How do I not make this awkward?

[MMSe]

short version:

Is it awkward to call guys from a fraternity up and ask if they can hang out or grab lunch if I only met them exactly one time, for 30 minutes? If I was IN the pledge class it wouldn't be, but I'm not, which makes me nervous, and I'm afraid they'll be too focused on their pledge class.

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Long version:

Rush ended up going quite badly for me. Actually it was probably the worst possible outcome.

I rushed one fraternity that I liked a lot, but was rejected before their first invite-only night. At the same time, I was rushing a "backup" fraternity which I kind of liked, but had some reservations about.

Anyway, I was planning on deferring a bid from this backup because I kind of liked some of the guys in there a lot, but others....not so much and I had some reservations about the group as a whole. So I thought, "I'll just defer and hang out with them in the meantime and see how I feel after a while."

Which sucks is that on the very last day of rush, where it was invite only, I met 4-5 guys from a 3rd fraternity I hadn't considered before, and I ended up liking them all a lot. We ate lunch and as I learned more about their fraternity, I got really excited about it and started to get a better gut feeling than I did with my first backup.

So after lunch they said they'd give me a call later in the day, and I thought I might be lucky enough to get invited to their final invite-only night. But because I didn't meet with them until the last day of rush, the rush chair had to call me up and tell me that although I was a cool guy and "we should hang out sometime", they had a large pledge class and had to focus on the guys that attended the earlier events.

Needless to say, I was quite upset, and then I was even more upset when original backup called me and offered me a bid. And since I felt like my "heart" was with another fraternity now, I had to reject their bid and not defer it because I felt it'd be unfair to the brothers when I'd secretly be hanging out/wanting to hang out with other fraternity I just met. But the rush chair of this backup (who I like) asked me to attend their chapter meeting this afternoon just to see how they operate, so I'm going to go to be polite but it's going to be really painful.


So two questions:

1) Is it awkward to call guys from a fraternity up and ask if they can hang out or grab lunch sometime after I only met them once, for 30 minutes? If I was IN the pledge class it wouldn't be, but I'm not, which makes me nervous.
And I really want to get to know them better because I'm basically sacrificing my backup for them, but I know most of them will probably be assigned littles and will be busy with their pledge class and I don't want to appear awkward or desperate. So maybe I should give them a week or so? And they did technically reject me, but I feel I wouldn't have been if I had attended any of their 3 open house events OR their first invite only night.

and

2) Should I really feel guilty for rejecting this backup frat when, even though they like me, I just don't think I could take their membership vows with a whole heart? It really sucks because I've had a hard time making friends here overall, I'm lonely a lot, and this would be a really easy way out, but it would kind of be like I'm settling and I think that'd be unfair to them.

[Gusteau]

OK, first of all, you're rush did not have the "worst possible outcome" because you got a bid somewhere.

Depending on campus culture, I don't think it would be awkward to call up the third fraternity. Your post leads me to believe that the groups on your campus are conducting a dynamic continuous recruitment where they are constantly meeting people and recruiting them (and by recruiting I mean becoming friends with them, not handing out bids year round). If they are recruiting like this, I wouldn't be surprised if they contacted you to grab lunch soon. However, things do get very busy with a new pledge class and some chapter members forget that recruitment does not end, so if it's what you really want I don't see any reason not to take matters into your own hands.

I would also recommend that you go to the second fraternity's chapter meeting. I only knew a few of the brothers going into rush, and for some reason I did not think I would get along with the ones I did not already know. This turned out to be a completely untrue snap judgment. I am very close with a lot of those guys who I originally thought I wouldn't want to hang out with.

I don't think you should feel guilty for choosing a fraternity that is right for you, but I do think you will feel guilty for not giving #2 a fair chance.

[MMSe]

Thanks Gusteau, that's good advice.
When I ate lunch with the vice president, he did say that the fraternity has "unofficial recruitment", which is where, he said, they are always on the lookout for new members and for recruiting guys even after "official" rush ends. So that does make me feel better about calling them up, especially because one of the guys I liked talking to was the recruitment chair.

And after I met with my friend who is the rush chair for my original backup and explained all of this to him, I chose to defer on their bid. I told him straight up that I was still considering joining another fraternity, but he seemed to indicate that was okay. So I have a week to change my "defer' to "accept" for this one, but it seems like this semester I can just hang out with both groups and see which one I fit in better with.

[APhiAnna]

One thing to keep in mind: sometimes guys will NOT want to give a second bid to somebody who turned down a bid before. The mentality is that, "Oh, he didn't think we were good enough before so screw him." Just be prepared that if enough guys feel that way the second fraternity may not be a viable option. I know with my brother's fraternity they did that once to somebody because they felt insulted that they were considered the second choice.

[lucgreek]

Originally Posted by APhiAnna

One thing to keep in mind: sometimes guys will NOT want to give a second bid to somebody who turned down a bid before. The mentality is that, "Oh, he didn't think we were good enough before so screw him." Just be prepared that if enough guys feel that way the second fraternity may not be a viable option. I know with my brother's fraternity they did that once to somebody because they felt insulted that they were considered the second choice.

Seriously. Unless we were desperate for numbers, if someone rejected our initial bid and then came back next semester wanting one, unless he was some sort of amazing PNM (4.0, tons of extracurriculars, insane campus involvement), we wouldn't give him the time of day.

[MMSe]

Seriously. Unless we were desperate for numbers, if someone rejected our initial bid and then came back next semester wanting one, unless he was some sort of amazing PNM (4.0, tons of extracurriculars, insane campus involvement), we wouldn't give him the time of day.

Well, they didn't offer me a bid, the president and vice president invited me to their first invite-only night, which I stupidly turned down to attend the other fraternity's. Later that night, I sent them an email saying how sorry I was that I missed it and if I could meet any other brothers I that I'd really appreciate it.

Then the next day, about 3 hours before the second invite-only night, I met with the recruitment chair and about 4-5 other brothers, and we talked for about 30 minutes, and THEN they called me later that night saying they couldn't invite me to the final invite only night. That's when they also told me to rush in the Spring and that "we can hang out sometime".

So I would hope that turning down an invite-only night (I don't know if other schools have them?) is less severe than turning down a bid, ESPECIALLY if I showed continued interest after turning down the initial bid.

Please let me know.

[ThetaDancer]

Originally Posted by MMSe

And after I met with my friend who is the rush chair for my original backup and explained all of this to him, I chose to defer on their bid. I told him straight up that I was still considering joining another fraternity, but he seemed to indicate that was okay. So I have a week to change my "defer' to "accept" for this one, but it seems like this semester I can just hang out with both groups and see which one I fit in better with.

Originally Posted by MMSe

Well, they didn't offer me a bid, the president and vice president invited me to their first invite-only night, which I stupidly turned down to attend the other fraternity's. Later that night, I sent them an email saying how sorry I was that I missed it and if I could meet any other brothers I that I'd really appreciate it.

Then the next day, about 3 hours before the second invite-only night, I met with the recruitment chair and about 4-5 other brothers, and we talked for about 30 minutes, and THEN they called me later that night saying they couldn't invite me to the final invite only night. That's when they also told me to rush in the Spring and that "we can hang out sometime".

So I would hope that turning down an invite-only night (I don't know if other schools have them?) is less severe than turning down a bid, ESPECIALLY if I showed continued interest after turning down the initial bid.

Please let me know.

I think people might be referencing the bid you chose to defer, if I'm reading this all correctly. If you only had a week to change from "defer" to "accept," you may not have the luxury of spending a semester and deciding which group you like best, because the group that did offer you a bid may not offer you another one.

[lucgreek]

Originally Posted by MMSe

Well, they didn't offer me a bid, the president and vice president invited me to their first invite-only night, which I stupidly turned down to attend the other fraternity's. Later that night, I sent them an email saying how sorry I was that I missed it and if I could meet any other brothers I that I'd really appreciate it.

Then the next day, about 3 hours before the second invite-only night, I met with the recruitment chair and about 4-5 other brothers, and we talked for about 30 minutes, and THEN they called me later that night saying they couldn't invite me to the final invite only night. That's when they also told me to rush in the Spring and that "we can hang out sometime".

So I would hope that turning down an invite-only night (I don't know if other schools have them?) is less severe than turning down a bid, ESPECIALLY if I showed continued interest after turning down the initial bid.

Please let me know.

If someone told me they turned down our invite-only night to go to another group's night, it would stick with me. The entire chapter most likely knows you turned down their invite. That being said, you said they hung out with you for a short amount of time and told you to hang out and rush in the spring.

Things change in a semester, if you're not hanging out with them already or getting calls about stuff, chances are they're not focusing their effort on you. So either they're expecting you to do a lot of the work with contacting them or (most likely) they aren't that interested in you. Currently, my group has PNMs that we are actively contacting already in order to prepare for Spring Rush. Granted I don't know your school or campus climate, so it might operate differently for you.

It doesn't hurt to call the group, but if they don't call you or keep you in the loop about the spring, they probably don't want you.