Rushing Gay

I need some adivice:

In the fall I will be rushing. Because I am gay, I was wondering if I should be open about that when meeting the brothers of the houses. It is not obvious that I am gay, but I feel that I should be honest with my potential future brothers. If I kept silent, noone would know, but what if something happened that it came out? I don't want to be dishonest... after all, what good is brotherly love if it is based on dishonesty..?
I need some advice. What are your feels on this?

[Corbin Dallas]

I would think that if it isn't brought up, don't worry about it. Don't try and dance around the subject, but don't just go up to them and say, "Hi I'm gay, how are you?" Being a part of your fraternity shouldn't have anything to do with your sexual preference. When you make other friends, do you start things off by telling them you're gay, or wait and see if it comes around to that?

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Steve Corbin
Lambda Chi Alpha
Theta Kappa Zeta Chapter
Rose-Hulman Inst. of Tech.

[Eli]

I'd have to agree... "dont ask dont tell." Im not gay, so I guess I cannot fully understand your dilemma, but I do know that if you get in, whatever you are or become will be respected by the brothers of your fraternity.

Hope this helps,
Easy E www.angelfire.com/va2/gammachi

[Corbin Dallas]

Originally posted by Eli:
... but I do know that if you get in, whatever you are or become will be respected by the brothers of your fraternity.

True. I think brothers are for the most part very understanding if a brother comes out, probably moreso than of someone who comes in wearing their sexuality like a high school letter jacket and wants to join their group.

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Steve Corbin
Lambda Chi Alpha
Theta Kappa Zeta Chapter
Rose-Hulman Inst. of Tech.

[Eli]

You may not fully understand the brotherhood... i guess you'd have to pledge and be accpeted to understand... that it won't matter once your in. Of course, you would want to tell them in a subtle manner (if at all).

I love all my brothers, and if any of them had something they wanted to tell me from their heart, I would listen. I mean, when I was going to our Ranniculus Ball, I lost my date at the last second (family), and at least five other brothers offered to find a girl for me to go with (although I did not need help). I went with Sara, another friend of mine. But hey, your brothers will love you for you; that is what the brotherhood is.

Aristotle said there are three types of friendship... that of use, pleasure, and goodness.

Use is a friendship where one may use another for a position of power... but this friendship is not good, as he may lose power, and with it the friendship is nullified.

Pleasure is a friendship where one may use another for something pleasureful (as in male/female relationships). One makes the other feel good. But, like use, pleasure may also leave the friendship, and without that pleaseure, this friendship too, is void.

Which brings us to the only friendship which is "true." Goodness. A friendship of goodness is not based on pleasure or use... use and pleasure may be a part of this frienship, but to a higher extent. (If the use or pleaseure leave, a friendship of goodness remains in-tact).

The point is, brotherhood is based on a frienship of goodness. I like to think of our fraternity as a family, because my real family is 400 miles away, and going home is not an option.

Easy E www.angelfire.com/va2/gammachi

[Corbin Dallas]

Originally posted by q&a14:

I would never walk into a room and say "I'm gay, how does that make you feel." Actually it would not be obviouse to anyone except those that cross my personal life.

Well then I wouldn't worry about it until they actually cross your personal life. It shouldn't be an issue until you invite those people into your life, and they invite you into theirs. Eli is right, you might understand more if/when you're a brother. Check this page out: http://mcrae.ca/greek/docuhome.htm
click on general, and "Every Man a Man?"

Hope it helps.

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Steve Corbin
Lambda Chi Alpha
Theta Kappa Zeta Chapter
Rose-Hulman Inst. of Tech.

Originally posted by Corbin Dallas:
True. I think brothers are for the most part very understanding if a brother comes out, probably moreso than of someone who comes in wearing their sexuality like a high school letter jacket and wants to join their group.

I would never walk into a room and say "I'm gay, how does that make you feel." Actually it would not be obviouse to anyone except those that cross my personal life. I just don't want to been seen as deceitful if it ever comes out (excuse the pun) in the future. I have no issue with my sexuality (it really isn't that big of a deal) but don't want my future brothers to think that 1.) our brotherhood was based on untruths
2.) that I deliberately deceived them.

And what about the potential for thoughts like: "this whole time he was gay... I wonder if he was looking at my ass in the showers..."

I am anxiouse to contribute to my future fraternity (assuming I am accepted into one), and I am anxiouse to be accepted by my future brothers... I just don't want anything to happen that may prevent years of friendships...

[Manders]

I have to disagree with most of these posts. At least at my school the frat guys are very...how do I say...well I don't know how to say it, but I feel like if they didn't know up front and gave you a bid and found out later, or god forbid while you were pledging, you would get hell. I'm in no way saying this is right but I'm just being realistic. I'm also not saying that it would be this way in every GLO at every campus. I'm just giving you my experience. I don't know what way you could bring this up. But usually during rush, the topic of relationships or girls will come up. Maybe you could casually mention it then. I hope I don't sound rude or naive. These are just my thoughts...good luck!!

[Eli]

Manders, are people really so closded minded to their brothers and sisters there? I mean, my brothers would do anything for me, and I of them. To my understanding, that is what the brotherhood is, and what we have (here).

Easy E www.angelfire.com/va2/gammachi

[ManndingoNUPE]

I am sorry Eli, Manders is basically "keeping it real". There are some people that would take offense. I am not saying that it is right, but you have be honest, there are some guys that would turn thier backs on you if you came out of the closet. I am not saying that this is what brotherhood is about, but if we are to be honest, we have to acknowledge that homophobia is still very prevelant in our society, especially in the macho, ego driven, "I'm a real man", world of fraternities.

[Corbin Dallas]

I think the way it would be in my chapter is that at first everyone would be weirded out by it, which I think would happen anywhere. Some guys would be *******s, and not want to have anything to do with that brother. Most would come to terms with it and accept it though. People can be cruel, but shouldn't shun a brother because of something he can't really help.

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Steve Corbin
Lambda Chi Alpha
Theta Kappa Zeta Chapter
Rose-Hulman Inst. of Tech.

I agree with Manders in that this is a very delicate situation. Who knows how the chapters will react? It would be great if we could all be accepted unconditionally for who we are, but we don't live in Utopia. There are millions of people who will never accept homosexuals. They believe that it is an immoral lifestyle and a sin against God and nature. (A debate for another time and place.)

A guy in a friend's fraternity "came out". It was his second semester active and it was terrible. He showed up to semi-formal with his companion and all hell broke loose. Some members of the chapter and other houses made that poor guy's life miserable. Not only did he drop from the fraternity but he also left school. The whole situation almost tore the chapter apart as well. The members were conflicted because some felt angry and betrayed by him and others wanted to give support. To exacerbate the situation, the other fraternities used this knowledge to berate my friend's fraternity. They gained the reputation as the "fag" house. It was very sad and unfortunate.

CorbinDallas must be a heck of a brother. If he accepts questions and gives advice he has a pretty good future. Thanks for your posts.

[BSUPhiSig'92]

You might want to check out this website: www.lambda10.org

It's all about the experiences of gay members of fraternities and sororities. It also talks about the book "Out on Fraternity Row", another resource that might be helpful. I think you will find that the experiences of gay members and their chapters run all over the spectrum. Some incredibly positive, others terrifyingly negative. One of my brother's came out after graduation, and after the initial shock and surprise wore off, the vast majority of my brothers were really great and accepting about it. It was a true sign of strong brotherhood. I will say the chances are that you are not alone in your situation, not even on your campus. As a greek advisor, I have read some studies conducted by sociologists, that actually think the percentage of gays in greek organizations is much higher than in the overall population. Something to think about. Good Luck.

Thank you all for the advice. I will keep you up to date as to what happens.
Keep me in mind should you witness, or think of anything that may help.

Thanks again!