Moving in with BF! I need advice.

[spaceykatie]

Hi guys, so here's my predicament.

My boyfriend and I have been friends since we were children, and we have been in a romantic, committed relationship for the past two years. We are really, really great together, and I have no doubts that he might be the one for me. We went to the same undergrad, but he just graduated and I am two years younger, a rising Junior. He is going to graduate school next fall in the area, though, and is looking for an apartment near my school so we can still spend lots of time together.

We found a great two bedroom apartment that is right on my undergrad campus! Literally, it is across the street from my sorority house. I'm wondering if I should move in with him.

Last semester, my roommate went abroad and I was assigned a random person to live with. She was unbearable, so I escaped and spent EVERY NIGHT with my boyfriend in his dorm. This period of living together was a dream, no problems at all.

One of the biggest issues I had then, though, was the ridicule I faced from my sorority sisters and friends. They thought we were too young and it was improper to live together. Moving in with my boyfriend now seems like a great opportunity! But I'm worried if it really is an improper thing to do? Like I said he's right for me, but we're not going to get engaged or married any time soon. Am I too young?

Please help!!!

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by spaceykatie

Hi guys, so here's my predicament.

My boyfriend and I have been friends since we were children, and we have been in a romantic, committed relationship for the past two years. We are really, really great together, and I have no doubts that he might be the one for me. We went to the same undergrad, but he just graduated and I am two years younger, a rising Junior. He is going to graduate school next fall in the area, though, and is looking for an apartment near my school so we can still spend lots of time together.

We found a great two bedroom apartment that is right on my undergrad campus! Literally, it is across the street from my sorority house. I'm wondering if I should move in with him.

Last semester, my roommate went abroad and I was assigned a random person to live with. She was unbearable, so I escaped and spent EVERY NIGHT with my boyfriend in his dorm. This period of living together was a dream, no problems at all.

One of the biggest issues I had then, though, was the ridicule I faced from my sorority sisters and friends. They thought we were too young and it was improper to live together. Moving in with my boyfriend now seems like a great opportunity! But I'm worried if it really is an improper thing to do? Like I said he's right for me, but we're not going to get engaged or married any time soon. Am I too young?

Please help!!!

The only reason that you're questioning this is because of what other people think.

I say that if the two of you are happy, and you believe this is the right decision for you, do it.

The end.

[AnotherKD]

I don't know you or your predicament. I lived with my boyfriend for 2 years during college- we split up after graduation. My friends were fine with it and my parents were fine with it. But I don't know your friends or your family. Bottom line is that it's been done, but we can't make that decision for you.

On another note, this forum is starting to get a lot like Dear Abby lately, isn't it??? Why doesn't my girl friend speak to me anymore? Should I move in with my boyfriend? Etc etc.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Have you not lived in the sorority house? Is it a big house that most women live in at one point or another? I'd highly recommend living in the house, because it's a great experience for most women, and it would be a shame to miss out on that.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

Have you not lived in the sorority house? Is it a big house that most women live in at one point or another? I'd highly recommend living in the house, because it's a great experience for most women, and it would be a shame to miss out on that.

Yes, but not every sorority member dreams of living with dozens of other girls.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by spaceykatie

....looking for an apartment near my school so we can still spend lots of time together.

We found a great two bedroom apartment that is right on my undergrad campus! Literally, it is across the street from my sorority house.

I chuckled and became claustrophobic.

If GC opinions matter:

I don't recommend someone your age moving in with a significant other. If you want to spend an obsessive amount of time together and pretend as though you won't eventually get on each other's nerves, that's fine. But do that while keeping your own living spaces so you can go home if you want to. That's my recommendation as a 30+ person who believes that living with your significant other should not be treated as a hobby or as a regular roommate situation.

I also hated having a roommate and haven't had one since my first year of college.

Also, keep in mind that living together decreases the likelihood that you will get married but increases the likelihood of pregnancy (if you two are fertile). If the probability of those things matter to you, think about it. Everyone thinks they are abooooove the influence and not like everyone else. Yet the statistics apply to more than enough people.

[spaceykatie]

The house only holds 18 girls, and there is an extremely competitive lottery to get in. I've put my name in the lottery every time but no luck! I don't see it as something guaranteed to hold out for in the future

[Barbie's_Rush]

Shacking with a guy every night in his dorm room isn't remotely like living with him. Don't use that to measure how well you'll do when you have real living together issues to deal with every day.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

I chuckled and became claustrophobic.

If GC opinions matter:

I don't recommend someone your age moving in with a significant other. If you want to spend an obsessive amount of time together and pretend as though you won't eventually get on each other's nerves, that's fine. But do that while keeping your own living spaces so you can go home if you want to. That's my recommendation as a 30+ person who believes that living with your significant other should not be treated as a hobby or as a regular roommate situation.

I also hated having a roommate and haven't had one since my first year of college.

Also, keep in mind that living together increases the likelihood that you won't get married but the likelihood increases of pregnancy (if you two are fertile).

Isn't there also a higher divorce rate for couples who live together before marriage?

As for the bolded, I'm always perplexed by people who would ask for and take advice from total strangers on the internet on something like this. But beyond that, what you said. FWIW.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Isn't there also a higher divorce rate for couples who live together before marriage?

As for the bolded, I'm always perplexed by people who would ask for and take advice from total strangers on the internet on something like this. But beyond that, what you said. FWIW.

Yes. Again, that doesn't apply to everyone but people rarely know until they wake up one day and say "oh snap! I'm a statistic!"

They know we seek entertainment and will answer certain questions depending on what mood we're in. The funnier thing is that her sorority sisters are now calling her asking her why she needed GC when she had them.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

Yes, but not every sorority member dreams of living with dozens of other girls.

Sure, that's why I said 'most'. My point was more about not missing out on college-y stuff for a boyfriend. If they are going to be together forever, she'll have lots of time to live with him. This is her only chance to be a junior in college. Even if the house is not an option (as it sounds like), living with friends and/or alone is an experience that she won't have once they live together.

I concur with Dr. Phil, though...living together is serious business, and it's hard to know if a 19-year-old can make that decision wisely.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

I chuckled and became claustrophobic.

If GC opinions matter:

I don't recommend someone your age moving in with a significant other. If you want to spend an obsessive amount of time together and pretend as though you won't eventually get on each other's nerves, that's fine. But do that while keeping your own living spaces so you can go home if you want to. That's my recommendation as a 30+ person who believes that living with your significant other should not be treated as a hobby or as a regular roommate situation.

I also hated having a roommate and haven't had one since my first year of college.

Also, keep in mind that living together decreases the likelihood that you will get married but increases the likelihood of pregnancy (if you two are fertile). If the probability of those things matter to you, think about it. Everyone thinks they are abooooove the influence and not like everyone else. Yet the statistics apply to more than enough people.

Yes. I can't stress this enough: if marrying this man is important to you, it's not a good idea to move in with him unless you have a ring on your finger and a date set. Otherwise, it's a real crap shoot. A lot of young women go into cohabiting thinking that it's going to inevitably lead to marriage. Of the fifty or so couples I know who lived together without some sort of promise of marriage, I know exactly three couples who made it to engagement. Usually, it happens where the girl is pushing for marriage/engagement and the guy is perfectly happy with the status quo. Of course, it doesn't happen like this all the time. Be very clear about what you think living together means, and make sure your boyfriend is on the same page. If you guys aren't on the same page--and at 20 and 22 it's likely that you aren't, keep your own place.

Also, you have the rest of your life to live with a guy. Your life as a college student is so fleeting and you don't get it back. I was someone who really got to have a great time in college--and I miss it every day. I can imagine that it would be much worse if I hadn't been able to "do my own thing." A few years ago, I was talking to one of my best friends who was joined at the hip with the guy she dated in college. Now, she regrets the fact that she devoted her entire college social life to him...they ended up breaking up right after graduation. Don't let that happen to you!

Originally Posted by Barbie's_Rush

Shacking with a guy every night in his dorm room isn't remotely like living with him. Don't use that to measure how well you'll do when you have real living together issues to deal with every day.

Sho you right. Shacking when financial aid or the Bank of Mom and Dad is footing the bill is one thing, but when you have bills, chores outside of cleaning a 12 by 12 dorm room, and real jobs to consider, it's a totally different ball game. Shacking is like visiting a new city on vacation, and living together is like moving there. There's a major difference.

Also, have you thought about whether or not your parents would still provide financial support (if they do) if you moved in with him?

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Yes. Again, that doesn't apply to everyone but people rarely know until they wake up one day and say "oh snap! I'm a statistic!"

Oh sure. I know it doesn't mean living together and then getting married always ends un divorce -- just that the divorce rate is higher for couples who lived together before marriage than for those who didn't.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Oh sure. I know it doesn't mean living together and then getting married always ends un divorce -- just that the divorce rate is higher for couples who lived together before marriage than for those who didn't.

I agree. I'm just doing the disclaimers so people won't come in here crying about how their life is different and nobody knows their life.

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

The funnier thing is that her sorority sisters are now calling her asking her why she needed GC when she had them.

She DID have them:

Originally Posted by spaceykatie

One of the biggest issues I had then, though, was the ridicule I faced from my sorority sisters and friends. They thought we were too young and it was improper to live together. Moving in with my boyfriend now seems like a great opportunity! But I'm worried if it really is an improper thing to do? Like I said he's right for me, but we're not going to get engaged or married any time soon. Am I too young?

Please help!!!

They didn't tell her what she wanted to hear, hence this thread. She was hoping she could go back to her sisters with pages of GC reinforcement saying "See, a bunch of random 'Greeks' on the internet agree that I should live with boytoy!". INSTA-VALIDATION!

As the other side of the statistic (moved in together, had a baby but DID get married shortly after baby was born and have been married almost 7 years), I would have done it differently if I had the option to go back.