sticky situation

volgirl2376 · #1 02-08-2002, 01:53 PM

I have a pretty sticky situation coming my way and I would like some advice. This is LONG...and soap opera-ish

I work with a girl, Missy, who I am really great friends with and who is getting married in April.

Missy's maid of honor is Saundra, another coworker of mine.

Enter Jana and her husband Travis. Jana is also in Missy's wedding, and is ultra close with Saundra. (Missy and Saundra were both in her wedding). Travis is one of my ex boyfriends.

All 4 of us girls have known each other since high school.

Problem: Jana and I arent friends anymore. After Travis and I broke up, he began dating Jana a year later. No biggie, but I knew for a fact he was cheating on Jana with as many as 4 or 5 other girls. Because she was my friend, I wanted to tell her what a creep she was dating - but she had lost both parents, and was kind of needy of love. To make a long story short, although she knew I was telling the truth, she chose to be with him and end our friendship.

All these years later, we have managed to avoid each other - which is hard since we share the same friends...and I am the one who usually backs out of events so I dont have to see them. Oh yeah, I still know girls who he is sleeping with behind her back.

So how am I to handle this wedding. There are tons of showers and parties we are throwing, and just knowing Jana will be there makes me want to skip them all...but I dont want to miss out on celebrating Missy's big day.

How should I handle this??

volgirl2376 · #2 02-08-2002, 02:33 PM

stellar advice BrownEyedGirl - that really made re-think alot of things!

i think i left 2 things out - Jana and I were best friends all through high school and one of the events is an overnight trip to the mountains to stay in a cabin - just the girls.

valkyrie · #3 02-08-2002, 03:13 PM

Okay, I have a different take on this, and I might be full of it, but here goes. I think that life is too short to waste time pretending to like people that you don't like. I'm not saying be a bitch or rude or obnoxious or anything, but girl, Jana treated you like crap and I don't think that you have to forget that or pretend it never happened just to put on a false front that you are all happy and wonderful for someone's wedding festivities.

Missy knows what happened, right? So if she is your friend, she understands that and knows that you and Jana are not friends. Missy should not expect you to have to act like Jana's pal. As a side note, just how many showers and parties are there??? Yes, you should go to them (although I am not advocating having more than one shower) and be civil (which to me means saying "hello" and avoiding Jana the rest of the time if you don't want to talk to her).

As far as the cabin in the mountains -- if you feel uncomfortable around Jana, I would skip it. I don't mean to sound harsh, but why you should have to be in close quarters with Jana is beyond me. I see no reason why anyone would even ask you to do this. I would NEVER ask friends to do anything that made them uncomfortable, even if it was for reasons I didn't understand. I would not expect nor want people to sit around and pretend to like each other if they didn't -- if I had a friend in your situation, it would mean very much to me that she could tell me honestly, no, I don't feel comfortable going to a cabin with so-and-so, so why don't you and I do something else? I would especially be understanding of this if my two friends had the history that you and Jana have. I mean, if you really want to go and participate, then you shouldn't let Jana stop you, but otherwise I wouldn't bother.

I don't intend to sound mean, but I hate all that fake crap that goes on with weddings.

justamom · #4 02-08-2002, 03:30 PM

one of the events is an overnight trip to the mountains to stay in a cabin - just the girls.

This is a potentially explosive stuation. If there is any drinking or "attitude adjustment" going on, you will be exposing yourself to your burried feelings AND hers! That's 2 people who under "relaxed" circumstances may lose control of emotions. One slip of the tongue or one wrong interpretation and BOOOOM!

This is probably the one event everyone else is looking forward to, but then do they know the history? If they know, they may act like peacekeepers OR, it could turn into an all out brawl with blame getting thrown around.

I agree with browneyedgirl's post (BTW-GREAT advice!)
When I read your NEXT post, I hve to say you have 2 options-
You can face Jana and tell her that you want to be civil but understand there's no guarantee when girls are sitting around indulging...
You can bow out of this ONE gathering and spend some time with other friends you have neglected during this busy time.

It might be the wrong choice for others, but since I know how I am, I'd send my regrets...

justamom · #5 02-08-2002, 03:38 PM

I don't intend to sound mean, but I hate all that fake crap that goes on with weddings.

ESPECIALLY when it comes from the GROOM!!!

volgirl2376 · #6 02-08-2002, 03:39 PM

all these comments are such good advice. the other two girls involved, missy (the bride to be) and saundra (the maid of honor) do know about the situation - but we really dont talk about it. the overnight trip sounds so much fun, but unless some other girls i know are coming too, i dont think i can go. i have missed several birthday and christmas parties bc i knew jana and travis would be there. ah~ i hate being in this situation!

oh yeah - i still stand by my decision to tell jana about her then bf now husband. he is one of those guys who picks up younger women online or wherever and denies that he is married. its sick. i swear if you had his aol name you could just say hi, and he would hit on you so hard and fast you would be out of breath!

Sisterplum · #7 02-08-2002, 04:00 PM

Go to the wedding, any parties, but I would seriously re-think the cabin thing unless it's gonna be a huge girly party and there is some way you can aviod her. If it's just gonna be the 4 of you, don't go....it will only cause problems.

But definately go to the wedding and the showers!!! Think of how upset you will be if you miss your friends wedding. AND how upset Missy will be that you're not there. I had a friend skip my wedding cause of someone who was going to be there (my maid of honor!). This person was a childhood friend of my husband and dated his brother, but when she found out Andrea was there (my MOH) she didn't come....cause she REALLY hates Andrea (cause my brother-in-law broke up with this girl to date Andrea).
I saw her the week after the wedding and she was really upset that she missed it. I was showing her the pics of everyone having a blast and she apolgized profusely for not coming!!!

So please, please, please go to the wedding!!!!!! It will make both you and the bride happier that you're there! Ignore this Jana chick and have a blast!!!!

Peaches-n-Cream · #8 02-08-2002, 04:35 PM

I would go and not let Jana control the situation. Be the lady that we know you are, put on your prettiest outfit, and smile. It might be uncomfortable, but remember it is Missy's wedding. Just be the best version of yourself and everything will be fine. If you sense some hostility from Jana, just say hello and find other people to hang out with. I think that you both should be able to put aside any problems that you had in the past for your friend Missy.

APhiRattlerGal · #9 02-08-2002, 05:24 PM

I agree with Cream, just be there for Missy! You can do it, be strong!