Moving in with BF! I need advice.

[GreekGirley]

I'd say not now and here's why:

It sounds like you're thinking long-term with this guy, and that's fine. But, won't getting married be a little anti-climactic if you've already basically lived like you're already married? What I'm getting at is this: you have the REST OF YOUR LIFE to get married & play house. Don't do it now. Save it as a bridge you'll cross once you get married. Otherwise, there's nothing left to make marriage special. And, if the worst happens and y'all don't wind up making it last, then you've already done everything with him that you'll do with whoever you marry one day. At least try to keep 1 thing special for that awesome guy you'll marry one day. I PROMISE it's worth it to wait!

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by GreekGirley

I'd say not now and here's why:

It sounds like you're thinking long-term with this guy, and that's fine. But, won't getting married be a little anti-climactic if you've already basically lived like you're already married? What I'm getting at is this: you have the REST OF YOUR LIFE to get married & play house. Don't do it now. Save it as a bridge you'll cross once you get married. Otherwise, there's nothing left to make marriage special. And, if the worst happens and y'all don't wind up making it last, then you've already done everything with him that you'll do with whoever you marry one day. At least try to keep 1 thing special for that awesome guy you'll marry one day. I PROMISE it's worth it to wait!

@bolded: WTF? Are you confusing marriage with a movie?

(Insert joke about marriage being anti-climactic due to lack of sex here.)


---
As a side note, the stats about cohabitation are true, or at least were. The question really what the cause is - are couples who are more likely to live together also more likely to consider divorce an option? There really aren't good answers there. I would NOT use one's future marriage prospects as a reason for or against living with a partner. Statistics don't represent individual realities.

That said, I don't really feel like OP is being genuine here and I'm sure we're about to get yelled at for being meanie moes again or something so eh.

[ElieM]

wow... I'm totally of the "sure, why not? live together" school of thought. I even think while at college sounds like a great time to do it. Exploration and getting to know yourself and all that malarkey.

But then share-houses and apartments were really common at my college, so it seemed like the thing to do.

I lived with my bf for almost 2 years before we got married. Definitely nothing "anti-climatic" about our marriage - he says he loves me more and more each year.

Plus, I'd want to know if the love of my life had a really irritating habit or terrible secret lifestyle before leaping in and tying the knot.

[knight_shadow]

GreekGirley's "anti-climactic" comment makes me think she's confusing marriage with a wedding.

[PiKA2001]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

As a side note, the stats about cohabitation are true, or at least were. The question really what the cause is - are couples who are more likely to live together also more likely to consider divorce an option? There really aren't good answers there.

And in other news, masterbastion causes blindness....

It's bunk. IMHO couples who live together pre-marriage are more likely to divorce ONLY because they don't attach the social stigma to it not because of any other BS reason.

[AGDee]

I believe I've said this before on this board, but had I lived with either of my ex-husbands before marrying them, I wouldn't have divorced either of them... because I wouldn't have married them in the first place! I'm a big proponent of living together before marriage BUT under certain conditions: you can support yourself without that person, it is an arrangement that you can get out of easily (like only one of you owns the place or has the name on the lease or it's a month to month lease) and you are done with college and lived independently for at least a year. There is just too much messiness possible in college if you break up and are living with the person. Week before finals, you break up, which is hard enough, but you're stuck living in the same space anyway, etc.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by PiKA2001

It's bunk. IMHO couples who live together pre-marriage are more likely to divorce ONLY because they don't attach the social stigma to it not because of any other BS reason.

Life is complex enough for there to be more than one reason why couples who live together are more likely to divorce; and why divorce rates increase, in general.

Including personal experiences and opinions, there are thousands of qualitative and quantitative studies about cohabitation and divorce around the world, including those conducted by Melissa S. Waters and Rand Westler; Michael Svarer; and John Zhao and David Hall. People who are interested can check these and other studies out and see how these different explanations mesh with their humble (personal) opinions.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

Statistics don't represent individual realities.

Right, statistics aren't intended to represent everyone and everything. That's why you will find cohabitators who say cohabitating was awesome and (perhaps more) cohabitators who say cohabitating was a complete waste.

Whichever the case, people conveniently use statistics and expect others to personally apply them for topics like safe sex. Either way, everyone thinks this stuff applies to everyone but them. I strongly recommend that people understand the realities and possibilities of life and that includes both the individual-level and the aggregate-level. There comes a point when people need to stop thinking "I didn't think it could happen to MEEEEEEE" or "I had no idea this could even happen...TO ANYONE."

That applies to this topic and any other. Make smart and informed choices. People can still choose to do something that others disapprove of, but they shouldn't pretend that they were aware of the potential positive outcomes but clueless to the potential negative outcomes.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Right, statistics aren't intended to represent everyone and everything. That's why you will find cohabitators who say cohabitating was awesome and (perhaps more) cohabitators who say cohabitating was a complete waste.

Whichever the case, people conveniently use statistics and expect others to personally apply them for topics like safe sex. Either way, everyone thinks this stuff applies to everyone but them. I strongly recommend that people understand the realities and possibilities of life and that includes both the individual-level and the aggregate-level. There comes a point when people need to stop thinking "I didn't think it could happen to MEEEEEEE" or "I had no idea this could even happen...TO ANYONE."

That applies to this topic and any other. Make smart and informed choices. People can still choose to do something that others disapprove of, but they shouldn't pretend that they were aware of the potential positive outcomes but clueless to the potential negative outcomes.

Statistics are statistics for a reason.

I may have mentioned it in this thread or another, but I lived with my ex-boyfriend for about a year after I finished my Master's. At that point, we had been together for 5 years and were ready to take the next step. We were aware of what it meant for us. We ended up breaking up about 6 months or so afterwards, mainly because I realized that I didn't want to marry him. We still lived together for about 6 months afterwards--but we had separate rooms at that point so it wasn't terrible. We ended up having a very amicable break. This is rare and I consider myself extremely lucky.

That said, I've seen a lot more cohabiting situations blow up because the couples NEVER clarified what living together meant. A lot of women assume that a ring is inevitable after moving in together, while their boyfriends don't feel that same way. After a year or so, they're freaking out every time one of their friends gets engaged.

It's actually kind of amazing to me how many women--and these just aren't younger women--will totally expect a man who says he doesn't want to get married to "change his mind...eventually."

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by GreekGirley

It sounds like you're thinking long-term with this guy, and that's fine. But, won't getting married be a little anti-climactic if you've already basically lived like you're already married? What I'm getting at is this: you have the REST OF YOUR LIFE to get married & play house. Don't do it now. Save it as a bridge you'll cross once you get married. Otherwise, there's nothing left to make marriage special.

REALLY?! There’s nothing left to make marriage special? Um.. how about a wedding, and kids, and buying your first house, and spending your life with someone, and.. ya know.. being married! If the only thing about marriage that makes it special is living together, I might as well have married my brother.

And, if the worst happens and y'all don't wind up making it last, then you've already done everything with him that you'll do with whoever you marry one day.

.. everything except having a wedding, having kids, buying your first house, spending your life with that person, and.. ya know.. getting married.

Originally Posted by ElieM

wow... I'm totally of the "sure, why not? live together" school of thought. I even think while at college sounds like a great time to do it. Exploration and getting to know yourself and all that malarkey.

Originally Posted by ElieM

…Plus, I'd want to know if the love of my life had a really irritating habit or terrible secret lifestyle before leaping in and tying the knot.

This!

It’s amazing what you can learn about a person when you live with them. I look at a few of my college roommates and think, “If I didn’t live with them, we might have become really good friends.” It’s why a lot of people (myself included) refuse to live with their best friends; because they worry that they’ll end up hating them. I’m definitely not against living with another person before marriage in order to figure everything out. Hell, I didn’t even live with my last boyfriend of 2 ½ years, but he lived 30 seconds down the road from my apartment and he started driving me crazy – he’d bitch about everything, from the cleanliness of my apartment (I HATE washing dishes and waited until the last possible second to do them) right down to the fact that I didn’t bring the mail in everyday. I have just about the worst memory in the world, but I didn’t think that bringing it in twice a week was such a bad thing! He didn’t even pay rent, but he had something to say about everything. And since he still lived at home and mommy did everything for him, I think he expected me to do everything for him, as well.

Having said all that, I completely agree with the advice my mother gave me… before getting married/living with someone which will most likely lead to marriage, you should live on your own for at least a year. There are a lot of responsibilities that go along with just taking care of yourself and being on your own… Learning how to pay bills, taking your own car in for an oil change, figuring out how to do your taxes, going grocery shopping, sending your own holiday/thank you/sympathy cards, shoveling the driveway, cleaning the apartment/house, etc. I could go on forever. All of these are items that you should learn to do on your own.. and HAVE to do on your own, before living with someone and relying on them to do it for you.

I think I missed the fact that the OP is a sophomore, so yes, she is still pretty young. I’m not sure that she’s lived on her own before this, but if not, I would highly recommend it. I’m not completely against people living together at such a young age, but I’ve seen it fall apart more times than it has worked. However, we don’t know the OP’s situation, and she implied that the only reason that she was hesitant was because of what her friends say/think, so if that’s the only doubt in her mind (without knowing anything else of her situation), I say she should truly analyze her past living situations, think about the current situation, and make a decision from there. And if this is what both her and her boyfriend want, then go for it.

Originally Posted by knight_shadow

GreekGirley's "anti-climactic" comment makes me think she's confusing marriage with a wedding.

I think she’s just confused in general.

Originally Posted by AGDee

I believe I've said this before on this board, but had I lived with either of my ex-husbands before marrying them, I wouldn't have divorced either of them... because I wouldn't have married them in the first place! I'm a big proponent of living together before marriage BUT under certain conditions: you can support yourself without that person, it is an arrangement that you can get out of easily (like only one of you owns the place or has the name on the lease or it's a month to month lease) and you are done with college and lived independently for at least a year. There is just too much messiness possible in college if you break up and are living with the person. Week before finals, you break up, which is hard enough, but you're stuck living in the same space anyway, etc.

EXACTLY! to the bolded.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

That said, I've seen a lot more cohabiting situations blow up because the couples NEVER clarified what living together meant. A lot of women assume that a ring is inevitable after moving in together, while their boyfriends don't feel that same way. After a year or so, they're freaking out every time one of their friends gets engaged.

It's actually kind of amazing to me how many women--and these just aren't younger women--will totally expect a man who says he doesn't want to get married to "change his mind...eventually."

Or if they do finally get married, she's built it up too much and it isn't perfect...etc etc etc.

This is why the movie "About Last Night" should be required viewing for every college freshman. Without the happy ending.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

It's actually kind of amazing to me how many women--and these just aren't younger women--will totally expect a man who says he doesn't want to get married to "change his mind...eventually."

Originally Posted by 33girl

Or if they do finally get married, she's built it up too much and it isn't perfect...etc etc etc.

This is why the movie "About Last Night" should be required viewing for every college freshman. Without the happy ending.

And He's Just Not That Into You should be required reading.

[agzg]

It's not just men that will move in with someone and but don't want to get married, either, and it's not just women who "want the ring" and freak out when they don't get one.

If both members of the couple are in the same place at the same time, it can work out. The issue is that they consistently need to be in the same place. It's tricky.

The only time I'm like "gah I want to get married" is when KSUViolet posts wedding dress porn on GC. I'm also sure marriage will be just as boring as living together is now (not much would change for us, prior to having kids).

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by agzg

It's not just men that will move in with someone and but don't want to get married, either, and it's not just women who "want the ring" and freak out when they don't get one.

If both members of the couple are in the same place at the same time, it can work out. The issue is that they consistently need to be in the same place. It's tricky.

The only time I'm like "gah I want to get married" is when KSUViolet posts wedding dress porn on GC. I'm also sure marriage will be just as boring as living together is now (not much would change for us, prior to having kids).

I'm in love with this post.


















I hope it asks me to move in and then proposes to me...

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by agzg

It's not just men that will move in with someone and but don't want to get married, either, and it's not just women who "want the ring" and freak out when they don't get one.

If both members of the couple are in the same place at the same time, it can work out. The issue is that they consistently need to be in the same place. It's tricky.

The only time I'm like "gah I want to get married" is when KSUViolet posts wedding dress porn on GC. I'm also sure marriage will be just as boring as living together is now (not much would change for us, prior to having kids).

The only time I want to be married is when I refer to my boyfriend in a professional kind of situation. Like, talking about post-grad-school employment prospects with my professors, it sounds ridiculous to be like "oh, I have to consider where my boyfriend can do residency" instead of "where my husband can do residency".

But that's not so much about being married as it is having some kind of word that signifies "committed living together boyfriend".