"The One? Or "Your Soul Mate?

[James]

Ok so its late and I am tired. I was reading through the Mr. Right thread and something occurred to me . . . but keep in mind its late so it might take me a minute to get you there . . .

Ok. We have the idea of Mr. Right and Mr Right now (Boys have very different terms for these two animals-but thats a different thread).

And then I thought about love. I haven't been alive long but I have been in love with more than one Girl friend.

Although the memories have become a little hazy.

Now I have NEVER thought about marriage even playfully with these chicks, though some have mentioned it (again its a guy thing).

Let me stop hyperventilating.

Ok then. My questions for you are this:

Have you ever been in love more than once? And cast yourself back. Strong love.

Especially you practicers of seriel monogamy. Multiple-multi-year relationship people(you make my skin crawal, I did a thesis on you). You know who you are, you're 22, started at 15 and have had three relationships: 15-19,20-22 oh and the one that just started lol

Sorry for the rant.

Ok So how come if you were so deeply involved with some of these kids they were not "The One". I mean some of these people you totally adored. You loved them so much it hurt sometimes. Was it timing?

Because we all know marriage can be a timing thing, so is that a factor in being "the one"?

And if thats a factor, doesn't that negate the idea of "the one"? That one and only soul mate? Your other frigging half?

Maybe "the one" is someone you are in love at the time you are ready to marry?

Chew on that gristle lol. But seriously I have to be making some sense here right?

Should we admit that "The One" is in most cases the person you are in-love with (I hope) or at least with when you decide to marry?

[KappaTarzan]

i've only been in love once..i'm not much of a committment girl unless i feel the boy is up to my standard!
i believe in destiny.. i believe that there is one person predestined to bemy husband wandering out there in the world somehwere and i am just waiting to marry him.. i hope that this is true or else i'm gonna be verrrrry let down.. i also feel that you meet "the one" at the perfect time..
and that just about sums up what i have to say

[UF_PikePC98]

Originally posted by James

And then I thought about love. I haven't been alive long but I have been in love with more than one Girl friend.


Ok then. My questions for you are this:

Have you ever been in love more than once? And cast yourself back. Strong love.


Because we all know marriage can be a timing thing, so is that a factor in being "the one"?

And if thats a factor, doesn't that negate the idea of "the one"? That one and only soul mate? Your other frigging half?

Maybe "the one" is someone you are in love at the time you are ready to marry?

Chew on that gristle lol. But seriously I have to be making some sense here right?

Should we admit that "The One" is in most cases the person you are in-love with (I hope) or at least with when you decide to marry?

I have had the pleasure of both being in love and loved by many.

I'd have to say that timing was the key factor in why we didnt stay togther.

We dated for a couple of years. Although one can easily say that i was the reason why we didnt stay together, I argue that human nature took over and I only did what every other male my age in college was doing at that time.....getting all the a$$ I could.

She called it cheating.

Now, had we met a few years later things might have been different.

With that said, James, I think that "The one" is actually the flavor of the season and if you actually stay with it long enough....you get married. See, "The one" kinda grows on you. It's like a car. At first it's a new thing.....smells good, isn't worn out and you still keep it up.....after a lil while though....you get used to it.....it becomes a part of you. Eventually you just decide to keep her.

[UF_PikePC98]

Originally posted by James
God man I hope your analogy is wrong. My strategy is to buy a few year older car to save money that is super reliable. Keep at least one other car in case of emergencies. And a gem to take out on special occasions or when I'm just feeling frisky. Of course this is beyond my means at the moment lol.

Damn! So let me get this straight.......



You got one chick.....sometimes known as old faithfull or girlfriend.
You don't have to spend much money on her except taking her out once or twice a week and she doesn't run around on you.

Then over here you got your dirty lil hoes on the side. The ones who you can call up at 4am and the actually come over. Their just there for ya when you need somethin a lil different. However, you would never be caught out in public with them.....

which leads to......

That other girl of yours......the one who is cute and sexy....ok in your book....and who could be a potential girlfriend should old faithfull ever bust your a$$.....

Damn, James......maybe I'm a lil tired myself....... but it sounds like you got your hands full.....

Sounds like me 7 months ago......

BTW.....you can elaborate more to me via PM

[sigmagrrl]

I guess I'm one of these rare (and I may not be, which would be refreshing) people who don't date around, or even want many relationships. I got into the game late (by society's standards). I didn't have a boyfriend until late into my 20s. But, even when I wasn't dating, I knew that I never wanted to have many "notches on my bedpost". I see myself going through one heartbreak (having my heart broken), one break up (breaking someone else's heart), and then, meeting my husband. I like the idea of not belonging to too many. I'm too special for that (hey, I know I'm a catch)!. My mom only had 3 boyfriends before meeting and marrying my dad. Sure, it was in the 1950's and 1960's when dating around was considered taboo, but I fell in the love (pardon the pun) with the idea of having a few deep, meaningful romances, and then meeting my soulmate.

I guess I'm Goldilocks in a way: he's too needy, he's too distant, HE'S just right!

I know, I'm a hopeless romantic. And I wouldn't change a thing...

Hmm... well let me try to attack this one.

I've hit both ends of this spectrum... I've been in a few long term relationships and a LOT of short-term, and in those I've been in big L-Love twice in my life.

My first long term relationship was with a guy I grew up with. My parents and his parents were good friends, and ever since we were toddlers we were spending time together. He was 5 years older than me, so even though we had feelings for each other, we waited until I was out of high school to date (which meant no dating in high school, blech.). We dated, and got engaged.... and I realized that we were in different types of love. He was in big-L Love with me... and I was in small-l love with him... after growing up with him for so many years, he felt more like my brother than my husband. So I broke off our engagement.

I dated a whole bunch of guys in between for a few weeks/months at a time here and there....

Then I met Jim, and fell in big-L Love. As did he. We dated for almost a year, and I was sure he was "The One". To be honest with you, I still don't know to this day what happened with us... I know that there was a teeny-tiny miscommunication that blew up into a gigantic mess that broke us up...I don't know. (Can you tell I was the dumped here? LOL)

Again with the dating bunches of people for various lengths of time...

And now I'm with my current boyfriend. We are living together and planning on marriage. And I think what we have now is the right combination of Big-L and small-l love. Do I think he's "The One"? You know, I really can't say anymore. I know I want to marry him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I'm not sure what "The One" is anymore, after being so convinced of it previously.

(just to throw this in here... I don't believe, by the way, that your "soulmate" is necessarily the person you should spend the rest of your life with. For me, my soulmate is my previous fiancee. We know and understand each other in ways that I don't think anyone else ever will...we have a connection... but I don't want to marry him!! My boyfriend and I don't have that now, but it is developing, and into something more than I could have had with Guy #1)

my God that was long... sorry!

[AXOLiz]

I don't think there's a "soulmate" for each person. That's too much of a one-shot deal. I've only been in love once, and I loved the guy completely, but there was no way it would work for various reasons and I ended the relationship. I still love him to this day, but I also know that we'd drive each other nuts. I know I'll be able to find someone else who I love, and while it'll be different, I know eventually I'll find someone who I love at least as much, if not more. And, if we're both ready for marriage at that point in our lives, so be it. If it ends, I'm sure I'll eventually find someone else. The guy I marry will be one that, even though he may not be THE ONE, I can't imagine finding something better AND we're both at the point in our lives when we're ready to fully commit to each other.

I think when people think in terms of THE ONE, it puts way too much pressure on relationships. A friend of mine told me her biggest fear is that she'll find THE ONE and mess it up somehow and be alone for the rest of her life. She was putting so much pressure on finding THE ONE that she failed to see all the potential around her.

MY whole point reminds me of what talk show hosts say to parents about to have their second child...they love the first one so much that they can't imagine how they'll have that much love for the second child. But the second child comes along and they end up loving them too. No one ever said there's only room in your heart for one person.

[White_Chocolate]

This must have sprunned from my 'Am I Too Picky?' thread. I must admit. . .I wanted to hear what all of the GUYS had to say. It seems like every time I give my guy friends advice on what not to do(do NOT marry a virgin when they've been with 100 girls, do NOT make out with some girl who just had a baby with another guy, do NOT date their friend's ex, do NOT have a threesome with your friend's twin sisters, etc) they never follow my advice. So, I will heed from commenting on guys answer on this thread. And speak strictly from my point of view.

i do believe there is a one. but i feel like jennifer lopez. why settle down with one guy when i can have 3 in a matter of years??

however, i don't know who the one is. and what if he's the one for me but i'm not the one for him.

as for keeping those extra cars around. . .hey, you never know when one will break down. . .therefore, i will refrain from re-posing 'girlfriend's guide to booty call' because some guys sent me some nasty pms.

[valkyrie]

I have been in love more than once, probably twice for real. The first time, I did consider him to be "the one" and he was the one for many years, but I just sort of lost the feeling after a while. I don't really know why or how that happened, but it did.

Now looking back, I wonder if he was the one for that time, or if he never was the one but I just convinced myself that he was because he was there.

Does that make sense?

Really, though, I don't believe that there is "The One" for anybody. I think that there are different ones at different times in your life. I do not believe that there is one "soul mate" for everyone. I think that there are different people who fill that role in our lives, and I believe that nothing really lasts forever. Even if you get married thinking that your spouse is "the one" you could feel differently down the road.

[James]

Words of wisdom from Valkyrie, our conveyer of slain heroes to Valhalla (you better be tall girl).

A James Maxim to live by: You can only get hurt by holding on too long when you should have let go. The longer you hold on, the more you get hurt.

It goes with what Valk' said. You might meet someone that helps/completes/fullfills for a period of time. But then you try and hold on past that time and don't allow the next person into your life.

Originally posted by valkyrie


Really, though, I don't believe that there is "The One" for anybody. I think that there are different ones at different times in your life. I do not believe that there is one "soul mate" for everyone. I think that there are different people who fill that role in our lives, and I believe that nothing really lasts forever. Even if you get married thinking that your spouse is "the one" you could feel differently down the road.

[AXJules]

This whole discussion is seriously freaking me out (and distracting me from my 10 page research paper)
I am a firm firm believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason. I have had so many instances in my life that seemed like really weird coincidences, I can't help but think that fate was hard at work. So, I believe that The One is out there, but when I'm supposed to meet him, etc, has already been decided. So, like, I don't have to worry about breaking up w/ my current boyfriend or where my job will take me b/c some way or another, he's going to be "dropped at my feet". What I do with him once I meet him is in my hands.
With that said, OH MY GOD!!!!!!! This is so stupid to worry about but the idea that The One is simply Some Guy who's available when I want to get married freaks me out!! Here I am going, oh it's meant to be, he's IT, when he's really just some dude that's convienient Wow, i have a lot to think about for the rest of the day.

[chideltjen]

I was watching "serendipity" the other night. the whole movie is based on 'soulmates' and whathaveyou.
I think one of the best concepts in that movie is that using the term 'soulmate' is rather dangerous. it implies that we have no control over who we end up with down the isle. some great force, such as destiny or fate is basically controlling where we go, who we meet, and what not. if that is the case, why should we even get out of bed in the morning if some force is eventually just gonna run us into the right person?
It's so we can make mistakes and learn from the mistakes and grow.

I honestly believe that I am not gonna find Mr Right. I don't have a soulmate and if I do, he is probably in another country that I will never venture to see. What I will find is Mr Good Enough and I will live the rest of my life learning how to live in some sort of harmony.

SOrry if this made no sense... I am kinda sleepy.

[KSig RC]

Originally posted by AXJules
This whole discussion is seriously freaking me out (and distracting me from my 10 page research paper)
I am a firm firm believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason. I have had so many instances in my life that seemed like really weird coincidences, I can't help but think that fate was hard at work. So, I believe that The One is out there, but when I'm supposed to meet him, etc, has already been decided. So, like, I don't have to worry about breaking up w/ my current boyfriend or where my job will take me b/c some way or another, he's going to be "dropped at my feet". What I do with him once I meet him is in my hands.
With that said, OH MY GOD!!!!!!! This is so stupid to worry about but the idea that The One is simply Some Guy who's available when I want to get married freaks me out!! Here I am going, oh it's meant to be, he's IT, when he's really just some dude that's convienient Wow, i have a lot to think about for the rest of the day.

Yeah - the slight (huge?) Calvinist streak in this post would certainly run counter to what some have stated in this, and other, threads - I wish I could say I agree with you, but it's quite clear that some things happen for no reason whatsoever, but hey I could just be plain wrong, that happens too.

As far as "The One" - I don't see any way in which there would be a basis for only having one true "soul mate." Instead, I think that the level of "soul mate" would be that highest level of caring that one could reach for another person, and happens so infrequently that it would appear to be 'the one' in each case. To reiterate, if you want to consider 'love' as a feeling, it would be the highest plateau within that general feeling between two people.

This would implicitly remove the possibility of there being 'only one' for each person - and I personally like that notion a lot more than relying on some unseen force to guide me to the one person meant for me. I like at least having some role in it.

[AXJules]

The everything happens for a reason thing gets blown out of proportion sometimes, I guess.... I mean, I don't think of it so literally, for example, September 11th or something tragic like that. I'm just saying that I like to think that my life is being led in a certain direction.
Sure, I can say I'm not going to school tomorrow or moving to California next week, but maybe that's what I'm supposed to be doing? And that's what I would consider fate.
So, considering all this, it would be kind of weird to think that fate just dumps The One (if they exist) in your lap at any time. What if The One for me was the kid who threw glue in my hair in 3rd grade???? That would be a really depressing thought.
I have always believed that The One is out there, but James really shook me up when he suggested the idea that no matter how sure you are that they're The One, they're really just the one of convienience.

[KSig RC]

Originally posted by AXJules
I have always believed that The One is out there, but James really shook me up when he suggested the idea that no matter how sure you are that they're The One, they're really just the one of convienience.

What would be the difference?

If you receive the same feeling either way, that is, the feeling of being with "The One" - what does it matter if it were provided by divine providence, personal convenience, or space aliens from Alpha Centauri?

I understand where you're coming from (even if I don't feel the same way about certain things), but I don't see the difference in this case (and thus the reason to shake up your feeling of weltanschuung).