Disaffiliating

[stressedattim]

Hi all,

I'm seeking some help regarding disaffiliation. I joined the frat in September of last year and went through the pledge process and am now a brother. The problem now is that I've realized Greek life isn't something that's for me. The frat made pledging so easy. All we had were weekly meetings. While easy, it didn't show me much about the frat. I was able to go through pledging without realizing it isn't what I wanted. you see, Greek Life is a pretty big thing at my school. A whole week is dedicated to rush, and frats hold some pretty epic events throughout the week. While I wasn't forced to pledge anywhere, I felt somewhat pressured since everyone else was doing it. I know that these were the wrong reasons to join a frat. My problem with the house is that I am not close to some of the brothers. And it isn't until now that I've realized this is a problem that probably won't be remedied. I want to disaffiliate, yet at the same time I want them to understand where I'm coming from and I want to keep the friendships I've made with the brothers I am close to. I know though, that this is pretty damnear impossible.

Anyone have any advice as to how I should go about doing this, or whether I should be doing this at all?
Thanks!
All advice is welcome and appreciated


(Oh btw. I don't want to post what frat I'm in at the moment. Unless it comes up, I'd rather not have to)

[knight_shadow]

Originally Posted by stressedattim

Hi all,

I'm seeking some help regarding disaffiliation. I joined the frat in September of last year and went through the pledge process and am now a brother. The problem now is that I've realized Greek life isn't something that's for me. The frat made pledging so easy. All we had were weekly meetings. While easy, it didn't show me much about the frat. I was able to go through pledging without realizing it isn't what I wanted. you see, Greek Life is a pretty big thing at my school. A whole week is dedicated to rush, and frats hold some pretty epic events throughout the week. While I wasn't forced to pledge anywhere, I felt somewhat pressured since everyone else was doing it. I know that these were the wrong reasons to join a frat. My problem with the house is that I am not close to some of the brothers. And it isn't until now that I've realized this is a problem that probably won't be remedied. I want to disaffiliate, yet at the same time I want them to understand where I'm coming from and I want to keep the friendships I've made with the brothers I am close to. I know though, that this is pretty damnear impossible.

Anyone have any advice as to how I should go about doing this, or whether I should be doing this at all?
Thanks!
All advice is welcome and appreciated


(Oh btw. I don't want to post what frat I'm in at the moment. Unless it comes up, I'd rather not have to)

I think it's good that you're not revealing which fraternity you're in.

There have been several threads about disaffiliating. A lot of them will pretty much say the same thing -- you get out what you put in. You don't magically become friends/close with brothers just by virtue of you being brothers. You need to make an effort as well.

Have you hung out with your brothers outside of official events? Do you keep in contact with your big or pledge brothers? Have you taken on any roles within the fraternity? All of these things can help make you feel more welcome.

If you have tried the things above and still want to quit, we can't tell you how that will affect your friendships, as we're not familiar with the dynamics of your chapter. It's one of those things that you'll have to deal with whenever it happens.

[stressedattim]

I understand that i need to make an effort to become close to the brothers. And I can say that I am at fault for that. I didn't post this before, but not being close to the brothers is not the only reason I am considering disaffiliating. I've thought i long time about this and I've realized that a fraternity is just not something I want to be a part of. I have nothing against fraternities, it's just not for me. As much as I would like to have a group of people that I can confide in, that I can have fun with-- pretty much a brotherhood, I would rather not be in a fraternity. The one thing holding me back is that we recently had someone from my pledge class disaffiliate and is now expressing interest in another frat. I don't want to add insult to injury by disaffilliating myself. But it's gotten to the point where this is affecting my schoolwork and I don't want that to be the case.

(From the beginning, it's been a chore, almost an obligation to have to go over to the house. If I truly wanted to be in the frat, I feel that I would willingly and happily be able to go over without second thoughts. And if this is not the way I feel, I don't want to string the brothers along and have them think that this is something I want, when it really isn't)

[lucgreek]

Originally Posted by stressedattim

I understand that i need to make an effort to become close to the brothers. And I can say that I am at fault for that. I didn't post this before, but not being close to the brothers is not the only reason I am considering disaffiliating. I've thought i long time about this and I've realized that a fraternity is just not something I want to be a part of. I have nothing against fraternities, it's just not for me. As much as I would like to have a group of people that I can confide in, that I can have fun with-- pretty much a brotherhood, I would rather not be in a fraternity. The one thing holding me back is that we recently had someone from my pledge class disaffiliate and is now expressing interest in another frat. I don't want to add insult to injury by disaffilliating myself. But it's gotten to the point where this is affecting my schoolwork and I don't want that to be the case.

(From the beginning, it's been a chore, almost an obligation to have to go over to the house. If I truly wanted to be in the frat, I feel that I would willingly and happily be able to go over without second thoughts. And if this is not the way I feel, I don't want to string the brothers along and have them think that this is something I want, when it really isn't)

You also never explained how a fraternity isn't for you. All you've said it that it's become a chore and you'd rather not be in a fraternity. All I get from your post is you don't really want to put the work in on being an active member.

I'm a huge proponent of cutting dead weight, and it seems like you've become dead weight. If you aren't contributing anything to your chapter and don't participate in activities, it probably is best you leave greek life. Essentially you're just paying dues to keep a "friendship" with these people.

There are probably people in your chapter who will not be your friend anymore after you disaffiliate. There may be people who stay your friend. I can speak from my experience when someone disaffiliated from my chapter, he grew apart and never ended up hanging out with any of the brothers again. This is just experience from my chapter. It might be different for you.

Don't string the chapter along any more. If you really don't want to be a member, then drop.

[33girl]

You're not going to be BFFs with EVERY SINGLE PERSON in your Greek organization. That goes for guys AND girls. If that's the only reason you want to drop out, get over it - that's part of life.

But if you hate going to the house and hate putting effort into it...even with those guys that you HAVE become close to figured into the equation...then drop out sooner rather than later.

[stressedattim]

Ok. Well in reference to your asking why it's not for me, here's the thing. I'm not very well informed on how frat life is elsewhere, but my frat is mostly a social frat. We have small parties almost every weekend but not much else. We aren't philanthrophic nor do we just have brother bonding activities. Most of the time I've been over there it's just drinking. I just feel that I'm not the kind of person that belongs here.

(sorry if I'm sounding defensive. I just wnt to make sure that this is actually what I want and that I'm not making a mistake.)

[ebdelt]

I can understand where you are coming from and I think you raise some valid arguments. Are you involved at all within the fraternity? Maybe you could try to get on the fraternity's brotherhood committee and try to help some plan some brother bonding activities. Or maybe try to be on the rush committee to help recruit more guys that you think hold values similar to your own. It's cheesy...but be the change you wish to see.

This is just me personally, but I usually see little benefit to just quitting. Perhaps there are more people in the fraternity that feel the way you do and just don't say anything. Groupthink is a dangerous culprit. I think the more you force yourself to get involved and meet more people on a personal level, the better is. I'm assuming you are a freshman as well. Living in the house as a sophomore almost always makes things better because then you really get to know everyone. I know I wasn't as close to my pledge class, maybe just a particular few, until I lived in the house. That's when it really brought us all together.

If you want, PM me and I'd be happy to give you some more advice.

[excelblue]

Alright, so based on what you posted, it seems like you aren't satisfied with the dynamics of your chapter, but you haven't said anything about the larger picture, such as other chapters and alumni.

Main thing I want to ask is: does your ritual mean anything to you? If so, do your brothers live up to the ritual? If not, do you think you can possibly get them to live up to it?

I personally think it's the bigger picture that's at stake here: if simply not feeling it in the chapter but everyone still has some (very) remote ties that you share, you can probably do something to fix up the bonds. Maybe you guys just aren't doing philanthropy events or brotherhood bonding events because nobody did them, even though all of your brothers would have liked them.

Until you've talked to all of your brothers about this and still feel that the problems are just beyond all hopes of repair, sit on it and see what you can do to make your chapter a better fit for you. After all, why did they bid and initiate you in the first place?

[Kevin]

If I was paying dues just to hang out and drink, I'd probably opt to hang out and drink elsewhere for free.

So you have two options the way I see it: Be a force to change your group from within. Recruit your own people, run for office. Change the way business gets done. That'd be a lot of work, but you might at least be able to leave a legacy of sorts. You'd also have the benefit of being an alumnus, which believe me, pays huge dividends. Or at least it does for me as part of a major national fraternity with strong chapters in my state and around the country.

Or you could quit and go about your business.

I don't see how you'd have much success with any middle option between those two. If you want to disaffiliate, that typically involves returning whatever jewelry they gave you and submitting a letter which says something like "I quit. Sincerely, [name]"

[ree-Xi]

Originally Posted by stressedattim

Hi all,

I'm seeking some help regarding disaffiliation. I joined the frat in September of last year and went through the pledge process and am now a brother. The problem now is that I've realized Greek life isn't something that's for me. The frat made pledging so easy. All we had were weekly meetings. While easy, it didn't show me much about the frat. I was able to go through pledging without realizing it isn't what I wanted. you see, Greek Life is a pretty big thing at my school. A whole week is dedicated to rush, and frats hold some pretty epic events throughout the week. While I wasn't forced to pledge anywhere, I felt somewhat pressured since everyone else was doing it. I know that these were the wrong reasons to join a frat. My problem with the house is that I am not close to some of the brothers. And it isn't until now that I've realized this is a problem that probably won't be remedied. I want to disaffiliate, yet at the same time I want them to understand where I'm coming from and I want to keep the friendships I've made with the brothers I am close to. I know though, that this is pretty damnear impossible.

Anyone have any advice as to how I should go about doing this, or whether I should be doing this at all?
Thanks!
All advice is welcome and appreciated

(Oh btw. I don't want to post what frat I'm in at the moment. Unless it comes up, I'd rather not have to)

Originally Posted by stressedattim

I understand that i need to make an effort to become close to the brothers. And I can say that I am at fault for that. I didn't post this before, but not being close to the brothers is not the only reason I am considering disaffiliating. I've thought i long time about this and I've realized that a fraternity is just not something I want to be a part of. I have nothing against fraternities, it's just not for me. As much as I would like to have a group of people that I can confide in, that I can have fun with-- pretty much a brotherhood, I would rather not be in a fraternity. The one thing holding me back is that we recently had someone from my pledge class disaffiliate and is now expressing interest in another frat. I don't want to add insult to injury by disaffilliating myself. But it's gotten to the point where this is affecting my schoolwork and I don't want that to be the case.

(From the beginning, it's been a chore, almost an obligation to have to go over to the house. If I truly wanted to be in the frat, I feel that I would willingly and happily be able to go over without second thoughts. And if this is not the way I feel, I don't want to string the brothers along and have them think that this is something I want, when it really isn't)

Originally Posted by stressedattim

Ok. Well in reference to your asking why it's not for me, here's the thing. I'm not very well informed on how frat life is elsewhere, but my frat is mostly a social frat. We have small parties almost every weekend but not much else. We aren't philanthrophic nor do we just have brother bonding activities. Most of the time I've been over there it's just drinking. I just feel that I'm not the kind of person that belongs here.

(sorry if I'm sounding defensive. I just wnt to make sure that this is actually what I want and that I'm not making a mistake.)

There is no way that anyone here can possibly know if it's the right decision for you. There is also no way to guarantee that the brothers will continue to be your close friends. It seems like every time someone offers an opinion, you give yet another reason why you want to leave.

You need to talk to someone you know and trust. No one on a random message board is going to beg you to stick it out. And lastly, remember that you'll only get back what you're giving.

If you don't think you want to give (anymore), then go ahead and disaffiliate. It's your choice, and your choice alone.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by ree-Xi

If you don't think you want to give (anymore), then go ahead and disaffiliate. It's your choice, and your choice alone.

I know this is serious and all, but after I read this, the first thing I thought of was Olmec on ‘Legends of the Hidden Temple’ saying, “The choices are yours, and yours alone!” before sending the kids into the temple.

[ree-Xi]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

I know this is serious and all, but after I read this, the first thing I thought of was Olmec on ‘Legends of the Hidden Temple’ saying, “The choices are yours, and yours alone!” before sending the kids into the temple.

I knew it was cliche, but it's quite appropriate here. People asking us to make decisions for them, when we don't know squat about who they are - it's just crazy.