D&R Random

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by Psi U MC Vito

My phone does not like quotes but I do have a question based on comments made by PB and CG. Why is your partner being a Christian a non negotiable for you or some people in general?

Not geared toward me, but I have found, over the years, that this is an area where a life philosophy can be so different that it becomes impossible to build a partnership without agreement. When you have a very strong faith, a lot of your decisions are based in that faith. And, if you want your marriage to be a joining of two people in God's eyes, not just a legal union, then there has to be some agreement there. Ultimately, I want a partner who would pray for me and with me, not just tolerate my prayer.

[StealthMode]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

Also, I just find it so personal that I'm pretty turned off when someone feels the need to announce it when no one cares.

(I don't think you were talking about me with that comment but) Valkyrie assumed my faith was my sole reason and I corrected her--otherwise, it wouldn't have come up. So I totally hear you. Just like when people go on and on about how wild they were the night before or randomly start bragging about their hook ups. Those tend to be bragging points when really, let's be honest--I didn't ask what parts of homeboy were as big as a horse's and could honestly have lived my whole life without hearing that story.

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Another interesting note: I have Jewish and Muslim friends who have chosen to wait. I've noticed that you NEVER see/hear Jewish or Muslim women discussing that.

Do these friends talk about sex at all? I ask because I have a couple Muslim friends and wouldn't know if they abstain or not because they don't mention sex, period--even the ones who are married. I just (maybe mistakenly) figured it was a generally taboo topic in that culture so they wouldn't mention either way.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Psi U MC Vito

My phone does not like quotes but I do have a question based on comments made by PB and CG. Why is your partner being a Christian a non negotiable for you or some people in general?

It is a non-negotiable for me, because it simply takes too much energy to try to get along with someone I do not agree with. And I am not just talking about his faith alone. Just because a woman and a man agree on faith, does not mean they are going to get along with one another. I am also speaking of things closer to home --how he spends his money, how he believes in raising children, what kind of family he comes from, how he keeps his home (is it clean?), etc. --the things that I truly value (non-negotiable) --shall I go on?

I just believe that those who operate on the same wavelength maintain a consistent balance that increases overall satisfaction with life, and the longevity of the relationship. And all of this starts with you as an individual person. As I have said before, a lot will depend on aligning with the right person in the right way at the right time --if you really want it to work. It is important to be "right" to be able to see and receive one who is right for you. The person you align yourself with has everything to do with who you are. This is why it is very important to agree.

This is very clear in the book of Amos 3:3.

Originally Posted by AGDee

Not geared toward me, but I have found, over the years, that this is an area where a life philosophy can be so different that it becomes impossible to build a partnership without agreement. When you have a very strong faith, a lot of your decisions are based in that faith. And, if you want your marriage to be a joining of two people in God's eyes, not just a legal union, then there has to be some agreement there. Ultimately, I want a partner who would pray for me and with me, not just tolerate my prayer.

THIS!

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by Psi U MC Vito

My phone does not like quotes but I do have a question based on comments made by PB and CG. Why is your partner being a Christian a non negotiable for you?

Well, when it comes to finding and keeping a partner, there really is no easy 1-2-3 formula. But there are certain principles that work, for me. I'm talking about sound principles, established by the One who created us and knows how we as human beings are wired. God has a lot to say about romance, so I feel more comfortable following His word, and more comfortable being involved romantically with a woman who does the same. I have to go back to the Bible, because (to me) it's like an instruction manual for life, to find principles that have worked for as long as men and woman have been roaming the face of the earth. Whether folks believe the Bible is the Word of God, or whether folks have an intimate relationship with God, the bottom line is that principles found in His Book are universal truths. They work whether folks believe in them –or Him –or not.

What human beings have changed relationships into has taken and continues to take a huge nosedive, and the further away from God we become, it will only get worse before it gets better. So, I'd rather remain open to the principles the Bible offers for human relationships between a man and a woman, and also accept the woman He gives to me as the cherished prize.

A woman who is not a Christian isn't going to believe what I believe when it comes to truths that the Bible has to offer. I look for a godly woman. Not hardness in a woman, but for true strength. To me, women are very powerful, so if I'm sincerely attracted to her and she has my heart, then she should use the power she was gifted with productively towards God's purposes and not her own. A godly woman knows this, and practices it with consistency. That's why a Christian woman is so important to me. She is a stabilizing and balancing force in the life of a man, and I cannot stress that enough.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by StealthMode

(I don't think you were talking about me with that comment but) Valkyrie assumed my faith was my sole reason and I corrected her--otherwise, it wouldn't have come up. So I totally hear you. Just like when people go on and on about how wild they were the night before or randomly start bragging about their hook ups. Those tend to be bragging points when really, let's be honest--I didn't ask what parts of homeboy were as big as a horse's and could honestly have lived my whole life without hearing that story.

Do these friends talk about sex at all? I ask because I have a couple Muslim friends and wouldn't know if they abstain or not because they don't mention sex, period--even the ones who are married.

No, I wasn't referring to you. :-) You don't really volunteer it unless its part of a larger discussion (i.e., this one).

It really does seem to be a status symbol among some Christian communities to be waiting till marriage--especially if you aren't a virgin. My ex grew up as an Orthodox Jew, and the subject of waiting came up at some point. He said that his parents never really encouraged him or his brothers to wait, nor did their synagogue. He has no clue whether or not his brothers waited until marriage, and they're really close. It just wasn't a status symbol like how it seems to be in some Christian communities. Maybe Jews and Muslims just see it as a private manner? I'd be offended if a clergyman asked me--it's between me, my partner, and my doctor.

It seems like the concise version of what cheerfulgreek and PrettyBoy are saying is that they want to be "equally yoked" to their partner. It's actually a pretty sound concept even outside or religious beliefs. You simply want to have the same values as your spouse. It makes having children easier. Having the same value system is important to me as well--and I'm decidedly not a Christian.

[Phrozen Sands]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

I just believe that premarital sex for a lot of couples creates a less-than-stable platform for the rest of the realtionship to function on.

Well, yeah, it would if the relationship was strictly that. But there are couples who can have sex before being married, and still function well as happy a couple, before and after marriage. As long as there's some kind of chemistry there, I think most relationships would be stable enough to go the long-haul.

Originally Posted by AGDee

Some people are smart enough to wait until they're willing for their partner to be the parent of their child. Abstinence is the only 100% effective method of birth control. Every other method has resulted in children. I'm lucky my "one in a million" happened with the man I was marrying. Aside from any moral or religious reasons, being prepared to deal with the possible consequences is a very good reason to postpone intercourse.

I agree with this. I think people just don't see the risk during the heat of the moment.

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

You went to Vanderbilt? Nashville, right? My brother and his wife graduated from Meharry. You know about Meharry, right?

Do I know about Meharry? Do I know about Meharry? Do I....I have three frat brothers who are physicians that graduated from there. I'm not sure if you've seen the Spike Lee movie School Daze, but I also met my frat brother who was in School Daze, he went to Meharry and is now a surgeon. What did your brother and his wife take up while they were there? Small world.

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

In my very limited experience with adult virgins, the ones who are the loudest about it are Christian women. .

I'm not trying to call anybody out, but I agree with this. I think a lot of women who are virgins and are religious, seem to want the whole world to know. Just based on what I've seen in my experience, they make it seem as though because they are virgins that every guy should or would want to be with them because they're....well....pure? They just seem like that's going to make a guy more attracted to them. I can respect their reasoning behind it, but they should relax on bragging about something that I think a lot of guys couldn't care less about.

[Phrozen Sands]

I think my biggest problem with dating is I get too caught up in what she looks like. Like with the date I had Saturday night. She was really nice, and we got along great, but I just wasn't physically attracted to her. She wasn't fat, but she wasn't thin either. Her body really didn't have much of a shape to it at all. I think that's the problem I had with my ex. She was gorgeous, but had issues in other areas that ended our relationship. I think if I could have one or the other, I would pass on both. Can't I just get one that's in the middle? Is that asking too much? Lol.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

When you (in general) "fall in love", patience is not one of the things you feel. That's because "falling in love" and love are two different issues. "Falling in love" is about how I feel. Love is what I do for others. When it is love, waiting won't seem long or unreasonable.

http://youtu.be/csqQj9i652g
I heard this on the radio this morning and it reminded me of this very part of this post. LOL.

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

Do I know about Meharry? Do I know about Meharry? Do I....I have three frat brothers who are physicians that graduated from there. I'm not sure if you've seen the Spike Lee movie School Daze, but I also met my frat brother who was in School Daze, he went to Meharry and is now a surgeon. What did your brother and his wife take up while they were there? Small world.

It is a small world. They were in the dental program there, and are now dentists.

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

I think my biggest problem with dating is I get too caught up in what she looks like. Like with the date I had Saturday night. She was really nice, and we got along great, but I just wasn't physically attracted to her. She wasn't fat, but she wasn't thin either. Her body really didn't have much of a shape to it at all. I think that's the problem I had with my ex. She was gorgeous, but had issues in other areas that ended our relationship. I think if I could have one or the other, I would pass on both. Can't I just get one that's in the middle? Is that asking too much? Lol.

LOL I hear you. I remember when I was single, I would have friends from church telling me all the time about women they would like me to meet. The first thing I think about -but the last thing I ask -is how does she look? I don't want to appear carnal, or shallow or whatnot, but this is really the first thought that comes to my mind. I'm still growing in this area, but I do understand that, though attraction is important, the features that initially attract me to a woman are the least important in qualifying her for marriage.

I think the root issue here is wholeness. Lack of wholeness can cause us to be attracted to a person for the wrong reasons. Kind of goes back to what cheers said about knowing yourself. If you don't know who you are, and you're looking for someone to complete you, you will be looking for features in a woman that you lack yourself or for qualities that you feel will give you validation with others. This is just an "in general" thing that I believe, not "you" per se.

I'm with you though. A woman has to catch my eye first before I decide I want to see what's inside i.e. personality, etc. Clearly personality is important to attraction, more important than physical attraction, but personality alone fails to tell me enough about the inward person to make an informed decision. And although she has to catch my eye first, I also understand that the elements of attraction (such as appearance) that are important when we first meet someone will not be as important as the information we find out later.

Glad it's not just me though. I'm not going to be as persistent if she doesn't look goooood! I'll work that much harder to get her.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

As long as there's some kind of chemistry there, I think most relationships would be stable enough to go the long-haul.

No, uh, uh. "Chemistry" does not add up to long-term relationship, commitment does. Sparks can fly when two incompatible people initially get together. Couples who initially feel that "chemistry" seem to start off well don't they? That's because everyone starts off with good intentions, best foot forward. But, get familiar and comfortable with each other and let life hit the fan, let the stress quotient mount, or simply let time do its work, and that's when you see the real deal, raw and naked. The personality that was hidden by "chemistry" comes to the forefront in all its glory.

We have been led astray by an "If it feels good, and there is "chemistry", do it" culture that never considers the outcome of its actions. People throw that word around a lot and have no idea how deceitful it can be. The bigger question to ask yourself is what would you like your relationship to look like? And then find and pursue someone who will make that happen. It is about meeting a partner who is like you (at heart) but different from you (in gifts and function). Start basing your choices on function and not "chemistry". Take the time needed to get to know who you have initially taken interest in, because the most sustainable "chemistry" is one that builds slowly. --and that is not called having "chemistry", that is called having patience.



"Oh, I just like him so much. There is so much "chemistry" between us".

Really, how long have you known him?

"Two weeks"....

And two weeks later, he's already a "boyfriend"....

Six months later "We broke up "...

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

http://youtu.be/csqQj9i652g
I heard this on the radio this morning and it reminded me of this very part of this post. LOL.

This song should be titled "The Truth".

[Psi U MC Vito]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

It is a non-negotiable for me, because it simply takes too much energy to try to get along with someone I do not agree with. And I am not just talking about his faith alone. Just because a woman and a man agree on faith, does not mean they are going to get along with one another. I am also speaking of things closer to home --how he spends his money, how he believes in raising children, what kind of family he comes from, how he keeps his home (is it clean?), etc. --the things that I truly value (non-negotiable) --shall I go on?

I just believe that those who operate on the same wavelength maintain a consistent balance that increases overall satisfaction with life, and the longevity of the relationship. And all of this starts with you as an individual person. As I have said before, a lot will depend on aligning with the right person in the right way at the right time --if you really want it to work. It is important to be "right" to be able to see and receive one who is right for you. The person you align yourself with has everything to do with who you are. This is why it is very important to agree.

This is very clear in the book of Amos 3:3.




THIS!

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

Well, when it comes to finding and keeping a partner, there really is no easy 1-2-3 formula. But there are certain principles that work, for me. I'm talking about sound principles, established by the One who created us and knows how we as human beings are wired. God has a lot to say about romance, so I feel more comfortable following His word, and more comfortable being involved romantically with a woman who does the same. I have to go back to the Bible, because (to me) it's like an instruction manual for life, to find principles that have worked for as long as men and woman have been roaming the face of the earth. Whether folks believe the Bible is the Word of God, or whether folks have an intimate relationship with God, the bottom line is that principles found in His Book are universal truths. They work whether folks believe in them –or Him –or not.

What human beings have changed relationships into has taken and continues to take a huge nosedive, and the further away from God we become, it will only get worse before it gets better. So, I'd rather remain open to the principles the Bible offers for human relationships between a man and a woman, and also accept the woman He gives to me as the cherished prize.

A woman who is not a Christian isn't going to believe what I believe when it comes to truths that the Bible has to offer. I look for a godly woman. Not hardness in a woman, but for true strength. To me, women are very powerful, so if I'm sincerely attracted to her and she has my heart, then she should use the power she was gifted with productively towards God's purposes and not her own. A godly woman knows this, and practices it with consistency. That's why a Christian woman is so important to me. She is a stabilizing and balancing force in the life of a man, and I cannot stress that enough.

Thank you for answering in such detail. I don't necessarily agree, but I can see where you two are coming from.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

But, get familiar and comfortable with each other and let life hit the fan, let the stress quotient mount, or simply let time do its work, and that's when you see the real deal, raw and naked. The personality that was hidden by "chemistry" comes to the forefront in all its glory.

I hollered!
http://youtu.be/-_kwXNVCaxY

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

We have been led astray by an "If it feels good, and there is "chemistry", do it" culture that never considers the outcome of its actions. People throw that word around a lot and have no idea how deceitful it can be. The bigger question to ask yourself is what would you like your relationship to look like? And then find and pursue someone who will make that happen. It is about meeting a partner who is like you (at heart) but different from you (in gifts and function). Start basing your choices on function and not "chemistry". Take the time needed to get to know who you have initially taken interest in, because the most sustainable "chemistry" is one that builds slowly. --and that is not called having "chemistry", that is called having patience.

Thank you!

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Psi U MC Vito

I don't necessarily agree, but I can see where you two are coming from.

I don't expect you to agree, because you, PB, and I are three individual people with three individual values. What you value may not be what we value, but the bottom line is you do have values, and you do have non-negotiables. Everyone who values themselves does.

With that said, whether you choose to agree with my sentiments or not, if you put yourself in a position with someone who does not value what you value, or believe what you believe, then it is simply not going to work out (Christian or non-Christian). Caught up in the moment, the heart does not consider the consequences. The heart chooses, but the mind must qualify the choice. You can feel right about the wrong person, if you are not careful. So upon meeting someone, "think" before you make a final decision.

Originally Posted by Psi U MC Vito

Thank you for answering in such detail.

You're welcome.

[Mizeree I2K]

Originally Posted by XAntoftheSkyX

I've completely forgotten how to do the whole 'asking someone out' thing.

What happened? HC you feel like that?

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

Depends on the mood. Sometimes we sit back and laugh at your dumb azz posts. Keep up the good work LOL!

Originally Posted by StealthMode

That sounds like a song. Oh wait: http://youtu.be/1KAzX3i5aeU

LOL @ you over here passing hints to Dusty. Based on your old username, it sounds like you want dude to "find" you. When dude left Cali, after you dropped him off at the airport, you hit him up with another song?

CTFU! http://youtu.be/7CzpVOo-WIM

[XAntoftheSkyX]

Originally Posted by Mizeree I2K

What happened? HC you feel like that?

Well, I'd like to think I'm personable enough once I'm on a date, or in a relationship, but I've found asking someone out difficult at times. I guess I'm too harsh on myself and can't find anything to say that I think would work.

However I went on a date Monday night and it went really well.

[TonyB06]

Originally Posted by XAntoftheSkyX

Well, I'd like to think I'm personable enough once I'm on a date, or in a relationship, but I've found asking someone out difficult at times. I guess I'm too harsh on myself and can't find anything to say that I think would work.

However I went on a date Monday night and it went really well.

It's not about finding something that will "work." It's about letting your conversation come from your natural self.

In terms of conversation starters, use commonalities. If you're at a gym, strike up a conversation about what equipment she prefers, cybex or nautilus? be prepared to tell (not brag) her about your preference, and go from there.

Direct the conversation, but let her lead it. A listening (responsive) dialogue will likely put her more at ease because she's talking about something she knows (herself). Whatever you do, don't make it all about you.

Do (say) everything with a mannerable smile.

Above most all, lose the self-doubt. Few things in life are more attractive to a woman than a quietly confident man. Not arrogant, not haughty, but confident.

Even if she says no to your conversation, you're out no more than you were before you spoke to her. And if you're a good dude, it's her loss.

Remember, confidence.