He looked kinda familiar, and definitely old
What was he doing out here in the cold?
I asked him "hey man, gonna finish that scotch?"
He threw me the bottle and aimed at my crotch
"Ill tell ya" he slurred, "that I hate my damn job
I'm 50 years old and a fat drunken slob.
All day I watch over those little shit elves
Those miniature morons can't think for themselves."
"My wife's an old bitch who smells just like a trout
She can't even cook and she never puts out.
I live in a wasteland of winter and snow
I got a fat ass and an ugly white fro"
"I gotta train deer and I can't get a car
I'll tell you, that sleigh doesn't get very far.
I wanted a hummer, or maybe a Harley
I'm bitter and old and I look like Chris Farely"
"I fucking hate children, I hate Christmas too
But damn I like scotch, so here's what I do
I get all tanked up and I drive around town
Grab the gifts from my sack and throw the things down"
"I'm done with this job, I quit, I'm retired
Those little shit elves are all gonna be fired
I'm moving to Vegas and getting some sluts
The kind with big jugs and hot little butts."
"Ill tell ya," he said, leaning over a rail
"It's been like 10 years since I got any tail"
Was this really happening? Was he really here?
Was this really Santa clause chugging down beer?
Did I get some acid slipped into my drink?
What in gods name was I 'sposed to think?
I looked at this man, and the man looked at me
No, he was too real to be LSD
"Are you ok man, should I call you a cab?"
It was just then that I noticed his bag.
His infamous sack was filled to the brim
Bursting with bottles of liquor within
Awesome, I thought, and I punched the old man
I grabbed Santa's sack and damnit, I ran.
I left him alone, all passed out in the snow
While I ran back home and snuck in like a pro.
I opened the sack and cheered with delight
There was enough beer here to last a fortnight
"Thanks Santa" I thought "this will last me forever"
"This has definitely been the best Christmas ever"
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HAPPY HOLIDAYS! ( Not the rated G version!)
LMAO
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