How Moms Should Treat Their Legacy Daughters

[ellebud]

Do you like the girl going through recruitment? Is she nice/intelligent (other than being under her mother's thumb?)?/and a possible good addition to a house? I would write a rec for her anyway. And after recruitment is over (especially if she joins the house that you gave a rec for) show the mom the rec.

After this girl leaves home, with or without recruitment, she is going to change. And perhaps she will be interested in other house and perhaps not. You will help give her options. As for her mother........omg......I think that I know moms like her.

[ree-Xi]

Funny story about what people did or did not know during recruitment. When I rushed AXiD, there was no philanthropy round, and things like symbols and mottoes weren't talked about. The day after pinning (pledge induction), I was going through the my pledge manual, and was thrilled to find out some very cool coincidences:

- Writing has always been one of my two passions (the other is acting). In high school, I always used the phrase "The Pen is Mightier than the Sword", (which I later found out is AXiD's motto).

- I also used to do calligraphy, learning in the sixth grade. I had an old-style quill and inkwell as well as more modern pens, and a number of different sized nibs. I later found out that the Quill is AXiD's symbol and the shape of the member badge.

- AXiD's national philanthropy at the time was the American Lung Association. I have lung disease, and it touched me that women across the country were dedicated time and resources to support a cause that deeply affects me.

I remember calling my mom and crying because I had felt an amazing connection.

Some other things that have happened that just reinforce the knowledge that I am in the right place. You know the saying that "being an ___ is not something you become, but something you've always been"? That was me. And I knew none of this stuff going into rush (COB).

To bring this back on topic, the PNM mentioned in the OP might not even feel a connection to her legacy chapter. I feel really bad that the mother is so insistent and controlling. Just like the mom probably had a choice (there's no mention that the daughter is a double legacy), so should her daughter.

[KSUViolet06]

In reading this story, it actually doesn't sound like she is deliberately trying to sabotage her.

It sounds like she genuinely thinks that her daughter doesn't need any other recs because she's guaranteed a bid to her legacy house. You say she's out of state. Heck, where mom was initiated, it may be true that all legacies got bids.

Every now and then, I'll meet a PNM who has decided to go out of state and rush somewhere competitive. Mom usually attended a school in Ohio that wasn't competitive at all (like Akron, BG, Kent, etc.) She'll think the same thing ("oh she'll probably not need that extra stuff because all legacies get bids.") and won't bother securing recs.

I usually refer those moms to the larger SEC recruitment threads (like the Bama or Auburn threads) where moms are coming on in droves lamenting the fact that their daughters were cut as legacies (some as direct legacies to that chapter).

This is why it's SO important for our orgs to EDUCATE alumnae about not only the legacy policy, but also about how recruitment has changed since they were active, that there are INCREASED numbers of legacies at some schools, and that what used to be a sure thing, often isn't anymore.

I recall reading someone on here that an NPC group published a magazine article on this topic not too long ago that bascially said that while we would love for every legacy to pledge XYZ, that doesn't always happen and that parents need to be prepared for that and support their child in her decisions.

At Convention, I met many women who are legacies. I met one collegian who was recently initiated at our newest chapter (High Point). She was pinned by her mother at Initiation with her grandma's badge and her 2 sisters present. That was a great story and I definitely see the value of legacies.

I also had the opportunity to meet older alumnae whose daughters represent a variety of NPC orgs--one woman had 5 daughters and each of them joined a different org! So they do share the bond of being Panhellenicc women and support their daughter's efforts in their chapters.

I don't have kids, but I have always felt that I'd rather see my kid happy as XYZ, than miserable as a Sigma (because I pressured her to join).

[aephi alum]

Being a legacy, even an in-house legacy, does not guarantee you a bid. The chapter will invite this young lady back to the first invitation-only round during FR, but after that, anything could happen - especially since this is an SEC school where there are tons of legacies going through every year. And even if her legacy status did guarantee her a bid, what if she doesn't like the chapter?

Mom could simply be ignorant of the way things have changed. Or she could be trying to control her daughter - "she WILL be an XYZ like I was, or she won't go greek at all!" It's hard to tell from just a couple of posts.

dgdramadawg, I think you and the other alums you spoke to are doing the right thing. At least, this way, she won't be automatically cut for not having recs. Then, the rest is up to her.

[BeeBee23]

but the fact that the mom is only willing to pay for her daughter's sorority dues if she goes XYZ makes me think the mom is just being stubborn. that alone makes me question whether its simply a misunderstanding of the rules regarding legacies, or if the mom just doesnt want to have anything to do with her daughter pledging at another house.

[AOII Angel]

Going through recruitment as a legacy is hard. Trying to decide if it's worth it to go your own way or honor the bond with your family member is difficult without that family member breathing down your neck. I pity this girl for having this hella-mom (not heli-mom.) I predict an early drop out.

[Barbie's_Rush]

Originally Posted by aephi alum

Being a legacy, even an in-house legacy, does not guarantee you a bid. The chapter will invite this young lady back to the first invitation-only round during FR, but after that, anything could happen - especially since this is an SEC school where there are tons of legacies going through every year. And even if her legacy status did guarantee her a bid, what if she doesn't like the chapter?

Even this is no longer true at every chapter and every school now.

[exlurker]

Edited to add:

A fairly new article or opinion piece related to the alumna-and-daughter topic is on the Delta Delta Delta site. The article's title:
“MY DAUGHTER’S AN ADPI, WHAT’S YOURS? (Musings from a newly educated Delta)”

It's in the “Recruitment Demystified” portion of the site, which is in PDF and can be accessed from this page:

https://www.tridelta.org/Collegian/Recruitment/

Originally Posted by dgdramadawg

. . I don't want to be pushy with the mom since I don't know her all that well, but I did tell the PNM to keep in mind that both my sister and I were cut by our legacy chapter at Bama and UGA. She seemed surprised and told me she would tell her mom.

. . . I spoke to alumnae from a couple of other sororities who know the PNM (and now know the crazy situation), and we are all planning on writing recs for the girl without the girl or mom knowing. Hopefully this will at least prevent a total disaster in August, and she won't get in trouble for seeking recs when her mom told her not to.

Sounds like a decent plan.

Speaking of "total disaster," isn't part of the excitement / fun of recruitment going to parties where a PNM meets new people? Since the PNM's going to a school where recs are a must, she could really have a downer of a recruitment, couldn't she, if she doesn't have recs for any org except her mom's? Sitting around "partyless" (except maybe for the legacy chapter) when others are out meeting and greeting doesn't sound like much fun.

[AXOrushadvisor]

Originally Posted by dgdramadawg

Okay, story, then a question:

I recently spoke with a girl from my church who will be going through recruitment at an SEC school in the fall. Her mom was Greek at this school, but she decided to ask me for some recruitment advice. Even though I did not attend the school the PNM will be rushing at, I gave her the usual standard SEC recruitment advice and told her that she might want to ask her mom for more information specific to this school.

Then I offered to write her a recommendation for Delta Gamma, and she responded: "My mom won't let me get recommendations for other chapters because she says the only one she will pay for me to be in is [her own chapter]."

This is an SEC school with what is considered a VERY competitive recruitment. The PNM's mother is a member of a very sought-after chapter on that campus, and being a legacy does not in any way guarantee this PNM a bid in any situation, but especially when she is an out-of-state PNM who knows no one in the chapter.

1. WHY would this mom sabotage her daughter's recruitment by refusing to allow her daughter to seek recommendations for or even consider membership in any other chapter?

2. The larger issue: I would expect that most mothers would love for their daughters to join them as sisters... but how should moms treat their legacy daughters with respect to recruitment? Is there a way for a mother to encourage her daughter to consider her own house more heavily without destroying her chances at every other house on campus?

My daughter will be heading for college in 3 years. She has grown up at the AXO house running around there since she has been a toddler. She just asked me the other day if she HAD to join AXO. I told her she could join any where she wanted to and that she didn't have to be an AXO if she didn't want to. As much as I would LOVE her to be an AXO I think she has the right to choose to join another Chapter if she wants. Heck, she may not even want to go through recruitment. Just because I love it doesn't mean she will. The only way I would encourage my dd to pledge AXO on a specific campus is if I knew a lot about that specific Chapter. Even if she were to go to the college I went to there are no guarantees that the Chapter would be the same or a good fit for her.

My guess is that Mom doesn't understand how much recruitment has changed since she was at school. I'm glad you guys are going to write her recs, but if she is feeling this type of pressure before recruitment my guess is she will be reluctant to join another Chapter for fear of facing the wrath of Mommy Dearest.

[SWTXBelle]

Can you imagine Mommy Dearest's reaction if the legacy chapter cuts her darling??

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by SWTXBelle

Can you imagine Mommy Dearest's reaction if the legacy chapter cuts her darling??

Can you imagine being the one to make THAT phone call?? (If AXO does that...)

[33girl]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

In reading this story, it actually doesn't sound like she is deliberately trying to sabotage her.

It sounds like she genuinely thinks that her daughter doesn't need any other recs because she's guaranteed a bid to her legacy house. You say she's out of state. Heck, where mom was initiated, it may be true that all legacies got bids.

Even if that is the case, the fact that what was right for her 20-30 years ago might not be right for her daughter hasn't even crossed the selfish heffa's mind. This is along the same lines of the moms with weight problems who make their (perfectly healthy and thin) daughters crazy about their weight - although I think that one's a little less deliberate.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Heck, where mom was initiated, it may be true that all legacies got bids.

She said in the OP that daughter is going to mom's school, so the chapter in question at the SEC school is mom's chapter.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

She said in the OP that daughter is going to mom's school, so the chapter in question at the SEC school is mom's chapter.

True but it may be more a matter of "when" then.

[Psi U MC Vito]

You know I would say it was just ignorance, if not for the fact that her mom would only pay for her legacy chapter. It seems to me she wants her daughter to be her Sister or not Greek at all.