Reasons why a crow will kick your a$$

damasa · #1 05-16-2002, 08:02 AM

This little thread is inspired by an encounter I had with a crow yesterday evening while I was walking to my Managerial Economics final. He was sitting on a wall that is a little taller than I am and it was perched up there like a hawk searching for its prey. The reason I noticed it was because when I was walking by it, I realized that I was only a few feet away from the thing and it didn't fly away, it barely even nudged. So this puzzled me a little and I thought to walk passed it again, getting a little closer this time. Much to my surprise, the crow sat there ever still. This puzzled me further and I knew that I had to continue in this adventure so i decided to walk passed this bird yet again but getting closer still. While I was walking passed I thought to flinch at the bird like I was going to smash it like a blade of grass between my hands. While doing this, the crow decided to turn around, prop his/her ass towards me, spread his/her wings just a little and started to make a god awful sound. For a second I was somewhat frazzled because I didn't know if it was about to attack me or if it was about to fly away. I backed off just a little and it put down the wings and turned back around to face me, still sitting there on the wall, very still on the wall.

At this point the crow won't take his/her eyes off of me, everytime I move, the bird's head moves with me, in a somewhat frightening kind of way.

(now picture a damasa egging this crow on as If he might be a five-year-old boy with nothing better to do, I mean, it's not like he had a final he had to be at or anything.)

After the awkward looks the crow kept giving me, I decided to go with plan B of the attack. What plan B is, well, all I really did was pull out my bag of Gardetto's that I had recently purchased in the Ag and Urban Planning building. I pull out my freshly opened bag of Gardetto's and begin chucking the rye bread thingies at this crow in hopes that I will budge him from the spot on the wall. Yet the crow was still. Instead of the crow flying off and being scared of my Gardetto's flying at it, the thing decides to start eating my Gardetto's that are scattered about below.

This little "crow taunt" enrages me further and I have no choice but to charge the bird as if I am going to judo slam it to the ground and pounce it with the strength of a thousand tigers. As I reach the wall the crow becomes airborne and I rejoice! YET, the crow doesn't fly away, he simply flys back and fourth around me and around the spot on the wall making very awkward crow sounds. At this point I become frightened and realize that it just may get me. "Plop, oh what was that?" "CROW SHIT"

Ok, the crow shits at me and now it's getting serious. I run through a few thoughts and decide to retreat for two reasons. 1. I retreat in fear that this flying crow is going to attack my face and pluck my eyeballs from my head and 2. I retreat in fear that this crazy crow is going to plop crow shit all over my head if I don't bail a.s.a.p.

So, after reading this little defeat of damasa's you might ask yourself, "well, what the hell are the reasons that a crow will kick my ass?"

a. The crow owns you and the spot it is sitting at, if you know it or not, those are grounds enough to kick your ass.

b. Even if you get too close the crow may leave but it will be back because as stated in part a, it owns you and that spot. If you invade that space, the crow is liable to kick your ass.

c. You can flinch at a crow and pretend you are going to grab it and squash it like a grape on the concrete, but the crow really knows that you are a slow weak human, too slow for the likes of the "wing." This is a mockery of the human, and that is basis enough for the crow to kick your ass.

d. You can throw little food things at a crow to try to make it abandon the spot it sits at. More than likely, the crow will just eat your little food things and basically taunt you in a crow taunting kind of way. If it wanted to, I'm sure it could kick your ass after that as well.

e. You can try to run at a crow like a crazy mofo when all other options fail. You may think that you won at first, but when the crow begins to poop you have lost. When the crow begins to give you the eyeball plucking look, you have lost double. The crow will kick your ass with the poop, and the crow will kick your ass with the eyeball plucking look. AND, that doesn't go to say that the crow will seriously kick your ass if it did get the chance to pluck your eyeballs from your head.

KillarneyRose · #2 05-16-2002, 12:50 PM

Why do I feel like I just finished reading one of Aesop's Fables?

I personally think that the possibility of being pooped on is one of the more powerful deterrants I can think of, by the way.

Siobhan · #3 05-16-2002, 12:53 PM

ROFLMAO

Lil_G · #4 05-16-2002, 04:20 PM

was this before or after one of your exams...could be a sign????

ZTAngel · #5 05-16-2002, 04:23 PM

That was....insightful.

KSigkid · #6 05-16-2002, 04:24 PM

I wouldn't mess with crows or any birds like that...bastards could poke your eyes out, just as soon as it could kick your ass with poop.

Tom Earp · #7 05-16-2002, 04:38 PM

Hell D, that werent a crow, that was a Raven!

Eggar A Poe wrote about them suckers, they are bad muthers!
Sounds like a Raven Vulture to me!

Crows will not move off of the smack they are having in teh street unless you try to his them!

I feel Like I am the Movie the Birds when I get to the store in the AM as they all look at me! But They Know if they mess with me I will just smile and shoot their asses!

Remember, eating Crow is not good!

CutiePie2000 · #8 05-16-2002, 07:02 PM

Watch "Hitch's" The Birds...you will never mess with them again!

aggieAXO · #9 05-16-2002, 11:50 PM

ha ha ha ha, kudos to the crow, it is about time an animal bullied a human ha ha ha ha

theta sig agd · #10 05-16-2002, 11:58 PM

I have got to say this was one of the most entertaining threads yet!!

Thanks....I needed that!

greeklawgirl · #11 05-17-2002, 12:21 AM

Funny this should happen to you now. I've been at the LA County Arboretum doing a training for the last few days--they're famous for their birds: peacocks, swans, geese, etc.

Anyhow, I was there yesterday morning at 6:45 to get set up for the training. I was unloading my trunk in the parking lot, when I heard the most unearthly shriek right behind me!

It startled me so badly I FELL over!!! I look to see what screamed and it was a giant peacock with the tail unfurled and everything. It was HUGE, the tail was probably the same height I am. And then it had the nerve to start pecking at my equipment box! After yelling shoo-shoo for a minute...it finally stalked off.

Fast forward to 6:45 this morning, and I pull up to the Arboretum parking lot again. Coast looks clear. I kill the engine, take my seat belt off and get ready to open the door. The next thing I hear: SQUAK--SQUAK!!!! Its the SAME DAMN PEACOCK right outside my car door. And its giving me the most insolent stare you ever saw.

IT STARTED TO PECK AT MY CAR DOOR.

I panicked! I'm trapped in my car! I honestly didn't know what to do, so I finally leaned on the horn and that scared it away. I have never unloaded my car and headed for the hills so fast in my life.

So that's my story. Hi everybody, I'm greeklawgirl, and I'm being stalked by a peacock.

MoonStar17 · #12 05-17-2002, 02:32 AM

That was soo funny!
I can imagine driving down the street seeing a guy messing with a crow! Hillarious!

Thanks for the good laugh

SigkapAlumWSU · #13 05-17-2002, 05:43 AM

I'm LMAO right now.. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. Do you think that the birds are trying to tell us something? Maybe calling people "bird brains" was never a good idea..

pbpck · #14 05-17-2002, 06:41 AM

Christ, I rarely laugh out loud while reading something online, but in all honesty... I have never laughed harder. I swear to you damasa and greeklawgirl, this is the funniest thread of all time.

I think it's funnier just because I can see myself doing the same thing as damasa. I get kind of OCD about those kind of things and don't realize how ridiculous I must appear to a everyone around me. Plus, pardon my vulgarity, but anyone getting shat on is hysterical.

PM_Mama00 · #15 05-17-2002, 03:15 PM

Hey Damasa, not to be mean, but was anyone around when you were going crow crazy? Cuz if I had seen that, it woulda made my day.

The Canadian geese on UofM-Dearborn's campus like to attack also. My first semester, my friend and I were sittin on the picnic tables. This girl was sitting at another table, and decided that she would just throw one cracker at the goose. The goose kept coming back for more, and jumped up on her table, and started pecking at her belongings.

At one of our meetings we told embarrassing moments that happened in our lives. It turns that a semester after the goose attack, I became the victim's sister!