Help!!!

ASTCutie · #1 09-18-2008, 05:15 PM

Alright so I was lavaliered two years ago by my ex boyfriend before he cheated on me. I never gave the letters back because that does not get done at my school especially when you are a sweetheart of the fraternity as well. My question is my new boyfriend and me are about to get engaged and I have a feeling that he wants to lavalier me. Can you be lavaliered by two seperate fraternities? I know this sounds stupid but it will help out a lot. Thanks!!

ASTalumna06 · #2 09-18-2008, 05:24 PM

Hey sister!

I'd love to help you out, but I know little to nothing about this.

But I really just wanted to say hi, as it is very rare that I see any ASTs posting on this site lately.

So... hello!

33girl · #3 09-18-2008, 05:25 PM

So you were the sweetheart of your ex's fraternity? Is that what you're saying?

If you're already ready to get engaged, honestly, I would just skip the lavalier.

agzg · #4 09-18-2008, 05:30 PM

I've never been one for lavaliers - I'd go for the engagement, too. If you don't want your current to lavalier you, tell him. I've never had any problems telling a boyfriend who was in a fraternity that I was not interested in wearing his letters.

Take this with a grain of salt:
If I had been lavaliered once, and the relationship didn't work (good on you for not staying with a cheater!), I definitely would not want to be lavaliered again.

ASTCutie · #5 09-18-2008, 05:38 PM

Yea that is what I thought as well. So when I told him he got upset that I let my ex do it but I wouldnt let him. Its a big deal for him to lavalier me. Dont ask why sometimes guys can be retarded.

Its great to see another AST Here.

I just want to do everything politically correct. I know what my letters mean to me and I never would do anything to disrespect them so I wouldnt want to disrespect his or him by not allowing him too.

Yes, I became a sweetheart after my boyfriend lavaliered me because they loved me so much. I know that is really backwards but yeah.

RaggedyAnn · #6 09-19-2008, 06:53 AM

There probably isn't a rule against it, because when a man lavaliers a woman, he is saying he intends to marry her. If it means that much to your fiance, I would let him do it. Think of it like this...You get married and take your husband's last name (lavalier). You get divorced, but keep the name because of the kids (his fraternity brothers). You get married a second time, what do you do about the last name? Keep the old one? Take a new one?

My husband is in a fraternity and he thinks you should give the old lavalier back. He says it's like being engaged to two guys at the same time, which you can't be. I have to agree. Anything the ex gave you as a gift should be probably be purged and keep anything given to you by the fraternity as a sweetheart.

Kansas City · #7 09-19-2008, 09:50 AM

I hate to be such a downer to Greek traditions but if you are going to get engaged anyway, why even take the lavalier step and not just move on to the engagement ring? I understand that a lavalier can be a big deal as an undergraduate but I really don't think that it means anything in a post-graduate/alumnae world. Letters and friends are important but when considering marriage, it should be between you and your fiancé, not your friends and organizations.

For this same reason, I'd go ahead and give your ex his letters back. Just like his lavalier symbolized his commitment to you, returning his letters will symbolize the end of that realtionship between two people. He lavaliering you was something between the two of you, not between you and his fraternity. Your status as a "sweetheart" should not be impacted because your ex ended his personal relationship by cheating.

AOII Angel · #8 09-19-2008, 09:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ASTCutie

Yea that is what I thought as well. So when I told him he got upset that I let my ex do it but I wouldnt let him. Its a big deal for him to lavalier me. Dont ask why sometimes guys can be retarded.

Its great to see another AST Here.

I just want to do everything politically correct. I know what my letters mean to me and I never would do anything to disrespect them so I wouldnt want to disrespect his or him by not allowing him too.

Yes, I became a sweetheart after my boyfriend lavaliered me because they loved me so much. I know that is really backwards but yeah.

It obviously means something to your current boyfriend. Give the other lavalier back and graciously take the new ones. You don't have any reason to show loyalty to your ex boyfriend's fraternity. It's not your fraternity. You can still be friends with the guys in that house while wearing the letters of the man you plan to marry. I just don't really see the huge dilemma here!

33girl · #9 09-19-2008, 10:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ASTCutie

Yes, I became a sweetheart after my boyfriend lavaliered me because they loved me so much. I know that is really backwards but yeah.

Unless it's a tradition for a sweetheart of that fraternity to receive a lavalier...you need to give it back. Like everyone said, you can still be friends with them and support them.

Then let current boyfriend lavalier, pin, mizpah, engage you to his heart's content.

ASTCutie · #10 09-19-2008, 10:29 AM

Hey...Thanks for all of your help. Its an issue because I have tried to give the letters back many times and he wont take them back. He is like I would rather you burn them then give them back to me but of course I do not want to do that. I have decided to keep them in a box with some of my other sorority stuff and just not wear them ever again. That way I still have the memories from them but wear the letters of my fiance. Thanks for all of your help!!!

AOII Angel · #11 09-19-2008, 10:45 AM

I think that is a very reasonable solution. If seeing you in another fraternity's letters ticks your ex off, then just give his back if he asks.

Kansas City · #12 09-19-2008, 10:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ASTCutie

Hey...Thanks for all of your help. Its an issue because I have tried to give the letters back many times and he wont take them back. He is like I would rather you burn them then give them back to me but of course I do not want to do that. I have decided to keep them in a box with some of my other sorority stuff and just not wear them ever again. That way I still have the memories from them but wear the letters of my fiance. Thanks for all of your help!!!

Have you thought about returning them to his fraternity house or HQ? I personally think that it would be kind of creepy to keep such a memento from a past relationship. I mean ... really ... it is just a piece of jewelry.

agzg · #13 09-19-2008, 10:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kansas City

Have you thought about returning them to his fraternity house or HQ? I personally think that it would be kind of creepy to keep such a memento from a past relationship. I mean ... really ... it is just a piece of jewelry.

I would disagree. I was never lavaliered, but I do have certain things that ex's have given to me (I try to keep to to 2 things or less), and they kinda just come with me. My current boyfriend and I moved in together, and he gets that he was not my first relationship, and is ok with the fact that I have 1 or 2 things from former relationships that just kinda hang around. I don't point out that I have them, we don't talk about who gave me this or that, in fact, a lot of the things that I have he is unaware that another boyfriend gave them to me. I do know, too, that he has a couple of things former girlfriends have given him. I'm ok with that, I was the one he chose to move in with.

Keeping mementos is a natural thing. It might be harder to hide letters to ex-bf's fraternity, but if she keeps them away and not displayed all over the place, I don't see a problem with it unless her current boyfriend (and hopefully, future fiance!) has a problem with it. That's really something she'll have to talk to him about.

ETA: I keep all my sorority stuff in the spare bedroom, along with things that are "just mine." I felt like current bf, because he was a GDI, may not be comfortable with paddles on the wall, pictures of me and sisters on the wall, a big 'ole pillow with Alpha Gam letters on it. He calls it "sorority land."

33girl · #14 09-19-2008, 10:51 AM

It's inappropriate to drag his whole fraternity into it. The fraternity didn't lavalier her, he did. If he won't accept her trying to return stuff, packing it away is really the best solution.

agzg · #15 09-19-2008, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

It's inappropriate to drag his whole fraternity into it. The fraternity didn't lavalier her, he did. If he won't accept her trying to return stuff, packing it away is really the best solution.

Especially because there's the whole embarrassment factor added in with taking stuff back to the house. There were a few couples on my campus where the girl had to take back all the stuff and all she got was heckled. So much for the fraternity loving her!