Courthouse Ceremony then "Real" Wedding?

SthrnZeta · #1 06-29-2008, 01:22 AM

Calling Army Wife!!! J told me today he thought it would be a good idea to go down to the courthouse in September when he's home on leave and make it legal and then we can still have the "real" wedding next year as we planned (and yes, I mentioned this idea to him about two months ago and he thought it was silly). This would ensure him getting more BAH and separation pay, and me having less taken out of my paycheck for health insurance since I'd be on Tricare, and I'd also be his next of kin so if anything happened to him I'd be ok and first to know, etc. All those lovely military reasons. Anyway, my question is that I have heard some say that that ceremony down at the courthouse would be the "real" wedding and that next year would simply be a vow renewal and that people wouldn't want to go to that so why bother with a wedding ceremony and just have the reception, which I think is BS (I'm wearing that dress and walking down an aisle damn it!) Would it be so weird to do this or is is pretty common in military circles?

Also, what about the name change thing? I could only come up with including our first and middle names on the inside of the invite and calling it a marriage celebration rather than a wedding. Or would it be better to wait until later to change it?

He thought it'd be silly to exchange rings but I figure if we're married, why not wear rings? What about getting simple inexpensive bands and then upgrading next year at our "real" wedding? He doesn't seem to think a ceremony at the courthouse is even real but I beg to differ.

And another question - should we invite our parents since they both live fairly close? My mom loved the idea but seemed disappointed that it would be just him and me and some legal documents. I mean, it's legal and definitely makes us married... Is it a question of religion since it's not before God or something? Argh, I'm so confused!

VandalSquirrel · #2 06-29-2008, 02:21 AM

I once discussed this situation with someone in my life, for very similar reasons. We planned to have the church wedding anyway, later, and celebrate with the people we wanted in the style we planned.

Legally you're still married, and the vows you take before God and your friends and families still matter. If you want to have the wedding as planned do it because you two want to. If people won't come that is their problem, and if you want to wear rings do so. It is your wedding and your life and if people can't be happy for you entering a covenant of marriage before God and everyone and feeding them amazing food then that is sad on their part.

Where's KillarneyRose? I know she has good input on this.

Glitter650 · #3 06-29-2008, 02:46 AM

I know multiple people who did this, so yes I'd argue that esp in military circles, people do this quite often.
I have no problem with it, but I would definitely make sure that you keep the "real wedding"/vow renewal, (how ever you choose to term it) with in that year time frame, or I people may think it's silly/a grab for gifts, esp if you do the showers and bridesmaids and all of that like a year and a half or more later.

SthrnZeta · #4 06-29-2008, 06:41 AM

Well his leave is in September and we're planning on having the big wedding-y stuff next September mostly because his best man will also be deployed but returning home later than him. So it would almost be exactly a year! I think those who love us know our situation and many have asked why we didn't choose to do this in the first place but I guess I was just worried if it was weird to do or not and how to handle the specifics of it (cuz I think of stuff like rings and invites).

ETA: Also how to handle the parents? And can I still do a bachelorette party if I'm already married? It would kinda bum me out if I have to miss out on some stuff

Maybe have it in August right before he gets home and we do this? And then do Bridal shower, etc. next year?

AGDee · #5 06-29-2008, 07:44 AM

I've known people who've done something similar and didn't even tell anybody about the first wedding until years later. Although, it was back in the 50's and they were both living with their parents and did it because they didn't want to wait until the church wedding could be planned to be able to have "relations"

Educatingblue · #6 06-29-2008, 08:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AGDee

I've known people who've done something similar and didn't even tell anybody about the first wedding until years later. Although, it was back in the 50's and they were both living with their parents and did it because they didn't want to wait until the church wedding could be planned to be able to have "relations"

LOL! My parents did that in college

We have friends who got married in Italy where the "husband" was stationed because they thought it would be cool to get married there. They weren't engaged prior to the trip, so obviously no family was there and they said they were going to do a reception when he got back. She got pregnant and 3 1/2 yrs later they still haven't had the reception!!!

KSUViolet06 · #7 06-29-2008, 02:31 PM

I'm not so sure about doing a FULL ON WEDDING like a year later with the bridal showers and all because honestly some people will probably be like "why do they need our gifts/money, they've been married for a year? This is lame." Most people who get married in court just do a reception. If you were to have a full out ceremony a year later I do think some people would really just consider it a vow renewal or something and would think it a bit odd that you were doing a bachelorette party and stuff. I know that you were quite a bit into your planning though so I get where you're coming from with wanting to have all of the shindigs. This is really just my opinion though, So good luck on what you decide, because really it's about what you 2 want to do.

nittanyalum · #8 06-29-2008, 02:56 PM

2 things came to mind, one, you can go do the courthouse thing for all the practical reasons you mentioned, you can tell no one or just your parents and closest friends, why you're doing that makes total sense. Then just go on with the wedding plans as you have them laid out. You will be legally married, but anyone who knows you and knows you want a "real" wedding will know that you two standing in front of a magistrate and then him shipping back out for a year is nowhere near the same thing. I don't think anyone would begrudge you your "real" big day. (and if they do, forget 'em)

The second thought is, if you would feel the other way is "deceiving", why not just fashion your invitations and the theme of the day to a vow-renewal and emphasize what it is, a chance for you to celebrate with your family and friends the "right" way and to let you two have the wedding you'd dreamed of (and celebrate his coming home safely -- that's worth a big party of its own!). Again, anyone who would begrudge you taking the technical step you did to fit in with his military schedule and benefits isn't worth worrying about anyway. I don't see why you couldn't still have a bachelorette party or register, again, it's not like you're doing either of those before your courthouse visit.

You just need to do you and move forward on the path that fits your lives. Anyone worth their salt will happily change paths with you when necessary, if they don't, let them move on down their road. Don't make your life decisions based on what you're worried other people will think, make the decisions that make sense and bring happiness to YOU. And enjoy his visit home, that time goes by way too fast.

SuperblySigma · #9 06-29-2008, 04:04 PM

If you're serious with someone who is deployed, it does make sense to get married, for all the reasons you mentioned. Particularly since y'all are already engaged. Another way to invite people to the "big" white-dress-and-reception wedding would be to tell them that you are having your marriage "blessed" since you had to move it up because of the military. After all, it's not that uncommon for churches and the law to have different opinions on what the word "marriage" means.

Taualumna · #10 06-29-2008, 04:26 PM

A cousin of mine did this. She was having a destination wedding in Europe, and a church wedding in France isn't "official." So she got married in at City Hall in Toronto two weeks before she went away.

preciousjeni · #11 06-29-2008, 04:29 PM

So crazy that I logged on and saw this topic. I got married in a civil ceremony on September 1, 2006. I'm having a small church ceremony on July 27th at which my parents will be in attendence (his parents are deceased

). At the first wedding, while small, we did have a number of friends and family there.

AKA_Monet · #12 06-29-2008, 05:09 PM

I did it too... I got married legally on May 16, 2003 and had a "religious ceremony" (according to Emily Post) on July 2, 2003 where my parents and his parents all attended with a few friends. The whole shebang cost ~$8K...

IDK where you reside, but if you are in a "morally conservative community", come up with a crazy story as to why you all did a civil ceremony... Or hayle, tell the truth--your future hubby wanted more pay and protection with next of kin--what's wrong with that? And the folks on the west coast like California and elsewhere probably wouldn't have a problem with your explanation--not that you all even need it in the first place.

But, wow, did my MIL in FL and middle of GA need some crazy explanation for all her friends. She just had no clue as to what to say to people!!! We did not give her any thoughts and I paid a high price for that lunacy--she was harsh... We are on better terms now--especially after all the shotgun wedding and baby rumors died down--I gained weight due to other circumstances... And my husband and I have just made 5 years!!!

So, I'd say, if your future hunnybun is gonna be here in September, start working on the marriage license with a nice brunch dinner, etc. and 1-2 home movie picture takerers... And the best thing you can do is start reading "marriage enrichment" materials from Dr. Smalley and Dr. Chapman...

texas*princess · #13 06-29-2008, 05:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

I'm not so sure about doing a FULL ON WEDDING like a year later with the bridal showers and all because honestly some people will probably be like "why do they need our gifts/money, they've been married for a year? This is lame." Most people who get married in court just do a reception. If you were to have a full out ceremony a year later I do think some people would really just consider it a vow renewal or something and would think it a bit odd that you were doing a bachelorette party and stuff. I know that you were quite a bit into your planning though so I get where you're coming from with wanting to have all of the shindigs. This is really just my opinion though, So good luck on what you decide, because really it's about what you 2 want to do.

I think it's cool to have a civil ceremony.. and if you want to have a relgious ceremony a year later, then cool... but I would find it weird to do the bachelorette party (especially) and bridal showers and all that the second time around.

Why not do those before the civil ceremony?

I've had friends who did the destination wedding (and another friend doing that in just 2 wks)... so they had their bachelorette/bridal showers before they left and had a reception a month or two later and showed the video of them getting married. There was one girl who had the bachelorette/bridal shower before, got married in a civil ceremony a few days before going off to their destination wedding in another country.

Just my opinion though. I just think it would be weird to have a bachelorette "celebrating your last night of freedom" if you're already married for a year. If you didn't tell people that you were already married though that might be different.

SWTXBelle · #14 06-29-2008, 09:29 PM

Depending on your religious convictions - you can have the civil ceremony, followed whenever by a church ceremony or blessing. I did that for my second marriage. Long story short, civil ceremony in VA in June, and church blessing (with family) in Texas in February. I wouldn't do a bachelorette party (I'm not much on them anyway) but the point behind a shower is to "shower" a couple starting out with the household things they need. If you only invite family and friends who would be in a position to ounderstand the situation you should have no problem. Good luck, and may you have a wonderful marriage, however you decide to handle the wedding!

SthrnZeta · #15 06-30-2008, 01:01 AM

I agree with TP after thinking about it that bachelorette/bridal stuff would have to be this summer before the civil ceremony after not only looking at this board, but talking it out with Mom. As for rings, I think I may get my grandmother's wedding band re-sized and wear that for the first year (Mom's idea) - it's a really simple platinum band and thin, no stones. The band that goes with my engagement ring has diamonds in it and stuff so I'll just wear my grandmother's band on my right hand after the religious ceremony next year. Not only will this be more meaningful, but it will also save us from having to buy two bands for me

The only people I think that may have any sort of problem with this is some of his parents friends that I don't know and the only reason I say this is because I don't know them. All of the people I know and that I'm inviting will completely understand (in fact, some of them made this suggestion already). J doesn't really see this as anything more than paperwork though and I guess I need to talk to him and help him realize it means more than that really because we will be legally married (which matters more than only having a religious ceremony since you have to be legal to be married officially) and the perception by people would be that since we're legally married, anything after that would be extra.

ETA: Any other suggestions on things that would change due to doing it this way?